CowgirlJane

I suspect that some of us didn't learn good coping skills to deal with life's stressors because we had food and the accompanying fatsuit to soothe, numb and shield us. I suspect what you are going through is TEMPORARY but if it continues to be a problem, there are many who have found great benefit from counseling during the weight loss phase to help them learn relaxation and other coping skills instead of relying on food and the protection of the fatsuit. I mention this because i did pretty well with the "food deprivation" post surgery, the hormone release etc but my anxiety was triggered when I got close to goal. I recall something similiar happened when I became slim in my 20s, only I had no support and no understanding of the problem so the only solution i had was to regain weight - which I did quite quickly I might add! One of the key things I have had to learn is to be "okay" with feeling things. I don't tend to spew them at other people, but rather internalize them which is very emotionally uncomfortable. The counselor has been right - the intensity of my emotions were unfamiliar and overwhelming - like a lot of pent up had to be dealt with. Exercise, relaxation and just accepting that sometimes I feel mad/sad/overwhelmed/tired and that food and fat don't really fix, just bury those things. It's taken awhile, but I am doing pretty good!

While I happen to agree with the anti cheating sentiments most others expressed, I also think the OP does too. Or else why would she bring it up as a problem? The way I read this, she doesn't like how she behaved toward her husband - but that is ended/ending; she finds a new relationship and is repeating the pattern. Once again, the way it was written was not clear, but I think she was asking if others have found themselves behaving "badly" after losing alot of weight. I am a believer that obesity often shields us from very complex emotions. Not overeating, obesity itself. Example - It is well known that many obese women have a history of sexual abuse (not saying this applies to OP, just the topic itself) and the fatsuit protects from outsiders, as well as from our own internal shame/desire type motives. It is also well known that sexual abuse of children can create emotional and behavioral and even personality disorder issues later in life. When people lose alot of weight - hidden demons so to speak can emerge. If you thought you worked this stuff out as a youth, you might be surprised that underlying emotional issues rise out of the victory of the weight loss. I know someone who went from a seemingly normal work colleague, wife, mother etc to dying in her sleep, after having left her family, due to organ failure post gastric bypass/massive weight loss. She had become a very very serious alcoholic (and other very very high risk behavior, lost her job etc etc) and as a type 1 diabetic, her organs gave out faster than most. We can say what people "should and shouldn't do" but truth is they might be really struggling. Being bashed here just adds to the general feeling that the world is not a safe place for them. Personally, I think (going back to OP) it is way too soon for her to even know WHAT she seeks. Maybe a poly lifestyle is a good choice, but a person needs to be pretty internally stable, pretty self aware, pretty centered to take on alot of that kind of stuff - in my opinion. Goes back to what is it you really want and is the current behavior getting you there? I bet there are alot of people on this forum that could ask themselves that question - not necessarily about sexuality, but about how they are living their lives. I realize that not everyone who has WLS has so much buried deep and maybe don't relate that well to the huge emotional turmoil but doesn't mean it isn't real. For me, it was anxiety that came up - not when I experienced "eating less" but it showed up when I got to a normal size - who knew???. It has been quite a journey to come to grips with it and to understand that it has always been there. I think that facing those sorts of things help us prevent regain because I gotta tell you, sometimes the inner self asks the question "weren't you happier when you were comfortably numb????" well, no I wasn't, but it is a valid question. I should probably start a separate thread before I go to much deeper on this topic.

I didn't purge anything until it got too big and then I gave it away.

One of my sisters and her daughter staged an intervention. They are both overweight (my niece is very obese) and weren't used to seeing me thin. I knew it was intended with love, so I shared my height weight and the healthy weight ranges and they were both like "oh, you look at least 20# lighter than that, never mind" I think as the person changing we have to be braced a little for reactions from coworkers, family and friends. Now that I have been at goal for awhile, nobody remembers what I used to look like,so it is a temporary problem.

hair loss that begins a year after surgery(or later) is caused by nutrient issues or some other condition, not the normal side effect of surgery. Have you had blood work? I have had weight gains and losses that don't make sense but I think if you journal your food, for at least a month it will help you pinpoint the problem.

I was going to mention that the meds often have a ramp up period. Did they advise you of that? I am not expert on this, but mood drugs are complicated in that you normally dose up over time and it may take a few tries to get it right. Don't panic, talk to the doc who prescribed to understand the adjustment period.

Yes the story changed but lets be honest she got a couple of pretty harsh replies. I couldn't really tell that she ever had a question, I think she was seeking "recognition" - like is this outrageous experience is something others have gone through??? It wasn't clear to me originally but that is how my understanding evolved. I am not speaking on behalf of the OP, but for myself....I went through a time when I struggled much with how I self identified as an attractive woman after decades of being essentially "a-sexual" due to my obesity. Perhaps it was just luck that I found a less risky path (and I wasn't married/relationship ended by then) but the emotional experience she brought up is something that many will face.

