LiveStrong41

I am happy to report that after 2 weeks of absolutely NO weight lost, I finally went down 2.2. pds. I was honestly getting quite frustrated with myself, and reviewing everything I was eating. Hopefully, it will continue to go down slowly but surely.
 
Ahhh,,, finally a small sign of relief

When I was 19, I was interested in this guy, who flatly told me I wasn't his type due to my size. I was so pissed by another rejection, that I started walking the next morning. Six months later, I was working out twice a day, lost 55 - 60 pounds and was a size 6, then I got arrogant. It started innocently, I had a slight knee injury. I was squatting 150 lbs and was not paying attention to form and I pulled something, but I wasn't worried because I would never be "fat" again, so I took time off from the gym. Couple months later I was a size 10, but that was okay, I was too skinny anyway and I will take it off, when I got back to the gym. However, I was never that committed as before and the weight just kept creeping on.
What I remember about that time is my belief that I could continue with my eating habits because I was skinny. I really believed I did not have a food problem. I had become an exercise freak and I was so caught up in the attention I was receiving that I didn't see the cliff until I had already fallen. 13 years of imbedded bad habits and I'm trying to look at every loophole, for the fear of re-gain is so strong. I know that this time around with the lap band and a therapist (yep, I found one) and my eyes wide open the result will be different, but that fear is so strong, it's suffocating.
I read somewhere that we cling to things because it gives us some type of payout. I honestly do not know the reason behind my food addiction but hopefully with time it will become clear because I refuse to continue to live my life this way. I'm no coward, I plan to face my demons but tonight the fear of failure is thick in me. For today, I finalized my financing, the surgery date is set but not finalized so it's like my mind is freaking out... I went to the grocery and had an instant craving for pork rinds! I NEVER ate the thing but today I felt like trying them, so I left the grocery so fast, still had some cup cake but yep, can't wait to see the therapist, this MADDNESS has to stop.

I am not sure where the phrase was coined but "living large" no longer has negative connotations for me! I used to hear that and think instantly of my size. Now it is about how I want to live my life.
 
Only 3 weeks post op and I already am feeling like a new person. I feel much more confident in myself and am already feeling revitalized and a renewed outlook on the future.
 
I have found myself wandering the clothing aisles at stores and not dreading looking at size 22 but venturing down a few sizes thinking that will be me soon!!!! I had heard the "BMI" term used over the years and never gave it much thought before this surgery. Now, I am excited by that #. I have had two visits with the surgeon post-op so far and the # has dropped from 50.5 to 45.5 already! If I can make that significant of a difference in it in just weeks, imagine months from now!!!
 
I have found strength to not long for my (former) favorite foods, even when they smell and look so good within my reach. It is actually quite empowering to have that will power now. I am not saying I will never mess up, but that "flub" doesn't have to define me and doesn't mean I am completely off the wagon. It just means I need to make better choices for my next meal. Heck, people that are healthy and thin overeat or indulge from time to time. It's all about moderation and being accountable to myself.
 
I know I can do this. Admittedly, the first couple days I had a few "feel sorry for myself" moments but I got myself into this and I need to get myself out!
 
My goals are not to look like Cindy Crawford or Kim Kardashian. My goals are what will make me feel good, not worrying about going to events where there may be a turnstyle, not having to retake photos all the time because I don't like how I look in them, getting off BP meds, hopefully ridding myself of sleep apnea and then all the little things - enjoying going clothes shopping in the misses (not women's) dept, not tiring as easily, crossing my legs (cannot wait for that, even if it isn't good for your circulation), and my goal for next summer - going to the amusement park I have avoided for years!!!!
 
No time for pity parties ~ time to start LIVING LARGE!!!

My hubs and I married 3 years ago Labor Day weekend, so even though our anniversary is Wed, we celebrated this weekend. Rather than going to Cheesecake Factory where we normally go (we got engaged there), we went to Moe's where I knew I could get something with my calorie range that I would like. Then we went into the mall where he got me 2 pairs of Danskos and then we went into a jewlry store where he bought me a new diamond. Totally awesome hubs!! Shoes and diamond a girls two favorite things- he said he was proud of me and he loved me so he wanted me to know it.
 
