DELETE THIS ACCOUNT!

So my surgeon, who replaced my band, and his wife, who does my fills, can't agree. When I went in to see him for the first time, I'd been successfully maintaining for 3 years and then lost restriction with a leak. My BMI was just under 23. And that's what he's recorded it as.
 
My BMI just a smidge over 24. He thinks I need to be a bit tighter so I can get back down to my pre-leak weight. His wife, however, thinks I am perfect the way I am now.
 
What IS someone's ideal weight? Because even my care-givers can't agree. I personally think it's when I look in the mirror and am happy with me. And I'm happy with me now more than I ever have been. We're talking about mere lbs here but somehow the number on the scale is still king and I'm sick of it.
 
I decided at my last appt that no, I don't want to lose anymore. I told them that we will work at getting a fill level that will provide maintenance for me. Not weight loss. Because in the end, *I* decide what I'm happy with, and happiness in myself doesn't come from a number on the scale. So no green zone, no regular fills, no jumping on the scales everyday.
 
My band is working, I can feel it. Maybe not at optimal performance but good enough to help me maintain. So my scale can abdicate now, thank you very much, it is no longer the king of me.

Yep, the Big 4-0! As much as I wish that was my current age, alas it is not. That ship sailed many moons ago, some where around George Bush 1 (The old guy). But it is the number of unsightly pounds that I have shredded since I began this journey on April 9th. My deconstruction has been in full swing for 15 weeks. If we look back to my first appointment in January, I have been fully encompassed with this project for 7 plus months, over half a year. Time does fly.
 
Let's talk about what 40 pounds really is.
 
A 15 foot canoe weighs 40 pounds. FYI - My old ass would never fit in a canoe. The kids at camp always made me go in the big boat.
 
An average 3 year old child and a full size Soft Coated Wheaton Terrier each weigh 40 pounds. In case you're wondering, I did check. A strange kid or a lost dog was not wedged in my butt crack.
 
An average full size human leg weighs 40 pounds. Really? I think one of my legs is the average weight of a full size human.
 
5 gallons of water weighs 40 pounds. Did you ever try to replace the big bottle on the water cooler? They're friggin heavy. It takes 2 skinny kids in my office to change it.
 
2 car tires weigh 40 pounds. Wow. I've been wearing two radials around my mid section. My goal is to lose a whole set of tires .... and the spare. Yikes.
 
4 ten pound bowling balls weigh 40 pounds. Try carrying those up and down the stairs a few times.
 
Need we go on? It's mind blowing to me that this much excess blubber was attached to my paltry frame. AND I'm not even half way done! I still gotta lose at least a kid and a Chihuahua to hit my goal.
 
Remember the guy who said " I treat my body like a temple." That obviously wasn't me. I've treated my body more like an all night diner. Attached to a liquor store. Years of binge eating, binge drinking and party chasing have come back to haunt me. There's always a price to pay. Reminds me of that 70s era bumper sticker: "Gas, Grass or ass, nobody rides for free."
 
The good news is that I should hit the half way mark to my goal some time next week. If I average losing 1-1/2 pounds per week I should hit goal near the end of January. In the mean time, if your missing a kid or a Labrador Retriever, I'll bend over and give you look in my handy lost & found area.
 
Chow Chow!
Johnny
 
P.S. I see Dr. X Monday for another fill. I'm guessing he's going to take me up another 1.5 ccs. That will be a 30% closure on the band. Another new adventure.
 
Visit my blog at;
 
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com

This lapband journey has had its ups and downs already and I'm still waiting to be banded. Finishing with the nutritionist tomorrow and then a surgery date and insurance approval and then I'm home free....so they tell me.
 
It's been some journey so far. An experience in every aspect. First, the decision to do this...years in the making...and what a decision it is...lots of research, lots of reading, and lots of questions. Then, came the testing...the poking, the prodding, the multitude of appts and doctors and hoops to jump through. What came of it all...luckily, I'm "healthier" than I thought for being morbidly obese....or maybe I should say that my luck hasn't run out yet! And happily, I've begun to make some new friends on this journey of mine!
 
Just when I'm on a roll and feeling positive a flood of negativity and fear comes flooding in from just one thread on this site. It was disheartening and more than anything else...SCARY!!!!
 
So, I've decided the following.....
...I'm moving forward with positive thoughts
...I have a 2nd appt with my surgeon to ask every question that has come up since my 1st appt...and there are many!!
...I will continue to follow the positive, successful, and supportive members here who really want to help....YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!...AND I THANK YOU ALL AGAIN!
...I will continue to educate myself and ask as many questions as I want!
 
From all this I've learned I have the right to question and question and question some more....and not to feel bad about it.
I've learned that unfortunately there are naysayers who dont want to share "opinions" and tell there story--they want to breed fear. :ph34r:
I've learned I will not be a part of that again.
I've learned to stop doubting myself to the point of panic setting in.
 
I'VE LEARNED TO BELIEVE IN ME...SOMETHING I HAVEN'T DONE FOR WAAAY TOO LONG! :wub:

The one thing I can say that is different about my food thinking is- I am a great deal more concious of what I eat and drink. Before I take something in, I often times will ask is it worth the calorie cost. The answer on many things is NOPE. This morning I was craving an Iced Mocha Latte from McDonalds- well the calorie cost isn't that high for the one I order (around 250), but to me it still was not worth it.
 
