Itsanewdaycassandra

Today I went to Zumba again for the first time since surgery and having dropped 53 pounds. For some reason I thought that I would be more graceful and more able to swing my hips and do my thing but I'm still gonna have to work on that. Thank god I 'dance' in the back of the class! Before I dropped this weight I had actually gotten pretty good at Zumba, but now I feel like my body is going nuts. My center of gravity is shot to hell, I drop everything and I just generally feel off. Not bad, as I actually feel pretty good, but different. Lighter, in some ways, and both stronger and weaker in others. I feel like I have a greater range of movement without all the previous fat globbed onto my bones, but I kinda feel like I'm 13 again and had just grown 3 inches overnight. Where do all the knees and elbows go?!?
 
I sometimes find myself shocked when I can sit cross-legged in a chair that I use to wedge myself into. Or when I cross my legs without thinking. Or when I put on that shirt that hasn't fit in 3 years. Little blasts of shocked pleasure and then I remember that my body is radically different right now. I almost feel like I'm going through puberty and having to relearn a drastically changing body landscape. Just today I realized that I needed a smaller sports bra. Of course, this realization happened during a particularily energetic Zumba song, but I was still surprised as I often remember it being almost too tight. Strange. I catch myself on those memories fairly frequently.
 
I also wonder what my body is going to feel like in another 90ish pounds when I get down to my goal weight. I sometimes feel like my body is melting away around me (totally not complaining!!) while my mind is off somewhere in an Irish pub singing bawdy sailor songs only to come back to a totally redocorated house. It's strange, and lovely, but so very confusing at the same time.

I bought a pair of 20's on a whim today and thought I'd just keep them in reserve and try them on every now and then for encouragement. Well...I WAS ENCOURAGED!!! They fit!!! I could NOT believe what I was seeing. My mind still sees 349 pounds, not 285. I'm pretty sure my wedding dress was a 20. I'm going to pull it out soon to see if it fits again. I might wait 10 more pounds for that though....
 
Wow. I'm still in stunned disbelief!! This is......just....I I I I I...don't have words. I'm giddy!!!
:lol:

Last week I went to my surgeons office an was disappointed to find out all my test results weren't sent to his office yet. He then scheduled me two weeks later (5/10/12) to come in and then we would submit to insurance. I was so bummed (and even wrote a mini rant on here last week lol).
 
Then this morning I come home from work ( I work overnights) and I get a call from unfamilar number that wasnt stored in my phone but looked somewhat familair . I didnt want to answer but I did because I was so tired and was so close to lala land.I did answer. It was my doctor telling me I was APPROVED for surgery!!!!!!!!!! I almost dropped the phone in disbelief!! He submitted it to insurance after all (on 4/26) and got the call today that I was approved. What a fast turnaround time!!
 
After I hung up I started dancing around my room. All that huffing and puffing last week for nothing!! Im happy he did submit without me knowing because now I wont have to go through the stressful waiting period.
 
I go in on friday to get my date and my protein shakes to start my two week fast. Im so happy and excited now. Thank you bcbs.

So I'm feeling overwhelmed. And I feel like my last two blogs this week have a whiney tone to them, my apologies. Considering I spoke with the dr's wife who does the nutritionist counseling for him and explained to her that my tummy contorts whenever I eat anything pureed at first and if I drink 1/4 of an oz of liquid, it helps... she told me I might have a stricture. You know just whenever pneumonia and a leak and abscess weren't enough ... now I worry I have a stricture. Let's hope that's not the case because if it is, IDK how I'm going to ever regain my confidence back. Oh lawd, here's that baby again.
 
Ok big girl panties, I wanted to post something more solid, more positive. So I have a book that I'm going to post something from. The book is called "Small Bites: Daily Inspirations for WLS Patients" and it's by Katie Jay and Julia Persing. I borrowed it from the bariatric nurse edjucator from the hospital.
 
Set your angel free
 
When you decided to have WLS, were you longing to set free something inside you? Obesity had hidden your true self from view. You longed to reveal the inner you. So, each day WLS has chipped away at your exterior.
 
Michaelangelo said "I saw the angel in the stone and carved until I set him free." Yet at the end of his first day, the rock still looked like...... a rock. Only slowly did it become the beautiful creation that was locked within. As you lose weight, you will change many times, you will wake up mornings and not recognize the thinner face that has replaced the rounded one. In time, with consistency, effort, and a firm vision, you will release your angel within.
 
Set aside a few quiet moments and visualize the inner you - your inner angel. In your mind, embrace that vision, talk to it, and plan together how your inner angel can help you remain steadfast.

HA! I have vanquished my evil foe, Ye Olde Insurance Company and it quivers under the might of my Sword of Righteousness! We have parleyed and it has given over approval for my surgery! Huzzah, I tell you! Huzzah and Woot!
 