When I was recovering from surgery I was scouring craigslist for some stuff related to my home remodel. Cool. Well, I somehow stumbled into the personals "missed connections" In my pain pill induced stupor I had this romantic vision of eyes meeting across the train platform but before the fated lovers can speak, or exchange phone numbers, she is wisked away... and true love is missed. Well, not really, but it sounded like a fun romantic thought. So, the other day I went by a local business to pick up an growler beer order "to go" (for my sons to try a microbrew I really liked and wanted to share with them) the place they have you wait is like on display for EVERYBODY to look at you and being it was a brewery it was like 90% men in there. So, a nice looking man, probably 10 years younger than me, but who knows, was looking pretty intently in my direction. We exchanged glances, but for all i knew, he was waiting for someone to walk in the door as he was pretty focused looking. Even so, I decide on whim to put up a missed connections ad. My description of myself/time of day was detailed enough, that if you had seen me, you would know it but I didn't put my age or home town location or anything like that. My description of him was a little vaguer but still.... hair color, general build, color of clothing. I kinda said something like, i am single, if you are, let's have a beer together. I put that ad up an hour ago and I have 2 replies already. So, either I have discovered that #1 missed connections is just a pool of crazies and not my romantic notions OR #2 maybe there were 2 guys sitting there thinking they would like to say hello. I am leaning toward theory #1. The one that sent his picture though - I am pretty sure that was him but the baseball cap is throwing me off a little. Damn, now what do I do? HA! Why do I get caught up in these ideas of romantic intrigue? If nothing else, it maybe tells me I need to be a lot friendlier in person and maybe some one in real life will actually ask me on a date so I never have to log into a dating site again!

Ok, I hope you find this a funny story. I had lost over 150#, late 40s, yes... I'd had kiddos too. My excess tummy skin was pretty bad although I was good at disguising it with spanx. I remember once about fainting when i saw myself in the mirror at the gym doing planks. The hanging tummy from that angle was freakish. So, I find myself single. I had been intimacy deprived for a very very long time but decided to brave the dating world - well lets be honest, I was more interested in finding a play mate at that point. I somehow discovered a tall dark, handsome guy, athletic who has never been an ounce overweight in his life.... So, i told him all about how horrible it was... you know... it was like I couldn't stand the idea of him being aghast at my appearance in an intimate moment so i had to make sure he knew it was really bad in advance. So, besides warning him to the hilt, I was ready when it was time to be intimate - I had these stockings (to hide the thigh skin), a strategic sexy intimate clothing (to hide the belly skin) - figured there was nothing I could do about the arms.. So, as the passion gets going he disrobes me with an alarming speed and I felt like all my hiding was just GONE. I felt more nekkid than I had ever felt in my whole life... Then he said - "I can't believe you made such a big deal out of all this - you are a hot woman!" You can imagine why that friendship lasted awhile and I learned alot from it. Love aside, it seems like once a man decides you are attractive, they tend to see the details that support that vision, rather than the details that detract from it. It is quite opposite from the way women think/see things. I have tried repeatedly to convince my skinny minny galpals that there minor imperfections are only visible to themselves and certainly NOT to a man who is a attracted to them. I am not trying to discount your concerns, but I had a personal experience that helped change my world view. So, while i was still seeing this lover, I had plastics. He was against it, didnt think I needed it etc etc - but once i did it.. he was really into the results. So, post plastics you have the whole scar issue. They didn't bother him and they didn't bother me either but I recognized that they could be an issue. When we parted ways he told me - don't mention em, no guy will notice. Dang if he wasn't right - but I do mention them because I am looking for a real relationship and I want to disclose "big stuff". I always make sure I go sleeveless when we first meet so they can see my arm scars (which are super faint) but 100% of the time - my date does not notice those arm scars.

I have empathy for those that "don't get it". I was one of them and it was pretty effing hurtful to be told repeatedly that I would be content on petite portions and when I didn't do that great, after much (tho misguided ) effort to be told I failed due to "patient non compliance". Since I really get it NOW I do understand the frustration but there is another side to the story.

Thank you both for your replies. I guess I was being a little tongue in cheek asking for advice.... i thought it was an impuslive this for me to post this but i don't believe that prince charming was sitting there waiting for me to pick up a growler.... i just have had this romantic notion about "missed encounters"

I think if you look at this objectively, you are creating scenarios that are less likely than getting run over in your parking lot at work. Seriously you are driving yourself nuts with things that just arent real problems. Very few sleevers dump and it is caused by eating certain foods. You say you have been eating successfully so how about trying a new food at home before at work? Follow your plan, eat slowly, chew well and you should be just fine. Look both ways before crossing the parking lot. I was reading about the dumping that may happen and some people pass out And ive only threw up once.