There was a day a day when if it tasted good I ate it, heck sometimes if it didn't taste good I'd eat it anyway. How sad is that? Now if I eat one bite and it's not appealing I am done- why waste the calories on something that isn't good. I would eat at meals like I'd never eat again, with the thought that the next meal I'd take it easy on- did I- no. Sometimes even now I find those old thoughts creaping up in my brain and I have to shake it off.
 
Now I am in a quest to find food that taste amazing and cost less in the calorie department. This isn't always easy to do. Last night I fixed homemade Chicken Alfredo with brocollini. For the pasta- spagetti squah, which is amazing, if you like paste I challenge you to try this- it is so easy to cook in the microwave. I made my own alfredo sauce that had no butter and was made with 2% milk rather than heavy cream. The chicken was boneless skinless chicken breast cut into bite size peices. Tossed a little brocolini florets in for color and add texture. It was awesome- so didn't feel like I was giving up anything. Just savored each bite.
 
I believe that if we were as concious with our calorie cost as we are with money cost there would be a lot less fat folk- I know I would be. So I try each day to look at my calorie count that way- is it worth the cost or not. Is it worth that extra pound I will see on the scale. You know what, there are times when it is worth it- but most of the time it isn't. If we live in this mind set it makes letting go of those calorie bombs not so difficult. For me sometimes, it makes thing taste less awesome, if I know it is loaded.
 
So, a challenge to us all- equate calories to dollars- is a milkshake worth $1000- NOPE

I was reading the forum today and read a reply to a post about snacking that said “It’s okay to be hungry.”
 
This got me thinking (I know scary, huh?!)
 
Do I really know what true physical hunger feels like? Hunger where you don’t know if or when you will eat again….. Pain and discomfort from malnutrition and dehydration.
 
I have never experienced true physical hunger.
 
But, I’m the first to say I am sooooo hungry. Why? Was it the way I was raised? Society? Or what?
 
Before my band food was everything. I would plan every meal to the tee and as soon as the meal was over I was talking/planning the next meal. Breakfast at 8am, lunch at noon, afternoon snacks/cocktails at 5pm and dinner at 7pm. My belly alarm would go off at each time and I would say I’m hungry. I was obsessed with my meals and eating. Food had all the control.
 
Fast forward 18 months and I have the control back (for the most part). Yes I still eat on the same schedule. This is a personality flaw for me, very organized and schedule oriented. It drives some people crazy. The difference is that I know this is a trigger for my head hunger and I don’t let that “I’m hungry” feeling take over. I know when I’m going to eat, I know how much I’m going to eat and I know what types of foods I’m going to eat.
 
So, yes it’s okay to be hungry. But, my head hunger will not control me, I will control it!

I need to get ya'll up to date. I have been a bit behind my updates due to a busy schedule. Last week's busy-ness included another 3 day golf event and a lengthy visit from Al. C. Hall. As always, there is good and bad news to report. On the bright side, I really made good food choices and my personal technology says I walked 21.36 miles and burned 9711 calories during this 3 day period. However, I did enjoy more than several adult beverages and succumbed to a few bar snacks. Unfortunately, I think these transgressions shortened my weekly weight loss. But I'm back up on the horse and ready to get going again.Now I want to share a little tidbit of information I casually picked from a doctor acquaintance of mine. After a laid back round of Sunday couples golf, our group headed off for a mid day meal. Conversation soon turned to my quest to be less fat. I explained to the good doctor my calorie counting strategy and my progress so far. She then dropped a fun fact on me that really hit home. The affable Dr. S contends that you need to burn 3000 more calories for the week than you take in to lose 1 pound. Simple genius! Not only is this easy is to understand for my neanderthal intelligence level, it's also a number. A number than can be used in a math equation to help me better understand what exactly I'm doing here. Fact is, I have been really concentrating on what's going in the ol' pie hole. I really haven't thought about the going out process. I suppose I have typical fat ass thinking. Eat less. Lose weight. Is it that simple? Kinda. But there's more to it.

I have embraced technology to help me find Slim Street. I have 2 items that I now find essential for me to finish the filleting of my fat. First, the MyFitnessPal app (MFP). I use the daily food diary to keep track of every morsel that goes in my massive yapper. If I can't find exactly what I ate in the index, I err on the high side. My second technological necessity is my FitBit Flex. Don't ask me how, but this little peanut size device records every step I take and figures my daily calorie burn. This miniature device syncs with the FitBit app on my phone which syncs with my FitBit scale which syncs with the MyFitnessPal app. I have all the data crunching tech I need.
 
 
 
But I needed the numbers to make sense to me. And Dr. S's simple equation is helping me do that.
 
Let's do the math! Time to brush up on your a-fat-ma-tic. I have chosen a 1200 calorie a day diet plan. That would be 8400 calories in per week. Dr. S's tip mandates that I burn 12,900 (3000 + 1500 =4500) per week to lose 1-1/2 pounds. Divided by 7, that's 1842 calories per day! Now... Let's recall what Trainer L told me during my pre-op exercise visit. She said my body burns 1650 calories a day with just normal activity. That means I only have to burn an extra 200 calories a day to lose the 1-1/2 pounds. Simple math for a simple mind.
 