On top of that I lost 3 lbs this weekend (upped my calories and that made it come off) tired the shock thing. Before heading out with the hubs I put on a fav pair of shorts- pulled them up, zipped them, button them and was like wait - these are hanging off me- I pulled at the bottom of the and they slipped right off. YEAH- I tossed them to the side. This morning I put on a pair of pants that I hadn't worn in 5 years and the fit perfect. Everyone at work has commented today on how good I look!! What a boost. Now at lunch, I heated up a Smart Ones Chicken and Peanut Sauce, I ate the chicken bites first and then started eating the other- well after a few bites I was like wow I just don't want any more. I tossed a 3rd of it. YEAHHHHH!!
 
What a difference a few days can make in attitude. I am sure I will hit another low point, but boy do these high points feel awesome!

So after not having great success with the numbers on the scale going down all weekend, I woke up this morning to discover I had lost 2 lbs!! Its better than Christmas morning...well almost anyways. Today I am 6 days out until surgery. I am getting more and more excited as the days go on. I go on Thursday for my pre-op appointment at the surgery and to do my final weigh in at the surgeon's office. So woo hoo. I will definitely be working out during lunch tomorrow.
 
I have been craving pizza something terrible lately. I ate it a good bit before I started my diet but still having a hard time kicking that habit. Today at work we had a safety meeting during lunch and they ordered pizza. I have to admit that no one asked me if I wanted any, which they are famous for doing, but while they were eating their pizza and I was drinking my shake I felt left out. However afterwards when I realized I had kept my mouth to myself I was proud. I have to really get used to not eating all of the bad things when the whole group is eating bad. You can ask most people, I am really not a follower, but when it comes to food I am very much a follower, it is usually pretty easy to get me to fall off the good choice bandwagon. Attached is a picture of the pizza party and my shake there in the middle. Woo hoo me!!
 
The hardest part right now is controlling my bite sizes. I am supposed to be taking a bite the size of the first joint on your pinkie finger and chewing excessively. Also I am not supposed to be drinking liquids while I eat. This is to keep from washing my food down my stomach quicker so I feel full longer. Whenever I go out to eat, I've never been the person who gets 100 refills of their drink. Usually I barely make it through one. But for some reason now that I am trying to monitor this its become extremely hard. Tomorrow at dinner, I am not even going to sit down with a drink. Maybe this will take away the temptation to drink.
 
I've pretty much decided on only making healthy choices and not eating carbs, but its the little things I am worried about perfecting before surgery. Such as the small bite, excessive chewing, and no drinking while eating. What if I can't master these things? I think I mentioned the baby plates and kids silverware that I bought. I have been eating smaller portions but starting tomorrow I will bust out the plates and silverware. I have also attached a picture of the broiled tilapia and spinach I had tonight to show my portion sizes. This is the smallest plate I have besides the baby plates. This will force me to seriously monitor my portions and the silverware will make me take smaller bites. I know this is an ongoing process, just have to keep working on it until it becomes second nature, just like eating terrible food did in my "past" life. That and I know the first time (or probably second and third time too) that I have issues with how big of bite I took or washing my food down, I will really feel the effects and focus on following the rules.
 
So to summarize, do not be a food follower, be a leader and make good food choices, continue working on fine tuning lap band eating habits until they are second nature, and do not give into temptation. I can do this, tomorrow is only 5 days until surgery!!
 
Until tomorrow,
 
 
Amanda

I went in for a fill this morning. I am now 9cc in an 11cc band. I hoping this is it for me in the way of adjustments. I am getting a little concerned as I have so much in the band already that I worry about maxing it out. A few people along with the Doctor told me not to let this concern me. Still plenty of room in the band and I could only be one small adjustment away from the ever elusive sweet spot. Adjustment I got today could be it but who knows.
 
