SashaWLS

For what it's worth, I just joined Weight Watchers (haven't lost much since November) and it was a huge wakeup call. I had no idea how badly I've been eating. I'm hoping that by adjusting the things I reach for, that will make all the difference. I hate the idea of being ON weight watchers, but I'm using this as a food education period.

Wait, only one fill??? Go get another. Then another, then another till you feel restriction!

I'm happy to say that my month long War-On-Band seems to be over. I've given up fighting it, have stopped lying to myself, reconnected with why I got this surgery, and I'm back to following the rules. I really appreciate all the kind words people have said to me in the last month as I've struggled. For me, the emotional is by far the hardest aspect. Self-sabotage is part of why I'm fat (I call it angry eating) and I have a real rebellious streak. I think I've been testing the limits. After repeatedly getting stuck, feeling pain, throwing up, and generally feeling sorry for myself, I simply got tired of feeling bad. And you guys really helped me feel supported and like I wasn't alone... So, now on to better things—and I've had a solid 6 days of eating well. Hooray! Thanks guys.

My doctor convinced me to get the band because of the gain-back situation with bypass and sleeve... He said he's become a specialist in band-over-bypass, and that that's now the majority of his practice!! Know that you lose faster with bypass or sleeve, that's for sure, but the 5-year data is the same.

It took me 6 months to feel restriction. That said, I lost 50 pounds before feeling restriction. Don't worry about it. Try not to overeat.

This hits the nail on the head. If you follow the rules, it's the easiest thing in the world!!! The challenge will be, if you're anything like me, managing your rebellious streak! I don't WANT to follow rules. I don't LIKE following rules. And I'm finding that I'm achingly addicted to food and find it very difficult to tolerate the absence. That said, I'm on track much more than I'm off track. And when I'm off track, the band prevents me from doing the kind of damage I would do pre-band. Overall, I love this thing and would have gotten it years ago had I known how easy it would be. But right now, at this moment in time, I'm having a very hard time of it. My brain isn't in it as much as it has been, and I'm fighting with myself to follow the rules.

I'm writing this from my bathroom floor, as I spit slime into the toilet every couple of seconds, trying not to throw up... Do I regret the surgery? Not one bit!!! Do I regret trying to eat mango half asleep while still in the mushy phase after a fill? You bet! Changing any old habit is hard, and stopping the midnight snacking machine seems to be the hardest, because I keep forgetting!! But eventually I will learn!!

Food poisoning... The thought of food makes you ill.

That's pretty horrible! So sorry you had to deal with that!

Do you LIKE the "meals" you eat? Are you a good cook? I'm very much like you. I've been eating badly, way too much, and the wrong things. And I've been a bit at war with the band, and just want to eat and not have my fix disrupted! I don't want to be fat, and I have no really stress or other emotional issues that are causing me to overeat. I JUST WANT TO EAT!!! All the time. It's all I think about, and I'm very much an addict. I get twitchy thinking about an heirloom tomato with balsamic vinegar. The thought makes me salivate, my palms twitch, and my face tingle. I am in constant search for that PEAK eating experience! That said, I had a realization last night that 90% of what I eat, I don't actually like. I'm a lousy cook, and I eat the same few things over and over. I guess I graze on crap during the day to try and substitute the lack of pleasure I'm feeling from my regular meals. I made two vows to myself: I will try have more delicious meals. I will try to brainstorm REALLY yummy things, not just what I think I should be eating. Hopefully if I can raise the pleasure level of my regular meals, I won't want a snicker bar in the office. I'm going to try and find an OA meeting (or some other group addiction counseling). I think I need to be around others who are struggling with the PHYSICAL craving to eat, the twitch crazy headspace that makes me want to eat around the band and practice bad behavior like drinking something hot right before a meal so I can cram more in. Whatever you finally decide to do, I just want you to know that you're not alone!!!!

I'm so upset. I tried to buy long term care insurance and was denied because I have the lap band. They said they'd reconsider if I maintained a weight of 174 for 24 months, but by then the policy will no longer exist. I was also denied life insurance because I'm too fat. I know it's just a piece of paper, but I feel horrible. I feel like I'm going to be a burden on my family. Flame me for being dramatic, but this is the first time in my life I've ever felt like just some fat woman who has no value.

This is with Northwestern Mutual, so they're a good company. I guess they think I'm not a good risk.

...and I think it's winning. I had a major epiphany today. Ever since my last fill I've been getting stuck constantly and throwing up quite a bit. I realize that I'm actually not stuck, I'm full! Seems like this should have been obvious since I was banded 6 months ago, but I've been getting very small fills each time (on purpose, for a variety of reasons) and it's only now that I'm (I guess) finally feeling restriction. If any of you read my post yesterday, you'll know I've been kind of freaking out lately. A lot of bad behavior, a lot of acting out, and frankly, a lot of trying to tell my band to shove it. Well, I'm giving up. It has finally sunk into my thick skull that this thing is here to stay, it's doing what it's supposed to be doing, it's doing what I WANT it to be doing, and I'm going to have to let go of trying to force food in and just admit that my eating days are over. I don't mean eating eating, I mean EATING. So today I start mourning. Because you know what? I really really want to eat. It hurts my heart not to be able to eat, I want to go out and have a huge bowl of Pasta. A big plate of nachos with the works. And I can't. I have to face facts that I physically can't eat that bowl of pasta because pasta actually fills me up so quick that I can't eat enough to feel satisfied. I have to face the fact that chewy cheese doesn't go down so well anymore. And I have to stop over-buying and pretending that I'm ordering two dinners at once because I don't know what I can eat. The reality is that I'm buying two dinners at once because I WANT TO EAT THEM BOTH. And I can't. And that is why I'm freaking out. So I give up. I'm going to let the band drive for a while. I'm going to try and drink more tea, maybe have some go-to 'flavor' things like lollypops or pickled ginger for when I want to taste something. But I'm going to try to chill the f@#!* out and try to think about something other than food. Thank God I see my shrink tonight. :-) And thank you guys for being awesome. Signed, Your resident crazy person

