LiveStrong41

I got up and went to the gym before work. Full 30 min on elliptical and full circuit of weights. My muscles are humming (tomorrow they will probably be screaming). Working out is a huge deal for me. I hate it. I resent it. I hate that I have to work so hard to feel good. Yeah, see - there's that entitlement thing again. I should just get to feel good and look good without any effort on my part.
 
Working out is a sign of acceptance for me. It says I accept that I have to work hard and not have everything I want. It says I accept that I have to wait to see results of my effort. It says I accept responsibility for the damage I have caused my body and it says I accept responsibility for changing that.
 
Not accepting these things is what lands me in that self-pity pit and kept me morbidly obese for the vast majority of my life. In 12 step meetings they say "Half measures availed us nothing." For me, only focusing on what I don't do or don't eat is only half. This isn't just about what I don't do. It's also about what I do. Especially since I got the band, it's relatively easy to not eat. Sure, I can get around it, but if I follow the rules, the band does most of that work for me. But the exercise - the proactive piece - that's all on me.
 
Do I want this or not? Am I willing to be an active participant in the process, rather than a passive recipient waiting for the weight loss fairy to visit me? If this is just about weight loss, then I suppose if I follow the rules and wait patiently, I will eventually get to goal weight. But it really isn't about just weight loss - otherwise it's just another in a lifetime of diets. This is a total transformation of my way of thinking about life, control, and personal responsibility. It is acceptance of reality, rather than insistence on maintaining my stubborn delusions of grandeur. Reality sucks - but at least it's real.
 
Shelly

Why, oh why - please tell me...Why am I in the most danger when I've had a victory???
 
So we all know that exercise is the bane of my existence. But I've managed to work out at least 3 days a week for a month now. So this week, I'm bumping it up to 5 days a week. Grrrr. So I haul it out of bed this morning with the intention of doing something different at the gym. Everyone says you shouldn't get stuck doing one exercise routine - you should mix it up. I was therefore going to do a bike instead of the elliptical and weights. Started out fine - but the seat KILLED my butt (and not in the good 'oh I'm feeling the burn' way - more like the 'OMG I'm being sawed in half' way) !!! So I switched to one of the bikes where you are more seated with your legs horizontal instead of vertical. Didn't like that either because everytime I pedaled, I smooshed my stomach (which is still considerable) into my boobs, which are even more considerable. All of this and I only burned half the calories I burn on the elliptical.
 
Had to leave the gym earlier than usual because I had an early morning at work. Managed to actually eat a good, protein breakfast and get to the stupid meeting on time (HUGE for me). Only to find out the meeting was canceled!!! However, we were having a drug rep coming later - with breakfast! So now - I've already eaten and they bring in tons of food (breakfast pastries, naturally) to leave in the break room, 3 steps from my office.
 
Before vacation, about a month ago, I bought a new linen outfit. Fit perfectly. I haven't gotten around to wearing it until today because it's linen and requires ironing - which I only do about once a year. So I put it on - pants are too big!! :-) YAY me! I've mentioned that I was getting pissy because the scale wasn't moving, which usually triggers a binge for me. So I'm not allowed to get on the scale until the end of the month. The idea is to get used to doing the healthy thing because it's healthy, rather than being motivated by a number on the scale. So having a NSV like my brand new outfit being too big already is big for me!
 
SO - someone please tell me WHY I'm seriously in danger of having a really, really bad - out of control eating - kind of a day! Why must everything trigger a binge for me??? If doing the right thing and not having a payoff makes me want to eat - why does doing the right thing and having a payoff make me want to eat?!?!
 
Getting up for an extra workout - victory
Healthy, protein breakfast - victory
On time for early meeting - victory
New clothes too big - victory
 
I just have that unbelievable urge to eat everything I can find. I am my own worst enemy! Ready to turn around, go home, and climb in bed to hide until it's over!!!
 