A friend is a dietician for a bariatric program - she sees patients while in hospital. Anyway she is convinced half her patients don't fully understand the instructions. She and I have different theories as to "why" but it seems to be a common problem.

As band veteran ..and now a sleeve veteran I think that the band is in some ways "harder to get just right". There are plenty of success stories but there are plenty of us who wound up revising because we never got the hunger reduction and "just right " fill level. You might check out the band to sleeve revision forum (or band to bypass) to share experiences with people who can related.

I guess I was thinking that your typical urgent care/ER doesn't necessarily specialize in the nuances of WLS, chronic reflux etc. Seems like getting a good diagnosis would be more likely if being done methodically by a specialist. Hope you are feeling better. My drain comes out tomorrow - woo hoo! I am doing pretty good all things considered...

Well, I think these forums demonstrate that not everyone is provided appropriate guidance and education. When I was banded, I did not receive appropriate instructions at all.... I was simply told that i would "only want petite portions". That was the extent of my nutritional counseling and education from the surgeon. I do not think carbs are evil, and healthy carbs are required for good health, but alot of us professional dieters were terribly misinformed during the "low fat" era of the medical community into thinking that rice, Pasta, bagels, cereal - all these relatively low fat foods - were a good healthy choice. Maybe they are for some, but if you are prone to insulin resistance, those foods are absolutely killer in that they trigger appetite and for every stinking calorie to turn to fat! It took me a long time to shift my mindset - I thought the low carb stuff was a bogus craze but I have a much better understanding now of what MY body needs.

Why would eating something make you pass out? It is difficult to transition to solid food, but if you are careful, eat slowly, chew well and don't push it - well most of us don't throw up. Has this been a problem?

What I was referring to is that some people - and I suspect more women then men - seem to do this online dating thing for an ego boost. They chat up a lot of people (that they never meet) and then when they do actually meet, are very hesitant to pursue a second date. I know of a woman who had several "coffee dates" per day... seriously, how can you even decide how you feel about a person with those kind of volumes? On the one hand, it is good sense to be selective, but on the other hand if your main motivation is to feel like people are intersted in you, rather than actually dating/starting a relationship it kinda sucks for the other person who is actually seeking someone. At some point I realized I had fallen into this - I don't really want to meet anyone because I am burned out on it - mindset so I STOPPED.

@@globetrotter I hope you are better. Any answers yet? You've mentioned your acid is bad, have you been to a specialist for that? Keep us posted.

I am shocked you are permitted coffee immediately post op which makes me dubious of the rest. Clarify and question. Isn't the normal progression clear, then full liquids, then soft mushy food, then start introducing softer solids before going all foods? I know there is variation between surgeons but coffee and soft solids like cottage cheese immediately does not seem typical.

You look great!

I don't know but these activity restrictions are impossible when you own horses, dogs and a fat cat. I just had an implant removed and was told I had no activity restrictions. 3 days post op I did some much needed farm chores, had problems...called surgeon's office and they sre like "you can't do that much yet" So apparently no restriction meant I could work the remote and load the dishwasher...they have no idea!

online dating... have low expectations and you won't be disappointed. It is a mysterious world where people do things I doubt they would do in any other setting. She might get back to you, she might be doing the 100 first dates thing - who knows. Don't take it personally and I wouldn't put all my eggs in that basket, so to speak.

I think that evidence is showing that the very conservative food progression that was standard a few years ago, might be overkill. Even so, I cannot imagine eating those foods so early. My stomach was pretty weirded out those early weeks and I would be afraid of not "feeling" things right. When I did finally get to solid foods, i felt like I was having to learn to eat again. I don't know the right path, but I am glad for the path I followed. I had minimal vomiting (happened several months post op from wolfing food too fast!), no sliming or whatever people describe and I think my slow and cautiious progression helped with that.

Thank you Babbs, but that thread/conversation clarified in my mind the value I do add here. It is NOT getting involved in high drama/emotional issues/people in crisis whether in threads or private messages. I am not burned out on the million repeat questions (I tend to skip em) but I really questioned relevance about the 5th time I got some animosity spewed in my general direction when I was intending to help. I figured out that I can't actually help people that are in a full blown emotional crisis and the price I pay trying is too much. A post like this one though is actually stating the obvious, but packaged in a way that hopefully gives people something to think about. When I look back, i think of several people who had very very very similar experiences as mine, some kind of physical breakdown often triggering regain. At some point I realized I had become one of them - someone who felt so good, so powerful and strong that I didn't respect quite enough the damage that had already been done. I listened and learned from those other people's shared experiences and while I am sad that i am not the buff, lean, defined arms chick I was a year or two ago - I am maintaining and ain't half bad for a middle aged lady.