CowgirlJane

Okay, a follow up crazy ass story. When I decided to try again recently I emailed a couple of prospects on a dating site (I keep a hidden profile so I don't have to deal with the nutty guys, or so I thought!). Anyway, one of the guys I emailed and planned to have an initial meet and greet started sending me CRAZY emails. We hadn't even met yet and he accused me of being a player, cheating on him etc. I thought maybe it was a joke, or maybe the message was intended for someone else. Nope. He was "stalking" when I logged onto the dating website. I would respond to messages etc and so was logging in once a day and apparently that was not acceptable to him. THANK GOODNESS his crazy came out before we met. I blocked him but it SHOOK ME UP.

Thanks for reviving this thread from the dead @bikrchk So, the man I was dating at the time i responded to this is now in my history file of ...one more mistake. Do disappointing. We mutually agreed to end it because we didn't really fall in love. On my side, I found him to be constantly, but subtly critical. I tried to influence it but at some point I realized that I would always feel critized by him - I experienced that on I think our 3rd date (we went dancing and I wasn't doing it right). I should have ended it then, because how a person makes you "feel" is really key. He is also a heavy drinker and it influenced me - I found myself drinking more than I should and gaining a few pounds. He dreamed of being active (talked a good talk) but in reality wasn't physically capable of keeping up with me so it made me sad ... alot of our time together was just sitting on our butts. It made me sad to end it but even sadder to visualize my life with him had we stayed together... I took a couple months off after that ended and I decided to start up again but a whole new angle about a week ago. I hit it off with someone on a glass of wine and dinner date last week Friday. Normally, it seems that would follow up with another "going out" type thing but I have come to recognize that is not real world. You don't really get to know a person sitting around talking at happy hour - it is all superficial. This man seemed pretty smitten with me, he is super outdoorsy (more than me even!), he is smart, well spoken, world traveler and normal and I figure... I am 50 now - I have zero reason to waste time with what other people think dating should be... so I invited him to go horseback riding on Saturday! He was shocked, wowed, excited and game to do it! We had a fabulous ride, and he went up about 100 points in my estimation. He is not an expert rider, but he "Gets" animals and my lifestyle and seems to genuinely like it and respect it as my hobby. (He didn't ask the question I always get "aren't horses too expensive?" - I have a policy any dude asks that on a first date and there is no second...haha). We had a late lunch, went for a walk, did a tasting at a local distillery... and watched a movie. During all that, he met a couple of my friends and a few aquaintances. I feel so brave for letting someone new into my world like that, but I am just so tired of thinking I met someone cool only to find that we really aren't compatible once we exit the coffee shop or restaurant. He is being brave by talking about an aspect of his life that is a real issue for many women. This guy is an AVID hunter. It is a lifestyle, a family thing - his mom is in her 70s and still goes after elk and all that! The lifestyle aspect is using all the game and waterfowl and fish as food sources, habitat restoration as volunteer work etc etc. It is a complete lifestyle (outside of his high tech job) - and one that doesn't exactly match mine. However, as I thought about it, I can totally live with this.I don't want to go hunting, but I like a man with a passion and I like his ethics around this topic so I think we could be compatible. Besides, he won't mind as much me being gone for 8 hours on a horse related adventure if he is busy hunting and cooking it. I am complex in some ways and perhaps being with someone that has their own, compatible version of "complex" works for me. Only time will tell, but I am going all in this time - really early on doing activities together that will make compatibly much more clear. And he is doing the same. Talk about exposing yourself, one of our next dates is for me to visit him at work - he is a high ranking guy at a prominent company but he wants me to meet his team since he mentored most of them and is very close to them. Wow... that's brave and tells me that he thinks I am worth the risk - and I feel the same about him. I promise myself if I am uncomfortable early that I will listen alot closer to my gut and end it sooner. I can't fathom being in a permanent relationship with someone who I felt constantly criticized me (whether he did or not is besides the point, the man I dated last fall made me feel that way). Yes, dating sucks, but maybe 1 is out there that doesn't suck and it is worth the gamble. In the meantime, I am having a hoot of a time being single, going dancing, hanging with gal pals and driving my own freaking remote control.