Shelly

I'm sitting here in my house going crazy. I woke up this morning at 4:30, and could not go back to sleep. I've been going crazy over the past week. I've got about 3 weeks before my surgery and I am so anxious. I mean really anxious. I am obsessed with this website I've read everything on here. I post whenever I have a question, just so I can communicate and interact with people going through what I'm going through. I keep trying to find new people to talk to. I don't have anyone around that I know personally that has or is going through this. I'm so obsessed with getting my lap-band that it can't come fast enough. Luckily I have meet some people through this site that I talk to, but it doesn't seem to be enough. What's going on with me? Has anyone else been this obsessed with getting the band? I know my husband Is getting tired of hearing me talk about what I've done,what I need to do,what he needs to do, what I should not do etc., you get the picture. But he is being a real trouper. I don't really have any questions to post about so I decided to post this blog and hopefully get some of this energy out. Get this, I hate writing,but that is how bored I am. I know I'll get through this, but I'm driving everyone else, along with myself crazy in the meantime. Maybe I should go for a walk after this, I really hate walking too, but I have to start sometime. Anyone else going crazy waiting? Along with all this I'm also on a high protein low carb diet and staying at about 1200 calories, which seems to be adding to this anxious bored feeling, I don't know why, maybe because I can't eat and don't know what to do with my time and energy. Writing that just mad me think, that might be it I just finished finals too. I think I eat when I get bored and I don't have anything as of yet to take it's place. Not even banded yet and having issues,Oh boy. It is a weird feeling it is a lost feeling. Can anyone relate? Funny, this has been therapeutic, I never would have thought. I have heard journaling(sp?) is helpful but did not believe it. Learn something new everyday. Well that's about it just needed to vent some. Good luck to everyone with your journey.

WLS is not Cover Girl. Easy Breezy is not a definition that can be used when talking about WLS.
 
In reading the comments posted on Fox News regaurding Gov. Christie's lapband surgery, I was disturbed to see that people still see WLS as the easy way out. What I would like to know is what part of major surgery is easy?
 
While lapband surgery is not a horrible ordeal to face, it isn't all sugar plums and roses. I was sick after surgery, felt like crap. Then I had trouble taking in enough. Then I was starving hungry. Then when I started eating again I was terrified. As the first 50 lbs melted away I was thrilled with my decision to have lapband, once I got past the 199 mark, the next 10 lbs took 4 months! I am still very glad I choose this change and committed to it.
 
Just because you have WLS doesn't mean your cravings, desires, wants disappear. We have to learn to manage these things. WLS success requires a huge committment to change your lifestyle. This pathway to health is worth it, but it is far from easy.
 
May 22nd I will be 11 months post op and I have gone from 244 to 188. I have gone from wearing a tight 18W to a very comfy 14. I know longer wear the 1-2X shirts, I know easily wear a large. These things are awesome and make then changes I committed to well worth the struggle.
 
Every day brings with it a new set of challenges, opticles, highs and lows, but it is worth it to finally feel "normal".
 
I no longer walk into places and feel like people are looking at me due to my weight. I am no longer paranoid over it (well almost there). I love walking into stores and being able to find cute clothes. I walked past the Women's sizes the other day in Belk and saw a cute top- guess what all they had were to big for me . My husband hugs me and comments frequently how small I feel and how proud he is of me.
 
So no matter how people view the surgery, no matter if it is hard or easy, I don't give a rats bootie- this is my life and I choose health. I choose to change. I am on this journey. I still have 45 lbs left to loose. I won't make it to goal in a year. But by golly I will make it. One day, I will see the blessed 140's. I am not sure how much more changing and rearranging I will have to do to my life style, but I am committed and I will do what I must to finally acheive my dreams!

I'm not sure why and I'm not sure how, but early on in my life I learned to lie to myself about many things, but most importantly about what I ate. It is one of the things that I am having to unlearn in order for my band to work for me.
 
Today, even though I ate less than anyone at the table, I over ate and I'm not ashamed, I'm not guilty. I made a choice, and went past my soft stop. Yes I was uncomfortable. No, I didn't PB or vomit. No I didn't stretch my pouch or cause my band to slip.
 
But the important part, I am not going to lie to myself about what I did. I am going to log the calories (as best I can), I am going to eat lightly tonight (protein shake) and I am going to go back to my normal eating pattern because if I eat like I did today on a regular basis I won't lose any more weight.

I became the proud owner of a Realize band on April 16, 2012. My band and I have had (like most) a love/hate relationship at times but even at the rockiest of times I've had no regrets. As time has gone on the 'novelty' of having the band has worn off. Worn off in a sense that we have become one.
 
I have lost a ton of weight so far but honestly as happy as I am about that it is not what amazes me the most. What amazes me is the way I look at food now. I am 46 years old and have been overweight since I was a little boy. I use to plan my binges. I was never one for eating huge portioned meals but I was a severe junk food junky. I would eat my dinner with anticipation that I had Cheez-its, ice cream and soda waiting for me as part of my nightly ritual. I wouldn't be satisfied until the 1 pound box of Cheez-its was gone and the half gallon of ice cream heavily dented if not empty. Next day or every other day I would be going to the store to replenish.
 
