Chimera

Isnt it funny how insight can strike when you least expect it - I was cleaning the cat boxes and realizations, or words I guess started to flood. I wont go into gory detail - but I had a horrific childhood, filled with terrifying violence and sexual abuse from my alcoholic step-dad (he died from cirrhosis long ago.) I have done a lot of time on the couch, and on meds and am good. I usually keep it to myself, but it is also not a secret with those closest to me. I guess I feel like I am starting to wake up - 50 this year. Feels like I am just opening my eyes - I too must be getting into some of the serious stuff. This just poured out in the last 30 minutes - I apologize if this feels triggering to anyone. "Always living with a vague expectation that enlightenment and a healing of the old, old wounds would strike one day like a bolt of lightening - or maybe gently like awaking from some bad dream. The longer I am alive I am coming to understand that this probably isn't going to happen. That everyday we fight, some days we gain ground - some days we lose it - a little on some days, some days a lot. It is little victories over time - each adding up. All the years of therapy, self-help, support groups...its one moment at a time - over time. Years of hiding in pain, burying yourself under blankets, under hundreds of lbs of unburned calories, behind the walls and doors of your home - seeking solace in your surroundings- being made fun of for being different by the people you trust the most. again, and again, and again. Just be numb Just don't look maybe then it wont be true what is real and what happened will cease to be so Learning to not turn away - not to hide is hard work. Bravery is not for sissies. What is courage? Why so much fear of what happened lifetimes ago? What you put up with from others How poorly you treated yourself for so long. This is like learning to see to speak to walk to feel for the first time maybe. Is that old me true? Is that still me? What am I? Who am I? I looked at a snapshot of the August 2009 Goddard residency and I can finally see how malignant my despair and mistreatment of myself is - in my weight - the symptom that becomes the focus and the problem. A heavy horse collar of shame - its like being imprisoned in the stocks - immobile, every step pain, every glance from others cruel - like being flayed alive every moment of every day. Maybe if I am lucky this fire of shame will burn me right to ash. Deep, deep sadness and hopelessness Try so hard to change - and it never seems to stick - I cant win. I could never win. I am doing the same thing to myself now with my belief in my abilities as a teacher and an artist - hardly a day passes that I am not wracked with fear, doubt, and the battle against my own weaknesses. Here you are again, more exposed even now. No matter how hard you wish you had that magic lamp that would take away the anxiety, the panic, the terror you feel everyday at just breathing - there is no such thing. It is part of you it IS you Where is my strength? Do I even have any? The only respite will come from within yourself - for yourself. How the f**k do I fix the broken stuff I weep now at even being able to access these feelings. Fraught Frightening Breathe Dig the knives out of the back and stand up straight. Look it right in the f**king eye step forward step up Let go"

Denise thank you, and thank Bill for the sweet note regarding the CPAP Florinda I hope you are hanging in there - that goes for everyone else as well.

I can totally understand how you feel Sheryl - and agree with Georgia that through this process we have significantly changed our lives and health for the better! My health was going downhill fast - I smoked 2 packs of cigs a day for 28+ years and quit for good at the start of this journey. I'll take this opportunity to blab about myself a bit lol. While my hubby sailed through his sleeve surgery with no complications - and was out running while mowing the lawn 4 days post surgery - I had some pretty sever complications that required multiple blood transfusions and a week in the hospital - only to arrive home and have to go back to the ER because an incision site opened up and I guess I had what seemed like gallons of blood in a 'void' in my abdominal area - whatever the heck that means. Two weeks after surgery my left knee completely blew out - it was agony. I have had lateral ligament reconstruction on the right side to rebuild a destroyed ankle and my ortho thinks that decades of super morbid obesity and shifting weight to favor one side basically ate up the left side too - The MRI showed bone on bone. Years of 300+ on 5' 3 " of person is pretty rough for my poor old body to handle. I can totally commiserate with orthopedic/arthritis issues - it very bothersome. I get crabby that I still am not at goal - but I will get there darn it! My measurements are good - cept that my stupid extra skin accounts for 6-7 inches more in the waist area on most clothing size charts - Ah well - perhaps someday I too will get this little floppy flat tire removed - until then I am great with the skinny jeans - slouchy top - a look I enjoy and is also comfortable. I still cant really see myself - but its getting better. Feeling prettier, taking much more effort with my appearance, learning to treat myself better. I am just so relieved to feel good, to not wake up in pain, to be able to walk down the street without sweating and breathing hard, to look people in the eye on the street and not be afraid of the judgment. I guess this process will always be unfolding - and I think we all are in a very unique position. No I will never have the body or youth of a model, and that is okay. I have really messed up my body in so many ways that cannot be undone. Considering where I was 2 years ago, and where I am today - and my hubby as well - we are literally, completely different people. We are unrecognizable to people who knew us well - and so are you guys If we didn't change ASAP - we would both find an early grave I am sorry you are feeling down. Though it brings to mind one of my favorite quotes. "If I could but step outside myself and contemplate the person that I truly am, I would at once know what envy is." Hang in there, things will feel better soon.

