angelofmusic

Hi bandsters! Firstly, my surgery is March 15th! I am SO excited. I've been stewing over a few things internally, not knowing who to ask, then I realized: my bandsters! No one else will ever relate. So, like I said, I haven't even had the damn surgery yet and I'm already starting to question things about myself. Everyone has their reasons for the surgery...mine are this: I want a family. I want NOTHING getting in the way of me being able to have children or attracting the "type" of person that I want. Here comes my issue. I've recently met a really good guy who has an even bigger weight problem then me. Suddenly I'm wondering why I ended up the way I am...and how I could possibly ever ask someone to look past it and see the inside, as even in my current state of overweight-ness I'm having a hard time looking past his weight issues. Isn't the OUTSIDE a reflection of the INSIDE at some point? I've always thought that people who thought that way were shallow assholes. That's because I was too in denial about myself to accept that maybe they had a point. I want something better for myself. I've been healing on the inside and now this is my way of helping myself heal the outside...is it bad to want someone that WANTS you for what you are on the outside? Is it bad to admit that even though this man is a GREAT man, I'm not attracted to him? I feel like a hypocrite and am just wondering if anyone else has had this phenomenon or if i really am a shallow person.

I am anticipating a February band date! YAY!

Does anyone out there have providence? Wondering what kind of a fight I'm in for...

I would like to preface this post by saying that I have had a LOT of surgeries in my life, definitely more than the average bear. I cannot recall feeling particularly nervous for any of the others...but for this one, I am extremely anxious. I don't know what it is. Not post-surgery anxiety, but actual "knock you out you're unconcious in surgery" surgery. Anyone else have this problem? Anything help you?

My "ah ha" really happened while I watched a video of myself performing. I can remember when I was performing feeling more beautiful than I had ever felt. I felt stunning. When I watched the tapes, that's not what I saw at all. I saw fat. If that's what I saw from the outside, others see that too. I just want others to see what I see in myself.