For the first time in my life I felt I wasn't controlled by food. I have had some strange moments in this journey where I felt like something was missing....There was times when I would be sitting there while watching t.v or whatever it was I might be doing and thinking 'I am bored and I don't recall every being this bored before' and I would get up and go do something. This was my AH HA moment..that moment when you feel liberated, that moment when you think my god what happened? My band had released me from years of food imprisonment.
 
As time has gone on my appetite is almost non existent. I am amazed that I have not battled head hunger at all. I hope this is not a fluke.
 
I still battle with my laziness but at least food is not a factor. Most of my weight loss has been with minimal exercise and it is something I am working on. Now that the nice weather is here I have been going out for 1 mile walks during my lunch hour. I remember a time when I couldn't walk the grocery store for 10 minutes and now I easily do a mile in 20 minutes. I am going to work on increasing the distance. I am doing a 5K Walk for Cancer in September.
 
So was the band worth it? (in my best Adam Sandler voice) Hell yeah!!

When people fall in love they are head over heels with each other. They can't get enough of each other and decide we are in this for the long haul. As time goes on life changes and that in love feeling changes to a new love. People have to work at it because if it goes stale then the only thing that happens is either divorce or break up. People don't stay married for 50 or 60 years because it was always easy. Work, children, stress and everything in between come in to play and if you give up then you are giving in.
 
When you choose to have weight loss surgery you are entering in a new relationship. In the beginning you are all gung ho over the band, bypass, or sleeve because you are getting results. Then your weight loss starts to deminish, it goes slow and that feeling of giving up plagues many. That in love feeling with your band becomes stale and sometimes obsolete.
 
To keep your love alive with your band you must make an effort to have a healthy relationship with it, not give in because the going gets rough or you're not losing as fast as you want too. You have to change up your diet and not give in to eating the same old boring foods day in and day out. If you don't work with it or for it, it won't work for you. We had a good relationship with food before the surgery so you now have to have a good relationship with food now that you have the band.
 
The only way that you are going to let this make you or break you, is your determination that your relationship with the band is going to be ever lasting. We don't give up on our children because they don't behave well, we don't give up on our jobs because they stress us, we don't give up on our loved ones because they are ill and we can't give up on our bands just because at the moment the scale won't move or we are having a hard time in life, stressed, dealing with things that we don't want too that would make us eat before.
 
Our relationship now is different. It will in time give you life, health and happiness if you are willing to stay married to it for the long haul. If you want the band to work, then develop a loving healthy relationship with it. Don't let it get stale. Keep your momentum alive and think about why you did this.
 
It is only up to you and you alone to make this relationship work. If you don't then you will be right back where you started. It's not always easy to have a new relationship but it's not impossible to have a healthy relationship with food.
 
Love yourself enough to make this work because the benefits are priceless. If you ever doubt that you can't or won't succeed then its up to you to know that you are worth more then that.

My wife and I have been quite open with our two daughters (9 and 12) about my lap band. Before surgery we walked them through what would happen, how it would affect my life and more than that why I was doing it. So as I have had to adjust to my new lifestyle, my daughters and wife have adjusted with me. But I didn't realize the extent of that adjustment until I heard these words come out of my 9 year old's mouth "Mom, you are chewing too fast, you need to slow down!" The look of shock on my wife's face was priceless

Breakfast and I have never been friends. Then again, mornings and I are not on the best of terms either. I'm so not one of those people who get out of bed ready to face the world and any challenges that come at me. Rather, I get out of bed bitter, grumpy, semi-conscious, hostile, and mute. It takes a minimum of one cup of coffee before it's safe for anyone in the vicinity to approach me, let alone talk to me. If I attempt to eat sooner than at least 1 to 1-1/2 hours after I wake up, everything I swallow makes a return appearance. Before banding, I ate in the morning depending on craving, attitude, and general quirk of fate. Since being banded (while being compliant) I never eat breakfast.
 
I know all the "rules" about breakfast. It's the most important meal of the day. You need to restart your metabolism after your overnight fast or your body will go into starvation mode. Eating breakfast makes your metabolism work harder all day to burn more calories. People who skip breakfast usually eat more calories over the course of the day than people who eat it. I've heard it all more than once, but the key word (especially in the last bit) is "usually." In other words, it's not always the case.
 
