woodie83

Well Diane is having her own personal pity party. Go figure. I got my feelings hurt yesterday probably not the first time nor will it be the last but this time I am really having trouble shaking it. So who was the wonderful person who decided to be so honest with me my "loving husband", I type that with much sarcasm and anger at this moment. As all of you on this site know I have lost a lot of weight over the past 19 months, 103 lbs to be exact. I am very proud of the fact that I have been able to be successful with lapband and it has not been without ups and downs and struggles along the way. So what did the "jerk" say that hurt so much. Well here it goes, we were working outside trying to get the pool open and I had to get in the pool to srub the sides and bottom so I went to put on a swim suit. OMG, as I am sure all of you are aware of is that when you lose a lot of weight your skin does not always snap right back into place. Go figure, right! Well Mr. Brilliant says to me, "Honey, you know you are damn sexy looking except for one thing." WHAT? He repeats himself, now knowing he has crossed the path of no return. EXCEPT for WHAT??? Well I am not sure you know it or not but your THIGHS really look just AWFUL. Oh yeah, he did say it. I think I turned into let me see a TIGER, no may be a RATTLESNAKE, or may be it was SCORPION. So WTF?? Does he not think I look in the mirror everyday and see what I look like without my cloths on? Why does he think I am literal working my ASS off at a gym 3 times a week and doing cardio 6-7 days a week. So have you figured out I am just a little touchy about how I look? I have been struggling for months with my body image, I still saw the fat me for months when I looked into the mirror it was not until just the past month that I was starting to accept the new me. Starting to notice that working out was paying off, I even felt my thighs were looking better, not perfect. But for real, I used to weigh 252 lbs on 5'1' frame what do you expect. I am just hurt, pissed, mad and just can't believe he said it.
So what did I do last night, I binged. I reverted back to an old behavior. Well of course binging these days is much different than before, but still I hate the fact that I allowed what someone said to cause me to go back to an old coping behavior. So today I feel hurt, guilty and just totally like a failure.
I have tried all day to make this into a positive but I am struggling, I am trying to be a big girl and realize that everyone has an opinion but I guess my feeling is that because he said it, it is how he really feels. So to him, I look awful. I looked awful fat and I look awful thin, so what now.
 
Well I guess I could continue to feel sorry for myself and give into bad past behaviors or I can just put this into prospective. I know I have lose skin, that is a given. I know I have worked to do to try and tighten up, that is also a given and why I hired a personal trainer and am working my butt off. I spent my afternoon reading the forums for other posts that could help me and this is one I read that really hoped me put into prospective what I feel: "Don't listen to the inner dialogs that continues to put you down despite your success. Because it won't suddenly start happening once you get plastic surgery. Choose to celebrate your achievements now."
To take the above statement a little further I will not allow others to sabotage what I have worked so hard to achieve. I could chose to have plastic surgery to rid my self of the lose skin I have but I have chosen to try and tighten up with exercise, it takes longer may not be perfect but I do not want the scars that come with plastic surgery. I will not go back to being that person, the person who used cheeseburgers, chips and Fry's to comfort her. I don't want to be that person, I will not be that person and further more I am not that person anymore. So there hubby take that, maybe you have your own issues you need to work out to deal with the fact that "YOUR" wife looks "HOT" OK maybe that's a little much but you get the point.
 
So first I am forgiving myself for failing myself and not using what I have learned for the past year and a half and than I am going to forgive the "jerk" I am married to for hurting my feelings. I may not tell him for a few days because I think he needs to realize just what a "HUGH" mistake he made. Because you see I have another character flaw, I may forgive but I never forget...........................

I had my fill done and the nurse said to eat the 6 oz three times a day and advance my diet now. So I came home and measured out 6 ounces in little bowls. I guess I never realized how much 6 ounces was. The piece of meat was something my husband would take in one bite. I decided for my breakfast I would eat the egg because bagles are a little hard to swollow down(but a good source of protein). For lunch I would do the 4oz of meat and 2 oz of vegs. And for supper have the full 6 oz of meat because I work evenings and want my energy.I really need to get back into the protein shakes now that I can open the container without a gag or two
I really haven't been two hungry except when I have to work and get home late. More then anything its in my head because I use to eat when I get home. Bad habits die hard!!