Plain and simple - FEAR I had the lapband and failed. I felt the sense of failure with the band and with all previous attempts (I could lose alot of weight, but never get to a normal size, and always regain it) like a weight on my shoulders. Like evidence of how weak/awful/damaged I must be. The thing that shifted my view about this was hearing from a woman who ran a non surgical weight loss program that i wanted to try. She explained to me the metabolic disease of obesity and why I had been trying to canoe upstream without a working paddle. She told me I needed the sleeve or bypass - i would not succeed in her 2 year lifestyle program because my obesity disease was just too advanced. Then she said something magical "I know you will succeed with the sleeve, beyond your wildest dreams because in spite of everything - you never give up" that was a completely different ways to see my failures. Everytime I failed, I tried again. Like running into a brick wall, but I kept trying. All that "try" paid off big time with the sleeve. So, sometimes, seeing things through a different viewpoint can really be a positive thing. Now, 3 years post op, maintaining a normal body weight for the last 2 years - for the first time EVER, I mean I was chubby as a baby/toddler/preschooler and was obese by 1st grade - so truly first time EVER. (I got slim when I was in my 20s but only maintained for about 2 weeks, seriously) Can you imagine reaching your late 40s and finally having this dream come true? It is possible.

It is sad. I mourned the "ruining" of my body caused by obesity. I grieved it for awhile, but then I had a few epiphanies. I have a skinny minny, itty bitty girfriend (has never weighed over 100#) and she had to have knee replacement at 47. I am 50, i have a bum knee from being obese... well, clearly there are lots of causes of knee problems. I still have some joint pain, but oesteoarthritis runs in my family and there is a genetic component. My other co-morbidities DISAPPEARED when the fat does, so that is the good news. Be positive, think about how much you are improving your own health by losing weight. I no longer have sleep apnea, my blood pressure is excellent, my blood sugar is incredible, my cholesterol is off the hook great. My resting heart rate is 59 - considered very fit for a 50 year old woman. BTW, due to a system glitch, your message posted about 12 times. I tried to delete the duplicates, not sure I found them all though!

Get to goal, and get consults. People tell you that body wraps, lotions and voodoo dolls will shrink skin, but the truth of the matter, is if you have alot of skin it won't "snap back" because it is stetched beyond it's healthy point. When I was 22 I lost about 70# and could wear a bikini without cosmetic surgery. That was then, this is now... after losing 160+ from sleeve (more like 185 from lifetime high) and being middle aged - I needed skin removal and reconstruction to get rid of the skin. It is still better to be fit and have skin then to have that skin stuffed with fat!

You don't owe anyone an explanation - do what is comfortable for you. Who cares what they think? And here is the thing, most people are very self centered... they may talk or whatever while you are losing weight fast, but don't add to the drama and they will forget. I have been at goal 2 years, and lots of people seem to scarcely remember i was so obese. I showed my own sons my "before pictures" and they both told me that they don't remember I was that big. They were shocked and sad to see those photos. My point - in time, this all just goes away... My main advice though is to recognize that the motivation, and support and everything PRIMARILY comes from within. That is very hard when you have a lifetime of "failures" and it is embarrasing. Well, i felt that way anyway. By the time I was sleeved, there was no pride involved.. I was DYING from obesity so all that silliness just didn't matter anymore.

3 years out... I CAN eat any fruit, but as a practical matter, I only eat berries on a regular basis. Most fruits are quite sugary and high carb and take up too much room. Berries make a good snacky food - like popping blueberries takes up some of that "snack desire" Anyway, my opinion, I don't see any reason to try to "push" and consume all those fruits early out. If you get tummy aches, diarrea etc. why push it? You have the whole rest of your life to intro those sugary foods.