Take me, for example. My normal routine is to wake up (reluctantly) about 8:30 or 9 (I love to sleep, and I work for myself, so I allow myself the luxury there). I shower, then stumble out into the house for a cup of coffee. Since I drink my coffee with cream (half and half, 20 calories worth, carefully measured), I try to limit myself to one cup. By 10, then, I'm usually ready to start my day. Generally, I get quite hungry by 12, so I begin fixing lunch and eat around 12:30. Then my tummy starts rumbling about 3 at the moment, since I need another fill. If it's not too terrible, I hold out til 4, when I have a small snack (cheese or something else protein rich). That keeps me until dinner around 6:30 or so. It's a system that works for me. I count all my calories and stick to my plan without issue.
 
Well, every once in a while I start questioning myself about whether I might really be doing this all wrong, and I decide to have breakfast to see if everyone else is right. Today I planned to up my calorie intake anyway, so I decided that it would be a good day to experiment with breakfast. I got up at 8:30 and went through my routine, but at 10 instead of just finishing my coffee, I was sitting down to a healthy breakfast of about 300 calories. I ate it, finished around 10:30, and since enough time had passed, it stayed down. It was yummy, so I enjoyed it, and it was almost entirely protein, so it should have kept me satisfied until around 1 pm. By 11:45 I was hungry again. At noon I was ready to gnaw my own arm off, and all day since I've been hungrier than usual and exerting all my self control not to eat more than my planned intake. Now this may be evidence that my metabolism is working faster due to breakfast, but to me it's not worth it. I can lose weight without the boost, and I do it without the misery of constant hunger that breakfast seems to cause in me.
 
Maybe that makes me a freak of some sort, but I've finally decided that what works for me is the most important thing.
 
That, and losing the weight, of course.

Ok so I went and saw my surgen today for a fill. First I told him about everything that has been going on with the death in my family and me eating off. And to my surprise he told me he was proud of me, for taking responsibility for my actions. I also told him about all the lovely people I have been talking to on this forum and how yall have help me. On to the visit I get on the scale and to my surpised I'm down two more pounds. Can you say all smiles. You guys have truely help me a lot and I can't think you enough for the support. I was so happy when I left the office I went and did three miles at the gym. :wub:

Ok, the last week has been kinda stressful and I know it's only going to get worse. My job is changing greatly over the next few months and I am having learn a lot of new things and work extra to keep up with my job while I learn a new system. So maybe I am just stressed, but I need to rant for a min......
 
 
WLS is Easy
WTH. I saw someone this weekend who hadn't seen me for a while and told me I looked great. Of course the next thing out of her mouth was how did you lose so much weight? I said that I was really watching what I ate, eating healthier and moving more, and that I had lapband surgery. Her comment was, oh well you are lucky then you can't gain weight. I wanted to expload at that moment.
The thing is with lapband or ANY WLS you can gain weight. Gaining weight is EASY, not losing it. I can gain by eating more than I expend- calorie layden thing (milkshakes, chips, ice cream, cake, ect). I can gain just like anyone else. It really bothers me that people still have this misconception that WLS makes it so much easier. Does it help, YES, does it make it easy HELL NO.
 
BMI vs Size
Ok so here is another thing that is buggin me. My entire life doctors have complained about my weight. I have been over weight since I was 5. Over 200 since middle school (now 190's). Now that I am losing and I have studied info, I congnitivly know that the scale isn't totally accurate when it comes to my health. I have lost 50+ lbs, while my weight is in the 190's I am far smaller than I thought I would be in the 190's. Why, because of my muscle to fat ratio. It is often said that muscle weighs more than fat, not exactly true. A pound of muscle takes up far less room than a pound of fat. A stick of butter and a ball bearing may weigh the same, but that ball bearing is much smaller. So my muscle mass has increased, and my shape has decreased, but the scale isn't moving these days. Yet when I go to the doctors they look at the scale and calculate my BMI and tisk tisk tisk. WTH- Doc please look at the whole pic instead of one fasit. I am a work in progress not a completed project.
 
Fear factor
I will be the first to say that I am scared, paranoid, terrified of gaining weight back. I have tried way to long to lose, now that it has begun I do not want to revert. So yes I am almost obsessive over it. Is this good, not really, but it's me. I look at what I eat, I weigh daily, I move more. Being a scientific person I like to see cause and effect. How does what I put in effect measurment and weight. I chart every thing so I can take it to my doctor.
 
Judgements
Ok, so maybe I am paranoid that people judge me when they aren't, but I think that comes from my years of low self esteem. I often see people state, Oh you are doing what your suppose to so don't worry about the scale, don't weigh it just drives you crazy, don't worry the weight will come off. Yes, I know all the data- about the scale doesn't show the whole picture, that we should keep on doing what we are suppose to when the scales stops and in time weight will come off. But, gee am I the only human on here that while I know this, it still doesn't make me happy that the scale isn't going down.
 
