Jennifur

I think about it daily, as much as I want the scale to move. I am comfortably in a size 16 right now and healthier than I have been in years. I have lost 66lbs in 5 months. That would have never happened. So - when I get frustrated, I remember this. 5 months, even 2 months ago, I was looking at these clothes in my closet wishing I could fit in them. I am at the last layer of what I had and then it is time to shop. Which means, I am at my lowest in many many years. Go Me. Any everyone is doing just as well - so many NSV's - just so proud of all of us - you guys are a part of my life, and such a wonderful part - and have given me the courage to stand up for myself! and get me back THANK YOU

TracyK - what do you eat daily? I have somehow lost track of what I should be doing and just can't remember. I am going to prepare some stuff today so I can get back on track tomorrow. I should grab my journal out and look through that. I know I'm not getting close to 60g Protein - i have just been so crazy. I have been so close to you and now you are blowing me away. It does feel good to not take the abuse anymore and stand up for myself.

Pamela - you look great! I'm not very good at the pic thing. Terry helped me last time and I honestly know know if I could do it again. Well, I'm up, I had one of those horrible dreams this morning. My dd went to cheerleading last night and was not suppose to practice just be there for her presence so she could have her required time in. Well, of course the neighbor who knows how bad my kids get had her practice. Piss me off. Then they want her to spend the night Wed because they are off Thurs. I told her we would see. Well she woke up tight again this morning to the point my mom was concerned. So - after the dream where the neighbor's daughter called me crying saying she was really sick and needed to go to the hospital, that was my decision. No cheerleading tonight and no sleepover tomorrow night! PERIOD. She has pic night tomorrow with cheerleading and the first school dance is Friday and a game Saturday. She cannot run every day being sick and already being in the hospital once this week. I love her way to much to let anything happen because of extra stuff. Morning TracyK - i see you

Kat - I'm sorry your visit didn't go as planned, I wouldn't worry, they are good at that, I was sick with a horrible infection, swollen glands and 103 fever for 2 weeks and all I kept getting was I was depressed and medicated, so I kept believing it. Guess what, you don't get a fever with depression ASS HOLE!!!!! I changed Dr right after that and I love my new one! Pamela. DBF's day is coming, he does not know it but he does not want to discuss money so I am going to march my semi fat ass down to support collection and tell them to deal with it - that is what they are getting paid for. It is a lonely time when you put things in perspective, but you know what, it feels kind of good telling everyone the truth. actually it feels really good, like a huge weight is being taken off of me - it is self healing, but not just self healing, it is me finding myself and my true feelings and not being afraid to be me - not what everyone wants me to be as for the student who was already suspended. It is scary and I blame the parents 1000000000% for most of the issues with the kids today, I see so many at my dd's school who's parents cover for them and say they would never do wrong, no punishment and making excuses. OWN UP TO YOUR MISTAKES, IT BUILDS CHARACTER!!!!! I do have the best kids in the world. they are not perfect but respectful and kind, I guess they have to get that from somewhere. I just hope dd does not find boys like I did. I tell her not to follow my mistakes with her dad... he is an ASS HOLE too. told ya i'm in rare form. LOL

well I thought I was at 4 post and was going to try to beat Terry's 5 consecutive from the other day, but i'm beat and really going to bed right now night all

Hey ladies, I found a cruise out of Baltimore 5 night starting at 649 goes to Bermuda. I might call and find out about packages. Do you guys have southwest where you are, they have all kinds of specials to baltimore all the time. May 10th next year I had someone recommend a travel agent. well i'm looking at this as I don't know where I'm going to come up with $800 to pay my mtg - I do get a large tax return - so that is how I would pay for it. LOL

Judy - what wonderful pics. you guys look fantastic, and it was so beautiful in the pics, must have been breathtaking being there Kat- how did you make out today at the dr? I'm glad your dream did not come back!