I am glad the machine arrived safely - and sorry that you are both not sleeping soundly just yet. I know my sleep docs told me that masks, filters, hoses, etc need to be replaced every six months - that new mask style that was in the case was a bit small on my head so I am sure it is for Bill as well. Sheryl is right - you should be able to order supplies online with no problem, but he should probably have another sleep study - that way he can bring that machine with and they can calibrate it for him so he has the correct pressure.

Florinda - don't feel bad! I was doing so well when my hubby was off on his 'alpine tour' skiing trip with friends - he arrives back home with chips and candy bah! I was just about to reclaim my ticker weight and I have popped back up by 4 lbs - it has to be bloat/water. I was careful but man, one or two Hershey kisses and I am right back on that sugar train - wishing for more of it. Denise I am off to the post office - I will PM you with the PSPS tracking number when I have it. Hang in there gang - with so much rough stuff in life, remembering blessings can be quite a challenge - I know it is for me.

I believe this is the model I have: http://www.resmed.com/us/en/consumer/support/devices/s9-autoset-with-h5i.html Yeesh I just looked at the cost - man they really jack up the price when insurance is handling stuff don't they - by thousands of dollars!

Happy Belated Birthday Cathy - hope you had a great day! I need to scoot off to work in a sec - but I wanted to ask you Denise - I have a state of the art CPAP machine that was about $4k that I no longer use - Bill would need to use his own mask, tubes, etc (obviously) I would be more than happy to send it to you if you are interested - it is pretty much silent - I am not sure where the noise is coming from with his - is it the machine itself or air escaping from an ill fitting mask perhaps? Please let me know and I will send it - maybe his machine is old?

I have been reading all sorts of food addiction books - and ordered this little one that arrived a couple of days ago - I have to say that I am loving it so far - its is pretty much in line with the rules we have as bariatric folk which I like - another little tool to add to the arsenal of weapons against the dreaded regain. The Little Book of Thin http://www.amazon.com/dp/0399166009/?tag=googhydr-20&hvadid=36306974918&hvpos=1t1&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=15491231640768002992&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_2n6n72qut3_e I am always clueless when folks leave, or if there is drama - I think because I got deeply mired in some online nonsense on another type of forum a decade ago (and became the target of some crazy craziness out of the blue) I tend to stay far away from that kind of stuff. I really love the input of folks like Cheri, and Laura, and Butter - some of the pearls of wisdom that these folks have shared is some of the most valuable info I have come across on this journey. Ah well - it is a good thing you guys are moderators to help keep all the crazy in line

I am so sorry you are going through these wacky swings with menopause - I am in it as well, though have yet to have the serious symptoms hit me - I know they will come. You will get your goal - please don't feel like a failure. I know that I have to constantly work on my inner dialogue - it is utterly punishing a lot of the time. Something that helps me is to remember gratitude, even if it is the tiniest thing, thinking of 5 things I am grateful for can make the pain a tiny bit easier - like my kitties brushing up against my legs and looking up and purring I think of everyone often as well - especially folks who get so upset or are struggling with issues that they feel they have to leave the board :/

I have taken Omeprazole every day - sometimes every other since surgery - almost 2 years out now. My acid is right there if I don't take it.