Ok, so maybe I am judging others here, but here it goes.... some people post and make statements on here that make them appear that they are perfect. They are losing, they are doing what the doctor says, they aren't weighing daily- happy, happy, joy, joy. It's like they never get frustrated or impatient ever. I honestly wonder sometimes are they really like that, or are they just putting on a front on this sight. Because while this journey hasn't been the tooth and nail climb that diets have been in the past, it has not been all hunky dory and perfect. So my thought for them is be human, I have flaws I get stressed, and I know you do to, no matter if you want to admit it or not.
 
I think newbies need to know and see the entire picture. Yes, you do what your doc and NUT say. Will this be easy - no. Will you hit plateaus- yes. Will you get frustrated at times- hell yes. Will what works for me work for you- maybe/maybe not.
 
 
Okay so enough of my ranting. If I offended anyone sorry, chalk it up to me having a bee in my bonnett to day and had one straw to many put on my pile.
 
Thanks for letting me rant!!

Have you ever taken a bit of something and as you are chewing it you think “this is way too big of a bit” so you stuff half the bit in your cheek and swallow the other half? And a few seconds later you swallow the half in your cheek… How did that work out for you?
 
It has never worked out successfully for me. Usually within minutes I am at the sink or toilet watching the bits go down the drain… sorry if this is TMI.
 
I hate it when this happens and often it happens when I an overly hungry or the meal is really tasty. That makes it even worse because it ends the meal completely for me.
 
So, I have to remember to take small bits, even when it is really really good and chew them completely, otherwise my yellow rose will reject them and I will not enjoy my meal.
 
Lesson learned; I am not a squirrel!

I had my final appointment with my surgeon before my surgery on Friday. It was weird to be off routine for my liquid diet, and it caused me to stray from the path that I have laid down for myself. Because the clinic that I am working with is about 2 hours away, I froze one of my protein shakes so that when I got hungry in the afternoon, I would have a cold shake. Well, I froze the shake solid and it wasn't close to being thawed out and It came time to where I could feel my tummy grumbling. So when I finally got home I popped one of my frozen meals into the microwave and waited. And as I waited, Ty made some lumpia for his dinner. After I finished my meal, I made a mistake. I ate two little lumpia. And they were so good. But right after I finished being happy about the taste, I immediately felt guilt. So I got my phone and went to input the lumpia into myfitnesspal I found out that they are 110 calories each. I felt even worse. The only thing I didn't feel bad about was not going over my calories. But I still felt awful.
 
Then I sat up and said to myself, "I am human, I make choices, some are good, some are better, and some just mean that there is another action to be its companion."
So the next thing I looked up on my phone, was when my gym closed. 9pm, so after the food settles in my stomach, I am going to finish the action that I started by eating the lumpia. I'm going to burn those calories and more. I no longer feel guilty, I feel responsible.

Day 6 of my pre-op diet has been difficult. With weird noises coming from--well, everywhere, sugar lows, weakness, headaches, and even envy as I watch my family munch down on mint chocolate cookies and milk, it has not been a good day. I'm almost watching the clock until I can say 6 down, 8 to go. It has always been difficult for me to diet. My stomach rumbles telling me that it wants food, any food, all food, and quick. I've always been able to lose 20-30 pounds as I diet, but eventually I would quit and then gain back everything plus some. I will not repeat that cycle this time, because I am not going to stop until I make my goal, and then my new way of eating will be habit and I won't go back. I am more committed to this plan than I've ever been to any of the other myriad of diets I've done.
 
So while doing all the reminiscing of diets through the years, I am reminded of one in particular. One of my doctors graphically explained weight loss in the following way:
 
He said it comes down to the basic fact of less calories in than you burn, and that he has never seen a picture of a prisoner of war who wasn't skin and bones. He showed me a couple of pictures even, and gave me a chapter of text to read where some POWs were starving to death, yet they still had to drag themselves to the local coal mine for 12 hour shifts with nothing but a handful of rice for the entire day. Then they drug themselves, step by step, sometimes crawling, sometimes pulling or pushing one another, back to the prison camps where they were lucky to get a small amount of water and another handful of rice. If they searched for a morsel of something else, or complained that it wasn't enough, they were tortured even more. Often these POWs prayed that they would pass during the night, knowing that their frail bodies just could not continue on. Others prayed for help to sustain them just one more day.
 
