CowgirlJane

In late Sept 2011 I finally had my failed band removed. It had been implanted for 10.5 years (March 2001) and i really grieved that failure. I was going through my "bariatric notebook" that had all my sleeve instructions and found some things i had written - sort of journaling. I dared to dream of maybe getting under 200#, I dared to dream of being able to exercise, ride better, normal clothing sizes, all that stuff. That time between the band removal and sleeve (Dec 2011) was a sad and scary time for me. I was sad about my "failure", I was so incredibly hungry, I was at a level of obesity that was a tipping point for me meaning I felt like crap! I wrote down the things I hoped would be better... and for the most part, my eventual results way exceeded those dreams. One reality check though - I noted the hip pain even then! I forgot about that because it went away after losing weight. Now, it has come back as I have bad arthritis. Anyway,I was glad that I had a complete record of my weight loss journey (in numbers including average weight loss per week etc), and at least some notes (the journal part was short) as it really really reminded me of how far I have come!

@@bellabloom someday you will find someone who appreciates the full you - I agree! I also know you feel great about yourself and your looks and there is nothing wrong with that. I think self love is very important. I also know that a big part of the online dating pool sucks. Hey, I entered into a somewhat serious beginning of a relationship last winter with someone who I am now convinced is mentally ill. My friends all thought he was da bomb and were totally taken in by his "false front" as well. It's discouraging. I am not sure if I believe in the MeyersBriggs personality thing - but i test as an ENFP. I was researching that a little bit and what struck me is people often feel that since that "type" tends to be so friendly and even flirtatious to everyone, they don't know how to trust it. It has given me alot to think about... that self confident, outgoing, empathetic, etc personality is often perceived COMPLETELY wrong in the dating world. hmmm Example, I have repeatedly had men who I did NOT want a second date with me shocked and kinda... disappointed... that I didn't want a second date. From their perspective - we really hit it off. Well, from my perspective, I was polite and friendly and all that like I am to EVERYONE. Flip side, I can also be overly business like/put up defenses. It is an artform I have perfected from my years of obesity and the way of dealing with unwanted attention too. I think this is a reason I don't meet people more naturally, organically. I am trying to practice making eye contact, smiling if I see someone that interests me. Who knows, he might be married, or not be interested in me, but a smile is hardly like I am throwing myself at him - so why not try it? Anyway, I know I have taken this a different tangent, but the point I am trying to make is that while the comments come across as a bit harsh and judgmental, I think we all need to ask ourselves what we are doing to contribute to "the problem". But yes, a lot of it is that the online dating pool is full of messed up people - one of the key reasons I am just not doing it right now.

When people are starting to research, or are recently post op, their mental/emotional state is often such that they seek a custom answer that applies to them. In other words, even if you have a beautiful search function, many people are unlikely to use it because at that very moment they are feeling very unique. the good news is that those very same people... a few months later can answer those same questions for the newest members! It seems to work. To avoid burnout, I just won't open threads about: - 3 week stall (good heavens has that topic been covered a million times or what!?) - Gas/shoulder pain immediately post op - Why I haven't lost 100 pounds in the first month ..okay, sometimes I can't help myself and try to bring a voice of reason.

I am sorry you feel criticized. I am a few years ahead of you. It is very difficult to adjust to being attractive when that is not your history. I have experienced my version of what you are talking about. It has been a huge thing - I never expected The advice people are trying to give is solid though - you need to be strong in yourself before you attract the right energy. This is more than looks - looks get you the initial interest, but doesn't get you a healthy relationship.

Before pic is obvious Pic in green top/jeans is post weight loss, no spanx or compression garments (with spanx, i looked very shapely even preplastics) The final two are post plastics. These photos were very late 40s. I started out over 300# and am 5'5" I can't speak for anyone else - but I liked how I looked in the green top (pre plastics but post goal) a heck of a lot better than the before picture. Don't fear "loose skin" - it is already streteched, losing weight didn't cause it, being obese caused it. Your health and life improve SO MUCH that excess skin is 5% problem, not the 100% problem that morbid obesity is.

I used to fly alot for business. Manchester was my alternate airport to Logan (my destination is sorta between the two). Serously Manchester was the place where I was very thoroughly searched. After 911, Logan was insane too. The other airport that was very intense was Heathrow in London. I was taken to a private room, separated from my belongings while they searched them. I didn't know why I was suddenly targeted - it even happened in Germany where I had always breezed through - lived at the time and then I realized something... I had a recent Visa for turkey. Turkey is a NATO country and one of our Allies, but, I could not help but correlate that Visa in my passport with the sudden very detailed searches. I don't resent it - I am not sure I am convinced how safe it makes us - but the TSA people are just doing their jobs that we as a nation (via our elected officials) decided they should do. Thankless and unpleasant job and I try to treat them all very respectfully and just get this dang thing over so i can get on the plane.