How do I really know for sure though? I seem to come out of a fill appointment feeling good. I hardly get hungry and when I do it's about 5 to 6 hours after my last meal. My appetite is so diminished. I am really starting to believe I am in the zone but my brain is waiting for some kind of magical light bulb to go off in my head.
 
Scale will drop 10lbs or so in the first week after my fill then I sit idle for the next two until my next adjustment appointment. I can eat any kind of food that I want or have tried I should say. I am yet to attempt a hamburger or sub roll. I haven't had an actual hamburger since March but I am not missing it.
 
For the last week or so I was really looking forward to this appointment so I could see the Nutritionist only to find out one called out sick and the other was on Vacation. Needless to say, I was disappointed.
 
After talking with my Wife and Mis73 it is determined that I am not taking in enough Calories and most likely putting my body into survival/starvation mode. My last 8 day average is 898 calories per day. I am going to work on increasing to at least 1200 a day with a goal of 1300. My next appointment at the center is 9/25. My appointments are typically three weeks apart. We'll see how it goes. I lost 11lbs during this past three week window.

I did it! I was able to jog my first 5k. My goal was to jog the whole thing without walking, and I was able to. It felt AH MAZING! Mile 1 to 2 seemed really long, but I ran mile one in 12 minutes and the final mile was the finishing stretch. I am signing up for my next one to jog on 10/8. Prior to the run I had been training on the treadmill and it took me 45 minutes to run 3.1. I took it outside the week before the race and I only ran a little over 2 miles. So it felt gret to do the full 3.1 in less time then it took to do it on the treadmill. For my next race I would like to shave 3 minutes off of my time.

SOOOOOOOOOOO got on the scale today...... *DRUM ROLL* DOWN 2 LBS SINCE LAST WEIGH IN!!!!!!
 
A small victory...but a victory none the less. My legs are jelly, apparently I have muscles in my butt that I never knew where there....We have become friends now lol. Totally in pain, but totally worth it! Sorry...had to toot my own horn lol.

On my way to my 1 week follow up, even though my surgery was actually last Friday. I have to say that I've got some seriously LOW energy. Since I sit on my booty all day at work, I'm glad I took most of this week off. I'm supposed to go back to work tomorrow, but think I will work from home. I just don't think I've got enough energy to get moving.
 
I'm still not sleeping well because, wouldn't you know it, my siatic (sp?) nerve is starting to bug me when I go to sleep. Great timing for it to act up, huh? It makes for a heckuva sleepless night. I also don't think, never mind, I know I'm not getting enough protein in me. I've been feeling sooo full although I'm barely eating. I think I must be drinking too quickly. Trying to watch myself today because I start on soft foods.
 
So far today, I've had 4 oz of a protein drink, and 1 oz of vanilla greek yogurt (with a dash of cinncamon for flavor). I'm waiting aobut 45 minutes before drinking anything again, but this schedule is tough. I planning ahead and bringing some of my snacks/meals with my 1st nutrition class & follow up apt so I don't miss out on anything (1oz of egg beaters & 1 oz of refried beans & something to drink).
 
I know I've been losing weight because I've checked the scale. However, I try to be realistic because anyone would lose weight following a liquid diet. I don't expect miracles, but am thankful that I'm going in the right direction I still need to learn what my body is saying in the way of hunger vs the full feeling. The last few days it's always felt "full" which is insane beacuse I'm not eating much of anything. Nonetheless, today's nutrition class should be informative, and I look forward to it.
 
Gonna go have my crystal light now. I'm thirsty.

A place to come together for encouragment and Prayer.