Well, i found out the other reason why i'm gaining a few and so bloated. yup. my visit from TOM is early this month. Stupid change in season is a bit early this year, usually don't count on this until October. Man - was I not pleasant, I ripped everyone in my path a new ass this week. Not that it is an excuse, I really felt like I've had it with everyone and everything, I thank my band for that, for making me realize I am better than the way people have treated me over the last 4 years, I am better than waiting around for dbf to call me, tired of new guy (I told him to f' off too) falling asleep and then saying "when are we going to get together?". Done, I want a steady relationship, but I don't want to be second best anymore! Have not told dbf to get out of my life but did give him the lecture too. Today... he decides to worry about our daughter... I felt like saying why are you worried sick, you have not cared in a long time about any of us to justify that, but I didn't, I just told him I was just overwhelmed with life and then proceeded to list everything, including what was wrong with our relationship. I am in rare form,... then i got my period. LOL Seriously, not funny because all these things have been consuming me for a very long time. Anyway. I am going to go look at Judy's pics from her cruise. Going to meet Melissa for a liquid lunch, she is getting a fill tomorrow. I'll be back in a few

Man - dd went to the dr. she got a good check up, they put her on another med as a preventative and then has to go back in November for an appt. She is feeling so much better she wanted a special dinner... I just made the best shrimp scampi ever I know, not the greatest of choices, I actually ate speghetti, but it was whole grain and it actually doesn't expand like regular pasta. I had 1/4 cup and some shrimp... YUMMY well i'm off to take dd to cheerleading practice. she has to go but is not going to participate, which stinks. They lost 4 girls already and 1 more broke her hand in 4 places so she is done for the season. YUCK. Anyway, I"ll be back after the gym. I'm going after I drop her off

JUDY - so nice to have you back, and so glad you had such a wonderful time. I can't wait until I have such great NSV"s I need them these days. LOL well, i'm up again today, I just can't take it. I need a fill and don't have any insurance, so I guess self discipline is what it has to be. but the problem is, I'm so very very stressed the past week I just don't have it, I'm really not eating a lot, just not the best choices. My fingers and feet are so swollen - I'm going to take my water pill and try to flush it all out the next 2 days well i'm off to take my aunt out. My mom just told me I was earning my halo.... but I actually do it all because I love my insane family and enjoy helping when I can. it is my time, it is going to get better. I don't know when and I don't know how, but I do know that god does have a plan and in the last 8 months I have grown religiously so much. 8 Months ago, I would have been frantically freaking out trying to make a plan, right now, I'm semi calm and know it will be ok and letting him help me, not making a plan, just doing what I feel I need to do as it comes at me. For all you who are not religious, I apologize, just ignore my ranting, for those who are, I know you understand what I'm trying to get at here. 8 Months ago I would have just read this and said they are insane - I love my pastor and his wife, and they are real people and came into my life when I needed them most. ok I'm done and out. be back Hey Tracyks - how was your weekend? where you at????

Morning Violets. To answer the big question. I think I am getting too much water, i have about 80-100oz just at work, I'm probably having too much. I am going to take my water pill today and try to flush some out. My crazy aunt woke me up this morning about 10 mins ago. DD is feeling so much better, she is doing her breathing treatment right now, and then I get up and feel like someone is jumping on my chest. just what i need - to get sick right now. Anyway, I have to take my aunt to the store and the bank, just what I wanted to do this morning, but she doesn't have anyone to do it, so I really don't mind. Kat - I hope you got some sleep last night, I am the same way, sometimes just so hard to shake dreams that seem so real

Terry - that is beautiful. I hope you have a fantastic time, you need and deserve it!!! Pamela - you crack me up, I was lmao about the lifetime movies... but so true Well, my insane dd who knows she is not allowed near ginniepigs (sp), not even in the same room. Well remember she stayed at the neighbors last night, well..... I thought they were sleeping downstairs... NOPE they stayed in the bedroom with that stupid rodent. So needless to say, today was a borderline nightmare, steroids started at 9:30 this am - treatments ever 4 hrs and then at 5 they began every 2 hrs. So guess where I just got home from.... yup the ER ! she was maxed out on her meds and she needed more so off we went, I will only give them so much at home and then I want it supervised. So we had the best medical team ever. I walked in told them she needed a treatment and i had a resp therapist, dr, and 2 nurses and a room ahead of everyone! AMAZING, some times we are there for hours before they even get us in. We were there and home, travel time and all in 1 1/2 hr!!! she has such a stomach ache from all the meds and is up in my room, I'm having a little bite to eat, i'm starving, never got to eat dinner and had to leave to take her. Thank god mom is back in town and could stay with ds so I didn't have to take him with us. well i'm off to bed, will check in before I go to aqua aerobics or to do weights, I have not done that since thurs. night all OH PAMELA - Judy is on her cruise to Alaska for 10 days, maybe Wed or Thurs she should be back...