As we are struggling through with our limited shakes or various different diets, I am reminded of those POWs and how they survived on a handful of rice for days, months, even years, all the while working hard labor in their camps. Tonight when I am hearing my stomach rumble, I'm trying to be thankful for what I have. With that in mind, 700 calories doesn't seem so small when compared to the lives of our brave prisoners of war in history.

I've known my family physician for 20 years and he's the MD of my parents and my brother. He's the one who mentioned WLS, in passing the last time I saw him. Well today I had a follow up with him and I mentioned I was having the Lap Band and he was little annoyed with me.
Firstly, before I had stated that I wanted the Lap Band, I told him I was considering WLS which he supported, but he wanted me to have Gastric Bypass. Faster weight lost and it's better for the morbidly obese... Crap, am I morbidly obese? He said the Lap Band are for those individuals who have under 100 pounds to lose... Really?.....So I brought out my research;)... His response: I've forgotten that you love to read.... After, he heard my arguments and my points, he then proceeded to tell me that I can have it done free in Quebec since our provincial insurance pays for it.... I found out this lately but there's a waiting list of 2-3 years...not interested..... He's upset with me because he does not know the MD, so I provided him the name and the phone number to call him, which I know he will never do, he's too busy.... However, he seemed a little irked with me, but, stated he hope I do well, but the failure rate is high... Sigh...I literally had to remind him with any WLS, failure is an option if you do not change your lifestyle, which he agreed, we then ended with if I'm planning to have kids and I realized that this man has been part of my family for too long, my mother is rubbing off on him... Anyways, I remind him not to say anything to my mother, which pissed him off further since, he mumbled he is a doctor and patient confidentiality.... But just to be sure.... So now I have more motivation... A Lil surprise for my MD at my 1 year check up;)

It's my 5 month bandiversary, and I have lost almost 52 pounds so far !!!
 
I'm feeling good about my weight loss thus far, and look forward to losing more. It's been quite the journey & learning experience. I'm making better choices, and defnitely eating less. More importantly, I'm actually making time to work out (exercise bike). I'm looking forward to the Summer where I might actually be able to go on hikes without losing my breath, and enjoying the outdoors! I feel that my weight gain kept me in hybernation for way too long. Well, it's time to get out & enjoy life again!
 
Congrats to all of you that have lost & continue to lose. Every day you become a healthier you!

Someone said that to me today. I was back at work ...granted I was at home but I could do my job in a closet and no one would notice...LOL. Any way I was on the phone with one of my employees and she asked how I was recovering from my surgery... She doesn't know it's nature..but anyway I told her I was really surprised at how well I was doing albet I would like to feel a little less tired....but she said...well happy people get good results.
 
It got me to thinking.... And of course there are exceptions to this rule of thumb...but do you believe it?

Like many others i am sure.... I get a lot of PMs from people at different stages of their journey asking how they can be as successful as I have been, what were my challenges, what do I eat etc....... And I answer each and every question. A handful of people, write back thanking me or expressing their concerns, frustrations etc....But I really am not sure why most of the others actually do not... I offer my opinions, answer their questions and give them the what worked for me speech... And then I never hear from them again. Not even a thanks for taking the time to answer me...
 
I am not expecting life long pen pals and i I am greatful when Someone actually acknowledges my repy... But for someone to take the time to write, m to take the time to answer I am baffled as to why they don't acknowledge my answer.
 
Just another thing to make you go hmmmmm
 
 

Over the holidays I learned a lot about myself. One, I can easily fall back in to my old habits. I must stick to MY way of doing things for ME to be succesful.
 
I did very well with things until Christmas day. At my mom's house we had a lot of food and when I say a lot I think we could have feed an army. The breakfast food was left out all morning and I found my self grazing on some of my favs - I had to pull myself away to stop. Lunch was then put out- I did fine eating lunch, but then I ate 2 desserts. By this time I felt like crap and knew I had to stop. I didn't eat for the remainder of that day.
 
Throught out the remainder of my time off we went out with friends several times and I did my best to stick to the healthiest of dishes, but some of those still aren't great.
 
I didn't keep up with my water consumption like I should have and that has had effects.
 
So today I am back at work and back to my normal routine and trying to think back over the last two weeks and learn from mistakes and problems that I had.
 
My weight is up 4 lbs ( however I have not pottied much at all in 5 days). I do not consider this a failure- some times you must slip in order to learn and better prepare yourself for the future. Some of you may read that and think oh your just kidding yourself, but you have to travel this road your way and me mine.
 