You are in a tough period of time, adjusting to eating regular foods. I am guessing your hunger/feelings of overeating are related to thirst or a bit of acid - both very normal at your stage. Both thirst and acid "feel" like hunger. I had to switch to herbal teas. At the stage you were at, Water tasted weird and hurt my tummy. The crystal lite and other stuff gave me diarrea due to the fake sweeteners, so plain herbal teas with a bit of Stevia saved me. I learned this from my brother was going through a caffiene free trick and I had some at his house. Hydration should be top priority. If you can consume 900 calories a day, you should have no problems meeting Protein targets.. right? But, if you are eating alot of dense protein you will feel really full. So, I suggest you step away from the guilt, step away from the shoulds, and just start following your plan. I know that sounds like stupid advice, but that is how we do it... one meal, one day at a time. I love exercise, it has helped me become the physical and mental person I am today, but I gotta tell you as it relates to weight mgt, food consumption is way more important... so rather than seeking perfection in all, how about doing "pretty good" on the food part and getting stable on that. Do you need ideas/specifics on meals for the stage you are at? You can do this girl - it is really really hard to change your brain - but you can and will be successful!

Some of what has been said here confuses me. Sleeve is well known to increase risk of GERD, it's probably the biggest side effect risk. But like all risks not everybody gets the bad outcome. I decided my reflux was caused by the lapband and it was worth risking. I do not have major problems either but it can show up years post op. Here is a summary of research: http://www.medpagetoday.com/Endocrinology/Obesity/44160

Scars are not the issue with most men. Some of us have them from skin removal surgery and I haven't heard of a lover really rejecting someone over the scars. You mentioned you have always been trim, so what brings you to bariatric pal?

I agree - well said, but I feel this paragraph could have been much stronger. Reason I say that is when you look at the evidence, bariatric patients as a population do a better job at maintaining their weight loss than other methods. This isn't just an "acceptable" approach, it statistically is the best approach. Second, your comments on the show seem to imply weight loss surgery does not work. While there are patients who do not respond to surgery, and complications are always a threat, the scientific literature overwhelmingly agrees that weight loss surgery is a viable option for the treatment of morbid obesity. I also think that a discussion about obesity as a "disease process" would be very fruitful. It really helps to understand how once you are obese it is just so hard to break free without help from a tool like the surgery.

I know everyone will gasp in horror... but there are surgeons who don't even do leak tests anymore. Here is reason - there is swelling and so if there is a leak it is not too likely to be found until the swelling goes down. All my years of reading these forums, every person who has a leak always discovers it later, I can't think of a single time it showed up during the leak test done the next day. My surgeon said they used to do them while you were still under, but they NEVER found leaks that way and so they decided that keeping a super morbidly obese person under for longer wasn't worth it - no clear benefit.

I experienced feeling... weird, not myself, sort of disconnected from my reality for probably the first 10-12 weeks post op. I don't know why I went through that and I am not sure it is a common experience. Part of it was that everything tasted weird.. even Water. It is a strange experience for such a basic "sense" to be altered and I found it disorienting. I was also getting slammed with estrogen as the fat was melting away and releasing the very generous stored quantities. I went through menopause presleeve, but didn't experience any symptoms until I became slender. Weird. Turns out my fat functioned almost like another organ in my body - who knew. It was temporary and not a problem over the long run, but it made me feel a little worried about living with the sleeve permanently - wondered if I was gonna feel like a stranger in a strange land my whole life. Nope - I am good now!...nah, I am GREAT now!

Does not make sense that rice would cause intestinal blockage. What I think it is it takes up too much room for the nutritional value. BTW, for the 10 years with a lapband, a spoonful of rice would make me vomit, even when I had no Fluid. Never had a problem with sleeve - I simply choose to minimize it for carb reasons. I am unclear how far out you are, but just slowly, gently start adding veggies. Cooked ones are easier to digest so that might be a good place to start. My main dietary focus was during weight loss phase, and remains even now - Protein and veggies... with anything else AFTER that.

It gets better! I am 3 years out and I FEEL and LOOK wonderful - best of my life. Hang in there.

