CowgirlJane

@@bellabloom I feel like you learned alot from this experience. Kudos to you. I suggest you consider some counseling..you have identified issues and a trusted advisor can help you find a new path. I am not old fashioned by any stretch but jumping in to a physical thing after even 5 dates is pretty fast. We each make a choice about what we want and I am not judging that desire...my point is if you know you have trouble by getting in too deep before knowing a person well maybe respecting that self knowledge and slowing down is something to think about. It is none of OUR business but discussing with a trusted counselor might help you avoid repeating the pattern. I know others will disagree, but I see nothing wrong with a"Mr Right Now" relationship for a person to enjoy even if he is not your future husband. I do think a person needs to be very clear in their minds about what they want and what a potential boyfriend offers. Then you have to decide if your emotional state matches all that and nobody gets hurt. Even that type of boyfriend should treat you awesome and you should be safe. Don't take this wrong and maybe I misread your intentions but you sound desperate for love and affection. That energy draws "takers" , users and manipulators and repels mentally healthy people. A counselor can really help you self reflect.

160.2 this morning! I was expecting to stay even but had a 2# loss this week. Just 2# more to be back to goal!!!

Much good advice. I felt ... not quite human... the first TWELVE WEEKS post op. I wasn't in physical misery... but I was kinda numb in many ways. I have a somewhat driven/type a personality type so I was able to slide into the mode of focusing on my rules, my food, exercise ... and then waited. Maybe I was depressed too - I dunno, I didn't feel that way at the time. I was more just "flat". I have a long history of using food to get that calm feeling - it was described to me that I used food as an emotional ballast. I kind of related to that remark; I was following the sleever rules which did NOT really support my food as emotional ballast situation! I was flat, not quite myself. Then, enough weight came off that I could do things! I was still quite overweight, but I went on a little hike with my college age son and I felt so happy I could do a normal Mom thing! I got fitter an fitter and then Mothers day became a hiking tradition where I kick ass! I think you can imagine how those experiences would shift the feelings too! Having said all that, get meds if that is what will get you started back on track! No reason to cut ourselves short on life - Only you know if that is a good option. I had lost 50# before anyone noticed (besides a close friend who complimented non existant weight loss!).

Alex, I never really felt this "urgency" post sleeve. I was super well prepared by my surgeon, nutritionalist, the booklet they sent home and the months reading this forum. Oh, and the FREAKING YEAR I spent in hell trying to decide if I was ready to have the better part of my stomach removed! I was well prepared. This probably sounds nuts, but the worst part for me was the band removal which was 3 months prior to the sleeve. I thought it was a no biggie, but I felt wounded. I had this hole where the port had lived for 10 years. I felt sickly, I felt feverish, I felt scared. I felt absolutely huge and somewhat hopeless. I went back and saw a PA at the surgeons office. He checked me over and we both agreed that it was primarily my emotional grieving. I very much appreciated that they took my worries seriously, checked me out and talked it through. I was fine, I just needed to be sad for a little while. Maybe not everybody needs this, but I credit so much of my success to the support from my surgeon's office.

Your stats are very interesting. I don't keep track, but I would say that I get nearly 100% response to emails/first contact. When I was on POF, I hid my profile and so I only contacted men I was interested in (I could not handle one more email from someone out of the area, or the under 30 crowd which is why I hid my profile. I don't mean to sound old fashioned, but you need to be significantly older than my children for me to consider dating you!) Alot of the email exchange dies away... kind of a natural death of boredom. Oddly, I am often the one that suggests meeting or talking on the phone ... I am just not into chatting for weeks on end. I am glad you published the stats because while you talk about it being a numbers game, I guess I didn't realize the number of numbers it takes. What I need to learn, the next time I give this a try, is to date several men for a good length of time before zeroing in on one. I am a relationship kind of person, so I let myself get sucked into a single person too quickly and then am disappointed when it doesn't work out. much to be learned.