That 4 lbs along with other are going to come off, why because I am back on my routine. I will be back on my work out schedule, which my hubby and I do together so it makes it easier. I am back to cooking myself which will help keep me away for resturant pit falls.
 
I refuse to beat myself up over the things I did over my vacation, but I do want to look at them and make plans to avoid some of those pit falls in the future.
 
To those of you who held strong and managed to lose over the holidays I commend and you and if you did this with ease I further commend you, but I know I am not you and I will fall over road blocks from time to time. And when I do fall, I will get up, dust myself off and start going again.
 
You only fail when you quit trying!

My mother-in-law passed away yesterday morning on my birthday. She was 73 years old. Her and her husband live in Italy and are both deaf.
 
We got a call at 3 am on Thursday October 4th to tell us that my husband (only child) needed to rush home because his mom was sick and in the hospital and not expected to make it. This was the day before I was scheduled for surgery. He was on a plane that afternoon.
I decided to brave out the surgery alone and I am glad that I did. (no one else knew of the surgery except my 17 year old and my 11 year old boys)
 
What followed that day was almost 3 longs weeks of ups and downs until she finally couldn't fight any longer. She had literally never been sick a day in her life. She picked up the strep virus (streptococcus) and it turned into STSS and it literally attacked all of her organs until there was nothing left.
 
My mother-in-law was the absolute best grandmother in the world. Her eyes lit up like the sun when she saw her grandchildren. She would look at them with adoring eyes and hug on them and kiss them. They adored her too. I am just happy that the week before she got sick my 17 year old son was over in Italy visiting them. Her last days on this earth were spent doing what she loved best, being a grandmother.
 
I am happy that I had this surgery as it is my first emotional challenge to face without food. So far I am doing great! I just can't wait for my husband to get home so that I can give him a big hug!

Anyone thats ever had a traumatic event in their life can relate to what I'm about to say. I spent a lot of time in the counselors office talking about forgiveness. Forgiving your abuser and those who supported the abuse, either by denial or by complacency is more about healing you than giving that other person anything.
 
I never once in this whole process ever thought about forgiving myself. I was watching a recent episode of Heavy and one of the counseling sessions was about forgiving yourself. There is so much guilt associated in childhood trauma, at least there was for me. I can honestly say that I have forgiven those involved, but I have never forgiven myself.
 
Part of this journey for me is to work through the reasons I turn to food for comfort. Part of my realization is that I have not forgiven myself; I did not allow myself to break free from my abuse because of the guilt. I feel responsible for what happened, because I didn't speak up, I didn't tell anyone, I didn't make it stop. Why didn't I? Logic sets in and tells me it was because I was only 2,3,4,5,6,7 years old but my memories are processed through my mind, an adult's mind. I am mature enough to know it is wrong..now! But then? I remember saying " this is wrong" and him saying " why?" and I couldn't answer him because I didn't know.
 
How could I not have known?
 
These are the things I am working through...it's not a sob story, so don't feel bad for me. It's just my reality, one that I've lived with my whole life. I'm working through it now. I have no choice because I can't consume large amounts of food anymore to avoid working through them ( thank god!)
 
I'm just telling myself every day that I have the right to what everyone else has and that....
 
It was not my fault! It was not my fault! It was not my fault!

Christmas is almost here and most of us are in full swing party mode. I have been to 2 Christmas parties so far and was able to be good (one of them was easy because I hosted).
 
When I started the lapband journey I choose to do myfitnesspal and track my calories. However, this time of year that is difficult when eating away from your tried and trues. Some successul banders (CarolinaGirl - I had to call you out because you are doing great) are rocking it with just measuring out their cup of food.
 
So for the holiday season I am going to switch it up and go for the measure method. Christmas Eve I leave and head to my mom's in Southern VA to spend that day and the next with them. On Christmas day we will have around 50 family memeber at my moms and tons of food. We begin with Christmas breakfast with my parents, my hubs and me, my 2 brothers their wives and kids (which is 30 just in it self- one brother has 8 kids, nuts I know). My mom and I have gone over the menu and she has made sure there is band friendly foods.
 
I will open my band with coffee, black no additives. I will have A scramble egg with A peice of bacon and one tiny slice of my mom's creamcheese breakfast cake (I will not feel guilty this is made once a year and it is awesome).
 