I kind of think Lipsticklady has a point - we often project something that attracts "something" I am older than you, but am told I am youthful looking for my age. I am not "skinny" but I am trimmer than most 50 year olds and I have some "shape" to my body so I guess i have experienced something similar. Here is my view - I have no problem with someone expressing they are attracted to me, they are relieved to find out I actually look like my pictures, and am not overweight. However, that is just one aspect of me and if they don't have anything more interesting to talk about I really don't want to see them again. In fact, in my experience, a well mannered gentleman will pay a compliment, express his interest and then move on to treating you as though you were an actual human. I happen to be attracted to a certain physical type myself but when I was dating I surely didn't limit my self to them because guess what - alot of the tall, dark, handsome, athletic, outdoorsy type guys are asshats towards women and have gotten away with it for decades due to their looks. Shiny objects lose their shine quickly once they jerk side appears and I care alot about how someone makes me feel. When I hear some of the obnoxious replies on dating sites that "ordinary looking" guys get on dating websites, it sounds like a lot of the women are asses too... it is a pool with lots of good people but plenty of people with "issues" too. I read your other post - and I suspect it is time to just take a break, think about how you are presenting yourself and then perhaps start over after a "cooling off" period and think of the type you actually want to attract.

I took down my profile etc - not currently doing the online thing. I have reflected on why i feel so jaded (or whatever) about it and I think it boils down to a couple of things. It takes me a long time to warm up to a person in the sense of feeling true attachment, stirrings of "love" etc. I am very outgoing/social so I am comfortable with people from the beginning, but I am talking about that feeling of being invested. What made sense to me was to casually date, likely more than one person at a time, slowly getting to know them until those feelings start to emerge. I think that is how it used to be done pre internet? I dunno, I spent most of my life as part of couple so surely not the expert on dating of any era. Anyway, what i have found is that most relationship oriented/seeking people want you to focus on them, "give it a chance" exclusesively. I can see their point, and I have tried that a couple of times with the typical it lasts 3-4 months results. I have talked to enough others who have been single for awhile that it is very common for them to rotate through "girlfriends" or "boyfriends" in about that time frame. Long enough the newness wears off but before either is committed to working through differences. When I tried the strategy of "just dating" I generally encountered men who were not very relationship focused and when our situation didn't turn physical right away, they tended to disappear. I think some women really get into the being "wined and dined" or the excitement of someone new. I tried to convince myself that was fun, but really it often felt like work. I have more fun going dancing, hanging with friends and family, going riding, going hiking etc. I have been asking myself if i felt the need to be charming and entertaining (not even because i wanted a second date but just because!) and that is what felt like work? More likely it is that feeling of being interviewed, observed, watched for signs of "show stoppers" - it is like the culture of online dating is REALLY FAST I NEED TO FIND OUT IF YOU ARE ACCEPTABLE. The other experience I have is the feeling like "oh good you look like your pictures, lets go!" as though there is no real interest in me as a person. I get all that, and I probably do the exact same thing, but I hate it and am tired of it. So, at least for now, i have decided I am not suited for this online thing. I now meet lots of men in real life that are interested in me (okay, I haven't met any that i am interested in, but it is a start!). I am just gonna keep doing the things in life that I do and just set this aside for now.

It is Manchester NH - they seem to me the most thorough searchers there.

I have used the mens room in places that are "one person" type restrooms... it is socially acceptable. No, what I did was accidently go into a HUGE mens room at a ski resort - it was midweek so not crowded. I was super rushed, so went into a stall to use the facilities, and started changing. I started to notice that it was very very silent. Ladies rooms tend to be "chatty" - you know, families, kids women talking to each other etc. It was silent. Dead silent. I knew. I had to leave... so gathered all my possessions and walked by the several men who had silently entered while I was in the stall.