 
It's starting to dawn on me that I can burn more than 12,900 calories a week, especially in the summer. Heck, last week I burned 19,800 calories according to my FitBit. The MFP app has another nice feature. When you're done logging your calories for the day, it will calculate burn and show you what you will weigh in 5 weeks if every day was like today. So far, it's been right on target. It's telling me that I will lose another 10 pounds by the end of August. Awesome news.
 
 
So take it from me. Do your math and embrace your technology. I'm no Bill Gates when it comes to these fancy gadgets and I surly ain't no math wizard. But I will embrace anything that will help me finish my fight against flab. And guess what? There's an app for that.
 
 
 
 
More to come....
 
Johnny
 
If you want a good laugh, start at the beginning of my blog and see what I went through to have the LB installed!
 
TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com

Had a fantastic weekend but as usual my only wish was it didn't fly by so fast. I was in my friends wedding this weekend. Probably for the first time in many years I felt really good about myself. I felt I looked decent and I was confident. I am so thankful to my new best friend of 15 months (My band).
 
It is truly amazing what proper fitting clothes can do for your psyche. Even standing outside decked out in a tux with it being 95 with a heat index of 105 I was quite content. 15 months ago I would not even have been able to stood long enough to be in this Wedding and finding an actual tux that would fit would've been a tremendous challenge.
 
 
 
This first pic was taken with my IPhone which obviously has a dirty lens.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 

Can you hear your band?
 
My band I think is bipolar. One day he yells at me, the next quite as a mouse, then the next firm but forgiving. Ok- what does this mean. One day I get stuck no matter how well I chew, the next day I can eat anything I want with no issue whatsoever, then the next after two meatball George's stop, now that is enough. What is up with that, why can't he be consistant???
 
For many of you, as it is for me over eating was the biggest cause of my weight- rather than just what I ate. I mean I love veggies, but even to much of a good thing can be bad. My portions is what I must watch and control. I know everyone says because you can eat more doesn't mean you should- this is exactly right, but when it taste so heavenly you want just one more bite. Some day George D. Band allows one more bite, some days he slaps me up side the head and says nope, I am going to make you pay for that. Then on occassion is clamly say, slow it down girlfriend it's time to stop. I enjoy the calm days, we get along really well those days.
 
For instance today- breakfast: Light & Fit Greek Yogurt 2X protien with two tablespoons of granola on top- snack 5 snowpeas with ranch dip (greek yogurt dip)- lunch 2 meat balls a little larger than a quarter. Each meal George said stop and I did. Days like today, he makes it easy, but there are others where I wonder what sector of hell he came from.
 
At 13 months out I have only lost 60 lbs . There are so many out there doing so much better than me, and I lament. I have 45 lbs more I want to lose. I know, I eat what I want, I don't feel I sacrifice, should I sacrifice. What more do I need to do? Gotta do something?

Had 2 big things happen today. First, I was able to get back to the gym for spin class for the first time since surgery and second, I saw my nutritionist.
Getting back to spin class was a big deal for me. Pre-surgery I worked out 4-5 times a week. Spin class was at least twice a week, and something I really love. I have been missing it for a while. I went to class like normal, but toned it down a bit. I'm normally really pushing myself to go faster and harder each time, but today I took it kind of easy. I'm sure that doesn't sound like a big deal to most people, but it is very hard for me to 'take it easy' with anything. My port got a bit sore mid class, but it was fine. It was so good to be back in the saddle!
I had an early morning appointment with my nutritionist today. She is nice, but it drives me a bit crazy that she looks like she has never weighed over 110lbs. She does know what she is doing though, and is very good at her job.
As many of you know I've been posting about not losing weight recently. I've been pretty frustrated and unable to determine what I am doing wrong. Well, I was told today that I'm not getting enough carbs! That is a first. I guess getting enough protein has been drilled into my head so hard that I kind of forgot to get carbs. She also told me I should be keeping my calories between 800-1100 and not eating my exercise calories. She printed up an example menu for me and I'm going to try to follow it the next two weeks and see what happens. I have my first fill on August 1st and I feel like I already need it. I ate 1000 calories today waaayyy to easily.....

Wow I overcame my plateau sooner that I thought! So how did I do it? Easy I changed my exercise routine and I started jogging. I tried my Zumba DVD my coworker brought me but I don't like it. Maybe I will try Zumba on the Wii or something else.
 
Last Thursday I met with my Dr. and I found out two things. One I beat my plateau and two I didn't need a fill. He told me I was going a great job and keep it up. So I felt pretty good when I left the office.
However I thought I was going to gain some weight back because this past weekend I went to Chicago! I pack my blender bottle, put my protein powders in my snack size Ziploc bags and I portion sized all my snacks just in case. I did pretty good but I didn't have time to research any restaurants because My mom decided to take me, my sister and my nephew to Chicago at the last minute! Too funny but we needed it.
 
So how did I do?
Every morning I was in the hotel fitness room working out for 30 minutes. I had my protein shake for breakfast, Chia seeds for a snack and salad for lunch. But dinner was a whole another story! Saturday night we went to Medieval Times! Oye! Thank goodness for my 18 month old nephew and to go boxes. So what did I eat? I had the soup the quarter of the chicken and ate the one rib they gave me. I gave my nephew my potatoes, bread, other half of my chicken and my apple turn over. My sister said I did a good job so I was happy with that. As a precaution I worked out for another 10 minutes when we got back to the hotel.
 