Like most everyone else mentions - it depends on what it is. My go to benchmark foods for densest/most filling foods are home baked chicken breast - depending on the day 3-4oz is still max, and one hard boiled egg can still fill me up as if I have eaten a turkey drumstick lol. These two foods will still make me slime if I have even a tiny bit too much. Three of those frozen turkey meatballs is pretty darned filling as well. Now if I eat things I am not supposed to - it goes down a lot easier. One could eat a whole lot of ice cream - I am one who dumps with heavy duty sugar - get light headed and heart starts racing, nausea, etc - If I did not dump, I am sure I could take down a pretty serious volume a ice cream or milkshake. For myself I have to really watch it with the processed carbs and sugar - since I am an addict I will still make myself sick with eating if I don't watch it and be mindful. I worked my way through an entire box of gingersnaps (a personal favorite) over the course of 3 days a couple of months ago - did I eat Protein? hmm maybe a little - it was mostly gingersnaps - with my food/carb addicted head those little Cookies were the only thing I could concentrate on - had to eat them all until they were gone and not share them. It is better to not have things like that in my house haha and keep working on my issues.

Writing that dos name down! Still have a bit to my own goal and then maintain it for a bit - you look great! My top half appears similar - a bit more drastic than yours as I am older Im sure and I was heavier - so its super deflated. i.e.Dont ever look at your undercarriage while doing a plank without spandex on haha!

I meant to say having your shoes become to BIG to wear

Hi ladies! Sheila, the phentermine is an appetite suppressant and it was part of the original phen-fen combo - its that part that does not make your heart valve go wonky. In a nutshell it completely removes the desire to eat for me - which is the help with de-carbing that I seem to have needed. I always leave my ticker at my lowest weight (which feels deceitful) - but I had popped up by about 13 lbs and have been quite ashamed about it. I am feeling in control for the moment and I am 9 lbs down from last week. The lowest weight I have been at since November. I should reach my ticker number soon - oh you can be sure I will trumpet that to you guys lol. My surgeons office highly recommends Phentermine to both pre-and post op patients - I know that many folks cycle the use of it to keep it effective (say 2 weeks on, 2 weeks off etc.) It is a class IV Drug so insurance often will not pay for it (this last time it did - Obamacare maybe?) and it cannot be called in for refills - a new scrip must be handed to you in person each time. Its pretty much like an amphetamine - and it works, but I dont take it all the time - and I dont think it is meant to be taken for long streches. You should ask your doc about it - my GP doesn't feel comfortable prescribing it - so the WL providers do - and those guys don't like to do refills for my Klonopin (benzo). I have quite the custom mixture precisely tailored to amp my dopamine...because I am an addict and it helps with my food addiction. Here's Wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phentermine Mechanism of Action Phentermine has some similarity in its pharmacodynamics with its parent compound, amphetamine, as they both are TAAR1 agonists.[8] Phentermine works on the hypothalamus portion of the brain to stimulate the adrenal glands to release norepinephrine, a neurotransmitter or chemical messenger that signals a fight-or-flight response, reducing hunger. Phentermine works outside the brain, as well, to release epinephrine or adrenaline, causing fat cells to break down stored fat, but the principal basis of efficacy is hunger-reduction. At clinically relevant doses, phentermine also releases serotonin anddopamine, but to a much lesser extent than that of norepinephrine.[9] I am getting a Shingles vaccine as soon as I possibly can! That does not sound like something to mess with. Georgia - lovely pictures, wishing your family the best for their future happiness and security. Your outfit is stunning - so smart and stylish, I love it! Globe and everyone - I can absolutely relate to the food addiction issues. I have been reading a lot of 12 step, OA stuff and it is like reading my own story, the drive for booze, drugs, food, sex, gambling, what have you all comes from poor brains starved of the proper chemicals due mainly to genetics (dopamine receptor). I know the war with food and weight and loving ourselves and taking good care will always be with me - I guess remembering to take pleasure in the little things like ordering skinny jeans from a favorite catalog (when you could only dream about those clothes before surgery) and even having your shoes become too small to wear are pretty cool signposts of triumph on this bumpy old road. I stopped in at my old job to say hi to a few folks I haven't seen in about 9 months and one women who knows me well literally did not recognize me at all - there was a completely blank look on her face when I walked past her and greeted her by name. I have colored my hair, but I wasn't aware that I look that different - I guess I do lol. Sheryl - you may not feel hot right now but by jove you are smokin hot in your vacation pic We are going on a cruise to Mexico sometime next year and I think I am already planning out outfits.