So, Friday I had a very good appointment with my counselor. I hadn't seen her in a long time but I had something very specific to bring up. I wanted a diagnosis. I am not depressed, I am not bipolar... but, something isn't quite right to my way of thinking. I won't bore you with the details, but I cannot get my mind around how I have the best day-to-day life I have EVER had and yet I sometimes feel so empty. That empty feeling is less and less frequent, but it rears up predictably after bad news (like a doc appointment that shakes me up) or some kind of disappointment. It might last only an hour, it might last a few days. It isn't depression, but it is a heartache. It can easily spin into anxiety. When I was obese, I was physically so miserable, I don't recall this - I suspect it was because I stuffed it away with food or maybe because I felt so low it wasn't as noticable. Anyway, i wanted to know if I have a personality disorder. This kind of crap fits in with borderline personalities etc. so, we had a long talk about it and she was very clear that I do not have borderline or other personality disorders but i have this underlying "abondonnment issues". It is due to my early childhood and some stuff that happened (I was raised by older sisters who moved out and left me and so I didn't really bond with my mom as a small child due to the size and chaos of my family). We talked about alot of things I experience - including my friendships, my dating life, how i feel about casual aquaintances vs friends. She found ways to point it all back to that underlying fear of abandonment. Example, I am often bored/disinterested by people I meet. It is like, I don't feel all that interested in people unless I have a real connection or more likely, have known them a long time. Like at least a year. She told me to practice looking into that "bored" or disinterested feeling and probably behind it is my fear.anxiety of letting them get to close ... all related to this abandonment theme but I just don't recognize it. So, it made a bunch of stuff make a bit of sense to me. Example, since being single, the only man I have felt anything resembling love/attachment toward is my old FWB Steven. Well, we have lots of chemistry, he is brilliant and a great conversationalist, I have known him a few years now... i can go on and on about "reasons" but you know what is really under it? i have lost my temper at him and he never rejects me. I realize that he is one of the few people in my life that I feel like I can be completely myself/honest and he will still love me because he knows my flaws and I know his and at a certain level we are both very accepting of them. Of course, that is a deadend/not a real relationship and I rarely even talk to him anymore, but my point it is it was very insightful to understand the feelings behind it. I have two girlfriends i have this kind of depth and trust with and it took a long time to get there. We talked about how I AM healing, I am getting better, I am moving forward and I have some new strategies to try since I don't like feeling this emptiness. I don't need to be happy all the time, but I really hate that bad lonely feeling. I left invigorated and feeling more hopeful about myself. during the drive home, I realized something. I used to have a personal motto that was very negative and i don't think it anymore. I used to always say "Everybody leaves, even if they didn't mean to". I developed that motto after my sister died as it was such a huge loss to me. But it is deeper then losing her, I think i really did expect everyone to abondon me at some point. It seems so odd because I am pretty self confident/not a clingy needy kind of person but this insight does explain how I felt so lonely at times. I know some of us on this board have struggled with some low times/depression/etc. I am curious if any of you have found ways to peel back the onion a bit and find what is under it. I want to live the next decades of my life the very best I can. I wasted some quality of life on obesity and I sure don't want to waste my future contentment on this.

@@UK Cathy I suck at doing those kind of really rigid resets... but I have successfully reset. I was helped by starting the wellbutrin, although the decreased appetite side effect has worn off AND by the construction in my house which completely eliminated my ability to snack on anything besides Protein drinks..haha. anyway, it is like once you aren't eating so much, it just gets easier. I don't think I will have a loss this week (aiming for 1# a week) but I am still on track for my mini goal of 158 by Halloween.