Sunday was scary because I was eating food I haven't tried on the band. My Mom wanted a Chicago style hot dog so we ate at Portillo's. I was never a hot dog eater before the band but since I was afraid to have a Chi town style pizza so I had a hot dog with no bun. Did my band like it? Yeah I did pretty good I just chew chew chew chew and chew!
 
Chicago was amazing and I lost 2 oz during my time there!
 
Thanks for reading!

Monday, July 15, 2013





Welcome back! Are you ready for your weekly beefy brief from your pudgy pundit? Ready or not, here comes another rant for the rotund.







Let's start with a recap of the just past 4th of July holiday weekend. I will say it was a definite challenge! The old Johnny would have gained at least 5 pounds by feasting on ribs, burgers, fatty salads and sugary desserts during this fat-a-topia. I would have also had my Jimmy Buffet margarita maker working overtime rendering the frozen concoction that helps me hang on. Sunny summer holidays are the perfect excuse for gluttony of both food and drink. The good news is the New and Improved Johnny made it safely through this fat fest and actually lost 1-1/2 pounds. Whew!







Let's get on with the NSV's. While a weekly weight loss is the ultimate goal, there are also other rotund rewards along the journey that are a by product of the weight loss. We call 'em Non Scale Victories. Hence the NSV. This comes from the fat ass secret code book. (Don't tell anyone I let you in on it.)







I have had a few NSV's since I started my juggily journey. Mostly of the clothes variety. If we flashback to the day I got off the plane from Florida in early April, we will recall I was about 1 biscuit away from invoking my Level 3 emergency clothes protocol. That would have meant wearing only sweat pants and a moo moo. In other words, I was out of any wardrobe that I could wear out in public. Mercifully, I started my own pre-op - pre-op diet. My doctor wanted me to wait, but I didn't have an option. It worked. I was safely in my Level 2 fat wardrobe in a couple of weeks. I could work with this limited collection, so emergency averted. NSV number 1.







In a couple more weeks, I found that my normal wardrobe (Level 1) was beginning to fit again. I was no longer gasping for air while wearing a tie and the threat of a sudden injury caused by a flying button from my pants had receded. I also found my golf shorts and casual shirts were no longer making me look like a stuffed sausage. I could feel the difference. NSV number 2.







Then around the end of May, people started noticing that my fleshy face was starting to look smaller. I had a couple flabby friends ask me what me secret was. This made me take a good look at myself in the mirror. Wow! I could see the difference. I guess I was in a kind of fat fog and didn't pay attention. My body was changing. The good way this time. Another NSV.







But I now I'm dealing with a couple unexpected consequences. Firstly, my golf swing has gone to hell. After 30 years of playing this stupid game, it's like I never swung a club before. My new, smaller body has really messed up my timing. Secondly, after 3 months of dieting and a loss of 38.5 pounds, my spiffy Level 1 wardrobe is starting to look huge on me. Seriously, I'm dressing up in my best stuff and it looks like I shop at Hobo Junction. People that don't know me are probably thinking my clothes are donated and I'm homeless. But I'm not complaining! These are GOOD problems.







I knew the time for an intermediate wardrobe was coming. It kinda snuck up on me. I think I have another couple weeks at most with Level 1. Then it's on to the Marshall's and Steinmarts. I just need some cheap clothes to get me through to my final landing weight. Then I'll start the real restocking.



So if you see a svelter looking guy in over sized clothing walking around, don't feel bad for him. It's either me or dieting hobo.
 
Talk soon!
Johnny
 
reprinted from my blog: TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com
 
Come and visit!

They say we didn’t gain all our weight overnight and therefore we shouldn’t expect to lose all the weight overnight. And as we get closer to our goal it gets harder and harder. It becomes a very frustrating thing.
 
Then when we finally reach our idea weight, we have to maintain that weight FOR LIFE! No relaxing allowed. Because it will creep back on bit by bit.
 
That is where I am at, I let my eyes do my measuring and bit by bit the sizes kept getting bigger…..
 
Then I let myself make some not so good choices. Oh I can have a little of this and a little of that, I’m not trying to lose weight, just maintaining so it won’t hurt…..
 
Guess what, I am pushing that five pound threshold that my doctor said I should keep. Yep up five pounds from my goal.
 
Oh, I could sit here and say I don’t understand. I haven’t changed my eating or my exercise. But I did change things (slightly). A little bigger size of this and that. Extra treat here and there. Skipping on this exercise or that. It all adds up and at the end of the day I have gained five pounds over the last month.
 
Now what, cry in my Wheaties? Nope, I get my a s s back on track. Weigh my food, eat my protein first, drink my water and exercise every day. And guess what, I will have to do this for the rest of my life.
 
So for anyone thinking that the Band (or any WLS for that matter) is a quick fix, guess again! It takes change and lots of it, and it takes a lifetime commitment.
 
I’m in it for life and bit by bit I will get these five pounds back off.

When ever and what ever journey you take your are often inspired to take it by someone or something.
 
I was inspired to have WLS due to several friends having it and having great results. Once banded I have been inspired by people right here on this site- Carolina Girl has done amazing, Missy Wowzer what a awesome job, AJ beautiful!! There are many others, but these are those that I look to and always want to read what they have to say, because I relate to them and are inspired by them and their words. Yeah some times my toes get steped on, but that means they are getting to me and will help me.
 