The rest of the fam shows up for lunch - my mom's brother, sister, their spouses and kids and grandkids. This totals around 58 people (loud and crazy). Lunch will consist also of band friendly foods for me- my mom was nice. I will eat a little of my mom's yummy turkey casserole (turkey and green peas) and some pineapple from the fruit tray. No dessert for me, my mom again was nice and is making things I don't really like (cocanut cake - like eating finger nail- ugh).
 
I figure sticking to my plan will be easy since I will have all the kids around to distract me- I love playing with them. Even my niece and newphews who are teen still like to sit around and talk to me.
 
New Year's Eve with the friends - we will go late after dinner. I will have one glass of wine and that is it!!
 
So this is my holiday band plan- what's yours?

I have been having difficulties with my eating for about a week, I blogged about my lunch episode on Friday. When I say difficulties I mean, I’ve been getting acid reflex (first time since being banded) and I get a lump in my throat from time to time. I have been able to eat and drink, but it’s been more challenging.
 
Over the weekend I decided I needed to see my doctor and find out what was going on. Either I am being paranoid or something isn’t right.
 
So, I was on the phone to my doctor’s office first thing this morning and fortunately they could squeeze me in this morning.
 
Upon arriving I was escorted to the x-ray room. Martha (the x-ray tech and support group leader, who is also banded) said, “What are you doing here girl?”
“I’m either paranoid or something isn’t right”, she laughed and said let’s find out.
 
We did a barium swallow and as my doctor said, “It looks perfect.”
 
“So, I am paranoid?”
 
“No, you are aware of your band and something changed.”
 
“So what am I doing wrong? Why the acid reflex now?”
 
“Could be you irritated your band in some way or it could be that you need a fresher on the basics. Size of your bit, how much you chew, time between bits. Maybe you need to get that egg timer back out that we gave you at your first post op visit.”
 
“Funny, just last night at dinner my husband had to tell me to slow down on my bits.”
 
We talked a little more and I was on my way feeling so much better. End result is something wasn’t right and that something was me. I was slipping back into old habits.
 
It’s time to dust off that egg timer, cut my bits smaller and chew, chew, chew. Everything I tell newbies to do.

The time has come! I check into the surgical center at 8:00 in the morning to be banded. Am I nervous? Well, I didn't think so, but I just realized I've chewed my nails to nubs today, so maybe a little, lol. A week ago I was a complete basket case. Now, I'm just ready to do it. I'm ready to get on with my life as a healthy person!
 
I thought I would have more to say here... and there would be some great epiphany that I would be able to share, but there's just not. I've lived most of my adult life as an overweight person. I'm ready to start unwrapping the layers from myself & find out who I can be without the burden of this extra baggage I've carried for so long.
 
So, here we go... see ya'll on the flip side!

My mother says I have never been very patient, I was even born a month early.
 
I believe the reason I have never been successful at weight loss was my lack of patience. Most of you can likely sympathize with working really hard to lose weight and after a couple weeks only a pound or half pound and finally you say forget it where is the pizza. This has been the case with me each time.
 
With the band it has been different. My bandversary is Dec. 22 and will be 6 months. As of right now I am 45 lbs down and feeling good. Of course I wish I was down more. I have tried to be realistic in these months and eat healthy, but not totally limit myself from things I love, because I know that isn't possible to do forever. Therefore, I will highly restrict myself with things that I know aren't the best for me.
 
For the last two months though my weight loss has slowed. Last month I only lost 2 lbs and so far this month only 2. I have started back working out and counting my calories to make sure I am using more calories than I am taking in.
 
At one point I had a goal of getting to the 160's by April 1st. My husband and I are taking a trip to Disney, I've never been and my husband hasn't since he was a kid, so we are excited to get away. However, it's Dec. 13th and I am sitting at 199, which is great - finally below 200- but I do not thing it is possible loose 40 lbs in 4 months or rather possible for me. My first month I lost 20 lbs, after that it slowed and my best month since was 8 lbs lost, which was Oct. I do not want to discourage myself my setting a goal that is likely unattainable. So, I have decided that I am going to stay on the lapband path taking one step at the time and I will reach my final goal of 140's when I do- it may be a year from now, but I will get there.
 
I must keep my motivation up and stay strong. During the holidays I must admit I am finding it harder that before. Last night I made 4 batches of snickerdoodle party mix- my hubby had a work Christmas party today and wanted me to make it. So, I made it. I sent him to work with half of it and I bagged up the remainder and gave it to coworkers as gifts - after all if they gain a weight it will just make me look smaller (evil I know- jk). I do not want to tempt myself with treats that are not healthy.
 
For once in my life I want to give my body what it needs rather than what it wants!!