Measure your food and stop eating Follow you nutritionist's recommendations and don't push it is my advice.

So sad to hear about your friends sisters suicide and happy to hear that the little pup is better! We still rent - I still dream about owning something of our own someday, and we did have a few attempts at buying a few years ago - didn't seem like we were fast enough, lots of homes that are reasonable (if you can say reasonable for Seattle - prices are high) are snapped up by corporations that fix them up then build another house on the large lot - very strange. I do like the freedom of being able to move when I want to - there is something to be said for that freedom. Wishing you guys the best of luck in your home search Cathy. I went to see one of the providers at my surgeon's office and got a Phentermine refill - it is something that I have taken here and there prior to surgery, and after as well - seems to be working well to get this crazy carb monster under control. Also picked up sugar free fiber gummies which are a bona fide miracle lol. Woo your first clients! Congrats I bet it will go great Hope Sheryl is having a blast in Mexico - talk to you guys soon!

http://www.stuff.co....r-says-shes-fat Dear Mum, I was seven when I discovered that you were fat, ugly and horrible. Up until that point I had believed that you were beautiful - in every sense of the word. I remember flicking through old photo albums and staring at pictures of you standing on the deck of a boat. Your white strapless bathing suit looked so glamorous, just like a movie star. Whenever I had the chance I'd pull out that wondrous white bathing suit hidden in your bottom drawer and imagine a time when I'd be big enough to wear it; when I'd be like you. But all of that changed when, one night, we were dressed up for a party and you said to me, ''Look at you, so thin, beautiful and lovely. And look at me, fat, ugly and horrible.'' At first I didn't understand what you meant. ''You're not fat,'' I said earnestly and innocently, and you replied, ''Yes I am, darling. I've always been fat; even as a child.'' In the days that followed I had some painful revelations that have shaped my whole life. I learned that: 1. You must be fat because mothers don't lie. 2. Fat is ugly and horrible. 3. When I grow up I'll look like you and therefore I will be fat, ugly and horrible too. Years later, I looked back on this conversation and the hundreds that followed and cursed you for feeling so unattractive, insecure and unworthy. Because, as my first and most influential role model, you taught me to believe the same thing about myself. With every grimace at your reflection in the mirror, every new wonder diet that was going to change your life, and every guilty spoon of ''Oh-I-really-shouldn't'', I learned that women must be thin to be valid and worthy. Girls must go without because their greatest contribution to the world is their physical beauty. Just like you, I have spent my whole life feeling fat. When did fat become a feeling anyway? And because I believed I was fat, I knew I was no good. But now that I am older, and a mother myself, I know that blaming you for my body hatred is unhelpful and unfair. I now understand that you too are a product of a long and rich lineage of women who were taught to loathe themselves. Look at the example Nanna set for you. Despite being what could only be described as famine-victim chic, she dieted every day of her life until the day she died at 79 years of age. She used to put on make-up to walk to the letterbox for fear that somebody might see her unpainted face. I remember her ''compassionate'' response when you announced that Dad had left you for another woman. Her first comment was, ''I don't understand why he'd leave you. You look after yourself, you wear lipstick. You're overweight - but not that much.'' Before Dad left, he provided no balm for your body-image torment either. ''Jesus, Jan,'' I overheard him say to you. ''It's not that hard. Energy in versus energy out. If you want to lose weight you just have to eat less.'' That night at dinner I watched you implement Dad's ''Energy In, Energy Out: Jesus, Jan, Just Eat Less'' weight-loss