Musharooni

As a social worker I have counseled many different types of people. I have counseled teenagers (my favorite), young children, addicts, adults, families, relationships (well the people in them), and just about any other type of person you can think of. I facilitated one on one sessions as well as group sessions and I loved both. However, I did enjoy facilitating group counseling the most. Seeing the dynamics of a group and watching it come together to help everyone involved in the group is an amazing thing. I have also always been a true believer that group counseling works becasue people listen to others who are going through or have been through the same issues they are going through. As a counselor, it's not really professional for me to tell clients what I've experienced personally but in a group setting, once trust is developed, the pure honesty that comes from the participants is better than any counseling I can give one on one...no matter how good I am at my job...and trust me, I'm good!!! LOL
 
Now, after reading that, I am sure you will find it comical that I have never been a fan of group counseling for myself. Leading the group is one thing but being part of the group and being completely open and honest with people I don't know is something far different. It falls in the "Do as I say, not as I do" category. Now, mentally I know group therapy works. I know it's far better than any one on one counseling session. But I still have never been able to bring myself to be part of a group counseling session for any reason. This is why when my doctor gave me a schedule for the local weight loss surgery groups in my area I politely smiled, said "thank you" and then gently placed it in the the garbage can when she left the room. I'm a very strong woman and the thought of being in a group listening to people cry over not being able to eat that candy bar, or better yet, eating the candy bar that they bought (even though they KNEW it was bad for them) is not on the top of my list of fun ways to spend an evening. This journey is tough enough that I don't need to hear people wine every week about their cravings. We all have cravings....we all know how to deal with them....either find something else to do or give into it. If you chose to give into it DO NOT CRY over the melted chocolate and stringy caramel that is now smeared all over your face. Trust me, tears and melted chocolate DO NOT mix well. I know that from personal history. Add ice cream to the mix and you just have a big ole mess and no one wants ice cream with tears in it. The tears take away the pure sugary taste and add salt....not good I tell you (again, personal experience) I know I sound mean and rude, and I don't mean to. I am just being honest about how I feel about these things. If I offended anyone, please hear me out before you write me a hateful comment.
 
With all that out there, I still believe we all need some type of support to help us through this. If groups work for you than that is great. I know they work for many people and can be used as an amazing tool. If you get enough support from your family and friends then you are very lucky as many things I've read on this site have shown me that many families aren't supportive (even significant others who seem to almost work against the person who is going through this life change). I have been very lucky. I have great friends and an amazing family and husband that have given me more support than anyone could ask for. They are all great at seeing the weight loss and noticing the changes in my food choices. But, and this is a BIG but, they don't REALLY understand what it's like to go through this EVERY day. They don't understand the mental lashing we give ourselves if we didn't make it to the gym, or if we went over out calorie goal for the day (even if we only went over by 20 calories). And let's be honest, sometimes the ones closest to us just don't know how to say the right thing (as shown below)
 

 
 
 
Being overweight, we become very good at mentally abusing ourselves. No matter how big the smile on our face is, it's only hiding the constant negative thoughts bouncing around the rubber room known as the brain. "Why did I eat that?" "You're never going to lose weight", "Maybe I supposed to be fat since I haven't lost anything in a month".....and so many more. Some of the inner attack thoughts can get so bad that we end up sobbing only to tell anyone who asks that we're crying due to PMS. I mean who wants to admit to anyone (especially the people we love the most) that the surgery was the easiest part....it's the mental stuff that will take so much longer to overcome than the learning to eat properly.
 
So, being of semi sound mind and body, I have to admit....I found my own type of group counseling, and it works great for me!!! I am on Myfitnesspal.com and though it took me awhile to ask for "friends", I am so glad I did. It's amazing what having a group of people who are going through EXACTLY what I'm going through has done for me. Seeing others with the same thoughts and the same concerns makes me feel not as crazy. Also, having people who know how difficult this is, cheering you on for ever little step, is amazing. I truly feel as though I have found my "sisters in weight loss". They build me up when I'm having a bad day, they listen and answer questions (no matter how far out there), and I do the same for them. Having these relationships that are truly 50/50 has made this process so much easier. It's made me feel not as alone or misunderstood. I enjoy logging in to the site to log in my food intake and seeing how others are doing on their journey. I love reading their positive reinforcements that they leave for others and for me. I love being able to give them the same type of positive reinforcement. I love having support!!! It's even better when the support is better than any I've found from a bra since my surgery. No matter how hard I try, these suckers need more than an under-wire and some positive reinforcement from me to stay up and at attention. (Sorry for the side bar)
 
So, it's official, I'm a changed woman. I have found to love the one thing I was never a fan of (for me). By being open to it, I have made some great new friends and I feel like this people have my back...no matter how big or small it is. They are all amazing people who are doing exactly what I am....trying to get healthy and lose weight....and if in the process I meet some great new people....well, that's just a wonderful bonus and that's one dish I'll go back for seconds for every time!!!!
 