In the 1 year time period I have had my band I went from 244 to 187. Yeah, people have lost twice that much in the same time period, but I didn't. I am a little jealous, would love to have done better, but I am me and am where I am and I am working on it. My journey brings to mind a song that the little kids at my church use to sing and it inspires me:
 
"I am a promise, I am a possibility, I am a great big bundle of potentiality" - That line make me smile, because I know I have the possiblity and the potential to do whatever I set my mind to. It inspires me to work hard to get the things I want, like getting to goal.
 
We all have to get our inspiration to work hard and continue the journey on the rough days from somewhere and something- there are people all around me that give me this. My hubs, the three amazing ladies above who inspire me with their post even if they don't know it, my mom who is always telling me how proud she is, my friends who are proud, and my body that feels better and doesn't get winded when I run up my stair case in my house.
 
While I was lucky I never reached the point of having diffulity walking, I was getting there. My knees were begining to have pain. My ankles, both of which have been broken multiple times were crying out for me to lose weight. I am glad I finally was inspired to do this last year and I am thankful for all the place and people that inspire me to contiue this journey each and every day.
 
Look around you today find your inspirations and smile- hold on to them so on a dark day you can whip 'em out and keep movin'.

It's taken me a long time to get my head screwed on right. I went from being heavy to being too thin, and after a lot of analysing, I decided that I'm finally happy with my weight. Because I'm not all about my weight.
 
This was a difficult mindset to come to. I sometimes wonder, when I was losing, whether or not I'd traded one obsession for another: food for weight loss. My whole goal was to lose, and it didn't matter what the scale said, I kept wanting to lose.
 
My best friend eventually intervened. She told me she thought I was too thin. She could see the ribs in between my cleavage, my hip bones stuck out, my head looked too big for my body.
 
My doctor did too. He said if I didn't stop losing, he would unfill me a little. So I worked to gain a little bit to get to a BMI of 23, not because I wanted to, but because I was scared that if he unfilled me I'd gain it all back.
 
Fast forward a few years, and my band starts leaking. My worst fears come true - I start gaining. I get disillusioned with my doctor's failed attempts to fix it, and I fall off the grid, and off the wagon. I start gaining and I don't care. I've given up.
 
Christmas comes around and I go on vacation to spend it with my son and when we go to the park, I realise that for the first time in 4 years I can't keep up with him. The penny drops and I remember why I got banded in the first place: for him.
 
That same moment, I make a decision to turn my weight gain around. I start tracking my calories, and exercising, and I lose weight, and I then make an appt to see my dr again to try to get back on track. At that appt, he withdraws the fill and it's immediately apparent that my band is still leaking, and we discuss what we should do next.
 
The next few weeks really confused me: Do I replace? Do I revise to a sleeve? Can I do this on my own? Am I really not capable of maintaining without the band? Am I really so hung up on weight loss that I'm going to go under the knife again??
 
And more importantly, was I really unhappy? My weight changing didn't change me, it just changed how people saw me. Did I really want to get on that rollercoaster of weight loss being so important that I'd get too thin?
 
So I made a decision: I'd get a replacement, because maintaining my weight was a lot easier with a working band, but I would not make weight loss my goal.
 
It was for this reason that I decided I didn't want to lose anymore, and instead would get lipo to 'take care' of the problem spots.
 
I'm not 5 days post lipo and by all accounts I'm exactly where I want to be.
 
So what's the point of this post? That self-same best friend yesterday asked me how much fat they'd taken out during lipo. Did I lose any weight?
 
So this morning I weighed myself. And yes the scales have gone down. And I was ecstatic. And all day today I'm thinking 'maybe I should try to lose a few more kilos, I could still stand to lose some weight' until I caught myself and shook myself out of it.
 
Body image. It's such an insidious damaging thing sometimes. Because we constantly have to convince ourselves we're good enough, that we're happy enough, that we don't need to be better than we already are and actually believe it. And it's a battle you can't ever let your guard down on. And I'm angry with myself for having succumbed to that vicious inner voice in my head today. She really needs to shut the hell up.

This morning I met my goal for the week. I managed to get to the gym every day this week and worked out hard. I am consistently increasing resistance and endurance. And - I hate to admit it - I enjoy it. By the way, I'll deny that if anyone asks!
 
So this morning, I was on the elliptical with my headphones, getting my jam on and feeling pretty good about myself because I'm making progress and meeting goals. As usual, I was watching the tv monitor above my machine (not much else to do at that point). Normally, they have it tuned to news or sports that early in the morning (at 5:30, there's not much else on). Today, for some reason, they had it on a channel that was just infomercials. The first was for make-up and the second was for hair products. As I sweated and pedaled faster, I learned all about how as a woman, I really need to have those make up products and how vital it is that my hair is shiney and bouncy. I really started to get pissed.
 
I am SO SICK of hearing that I need just this one more thing to make me acceptable. The make up commercial interviewed a woman with a birthmark on her face that she could cover up with this make up. She cried as she talked about how she felt she could not go out in public because of her shame about how she looked - until she discovered this make up. Now she can cover her "imperfection" and hold her head up high in public because no one knows what she really looks like. What a tragic commentary on our society! I work on a daily basis with political refugees from other countries who have spent their entire lives just trying to survive. Some have been tortured, imprisoned, had fingers or limbs amputated in the course of "interrogations," had their families threatened, on and on and on. Seriously?!? We're worried about shiney hair?!?
 