I haven't blog in few weeks or months, but wanted to let everyone know I am still out here, reading the blogs and forums to keep up with everyone. I spend more time on MFP these days. I started working out with a personal trainer 5 weeks ago and that is really working out good for me. I had really hit a slump in my program and was pretty much dead in the water again. My band was working, but I just wasn't eating very well. I had hit a spot again when food just wasn't my focus and was eating way to few calories. My trainer told me I was pretty much starving my muscles and my body was holding on to those fat cells for dear life. Sad I had to pay someone to teach me how to eat, but it is working. At first I thought there is no way I can do this. I am suppose to eat 3 meals a day and that is it. But guess what 5 weeks later, I am eating my 3 meals a day but I am supplementing a protein shake twice a day for snacks and most days take in 100 plus grams of protein. I still have my days I struggle but they are fewer and further between. My first month I lost 5lbs and 9 inches. I am hoping to lose 4 lbs this month and I will finally be out of the 150's.. While what a mile stone, I have not been this petite since high school. I used to think a goal of 132 was unreachable but I am finding out if you have the right attitude you can make anything work. Now don't get me wrong I have my ups and downs with the band but for the most part this is the best thing I every did for me. And seriously it really is all about me at this time. This is my chance, my time and my journey. Lap band is not an easy journey, it is paved with trials and tribulations. It will test your passion, it will test your commitment, you will have to fight temptation on a daily basis. There will always be food and lots of it, you have to realize that food to you is no different than alcohol is to an alcoholic or drugs are to a drug addict. My journey has consisted of distancing myself from temptations, I do not allow certain foods in my house or more specifically in my cabinets or fridge. I have no control of what others do but I do have control over what I put in my mouth. I find my self more aware of what others eat and I often think, man I used to eat like that and look where it got me. I think now my goal has become an obsession, I work my butt off, 3 days with a trainer, 6 days a week of cardio and logging religiously every morsel I eat. I have a new set of fears now, I used to fear not losing weight, my new fear is how will I maintain? I am trying to make exercise routine and part of my life.
 
To all you newbies and those weighting to have surgery and lose of you who are struggling, stay positive, stay focused and if you detour, forgive yourself, pick you up and move forward. We can all get caught up in the soulda, coulda, woulda! Look at everyday as a new beginning. Good luck to all of you and if you know a nurse be extra special to them this week, this is our week to celebrate. It is national nurse week, so hug your favorite nurse this week and tell her how much you appreciate what she does.

I am almost over this phase of my diet and in a couple days I will start my 3 meals a day. I go get my band filled Thursday and have to say I am pretty excited. I have been hungry all week and want to get past that. I have stabled out on my weight loss, kind of disappointing to get on the scale and see it has not moved. I just dont want to fail.
I finished my first three days back at work. A stressful night ended it all. Glad to be off tomorrow and my focus is going to be to find meal ideas for when I start my three meals a day...wish me luck!!!

So it has now been one month since my surgery. The last few weeks have been rough. I ended up getting really sick. I got strep throat and dehydrated. I am stubborn and did not go to the Doc for a week so I did not get on antibiotics for a full week. So I was sick for about 2 weeks. I was sooo dehydrated I got a charlie horse in my calves everytime I took a step. I was thankful that I was still off of work from the surgery. I started feeling better about 7 days ago and I am back on track. I started the treadmill version of the couch to 5k workout. I did all of week 1 (3 days) and I did 4 days of Zumba.
 
On the food front I am struggling. I AM SOOO HUNGRY! My first fill is on Tuesday, and I cannot wait. I did go to weigh in today and I am down a total of 37 lbs. So that does feel good. I also unpacked clothes that were boxed up due to being way too tight. So now I have a few more pairs of pants to wear. I go back to work next Wednesday, the day after my first fill.

Sometimes I agree that people should mind there own business when it comes to others. Since I took a leave of absence for 6 weeks after surgery I have co-workers constantly asking me what happen. First question did I have weight loss surgery, you have lost so much weight, so I said took personal leave meaning none of your business unless I disclose it too you. So before surgery they use to ask me if I want to order something to eat. Mind you no one knew I was having surgery. So the other day, they decided to go get food without me and I say why you did not tell me you were going to get food and she says because you ain't gonna eat it anyways. How stupid can people be? How you know what I can eat? It kinda upset me but thank God I carry something in my lunch bag, and she can continue to be over weight eating all that take-out fried food. It never cease to amaze me that because people are unhappy they want you to be unhappy too. Just venting.