That's right, boys and girls, Lyra is going under the knife on April 25! Ladies and Gents, there will be a new Sheriff in town! My stomach, who will soon be called "The Sheriff" is gonna be a spur-and-chaps wearin', six shooter tottin', topped with a ten-gallon cowboy hat fighter of fat! Together we shall eradicate my engorged lipid cells to the far reaches of the planet, never to be seen or heard from again!
 
And now, I am off to watch some Monty Python: The Search for the Holy Grail! Or perhaps a giant, mutant alligator going crazy and attacking townspeople movie!
 
Thank you to all and to all a kick-ass night!

I didn't make it to the gym today but I went online and found some old Richard Simmon videos....LOL. I haven't sweated like that in a long time... I worked out for 20 minutes and then I got on my elipitical machine. I am proud of myself. Starting today I am taking control of my life again.
 
Here's to the new me.

First, I should note I'm new to blogging, and new to this forum, so I will learn as I go. My hope is that I can verbalize my journey to the me I see through this forum and that it will be a way of support, healing, recovery, motivation, collaboration and reflection.
 
About me: Married, 2 kids, highest weight 334, surgery date weight 319. VSG performed at the Cleveland Clinic, Weston, Dr. Rosenthal & Dr. Sloan on 2/8/12.
 
For such a personal journey and private health issue - finding this forum has been a God send. I told no one at work, I told none of my family. I only shared the details with the people in my life that would be unconditionally supportive of this life changing decision. My husband and children, and my best friends Gina & Kathy. One person at work sort of knew - but I hope is going to respect my privacy. I even specified on my FMLA paperwork that only my HR Manager would be able to know. So, I pause. Why so much shame and protective privacy around making a life changing decision to improve my health? Because people are judgemental - they don't know what it is like to be in the skin that I'm in and they form opinions and have the nerve to voice them. They can be hurtful, demeaning, shallow. I came across this forum and observed acceptance, understanding, compassion. I lurked. Then I lept.
 
I have not been obese my whole life. Was taunted and teased as a child for being too tall and skinny - lean green string bean. Go figure? My mother, a vain critical woman, forced me into weight watchers as a junior in high school at 137 - thought I was too fat at a size 11. All my friends were 5, 7, 9, clearly I had an issue. So the seed was planted, and so I fed it. I was a healthy athletic young woman till about 21, and the freshman fifteen joined the party, and slowly my weight progressed. As the weight crept in, so did the bigotry, judgment and discrimination. My first experience was at 186, entering a bridal salon and being sized up visually by the counter person and her saying, "We can't help you miss...our dresses just don't go that big.". I was a size 18. My mother in law ended up making my dress. So rather than bore you with the details of my past - I will give you the abridged version. I got married. I had a baby. My husband came out of the closet. No, I did not know. I went into the pantry. I got on the band wagon of "embracing my curves" which, to some degree was a cop out for me, but easier than dealing with the emotional monkey on my back that fed my fat cells. I got divorced. There was a 7 year drought. I met Mark. We married. We had a baby. We are living the happily ever after.
 
I decided in 2011 to put my health first. I explored fixing my pelvic floor disorder - I had been living with since my first born, but when I went to the Dr. in the 90's for it - he made fun of my - "I'm surprised you are not wet all the time, you have so much fat on your stomach." - I was under 200 at the time. But it drove me back to my safe place - the pantry. People can be so rude. Anyway, so in December, I was on hold at the Cleveland Clinic and heard about the Pelvic Floor Disorder Center of Excellence. Long story short, that inquiry led to a consult that said, if we do WLS first, your pelvic floor surgery will be more successful - or perhaps not even be necessary.
 
To my primary care I went, I requested a letter of medical necessity, got it. To my surprise, my insurance paperwork was turned in on a Friday, I was approved on the following Monday, and I was scheduled for surgery on 2/8. Holy frijoles - this was now a reality! The jump is so far from where I am today, to what I want to become, I close my eyes and leap.
 
Surgery was done on 2/8 - I am now 6 days out and each day gets a little better. Less gas, less pain/discomfort, fewer tears, more hope.

I was going to have to wait until Feb 22 for my surgery but I got moved to Feb 3!! I am 5 day post op and feeling good. My hospital experience was interesting. Surgery went great......only took an hour. After was horrible!! I couldn't keep anything down. My body hates medicine. After a day of dilotin and morphine I called it quits. I'd rather deal with the pain then throw up and not be able to keep any nutrients down.
 
The pain is not bad at all. I've been off my pain meds since day 2. I am sore but its ok because I can tell exactly when I'm doing to much. I have taken walks and been out a few times. All occasions successful.
 
My tummy gurgles lots. I don't feel hungry. My food intake is low. Today I had a protein shake over about 3 hours, 1/2 cup of applesauce, and 1/2 cup of strained soup. Tried to sip water constantly. I don't want to get dehydrated. This is way more than in the hospital. Maybe a couple of sips but that's it. So I feel like I am progressing very well.
 
The hardest part for me is getting out of my head that I don't need all the crap I had before. I love food but not enough to stay 300lbs. Bye weight...........I won't miss you.