All day I have fought the urge to eat. I finally figured out why. I am such a passive aggressive person, I think a huge part of me wants to stay fat just to give a great big finger to everyone who would judge me on something like what size I wear, how shiney my hair is, or how smooth my skin looks (oooh - and by the way, I'm not sure I can go on with such stubby eyelashes. Life just isn't worth living!)
 
I'm sick of hearing how inadequate I am. My teeth aren't white enough (or straight enough), my skin isn't clear enough, my legs aren't smooth enough, my hair isn't full enough, shiney enough, straight enough, or curly enough. I don't smell good enough and my lips aren't red enough. But don't worry - there's a plan, product, or prescription for all of it! (My personal favorite is the prescription for thicker eyelashes. REALLY?!?!)
 
Dammit! I'm good enough just as I am! If I never lose another ounce! I will do this, but I will do it on MY terms and for MY reasons. I do not need to fit into their mold and meet their expectations, because no matter how much I do, it will never be enough. I have been suckered in to that shame and feeling of inadequacy all my life and I refuse to buy into it for another second!
 
I will be healthy (truly healthy - body and mind) not because of society's pressure, but in spite of it!
 
(Now can someone hand me a step ladder so I can get down off this box....)
 
Shelly

The band is a tool and will only work if used correctly, we know this and state it daily.
 
We have another very important tool, our doctor. He (or she) is the one we trusted to cut up our insides. But this tool doesn’t stop there, we pay them for our after care. I’m not talking just for the post op diets. I’m talking months and years of after care, whether it is fills or just checking in or complications we need this tool as much as we need our bands.
 
So why would we not use this tool? Why are we afraid to call the doctor? Why don’t we want to go back to the doctor? Who loses out when we don’t use this tool? The doctor doesn’t. He’s off helping other patients who are using their tool. We lose! We keep spiraling out of control, gaining weight, feeling like we failed, and hating the band.
 
I use my tools to the fullest capacity!
 
I lost 80 pounds in 10 months and have maintained my weight for the last 7 months. And, I still see my doctor once a month. Why? Because I am using my tool. I often don’t get a fill, I weigh in, ask any questions I may have and say hello to everyone. I am there so much that all the staff know me by name. They may get sick of seeing me, but hey I pay for this tool and by golly I’m going to use it.
 
So, if you are struggling and you haven’t seen your doctor in a while, pick up the phone and make an appointment. Use your tool! If you don’t you are only hurting yourself.

I saw a video of an interview with Dustin Hoffman today and it really rang true for me. I think I am so lucky because I was a big girl most of my life and lost the weight, and in the process I went from being invisible to being visible to society.
 
The thing is, I didn't even know I was invisible when I was heavy. How would I when I'd been heavy all my adult life? But when I lost the weight, and the level of attentiveness, regard and interaction people wanted with me increased out of sight, I realised how little people reached out to me before. That SO many people who think I'm amazing and wonderful now, wouldn't have given me the time of day 5 years ago.
 
An old friend and I were talking today, and he said he was so shy when he first met me coz I was thin already and he was 'still the fat guy', and he didn't understand why I reached out to him. I told him of anyone he'd meet, I'd be the one who would never see his weight, because unlike most people, I know better. I know that a person's weight doesn't define them. Because my weight should never have defined me.
 
Anyhow, it makes me wonder how many people have missed out on meeting the most amazing people because they stereotype them in their heads. Which is why Dustin Hoffman's interview struck such a cord. I hope it's ok to post it, because it really moved me, and I hope it moves you.
 
http://www.upworthy.com/dustin-hoffman-breaks-down-crying-explaining-something-that-every-woman-sadly-already-experienced-3

Before After
 
So I'm 2 days post lipo. I'm feeling really good! I called work because I was supposed to go back tomorrow but they said to take another day, so I am. Haven't needed pain meds but have got some swelling that is pretty uncomfy so I appreciate having a little more time off.
 
I'm so pleased with the result. I had a panicked moment just before I went into surgery asking myself why the hell I was doing this, but now, seeing that I actually have a waist for the first time in as long as I can remember, I'm glad I went through it!
 
I have lost so much weight trying to get a semblance of a waist, but even at my thinnest, I was just straight up and down. And being a BMI of 21 meant that while I was slim at the waist, I was also slim in the hips and my butt was flat. I looked like a little boy!
 
This time, with lipo and a little bit of extra weight on, I have that womanly figure I've always wanted! Boobs, butt and a waist!
 
Now just to get a little toned up in general! My home gym is arriving in 2 weeks so after that it's on! I am going to be the strongest 43 year old I know!
 
P.S my cat photobombed my 'after' pic. Lucky she's cute!

I was surfing on the tv and found an old Dr. Phil. The obese husband wouldn't go near his wife unless she was under 200 pounds. They have not had sex or kissed in 2 years. She got under 200 and he still won't go near her. He is obese and had the nerve to say he wants his size 10 wife back. Dr. Phil told him off but good. That is a form of abuse according to the doctor and I believe it.
I have heard of people that can not handle it when their partner loses a lot of weight and that they leave. That is sad. I know my husband and I have been married 42 1/2 years and have both been thick and thin but mostly thick for us. We are not going any where.
Everyone enjoy the rest of your long weekend.
Arlene aka 'Eye Candy'

Hi Everyone,
I am watching Dr. Oz right now and the show's subject is Toxic Love. Very interesting about what loved ones do to each other when they have health issues. Dieting together, a mother telling her daughter, you're fat etc. and cooking the wrong foods. Right now is a couple and the wife wears an insulin pump and the husband cooks all the wrong foods. The therapist is trying to help all the people. Great show.
I know of people like that, that make and feed the wrong foods to the diabetic, the WLS person, like all of us etc.
Who is the the toxic person in your life? Mine is ME!!!!!!