Melissa - would never forget about you well, it is a nice rainy day here, how nice. it is finally starting to cool down so maybe I can survive tonight at work. well off for a nap i think then i'm going to work. I'll check in when i get home.

Good for you TracyK ! I am up 4 lbs that I lost this week, but my feet are swollen and my hands too. I worked so hard this week and was down to 210 and then 1 night of work. In reality, I know what I ate yesterday was not that bad and was not enough to gain 4#. Did I mention I need to get out of there! So a good thing, one of my very real true friends who I met there working 15 years ago, we are still the best of friends, we can not talk for ever it seems and then pick up right were we left off. I have a handful of them and they are worth not having a ton of friends... Anyway, she came in last night and she is having relationship issues and needs to get her bills all paid - so she is going to start working next week I think. Fridays & Sats. That is going to be so good for me to have her back. I miss her and we have crazy lives so It will be nice to see her regularly well I'm going to drink my coffee and make a plan.

Hey everyone, just checking in and going to bed My mom is back here with my kids, and OMG the drama she is teaching them is making me slightly insane. She has them convinced in thunder storms that they need to take fans out of windows that are under a porch, turn off ceiling fans, lights, close everything up!!!! They have stayed home all summer in storms while i've been at work, and tonight they were freaking so they are sleeping at my neighbors. That is just insane and needs to stop now! Although I am alone tonight and going to try to sleep. I just don't know what to do, I am so stressed I can't stand it... It seems a lot of us have a tremendous amount of stress this month. TracyK - I too am at my 1/2 way point, actually a little past, but I also have too much motivation and support from my violets and will not stop here. Although It will be nice to not be working in the heat on my feet like this because I feel so bloated and retaining. So tonight during my meltdown, I ate so much for me. I got to work and had 4 chicken tenders, I needed to eat as it was 90 and tripical again today, then I had 1/2 cup of fresh tomatoe & mozz salad YUMMY. and then I made a pizza with a pita as the crust, 1/4 c mozz cheese and lots of sauce. I'm sure not a ton of cals but man, if i was not completely depressed I would not have eaten that much. Terry - I hope you have a great time, you deserve to. You will be missed ... a whole week!!! well off to bed. hugs to you all

TracyK - thank you TracyKS - see I can relate too.... stupid family court nightmare!!!!! well, i'm off to the grocery store with the little bit of money i did get this week, kids have to eat.

Morning gals well I got up this morning, ds was in my room at 7 and finally i decided i should just get up - so i got up and was checking my email like i do every morning. The other day I called support collection because I didn't get my support on the 1st. The guy told me the monthly stuff from dbf's employeer was not recieved and to check back fri afternoon, but because i do it online, It doesn't update until this morning. So I get a monthly check from something esle, so I checked to see if that was here and yes it was, so I was happy - then I go online. NO MONEY FROM DBF. I sent him an email. I asked him the other day and he never answered so this morning I blasted him. He can get me the money by monday or we go back to court! PERIOD, I'm done. I love him and if he puts up with me then he does, but when he doesn't take care of his kids, that is another issue. He knows i'm not making much money and need it and it puts a roof over their heads. can you say $1800 in arrears at this point. I will be getting $1000 oof it back when he files his taxes but that does not help me now. whew... I needed to get that out. I hate family court, hate hate hate. His mom use to work there so it is all political, and nothing is easy for me and nothing is quick - it took me almost 2 years to get another $30 a week and then I only get $5 a week towards the $1500 in arrears for that 2 year period. It is bs. He maybe having disability pay issues but is retired from the navy. and just bought a new harley with huge payments. He can give me my cash. it is a mess. and like I've said before, if I found an attorney that would have gone after the county I would have been there in a minute. I could get him for emotional distress?????

yeah Tracy... congrats! I am just checking in and heading up to bed. Hi melissa... I'm working on a real job so we can chat... I'm jealous you got to just change depts! Oh Tracy - imagine your name, ss#, address, phone numbers all being mailed to a random gut with his paperwork! it was a clerical error and never happens.... ironically, it happened again right after this huge fight. You are in my prayers

Terry - HUGS big giant ones.. I know the feeling Pamela - didn't it feel kind of good to confess even to yourself. Right before surgery, I had a ton of issues come out and said a few out loud, unfortunately to the friend who is no longer a friend, she knows more about me than anyone - even myself at times. I'm very sorry about your mom. Kat - that sounds like a great plan - how do we make it happen? LOL well off to work, will check in tonight