I don't think you are ready. WLS will still be here - this is not a limited time offer. If you do decide to proceed, you don't "have" to get to 120 - you are in the drivers seat here. I was "healthy fat" until I wasn't and then my body started falling apart on me, but I was mid 40s by that time. I hated being fat and I LIKE being trim/fit but it took me becoming partially disabled by my obesity to be ready to committ to this. This is a big freaking deal and I can't fathom doing it without being "all in" Oh, I can eat any and all foods, I don't vomit, slime or any of that. Unless a person has a complication, those are very much behaviorally controlled by the way you eat. At 3 years out, most people don't even know I had WLS because I eat petite portions of all types of food, like other thin middle aged women do.

Think about it this way. You are not going on a diet, you are embarking on an amazing opportunity to change your life, improve your health, live the life of your dreams. For many of us, that includes the sheer joy of being ABLE to do things others take for granted (fit in airplane seats, ride a roller coaster, hike up a mountain, gallop a horse..whatever). It doesn't happen overnight, but why NOT take the first steps right now (pun intended) and increase activity? It may not help you lose weight, it may not help you heal faster but it WILL make you healthier, stronger, fitter and ready to take on the world... and so why not just start now?

Did you have sleeve or bypass...you mention both. Are you eating protein first?

Steve that is sweet of you to say. Not all men are like that of course and there are toxic women too. I think the deal is tha women are more likely to be socialized to accept abuse as a lousy substitute for love. Do the world a favor and raise daughters and sons to know the difference.

Miss Mac, that is absolutely terrible and I so appreciate you share your story. If one woman makes a decision to have a healthy relationship over an abusive one as a result... you have changed the world, for her, her kids, her loved ones.

I caution everyone to be careful about judging a whole relationship from a single post. I do think there is alot to think about though because that cycle of abuse BS is absolutely true and everyone in a relationship should be quite aware of if the person they love deserves it. That's how they manipulate you! But of course, who knows if this applies to the original poster. When I had plastics (you wanna talk about drains and incisions!!!) I was dating someone - I guess we were about 6 months into it and he tried to talk me out of doing it. It was the "you don't need it", all middle age women have some extra skin, etc etc, but i was doing it for me, not for anyone else and he knew I was committed. About 6 weeks before my plastics, he became very encouraging, positive. He would say things like "you look like a million bucks now, after your surgery you are gonna look like a billion!" Basically, he wanted me to be happy and do what I felt I wanted even if he didn't agree. He also told me that he was easily "freaked out" by medical stuff so I never let him see the drains. He did of course see the scars and... and he was fine with it. I dated him for quite awhile even after that and the only time he brought the scars up was to just mention that he didn't even see them and just thought I look amazing. I did ask him once... many months post plastics if he thought it was worth it. And he was like "oh ya, I had no idea it could turn out so good - you just look incredible" See, that is supportive. My drains and the nasty business of surgery was something I chose to not share with him, but then again, we were not married or living together so a different situation.

Your surgeon doesn't recommend/supply them?

Denise, try googling "best comedies on Netflix streaming" There are websites that keep top 25 lists for different types of shows - it's where I get ideas of shows to try. I would have never seen "witching and bitching" without reading it on a list (Spanish made comedy about incompetent bank robbers, war of the sexes, child custody battle, witches coven, police officers that fall in love - this movie has all the ridiculous elements) I suspect my tastes run a bit dark (dark comedies for example) but I will post some ideas later. I like documentaries alot, just watched on old one about mount st Helens that was incredible. Another beautiful day...going riding again. Yesterday my mare was very very naughty....

I would try upping fluids. 64 ounces might not be enough for you. Presleeve we consumed so much more volume we got Fluid even in some food and lots of drinking. I think rapid weight loss can cause chemical and hormone changes and whatever is stored in that fat. I think Water helps us flush toxins and I wonder if you don't need more. Btw, I used to get hunger headaches but post sleeve I never do. My experience-it's more likely to be mild, chronic dehydration.

I am sure by now you are in recovery mode. For some people the early weeks are hard....don't let it get you down, focus on hydration...it gets easier.