First I want to start off with a little about me. At the age of 22 I am hppily married to a US Army soldier, stay at home mother of 3, and love to be out n about doing stuff and hanging with friends. I had to put education on hold till i find a reliable sitter but i am slowly working on my RN. My husband and I choose to stop having children so I am taking this time to work on myself. I start to look into the lap band because: !. I have fought with weight my whole life 2: i want to live a betterlife for my children and teach them to live to healthier life 3: with the last like 20 pounds i started to really noice the effects like getting out of breath quicker, knees hurting all the time, and clothes just not fitting at all 4 this is what broke the the "fat straw" i weigh more now than i ever did when i was pregnant.
 
so March 6 2012 i went to my seminar, March 16th met with the NP and mental Health Eval, March 19th lab work and upper gi, April 5 nutrionist class/ first WLS support group April 13 surgery approval.... April 26th Stars pre op diet. and May 10th Surgery
Now I have heard some awful stories about gettin approved for WlS through tricare (tricare south prime!)... i am guessing it as farely easy for me because i had already been working with my PCM for sometime and i met the more that 100 pounds over wieght. I mean it took them less than 24 hours to approve the request.the only co morbidity i have is bad knees and if i dont change i am on my way to diabetes.
 
The biggest question I have "Are you scared?" no i am not scared to be changeing my life. i am excited. i am scared about the mood swings i will have with on the pre op diet but thats about it,\

Just a quick blog.....I went to see my Dr. today and I'm down 28.5 pounds since my very first visit (January 5th). I can't believe it....I've been banded since 2/21 and I had my second fill today which was half a cc (my first fill was last month and was 2cc).
 
I'm so happy!!!!! I wish I had done this years ago!

Day two of the Liguid diet and I have to admit I have already cheated. Garlic cloves are a weakness!! Had about 8 cloves and some onion slices. Candy is not my weakness, thank goodness but I have to be strong. I was a little weak yesterday but I had such a big day. To top it all off I had a "31 Party" (may I add I did awesome) then I had to go to work for a few hours. Today my stomach is hungry but I am fighting through it. I put rubberbands on my bottled water so I can keep track of how many bottles I drink. Seems to be a good system for me considering I can't remember

Day two of the Liguid diet and I have to admit I have already cheated. Garlic cloves are a weakness!! Had about 8 cloves and some onion slices. Candy is not my weakness, thank goodness but I have to be strong. I was a little weak yesterday but I had such a big day. To top it all off I had a "31 Party" (may I add I did awesome) then I had to go to work for a few hours. Today my stomach is hungry but I am fighting through it. I put rubberbands on my bottled water so I can keep track of how many bottles I drink. Seems to be a good system for me considering I can't remember

WELL TODAY I WAS DOING LAUNDRY AND DID NOT FEEL LIKE PUTTING ON CLOTHES TO PICK UP MY LIL GIRL FRM DAY CAMP SO I OPENED UP MY DRAWER AN ROOTED AROUND ON THE BOTTOM OF THE DRAWER WAS A OLD PAIR OF TOMMY HILFIGER JEANS USED TO BE MY FAV.......SO I SLIPPED THEM ON AND HELD MY BREATH YEP OVER MY HIPS,YEP AROUND MY WAIST,BUTTONED WITHOUT SUCKING IT IN LOL...NOT MUCH BELLY HANG EITHER YEAH ME A SIZE 16R NOT A 16W EITHER JUMPING UP AN DOWN !!!!!!

Laying in bed this morning and my arm hits something on my leg...I think to myself...what the hell? Turns out I have a hip and leg bone that has been hiding in my thigh for at least 3 decades. Needless to say it's pretty cool to find all these bones that have always been there but have been hiding...collar bones, shoulder bones, now hip bones...oh and I am even seeing ankles too, real ankles and not cankles. Just thought I would post this in my blog today. Feels good.