I was having lunch with another individual, who is currently having succes with changing the way she eats and exercise, and she was enjoying a slice of cheesecake and she says "everything in moderation". Now, she is not aware that I'm in the process of getting WLS, but I did respond to her by saying " maybe for you but not me", which led to a heated debate.
I have a serious pet peeve. I hate, yes, I said hate, when someone tries to tell me what I'm able to do or not do. You can make assumptions, but we all know what happens when you ASS U ME! I don't do MODERATION! If I was capable of moderation, I wouldn't be more than 100 lbs overweight. I've heard the comments, opinions over the years, even I have fallen for it, "You have to have" or " you need to have", " a little can't hurt". Food is my addiction...no,that's not right, chocolate, baked goods, fast foods, etc are my addiction and it's killing me... Why should I have these things in moderation? ..... Let me put it this way... Someone suffering from alcoholism, his/hers addiction of choice is wine, would you say to her/him " a little wine in moderation?".... I'm betting you will think that person was cruel, well that's what's it's like for me.
I don't do a slice of cheesecake, I eat the WHOLE cheesecake. I don't eat scoop of ice cream, I eat the WHOLE container. I don't do the combo meal, I do the combo meal with starter, supersize and dessert. Now do you get it!..... Silence.... Just have some control, willpower, you need food to live!.... ** Sigh** ... Yes, I need food to live, but do I need that time of food? .....nope....So you are going to cut out all that food for the rest of your life....gasp....yeah, it's not going to be easy and I will have some idiot,I mean well meaning individual, who will try to encourage me to "try" something....but I will have to refuse, why? The day I get over my addiction, it will be a struggle to maintain because unlike cigarettes, alcohol, drugs, people feel that it can't hurt you in moderation, so it's offered and offered, and feelings get hurt when you refuse, but I'm just one of those people where moderation does not work.
Side note, I smoked cigarettes for 10 years, 2 packs a day and was a solid chain smoker. When I was given the ultimatum by partner to quit or he goes, I couldn't do it alone. I failed cold turkey, I failed the nicotine patch... What worked is a pill called Champix( in French)... I took it for 2 weeks out of the 12 weeks and I never look back. I've been a non-smoker going into 5 years. Some people can do it on their own, I need help.Words have power, I'm currently changing the way I eat for my goal is to eliminate those foods from my diet. I'm aware of the journey ahead of me. I'm aware that the lap band will not eliminate my demons. I'm aware that I will be seeing someone about my addictions and I'm aware that most society will see my use of " food addiction" an "insult" to "real" addictions but I couldn't given a rats @$&?, because moderation will kill me.

Jessica Ennis.....(REALLY) ...I came across an article on yahoo this morning calling a few olypian champs fat...amongst the names was jessica.....(OH COME ON) I dont even want to think what they would say about my jelly rolls running around a track in some panty like shorts jiggling all over the place....This girl looks awsome and toned.....And some people want to know why a lot of us go to "extremes" to just look normal!
 
 
Oh and another thing, I got really sick, dont know what it was, but I had (sorry to be so graphic, well I will change it up a bit)
 
I had the "works" coming from the front and the back for two days, not eating anything because my stomach was gurgling, I had a headache, and the only thing I had to eat were a few saltine crackers and a piece of toast......and stupid me said "well there has to be a bright side to all of this...so I step on the scale and low and behold I lost 10 pounds!!!!!!! Ok but wait!
 
So I started to feel a little better and i started to get a little hungry I ate (some) salad and a few spoonfuls of vegetable soup....not right away, but later on when I got up I went back to the scale stepped on and said "###***#$#" how the "###**^%^**" did I gain back 10 pounds from freaking salad!
 
But today I weighed myself again just to see and I did lose about 6-7 pounds...... It is official ...the scale is nuts!

Tomorrow is my consultation at the University of Iowa. I have to be at the hospital at 7:45 am. I better not spend to much longer on the computer because I need a good nights sleep. I did not sleep well last night.
 
It is a strange coincidence that my appointment is exactly one year to the day that my daughter is getting married. I think that it is some what of an omen that this my be the path I should be on. I totally panic when I think about buying a dress for the wedding at the size I am now because it would look like a mumu and that is so not the look I am wanting!
 
I named my blog "Looking Forward" because I am so tired of beating myself up for my past mistakes and failures. I just want to look forward and feel postive about the future. Tomorrow I will find out if the lapband will work for me.