Having planted my own little urban garden this year, I have been enjoying natures bounty. I have spaghetti squash, yellow squash, zucchini squash, cherry tomatoes, cucumbers, and sweet bell peppers. So I have had lots of veggies to cook. So the following are some meals I have prepared with natures goodies:
 
Spaghetti Squash Garlic Alfredo
I cook the squash in the microwave, which takes just a little bit. I make my own garlic alfredo using garlic cloves, olive oil, 2% milk and flour. It's yummy and far less calories than the store bought kind. Sprinkle a touch of parm on top- yummy.
 
Veggie frittata
Saute zucchini, cherry tomatoes, onions, peppers add beaten egg and a dash of 2% milk - sprinkle with a touch of monteray jack cheese and it's a yummy meal that reheats wonderful.
 
Grilled Squash
Sliced squash tossed in a touch of olive oil, salt and pepper and place on a grill tray and grilled till tender enjoy or sprinkle with a touch of parm cheese.
 
Spaghetti Squash and Veggies
Cook Squash in the microwave
Touch of olive oil- sauté onion, peppers, cherry tomatoes, squash- salt, pepper to taste, dash of lemon juice. Toss with squash- sprinkle with parm cheese.
 
These are just a few things I have done in the last few weeks - it's nice to eat out of my own garden. I know it's organic, I know it's fresh, and it is soooo good!
 
 

Reprinted from my blog:
 
TheDeconstructionofJohnny.blogspot.com
 
 
Welcome back to my ever-growing throng of readers! It's great to see that so many folks have been loyally following my mission to fizzle my fat. I am more amazed every week when we get visitors from countries all over the world. I don't know what's more amazing, this Internet thing that I thought would never catch on, or the fact that so many different cultures could possibly embrace one fat ass's life long weight struggle. Whatever the case, I'm glad you're here. Especially, this week. I'm imminently facing my second dance with Devil. So get your pencils and scorecards ready.
 
 
 
 
Here's the 4-1-1 on my second dalliance with my old nemesis, The Beelzabub of Blubber himself. I have been faithfully on the old wagon, shying away from most "regular people" food, adult beverages and other forms of MANtertainment since April 9. So here comes my first big challenge. Starting this evening, my guest hits town for our annual golf tournament. This will be my 20th consecutive year of participation and is always the first thing to go on my calender. Besides 3 days of awesome golf, two wonderful social functions are attached to this event. The next few days will be filled with with everything "real men" long for .... Golf, drinking, smoking, gambling, dirty jokes and funny body noises. Yep.... Even your tight ass husband will let loose and revel in this form of legal debauchery. He can't help it. It's a pack mentality. Part of our code.
 
 
 
 
So you can see, the temptations will be coming at me from all angles. And just so we have no misunderstandings, I will be breaking my new rules and let loose a little bit. This has been planned and part of my year long goals. I need to be able to go to a function like this and not gain five pounds in three days. So immediate goal #1, be the same weight on Monday. That goal will be on the forefront of my mind as I say YES to a martini, NO to a hot dog, YES to Cuba Libre', NO to cheeseburger, YES to pinot noir and NO to a frosty sundae. I WILL have a couple of libations! I WON'T eat like my old self. That guy ain't here no more.
 
 
 
 
Yes, I have had one battle with the beast previously. It's duly noted that I lost the day but I did manage to keep the score down. And let the record show that I LOST weight that week. I didn't fall off the wagon entirely, I just kinda hung on the side. So that's immediate goal # 2. Don't fall completely off the wagon. I look at this as being in training for my new life. It's not in my nature to hide away like a hermit. So if I am to return to the real world some day, I need to be ready. These types of events, outings and get togethers are preparing me for the future ... kinda like fat college.
 
 
 
 
That's it for now. You need to check back early next week and find out who wins this battle. If my weight is the same on Monday as it is today I win! If not, it's another loss to the evil Prince of Plump.
 
 
 
 
See ya!
 
PS..... I'm down 33 1/2 pounds since April 9th. I get the first fill on Monday.
 
 
YOU CAN FOLLOW ME ON MY BLOG at:
 
TheDeconstructionofJohnny.blogspot.com

At 3 days shy of my 1 year banding mark, I have come to a lot realizations. Through this process you tend to learn about yourself and your strength. I have come to realize, I've lied to myself for a long time.
 
I use to think I ate healthy- WRONG. While I didn't hit fast food joints a lot, what I cooked at home wasn't cooked the healtiest and I ate a lot of processed foods. Beside that I just plain out ate a lot.
 
I use to think that this process would be a snap for me- easy as pie- that I would be a leader and knock the docs socks off- WRONG. I have lost 60 lbs, which isn't horrible, but I could have lost a lot more. I had to realize some things about me and it took a while. It's not always easy to make the right choices when it comes to eating.
 