I am glad you are taking care of yourself. I had something happen in my life that reminds me of this just a little. I have a friend that I have known about 8-10 years. We share the horse hobby. She rode with me when I was so physically limited all i could do was have my horse walk. She rode with me when I was low confidence and felt shame. I felt alot of loyalty to her as she had treated me in a way that I very much appreciated. So, I lose all this weight, and I can do alot more. I keep riding with her only now we are able to do ALOT more. I borrowed an endurance horse for a summer and she and I did crazy mountain climbing/cliff hanging difficult rides. It was fun, except there were two nagging problems. Somehow, I had not noticed how darn negative and anxious she is. I don't mean unkind, just a negative, depressed and anxious worldview. As my mental health improved, it really started striking me as a downer. More importantly, her voliatile temper resulted in a volitale horse. We were on a cliff hanger ride when her hot temper got us in big trouble. I was on the side of a steep edge and she decided to do battle with her horse over something stupid and avoidable, and her horse reared, swung around and bolted and body slammed my horse. I credit that little horse for standing his ground, taking a full hit instead of us going over the side of a cliff. I was telling that story to a mountain biking friend of mine and he went pale. He said "never ride with her again. She is nuts and put you in danger. Mountain bikers break bones when they wreck, but equestrians DIE." (it is because we are so far off the ground and also the risk of the horse crushing you if they go down.) I never saw it that way until he said those words. It is like it never even occured to me that I needed to protect myself from somebody else's irrational behavior. I felt so much loyalty to her it took me a long time to think about our whole history... while she was a good friend in the ways I remembered, she also did a lot of stinky things in that time. It has been a hard to decision to limit my contact, and especially riding with her. One of our mutual friends has come to the same conclusion for somewhat similar reasons. The point of my story is that sometimes when you are in the middle of a toxic situation, it isn't that obviously. It was the retelling of my "adventure" where my life passed before my eyes that I realized what it was really like. Seeing that made start to see all the other issues that her anxiety and terrible temper had caused. I don't like how she treats her horses, her husband or her friends. the last straw was when she yelled at me when I was doing something as a favor for her (she is a hothead and just has tantrums when things don't go exactly her way). She apologized later, and all by itself i would have forgiven it, but it was part of a pattern of a person who is kinda messed up. I deserve better whether I am fat or thin. We all do.

Mean people suck, and I think that in general there is too much unnecessary roughness on these forums. Let's face it, massive weight loss after having your innards surgically adapted is a big freaking deal. Sometimes people post stuff that strikes me as complete madness and I remind myself that probably alot of us had some nuttiness during this journey. Some of that comes across as rigidness, judgement or more. There is someone who hasn't posted in years, but who was so incredibly overdramatic about everything from preop on. She had complications and many times a day pelted her misery on these forums. I really felt empathy for her but also found that degree of extreme emotional spewing to be hard to take. Then ,she disappeared. Just gone. Like a year later she posts an update, life at goal, it was all worth it..yadda yardda...sounded great. I realized that was an example that we often get the worst and the best of people on these forums and miss out on the ordinary "in the middle". She probably wasn't the drama queen she seemed to be, she was just going through alot. Anyway, don't read too much into people's replies. Sometimes they are hurried and terse and seem unfriendly but we all are going through a big deal.

@@OKCPirate has a point. What is the purpose of this weird self judgment scale? I had a plastic surgeon refer to my body type as athletic. This was right after weight loss so the description surprised me ,but I've held on to it as a positive image. Who me, athletic?

The part I am not following is the statement that people who are further out from surgery, like me, aren't interested in good health. Actually, I have a hard time shutting my mouth over the people who dont make the shift away from over processed, fast foods etc. Because clean eating is healthier and more conducive to weight maintenance. Losing weight is easy (for many) but maintenance is the true work. I am not perfect but choose healthy most of the time. There are plenty of strong opinions on this forum, including yours, and I would like to hear them all. For each of us stating opinions there is a risk others won't agree.

I keep reporting them!

I am a host and can delete too but Alex asked me to just report them. Drives me crazy.

Based on my personal experience and what I have read on the boards: -exhaustion and feeling like crap is a bit normal, but I betcha you are dehydrated. If you can't get fluids in, ask your surgeon if you can get IV fluids. You don't need to go to the hospital for that. -emotional - probably due to all of this, and the hormones released due to rapid weight loss. It will get better, but this is a tough time -the pain under your right breast - i think you should call your surgeon's office about this one. PRobably nothing, but better safe than sorry. Hang in there.

Yes, I am scared of regain...I am scared of"disability" as I love my body, my freedom to do things, my pleasures of daily living. However, I have decided to shift gears from anxiety ridden helplessness (my history of regain) to pragmatic tactics. I don't need to be anxious or fear ridden as long as I use my accountability strategies. When I do go off course, I still love myself...and I correct my course. So far, this is a much happier way to live than fretting or obsessing over it. It's weird, we screw up lots of times in life...but weight gain seems to be the unforgivable sin to many. I choose to think differently. It is hard, partly because my friends are all skinny people and I am STILL bigger than them. I can't let my self worth be guided by that comparison.

Omg...I must be edgy because the crazy on these boards seems to be exploding.