cure. You served up chow mein for dinner. (Remember how in 1980s Australian suburbia, a combination of mince, cabbage, and soy sauce was considered the height of exotic gourmet?) Everyone else's food was on a dinner plate except yours. You served your chow mein on a tiny bread-and-butter plate. As you sat in front of that pathetic scoop of mince, silent tears streamed down your face. I said nothing. Not even when your shoulders started heaving from your distress. We all ate our dinner in silence. Nobody comforted you. Nobody told you to stop being ridiculous and get a proper plate. Nobody told you that you were already loved and already good enough. Your achievements and your worth - as a teacher of children with special needs and a devoted mother of three of your own - paled into insignificance when compared with the centimetres you couldn't lose from your waist. It broke my heart to witness your despair and I'm sorry that I didn't rush to your defence. I'd already learned that it was your fault that you were fat. I'd even heard Dad describe losing weight as a ''simple'' process - yet one that you still couldn't come to grips with. The lesson: you didn't deserve any food and you certainly didn't deserve any sympathy. But I was wrong, Mum. Now I understand what it's like to grow up in a society that tells women that their beauty matters most, and at the same time defines a standard of beauty that is perpetually out of our reach. I also know the pain of internalising these messages. We have become our own jailors and we inflict our own punishments for failing to measure up. No one is crueler to us than we are to ourselves. But this madness has to stop, Mum. It stops with you, it stops with me and it stops now. We deserve better - better than to have our days brought to ruin by bad body thoughts, wishing we were otherwise. And it's not just about you and me any more. It's also about Violet. Your granddaughter is only 3 and I do not want body hatred to take root inside her and strangle her happiness, her confidence and her potential. I don't want Violet to believe that her beauty is her most important asset; that it will define her worth in the world. When Violet looks to us to learn how to be a woman, we need to be the best role models we can. We need to show her with our words and our actions that women are good enough just the way they are. And for her to believe us, we need to believe it ourselves. The older we get, the more loved ones we lose to accidents and illness. Their passing is always tragic and far too soon. I sometimes think about what these friends - and the people who love them - wouldn't give for more time in a body that was healthy. A body that would allow them to live just a little longer. The size of that body's thighs or the lines on its face wouldn't matter. It would be alive and therefore it would be perfect. Your body is perfect too. It allows you to disarm a room with your smile and infect everyone with your laugh. It gives you arms to wrap around Violet and squeeze her until she giggles. Every moment we spend worrying about our physical ''flaws'' is a moment wasted, a precious slice of life that we will never get back. Let us honour and respect our bodies for what they do instead of despising them for how they appear. Focus on living healthy and active lives, let our weight fall where it may, and consign our body hatred in the past where it belongs. When I looked at that photo of you in the white bathing suit all those years ago, my innocent young eyes saw the truth. I saw unconditional love, beauty and wisdom. I saw my Mum. Love, Kasey xx This is an excerpt from Dear Mum, a collection of letters from Australian sporting stars, musicians, models, cooks and authors revealing what they would like to say to their mothers before it's too late, or would have said if only they'd had the chance. All royalties go to the National Breast Cancer Foundation. Published by Random House and available now.

Indeed they do! My schedule is very hectic until the end of April and then I will have much more time

Loving this! http://www.nbcnews.com/tech/internet/meet-lammily-crowd-funded-realistic-alternative-barbie-n45931