I use to think- ok I can do this with out exercise- WRONG. I have lost the weight I have with little exercise. While on occassion I take a long walk with the pups, I did good for about a month on the elliptical and the hubs and I ride bikes when the weather allows. But, my workout are not routine, they are sporatic at best. Honestly, I believe I am going to have to add consistant exercise to my routine to ever lose more weight.
 
I use to think- ok, it's okay to eat not so great food today, it's only one day- WRONG. Some people are able to do this, I am not one of them. I find that if I go out and eat something that I normally don't, say fried chicken, that will set my cravings for other not so healthy foods off. For me going off a rigid plan only leads to a slippery slope that I have great difficulty not going over. I have fallen off this slope more times than I care to count. I am currently climbing my way back up to the top.
 
I use to think- I can do this alone- NOPE again. I need the support of so many people. When you are having a tough day, even though you know the answers to some questions, you just need someone there who can reassure you that you are correct. You need the support from the people you are around on a daily basis- spouse, kids, parents, roommates, friends and sometimes co-workers. You also really need a good open relationship with your doctor and nutrtitionist- these are the specilaist to can help you best of all with tweeks to your plan. You also need some type of support group- it could be an actual group meeting or this site- but a group of people who are going through the same thing as you are; who can understand the ups and downs. You also need somewhere that you can come and encourage others, so you feel value in this process - it's an evolving cycle.
 
These are not nearly all the things that I learned, but it's a lot of the big ones. I've stuggled with my weight since I was 6 years old; always being the big girl. I find that I ate complusively and emotionally for years even though I didn't realize it. I realize that while I haven't done horrible on this journey, the only reason I haven't lost more is that I did fully invest in it. I thought I could do it my way and still get where I wanted and that was wrong. I have to do what the doctor and the nutrtionist recommend- healthy diet (plan- whatever you want to call it), exercise, rest, lots of water.
 
So even though I am one year out and about 45 lbs from my goal of weight in the 140's, I am going to have to reinvest myself, get back into the game and hit it hard. I am going to have to do it or I will remain in the 180's.

We all say we like choices, but really do we? I mean choices is what got me to 250 lbs. I made bad ones!! Now that I have the band and am working toward losing weight I have choices to make.
 
While the band does keep me from eating crap and it doesn't prevent me for gaining weight- it does prevent me from eat a lot at the time, as long as it is not slider foods.
 
Pre-band I made a lot of bad choices. Basically, I ate, A LOT. I would eat when I was bored, I would eat when sad, mad, glad; I would eat when it was "time". Plus, I choose a lot of bad things. Like a milkshake to follow a big mac and fries- just the thought of that now makes me want to hurl. How the heck did I eat that much at a time.
 
Now I must, in order to loose weight, choose to eat healthy item. I must choose lean proteins, veggies, fruit, healthy carbs if any. These are my choices. Each of us made a choice to have band surgery. After surgery we have a choice, to follow a healthy life style and allow our band to do it's job aiding us in the effort or we can choose to continue down the same path we were on before the band.
 
In the early days the choices can seem harder. Before I had much restriction, I could still, if I choose, eat a lot; but I made a choice to follow the rules set before me by my doctor. The weight fell of which motivated me to continue.
 
As I got more restriction with fills the choice to eat more dwindled. If I ate half of what I did pre-band I would feel like I had eaten a cow. I would be uncomfortable and sick. However, as the months past my weight loss slowed and the motivation to continue to path lessend. I can eat whatever I want just not much of it. However, if I choose to put junk in I will not loose weight. If I choose heavy calorie and carb laden foods my weight with either remain the same or go up. So it is still my choice.
 
Sometimes I wish I had someone beside me every min saying her eat this, you can't have that, walk away, ok that is fine, ect. I just to say well, if I was a celeb and could afford a personal trainer and a personal chef I could loose weight to, but even with those you can choose to make band choices- you could still hit the McD's drive through.
 
Each day, each min, each hour I make a choice to do right by my band or turn my back on it and it's willingness to help me.
 
Making the right choice isn't always easy, but that doesn't mean we should take the easy road. For those who say WLS is easy, no, what would be easy would be to have stayed the way I was and continue to eat like I did and gain weight. But, now I have made a choice to change, a choice that I live with daily; but I have to continue to make right choice in this journey.

Everyone has a different idea as to what the ‘Green Zone’ should be like, how it should feel. How tight do you need to be in order to be in the zone? Some like to be really tight where as other like their band a little looser.
 
I have experienced my band being ‘nice and tight’ so to speak. I never felt physical hunger, but there was food I couldn’t eat like chicken breasts and vegetables. I would cook a wonderful meal for the family and then find I couldn’t eat it. I also found that it would take me over 30 minutes to eat. I hated meals; I would get frustrated and found myself turning to slider foods like cheese and crackers or peanuts. I struggled to maintain my weight from week to week and I was miserable.
 
This was not the lifestyle I wanted so I had my doctor take out half a cc of fluid from my band. The result is I can eat any and all foods without problems, I go 3-4 hours without feeling physical hunger and most important is being able to enjoy mealtime with my family. This is my ‘Green Zone’.
 
This experience makes me understand why so many posts say they are gaining weight and they might be too tight. It is very easy to gain weight when the foods you eat slides right down (they can be healthy foods too – mine was cheese & peanuts).
 
I cannot manage my band when it is too tight, I would rather manage my lifestyle and use my band to complement that style.
 
I am a loosey goosey! (Yep I made up a new term)