I dont get to watch too much tv... I am going to save the Biggest Looser that starts on Tuesday. Maybe to motivate the hell out of me, or give me some new ideas. Plus if those people can do it without surgery and without tucks... so can I. Morning Violets. well another horrible night of sleep. Went to bed at 12:30 and was up by 1. for some reason my legs ache. Maybe from Water aerobics on Wed and then taking a day off. I don't know but I do know I didn't want to get up this morning. So I am off to another aerobics class this morning - then running to pay a couple of bills and going to get my camera from my friend. and to work at 2... YIKES

Ok dbf just called to say goodnight. he mentally lost most of today so after i told him i was glad i was ok, i wanted to kill him... He has been officially dignosed with depression the worst kind ( i don't recall exactally what he said - sometimes mymind works on o/t just obsorbing what is going on) and short term memory loss, so between the 2, he looses what he is doing or thinking and then gets so upset about it he just goes to sleep and doesn't care about anything. He went from 280 down to 205 between the accident, when he was in the hospital they discovered his heart was 85% blocked and had surgery, rehab, the whole nine yards. So he was getting stronger, stopped eating burgers and am cheese and mayo and went to rehab and the gym every day. The more he doesn't care the worst it gets, no gym, not eating as well, and has gained 15lbs in a month. He cares but doesn't if that makes sense. it is a horrible place and not good for me either. I just want him well, with or without me, the entire thing breaks my heart. An I get my money no matter what, he has disability and military pay - just changes when i get it. He was always a leader, strong and funny and now he is sad, and angry - his yard is a huge mess and overgrown up to your knees, his pool is yucky and has a hole in the liner and he - mr clean cut military man - had longer hair than I ever have seen on him in 20 years. It is horrible. I love him so much as I'm sure you all know, but right now I just want him well anyway, that sums up that saga in my life. I just can't get sucked back in myself

Kat - well that is good at least her name didn't cross with yurs pulling credit or cause a problem there Yes I always think the worst when he goes missing, the night of his motorcycle accident could have possibly been 1 of the 2 worst nights of my life, 1 not knowing and finding out a couple hrs later and the other when my bf of 20 years hung himself, 3 years ago last month. He doesn't get it why i worry so much

nice job TracyKS - so proud of you.

Kat - what a mess. Working in the Mortgage industry for 15 years... I have to agree.... it is almost impossible to get it fixed. You might want to start by requesting a copy of your credit report so you can make sure you don't have the dead woman's stuff on there. it takes months of letter writing and verification to get that cleaned up. You get a free copy once a year. Write to all 3 bureaus. That is a good place to start. Laura - OMG that is just insane. Are they going to pay your Water bill? well. I'm home just relaxing, visited with a couple neighbors, kids are in bed and nothing for me to do. I should go to bed... but i won't so earlier today dbf called and said he would be over in 30 mins.. I fell asleep and while I was sleeping, I had 3 missed calls with no voice mails. 1st call showed up private, 5 mins later another private call (which means someone has a private number - it is not a business) and the 3rd call was a number that showed up but I get no answer, like it was a payphone or something, still no message. I can't get in touch with dbf and he never showed up. I know he has head issues but omg, I am actually very worried about him. He never just completely vanishes on me. I did a reverse lookup on the number and it just says it is a landline and that is it. Tell me either way I'm not worried to death about him. OMG - seriously - this is a ton of the relationship problems and he doesn't understand why I get so tense. I know i know... dump dbf... so many issues... I wish he didn't get into that stupid accident. He just looses time and memories and it is sad and scary. So until the day comes when i just can't take the stress of this, i will worry about him.

hi ladies. TracyK - so glad DD is good to go... i knew she would be fine Laura - that doesn't sound fun either way. He could just have some pollups (sp) or something that is blocking him up... tell him to eat veggies and Fiber LOL well, off to bring dd to cheerleading, ds is tired and cranky so he is going to bed the second we get back. oh, I spend an hour on the phone with child support today - no one who works for dbf's company has received the monthly check, but i did find out that he may be getting some lump sum bonus from work and they put in for state and federal taxes so when he files his return in Feb I'll get $1200 of that. at least that is a start