Lets be real - age is an issue. AS a general rule, a 50 year old guy who has his act together - financially secure, fit and good looking has his pick of 35 year olds. It is how it works. Not all of them WANT that and I have certainly met men who prefer someone who is at their same stage in life. I got a phone call awhile ago from someone i casually dated quite awhile ago. He is about 5 years younger than me, but heading for early retirement, kids out of the house etc. His first career was as a professional athlete so he had a slight headstart on the financial part of retirement.... He and I dated when i was in the "learning how to date" phase newly single and relatively newly slim. He moved away, we parted on great terms etc. anyway, I hadn't talked to him in over a year when he called and he started telling me about the "younger" women he had dated since we parted. I was like - okay okay, I don't really need to hear this. He was like "no, my point is that I should have really pursued things with YOU Jane. These women are all great, but they are not in the same phase of life - I don't want little kids again, I don't want to compete with or interfere with somebody's career aspirations, etc." He said more, but the point of it is that he had lots of choices and is realizing that someone closer to retirement etc is a better fit for him. [ Side note - Recently, he came to town for a job exploration/interview recently and we had a little coffee meeting. He told me i look even better and in particular younger than he remembered me. I thought it is either my new moisturizer - ha! - or the fact that I am 8-10# heavier than last time he saw me and I think my face looks a bit fuller at this weight. I don't think he is taking the job up here, if he were I would seriously consider seeing him again.] You can't change your age, you can just be the best most genuine person you can in your age. You can change your looks, but all that gets you is the initial interest - it doesn't get you a relationship. There are alot of people in crappy, unhappy relationships - those come pretty easy, the real challenge is building a life you love whether single or coupled. I miss the intimacy (both physical and emotional) but otherwise, I am pretty good in the single life I am continually building and living and enjoying.

You click on multiquote in two or more posts, then a little button appears asking if you want to reply to both. It's funny how things come full circle. In the opening message I wrote that I'd skimmed the BP rules. No fair. I decided to try multiquote again, but, again, I don't see how I'm supposed to go on to other people's posts that I want to comment on. Maybe multiquote is something other than I expect? Will a kind person 'splain to me? I'll be nice to you forever after. That's a promise. Last winter I wrote a post about accidentally invading the mens room in real life. I changed clothes into my skiing gear before I realized it!

You can follow topics and not get emails! I deselect the email option at my profile level. I log onto the site and choose "content I follow" to see a list of topics I am following.

I can so relate to what you are saying. Honestly, I have NEVER EVER had a man say "no" or reject me - asking to dance, or whatever... and yet... that feeling remains. I hate asking, . I really hate asking, and yet I wonder why more Seattlle men don't grow a pair and ask me! I think I need to practice like your "cad dude" recommends. Seriously, the worst he can say is "no, leave me alone, you old lady..haha" I actually WANT it all - relationship and sex..apparently a tall order. You are an extroverted introvert... while I am prone to being an introverted extrovert. I am totally charged up by being around people.. the very definition of an extrovert. I am also the one that the girls send to talk to some stranger or whatever... but when it comes to me.. well... I can be kinda shy! well, not shy, but ya know... not killing it!

You go girl! This is a huge step forward! About a year ago, I came out from having a snack with my gfriend after a ride to find some dude snooping around my horse trailer in the parking lot. At first I was thinking negative thoughts... but he clearly knew something about horses so I decided to be brave like you and strike up a conversation! So, we started talking. He had a truck with a boat on a trailer and a pal that was fixing some kind of wound. The pal was hilarous - it was like remarks from the peanut gallery... he would at random yell out things like... "he's single" "he has a whole barn with no horses in it" "you are really hot" Anyway, at the end of our chat I screwed up the courage to say "I'd like to talk some more" which prompted him to ask for my phone number. We dated for about 4 months... sadly it didn't last but it was the first time that I kinda realized that I CAN DO THE CHOOSING TOO, NOT WAIT TO BE CHOSEN. I learned something big from that experience. I often ignore/avoid eye contact with men who are interested in me. Dammit, a year later and i still do that! I have a renewed committment to making eye contact and smiling at men that interest me! Guys sometimes need a little sign of encouragement.... Last summer i met some guy at a dance lesson, I was practicing my assertive yet feminine wiles and gave him my number, and my first name and like 5 months later he finds me on Facebook. I had actually written him off / forgotten about him, but he hadn't forgotten about me. Best advice from an older gfriend - don't wait to be picked, pick the good ones. It is still a foreign concept, but I am working it.