Dear food,
 
You have been a source of refuge and comfort for a long time, something to warm me on cold winter nights and to celebrate life's milestones. But sadly, our relationship is no longer working for me.
 
You've become an obsession, an unhealthy and unproductive millstone. So I've decided that it's time to say goodbye. There are some special mentions I'd like to make...good bye massive bowls of spaghetti, blocks of chocolate, cheesy pizza and my old friend, coke. Though over the coming days our parting will be difficult, and I will no doubt long for the days when I would indulge in you with impunity, I am excited to let you go.
 
I will get an opportunity to explore life beyond this obsession. So with sadness but absolute determination, fare thee well, old friends.
 
With no regrets, Lila
 
(I start my pre-op diet in the morning And I am actually feeling excited about it! Wish me luck!!)

There is a comedian that talks about how even as an adult he laughs everytime he squirts out the shampoo and it makes a PPHHFFLLTT sound. Well, I guess I am like that. There are two things I have seen on here that just made me think like a 12 year old...
 
1. In a perfectly serious and nice forum post one user posted "It is official, I am in a stall." Then she went on to describe her frustration at her weight not moving at all for like 2 weeks. Definitely a stall and a very frustrating one. Nothing to laugh at....... Well, all I could think of when I first read the headline was that she was stuck in a public bathroom somewhere. I can just see me stuck in a bathroom - and being the goof that I am - I would text something like....It's official, I'm in a stall!. Sorta had to be there, but I thought it was funny
 
2. The one thing that really cracks me up... and I am dying - literally dying - to be able to use this on some unsuspecting person. In this very specific subject website we have our own vocabulary that no one else uses (foamies, sliming, etc.) And we all know what we mean because there is such a fine and narrow context built into all of our posts. However, we fling around the terms pre-op and post-op like we own them. We do not own them. There is another very narrowly defined group that uses these very same words. And they are not talking about having your stomach cut off. They are aiming lower -much lower.
 
I hope I can just drop in a conversation somewhere that I am 2 months post-op with no additional information. Then just watch to see how people treat me. We all know that big people are treated different. But I can only imagine that if people thought I had just gone through surgery to change my "accessories." That would be hilarious. I couls also probably answer questions honestly. Did it hurt? no. How long were you in the hospital? not long. Do you feel different? oh yes!! Do people treat you differently? yes. Was your family supportive? Yes, especially my wife and kids - that ought to get a look.
 
Then go for the total freak out. Do you want to see my incisions?

Working out isn't easy when you have back issues. However, being in the water is a great way to get pain relief and to get some exercise in with out hurting myself even more. I live in a condo so the pool is shared by everyone in the neighborhood. Usually there aren't many people there which is great for me and my work outs but I still get some strange looks from the people who are there (including my husband).
 
Now, I can't just dive on in and swim. I mean I can, but I will pay for it the next day. I also can't do a lot of bending and flipping or a lot of ab work. So, what I do is walk. I walk back and forth in the shallow part of the pool. Now, this can get very boring. Also, there is only so much people watching someone can do. It get's a little strange when you are caught looking at the same person for the fifth time because you can't believe she's wearing THAT, or looking at someone's boyfriend for the sixth time becasue you are really looking at the clock over his head but she can't figure that out. Trust me honey, no one wants your man....he's not even half as attractive as you seem to think he is and by judging by what I see in his shorts, he's not that great in bed either.
 