You are not over reacting. Let me put it a different way....does it really matter if all alcoholics fall down and crush loved ones on a regular basis? Yours does, and it is unclear in m mind if you are actually a"loved one" or a person he can manipulate. I meant what I said- even if he weren't a very serious alcoholic his way of treating you is not good. Even if he quit drinking today, he doesn't sound like a good boyfriend. I know totally what you mean about not meeting someone that attracts you. I have found it difficult as many I meet are neither physically attractive nor have engaging personalities. Like you, I want a man in my life (I've done my single stint!) but I cannot emphasize enough that a boyfriend should compliment your life and add something good and special, not drag you down, treat you poorly or crush you physically. Even if all you want is "Mr. Right Now" you should still hold out for someone awesome, fun,kind, and SAFE. So I'm not overreacting that this is crazy? I mean, it's a queen size bed!!! How can he fall on me and almost crack my skull like that!! So not all alcoholics can barely walk when they drink? I've never been around one before.

The link http://BariatricPal.com/index.php?/topic/352398-I-have-no-restriction-2-1/2-weeks-out,-can-eat-normal-portions.-WHY?!

Maybe you are rushing things a bit too much. This all just happened. ..seems like a little time to adjust is in order.

So, I have been around heavy drinkers but being so messed up you FALL on your girlfriend is way way outside the normal....even for a heavy drinker. Maybe since you are in the middle of it you don't see how off the hook abnormal that is. Drinking aside the whole"butter you up" with lovey dove words but not really giving a rip about you and your life. .... CLASSIC BAD BOYFRIEND - DUMP HIS DRUNK ASS AND DON'T LOOK BACK. You know I would really like to be in a committed relationship, but I'd rather be single than be with someone who cares so little about me, my feelings and honestly even my safety. You deserve better....

@@feedyoureye Glad to hear from you! What kind of motercycle do you have? I thought about it as a fun way to travel and explore but I HATED that last Harley ride i did....

Cross dressers? You all have way better stories...cross dressers? Okc if I deleted every guy with lousy photos I'd never date again. Okay, I met a self proclaimed metro sexual. He wasn't hot like Johnny Depp (his reference point for metro sexual ) so there was no second date. Still not as interesting as the gay cowboy, cross dressers etc.

Intriguing list of disasters... for some odd reason I feel that the gay cowboy story needs more elaboration. I mean, it is 2015 - why is he dating women? oh, so many questions. I feel your pain but I have to admit, your collection of oddballs are odder than the ones I met. What I want to know is what it is about "fake" bikers that attract them to me? I am talking about the dudes with corporate jobs who had a midlife crisis, bought a big expensive harley, got big (might I add poor quality and ugly) tatoos and insist on wearing leather everywhere you go? I met one on a dating website who immediately began talking about how I should get tatooed. Theyseem to be the ,main ones who ask me out, or ask me to dance or whatever from real life encounters also. I look at my girlie girl self, no tattoos, normal ear piercings and think.. why me?

Fluctuations are normal... it is the long term trend that we need to think about! I agree with not comparing yourself to others - it is a lose-lose proposition and just isn't worth it. However, I started with a high BMI too (52!) and I felt like i needed to really hit it hard during the honeymoon phase so that I could get to a normal size/weight. I am almost 4 years post sleeve now and while I can still lose weight, it gets harder.... If you want specific advice, it would be helpful to share a few days worth of food logs and activity level. I personally do not count calories, but I eat small, I eat moderate carbs (was low carb for awhile to help me get to goal). If calories in / calories out math were that simple, I would have lost weight better before WLS. i spent YEARS counting calories (and WW points) and it really never worked well. I have come to believe there is more to it then that and have a few things that have worked for me in the last few years. We are all different - so who knows - but without specifics it is really hard to know what to suggest. Hang in there and Celebrate your successes! The mental game is at least half the battle!

While I can admire his dedication to someone he shares a bond with, I too think you should seriously consider if this relationship is meeting YOUR needs. I was in a LTR (11 years!) with a man who is very decent, and goes out of his way to help others. You know what really got me - his interest in helping a stray dog or a virtual stranger equalled or exceeded his ability to be there for me. Over time, I realized this wasn't love, this was something else. It was a very lonely situation. I still care very deeply for this man - we have been broken up for years - but I will NEVER again enter into a serious, committed relationship with someone who is out saving the world and doesn't have anything left over for me. None of us know your situation, but I think you should ask yourself if this relationship meets YOUR wants and needs.