Good point with the snoring and the Cpap - both myself and my husband were terrible, terrible snorers prior to the prep for surgery. I always felt terrible because he would feel so sad, and also feel guilty when I would sneak out to sleep on the sofa because the windows were rattling lol. He always seemed to take it personally - that I was leaving him all alone when I was just trying to get some shut eye. We both got new Cpap machines that were pretty much silent - and then snoring went away instantly - now that so much of the excess weight is gone, all of his and then some and most of mine - it isn't an issue any longer. He and I both have snorts here and there when sleeping on our backs but the change has been dramatic. It is sad that he is reacting to the issue the way he is - hopefully his understanding will grow, and you will be able to get some sound sleep. I can sooo relate to esteem/job issues - as one who teaches at both the undergrad and graduate level I am well aware of how my title and status make me feel (great most of the time - not so great lately with my main institution being gutted financially) of how wonderful it can make you feel to be shown that what you do has really helped to change peoples lives for the better. Now that this all seems to be coming to an end, and I do not wish to continue dealing with the political stresses of a life in academia - I will reinvent myself once again Next week is spring break and I am very much looking forward to a respite from work. Sheryl - I feel like we have so much in common - Irish. both 49, and I even drive a mini cooper clubman lol.

Hi ladies! Just got back from the dermatologist and had a suspicious mole shaved off - find out next week if its something, or nothing. Still hanging in there with the crazy insanity that is work right now - on top of the madness they have taken away our parking lot - although I pay for the privilege of a possibility of a parking spot - had to pay 20 extra bucks on Monday and that made me quite crabby! going to try and stop wasting my precious energy on stuff I have no control over Interesting - the thought that wild mood swings could be linked with blood sugar - guess I have been so overfed most of my life I would not recognize this if it happened to me - but I think I am going through this too right now. Hormones, stress, auto-immune junk flaring (eyes, skin, arthritis bah!) I have been really working on maintaining positivity and nipping the poor me stuff in the bad as fast as I can - so so hard to do. Please let the sun come out and shine for us! Love you guys and am thinking of you all!

Hi guys, Just got caught up reading - sorry I have been MIA, seems like the story of my life with the board - one more place I will try not to make myself feel guilty (I thought you guys might think I am a bad group member due to my long absences and lack of posting - that I would be asked to leave even.) Weight has been decent, but I am ready for the scale to move down a bit. Glad that the sun has come out a bit - it really makes a big difference for us up here in the NW - but many of you know that as you live here Work is an utter sh**storm - so many politics and seismic changes occurring that I have started taking my heavy duty PTSD meds just to go in to work on teaching days (this semester I am overloaded on classes/contact hours so I am not often around to read here). Here is a recent article in a local paper that can give you guys a hint of the stress level. http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/cornishandmdashseattles-preeminent-art-schoolandmdashrisks-it-all/Content?oid=18915113 The woman who wrote that is definitely a bit sour grapes and it shows - she picked up teaching Art History classes for a minute because a core faculty member lost her battle with cancer. She should not be so sour grapes as she does not have the credentials to teach the subject in the first place - which is generally a PhD. in the discipline. Even though I am supposedly considered one of the 'golden' ones slotted to be part of this new era in teaching for the college - I am struggling with how long standing respected members of our faculty team have been being treated - it is utterly outrageous, and it is outside what I consider ethical. The atmosphere feels like poison when dealing with administration - when I shut that door and am with my students, thankfully the BS all fades away. So this semester will be my last and I am grateful to have had the opportunity - honestly, leaving work at the end of the day feels like I am escaping a burning building. How two people can come in and dismantle a 100 year old beloved arts institution in such a short amount of time is unbelievable - even writing about it makes me feel sick to my stomach. I realize that I need to do quite a bit of mental digesting before I speak or write - so please accept my apologies once again for being so absent, I do think of our group often and am always inspired by everyone's honesty, resilience, and kindness. Basically just trying to keep my nose above the water line right now and asking myself how I really want to spend my days - torn up with politics or creating beauty, love, peace....I think you guys might have an inkling which choice one I am leaning towards.

I used to get a bit down when my losses were not as rapid as I would have liked - I still can as I have not yet reached my goal weight. The truth is that this will never end - and we will get there eventually if we keep at it - and that is okay I am light years beyond where I was at the start of this journey, and that is pretty amazing.

Wore 3,4,5X on top - 2-3X pants prior to vsg - Now I am firmly in the land of medium, some smalls - pants anywhere from a 2 to an 8, tops are medium - though small and small/petites also fit depending on the manufacturer.