Anyway.....maybe that was a little much....but I'm just telling it like it is. So, in order to keep my boredom down and to make sure I don't get myself in any trouble with the girl who shouldn't be wearing that bikini or have the guy's girlfriend jump in and drown me, I've begun walking back and forth while reading my book. Not only does it help me not look at the people around me, it allows me to walk back and forth and lose track of time. Yesterday I walked for an hour. AN HOUR of walking in the water!!! I was shocked. I didn't even notice I was getting my workout....and isn't that how it should be? Why can't every workout be this easy? I could have waked for another hour except I knew I would hate myself the next day. So, from now on, I plan to get my walk done in the pool, with my head down and my nose in a book. That way, I can still be alive after the workout and not have my neighbors hate me. I think it's a win win for everyone.

I have always been very "normal" when it comes to going number 2. Ok, stop laughing. Yes, I am going to talk about bowel movements. I have always said I would be honest and open and this is something EVERYONE does. There is no need to be ashamed or shocked. If you feel uncomfortable reading about this, move on to another blog. I won't take it personal.
 
Ok, now that I've told everyone what's coming down the pipe (pun intended) we should all be ready for an open and frank discussion about poop. It's something that everyone does and after surgery, I have found that I do it much less than before. I used to go once or even twice a day. There were times where after a good poop (you know the kind I am talking about....the ones where when you're done you feel like you've lost five to ten pounds) I would feel lighter and have a little more energy. Now, I barely go. Then, to top it off, it's never easy. I can't just get the feeling and go sit on the toilet for five or ten minutes. Nope, I get the feeling and end up spending a half an hour in there listening to "plop, plop,plop." It's never a nice S shape poop that you hear Dr. Oz always talk about. It's more like there is a very large rabbit in my colon. And, I have the poop to prove it. Well, I don't have it sitting next to me in a bowl or anything. That would just be gross. I just mean that when I do poop it comes out in small little nuggets. I have tried everything. I have added fiber to my drinks, taken stool softeners, and even laxatives. The only change is that the little things come out a little easier.
 
Now, the reason I am writing about this is to see if anyone else is having this issue and if so how are you dealing with it. Also, is this normal and does it get better over time. I will be honest, I don't think I can live with a rabbit in my colon for the rest of my life....I don't care how thin I am. Wait, I take that back. I used to say I would do anything to be thin....I guess little nugget poop is my "anything".

It amazes me how much my body has changed in only five weeks. Rolls are smaller, my side boobs are almost gone, and my stomach is semi flat (though still big). My legs are changing and shaping and my boobs are shrinking to the smallest they have been since college....when I used to think they were very large. If I have changed this much is such a short time, I can't even imagine what I will look like in a year. The idea of being around 150 pounds is still unreal to me. I know it's my goal and I am doing everything I need to in order to make my goal, but it still seems crazy to me to think I could ever bee that thin. I wasn't even that thin in high school.
 
Yesterday I took the plunge and tried on my bathing suit. I knew when I bought it two years ago that it was too small for me, but I didn't care. I shoved every inch of fat into it and enjoyed myself on the beach or in the pool. That won't be the case this year. First, it went right on with no wiggle-wiggle. You girls know what I mean. The moving your body and the garment in an attempt to get it up and over your ___________(fill in the blank). Nope, this time it slid right up. It fit perfectly and I looked good in it. Not model good, but good. I will no longer have to pretend that I feel comfortable at the beach, because now I will be. I was so excited that I came running out of the bedroom to tell my husband only to find him passed out on the couch taking a nap. So, I decided to jump into the car and drive the mile to my parent's home and show my new body to my mother. I was smart enough to throw some clothes on before running out the door. I think it would be a little strange to see a woman driving in her bathing suit this early in the summer. I do live near a beach, so it's not as uncommon as you may think. I literately walked into the house, said hello and stripped down to my bathing suit. Lucky for me my mother is very understanding and didn't demand me to stop stripping in her kitchen. Instead, she looked me up and down and told me how wonderful I look. Yea, I look wonderful in a bathing suit. LOL
 
Then to make my weekend even better, I tried on a pair of Old Navy sweats I bought prior to my surgery. They couldn't get over my but when I bought them but now, they fit just perfectly. I am really liking this weight loss thing that comes from getting a sleeve. I wish someone would have told me this would have been a side affect. I would have done it a long time ago. LOL Just kidding. The only side affect I didn't really know about was how good I would really feel and not just because the clothes fit. It's more just feeling better all around. Knowing I did something for me that is making me healthier every day. Now, if weight loss is a part of that, I'll take it. I will also take feeling good in a bathing suit (both kinds) because, that's something I haven't felt .... well, ever.