I appreciate hearing everyone's point of view, and I'm particularly appreciative of Mayasgram's second post, explaining where she was coming from, her struggle, and overcoming it—I really didn't read any of that message in the first post. I wasn't mad or emotional when I responded. I just read all criticism and bolstering and very little support. I'm glad I said something though, because I really appreciate the follow up from everyone! For what it's worth, I think that my first post was misunderstood by some. I wasn't saying how much I love to eat. I wasn't whining about not being able to eat Pasta and nachos. I was saying that I'm a food addict and I'm finally starting to let go, and I'm finding the place in my head and heart to be ok with not eating. I don't "love" eating. Eating is not "fun" for me. I don't eat because it's a love affair, I eat as a way to punish myself, to sabotage myself, and to make myself feel bad. Mayasgram asked "who chooses this ??????????" and my answer is "an addict". For me, eating is a tortured, abusive relationship that's part obsession, part craving, and part habit. Very little of it is pleasurable except that first moment of that first bite.

Perhaps I'm misreading something here, but I find your reply to be really condescending—and rude. I'm dealing with some pretty raw emotions right now. Food is my drug of choice, the band has cut off my supply, and I'm in withdrawal. I'm obviously struggling, and this is hard for me... If you've "made it", have everything figured out, and no longer have any of the problems with food that got you fat in the first place, well good for you and I'm genuinely happy for you. But your bandier-than-thou tone and mock-disgust really rubs me the wrong way. I come to this site for support, not to have my struggle used as a vehicle for someone else to show off.

Go look back at my posts, I was FREAKING OUT the entire first month or two after surgery. I think for me, I just didn't know what to do with all these feelings that I was feeling... I mean, I used to push everything away by stuffing food in my mouth to numb myself. Suddenly, un-numb, EVERYTHING felt horrible. It does get better. Just give it time. You don't have to trade being heavy for being cray cray.

I'm still struggling with this, for what it's worth, and I'm 6 months in. Good luck to you!!

I'm down around 45lbs, I feel amazing, I feel healthy and strong, I look better, am enjoying getting dressed... And yet, sometimes, I wonder why I don't seem to want to lose weight. I mean, yes of course I want to, but it's no longer active. It's more in that vague "I'd like to be rich" kind of way. And in fact, it seems that I'm finding myself putting the brakes on my weightloss. Not consciously, and not in a grand-plan sort of way. It's more of a series of small actions that, when you add them up, make a pretty clear picture of what I'm doing. For example, I find myself around 4pm many days going to get a piece of chocolate from the candy machine. And I find myself trying to eat around the band at dinner time, or trying to have two meals. And I find myself drinking again... I'm not really sure why. It seems clear that I am putting the brakes on my weightloss and I can't wrap my head around it. There IS a part of me that doesn't want to lose more. I am in touch with that part. But I can't understand WHY I don't want to lose more. I mean, I very much do want to lose more, but I'm not acting like it. It's very confusing. To have in my body the tool to make this happen, and yet to have all this ambivalence in my head.

Thanks everyone, it's nice to know that others have felt this way along the journey. I DO want to lose weight, I know that. And I haven't really stalled, I'm still losing. But it's my head that I worry about. That said, the comments about the 50lb mark really really rang true for me. There's something about that number that freaks me out a little. I'm at 48. I was at 44 for a while. 50 just feels so, monumental? I don't know. It's just a number, I've never cared much about the number. But the number this time is stressing me out. I also think that I am a food addict. I desperately want food. I think about it all the time. And somehow I've gotten back on the wagon and I'm in a bad run. Maybe a couple of days of cutting sugar out will help cut the cravings. Maybe I just need to pause and look around a bit. Regardless, thanks for understanding.

Ah, gotcha!!! Missed that. Congrats to you!!

Why can't you have some pizza?

Brilliant!!! I don't think that will ever happen to me (given my body shape) but I long for it just the same!

is this just what restriction's like? I can eat 1/2 bowl of cheesie grits, but feel pain after drinking a protein shake too quickly. I'm fine drinking coffee or soup, but can't eat a bite of pretzel. I think I really needed this fill, I've been really overeating lately, but this is HARD. I feel like everything I eat that's not hot and soft is wrong. Just had the fill on Friday, this will get better, right?

These surgeons do this because they want to help people. The state we've let our bodies get into is horribly sad for all of us, and my surgeon has told me that he LOVES the personal gratification he gets from saving someone's life every single day!