It used to be we had a combo room that sometimes got a little risque. It was one of the funnest places to post on this forum, in my opinion. However, some people didn't like it so the rules were changed and they were split. We are asked to refrain from posting (whether initiating or replying) to posts in the room of the opposite gender. The idea is that it gives a "safe" place for people to post & discuss intimate type subjects or to get input from their own gender. I can sorta see that but since these are PUBLIC FORUMS THAN ANYONE WITH WEB ACCESS CAN READ - it remains unclear to me how that is really all that "safe and private" Fine, but it is annoying as all heck to post to what looks like a very normal thread, and not "see" the designation. This is especially true from my mobile devices, but even sometimes from my computer the "men only" thing doesn't show up. So then, somebody makes a remark about it and I go back and delete my post. oh well

Awesome thread. I needed a smile this morning!

Well, I missed all of this... but I did want to respond to a comment made about someone's 51 year old mother struggling with dating. I am 51, I get very positive feedback on my looks, I have an outgoing (have even been called bubbly) personality. There is nothing shy about me at all.... but I have had a hard time finding the real deal myself. My point is that all looks and a ready smile do is get you that first date... but it is way more complicated to build a solid relationship with someone who has shared values, honesty, integrity, where there is chemistry and compatibility. I take responsibility for my contribution to the problem (have been exploring my inner resistance) but the part of it is that the online dating pool of 50something men - well - many of them have serious emotional and life issues, are seriously seriously out of shape and other attributes that do not attract me. I guess we are all a bit set in our ways and speaking for myself, are incredibly picky so you know.... It isn't easy. So, I enjoyed casually dating - and from that process actually made some friends/activity partners so that part was cool. I am tired of that, so I am taking a break for now because I want an actual relationship and so am spending time working on my internal obstacles. I am also becoming reconciled to the possibility of being single for the duration. It is by far the preferred option to being part of a bad relationship....

I was 47... I think 40s/50s are a very common age group to have this surgery! Plenty of people younger and older too.

So the old dog was put to sleep yesterday late afternoon. He was ready, he was tired, he was done. It still broke my heart and i cried all night. I feel like crap today.

No drama llama here... it was more of a simple and clear communication to my loved ones acknowledging what a huge change I was undertaking with some (but small) risks. It was more expressing how much I appreciated them etc. Of course, my sons at the time were late teens/early 20s and either lived with me or still quite reliant on me on many levels. If my kids were grown with families of their own, I probably would not have written them. The plastics were in Mexico and i didn't tell lot of people. The handful that I wrote letters to - I wanted to let them know why it was so important to me, and why I took on risks of an elective surgery, much less going to Mexico.

Well, I think I was technically cleared to ride at about 8 weeks, but I still felt vulnerable... I waited until 12 weeks. I also had a lower body lift so that was my "big" surgery.

I think a reschedule with lots of notice should NOT be a strike. I love it when they text or call appointment reminders! As I have made similar goofs in the past - the missed appointment - I can really see how that could happen! However I can also see why they lose their enthusiasm toward a patient who isnt knocking down the doors to get this done. Those long initial appointments are so important and and you really can't short change them. They are also a big time block involving multiple people that is now not billable to insurance - they are running a business after all. My conclusion is that they are overly harsh but also have a point - are you "all in"? Find a new COE - fresh start, no baggage.

160.1# this morning so stayed same as last week. Still gonna make 158 by Halloween and ideally 150 by new year...we shall see!

Okay, life has been pretty weird lately. Do you ever go through phases where everything you touch just turns to crap? Well... last few days have been like that. Not one single thing was disasterous, but it was like a series of unfortunate events - ha! Really kinda got me down for a bit there. Seriously This is a partial list of the crap that has happened to me in the last 1-2 days: -vacuum stopped sucking -internet started sucking - damn brand new router just restarted itself at random and with some frequency (I work from home and really need reliable internet!) -Vet called in wrong scrip for my ancient dog (end of life pallitive care) and I had to beg pharmasist to give us enough pills for a few days until we could get scrip. -Had to wait forever for said pharmacist -Old dog couldn't get up Monday morning - I had to lift him so he could stand to go potty... poor old man, it breaks my heart! - and the worst... I sold my beautiful beautiful young horse to a new owner because I have had some health problems that prevent me from giving her what she needs. (like alot of blonde bombshells, she is high maintenance). I actually hired a trusted trainer to sell her and screen the buyer so she went to a home where her talents would be appreciated and her negatives would be managed... I disclosed EVERYTHING about this horse. The buyer turned out to be evil, and not even 2 weeks later is reselling her for way more money and the ad is packed full of lies. She is saying this horse is beginner safe and she is NOT. I am sick about it, what if someone is hurt? What if my beautiful horse is hurt? Anyway... here is the point of my post. I didn't turn to food even though I felt pretty frustrated and sad and even angry. Especially about my horse.