pendulum

no kids here, 49....and I keep wanting to defend them with "but they mean well" (and then find myself laughing and shaking my head)

You really make a good point.... I work for a large retail company (100+ folks) and being diabetic I have seen 'those looks' when I am eating 'crap'. I have shared with a few folks my plans of surgery next year. You note made me realize that by telling a few people to assume that EVERYONE knows...(its a given that once gossip starts 'everyone' knows it, and this would be in the gossip category..."hey, did you here the superfat/big guy is getting surgery?" (I think I am the biggest associate in the building at 6'4 1/2" 398)... so this DOES put me under the microscope a bit..... and having said this, maybe wishing blabbermouth me weren't telling so many folks in my cautious excitement.... with watching comes judgement? (a fact of life).... hmmm......thanks for the reminder of a big comany...and congrats on your success!!!!

Was talking to my closest friend tonight- he lives in another state (had to take a job there) and he made some comments about his life- IF he moves back to my city, he will have his significant other, his group of friends, his kids, his family, etc..." so I played that out in MY life, pre and post surgery....and I hit a mental <bump> Every time I have gotten close to the "MAGIC 299" (i.e. being UNDER 300 lbs) I think "oh, THEN I will be "happy" " and I freak out and gain lots of weight back... so I do the lap band, and I lose the weight and....then what? Right now I..... well its me and 2 wonderful dogs. Thats about it. I have family, great folks but they have their lives, I have mine (and they live, thankfuly, about an hour away....we are there for each other but (smile) I do NOT have a 'circle of friends' (literally)- in fact one thing that concerns me is post-op, I don't have that 'network' (sure I have 'friends at work' but....I have never been one to hang out with folks from work...yes they are friends but mentally I would call them 'acquaintances' sure I could ask about post-op help but....I don't know....tonight watching tv part of me wished for another person on the sofa next to me, but don't know if I want the hassle of 'people'...I have been single/alone that....people make me nervous.... my best friend lives many states away (the one person I know I would ask) now so.... I guess my worry is, ALL the work of the band (and money ) and... WHAT IF I LOSE THE WEIGHT and am not "HAPPY"? I simply don't go out (can't afford the drive, I live in the 'burbs' and work retail, a tank of gas is not cheap- sure there is the dog park, but after many many many years of going (3 dogs over 24 years...well, those are 'acquaintances' in my mind- not 'hang out friends'... never have been a bar person (oh, to short cut this I am a single gay man folks) so.... hope I am not blathering here but I am trying to sort this out NOW and now once I have lapband in me and some hefty bills to pay off... I wonder I have been self hiding ALL these years with my weight/belly that....am I scared of being 'better'? surely someone on here has something to add? been there/done that? or...?

Interesting how this remind me/us of things...I remember years ago... I remember 'crawling online' as a way to meet folks (still hiding due to my weight) and now here I am 30 years later....same place. the band is a TOOL in getting thinner, not an end-all be all... I also go t anote today from someone on here who used the dame doc I have an appt with- that was a nice feeling ) like I said- glad I am talking this out sooner, than later... also nice ot read p on experiences (good and bad) post-op. today I learned about green and red zones. just think one day I will be on the 'what shake taste yummy and which taste like mud board? (smile) sow how does it fee to bend over to pick up something? (or figure out how to get if off the floor with OUT bending over?)

Ahhh....Mini- you hit the NAIL on the HEAD on this one... I 'forget' that one side effect to the weight/depression is I have ZERO sex drive...(at the risk of 'tmi' I have not um....'had fun' in going on 2 years) so I am sure when the wieght comes off the 'sap will rise' again... right now I think I have literally taken myself mentally OUT of the dating pool- somone would have to be very agressive to date me (would I let them in the door with out paranoia (what do they really want? certainly not my body...etc...). my mom says maybe I have hit my bottom....may be some real truth to that... as to the job hunting- I totally agree- I can't picture me in an ill fitting suit, sweating, trying to fit in a too small chair walking into ANY interview...it IS about the looks. That said I do have one advantage I forget about...I am 6'4 1/2" so that is a plus. a side note- another reason I want to do this...my father is not getting any younger and really wants to see me happy, I think this might be a big tool to that goal (I would also love to see him see me in a healthy stable relationship before he is gone...)

Again, thanks...I also realize(d) that my work is rather physical but I have 'pulled back' some with my weigh (I am doing less than I used to) which will help BUT post surgery I will have to be very very careful (my job can involve lifting a lot of very (75+ lb) boxes... and yes I will be VERY VERY VERY sure to tell my docs about that one! and as previously stated, having a (new) year and half old terrier/terror in the house will also help with the walking.... although it is supposed to be a nasty winter...but I do NOT want to wait til spring!

some irony in you statements Mini 1) My condo overlooks the gym (I can literally see it from my window but have yet to use it) it is not used much 2) one reason I know I am single is 99% of folks assume I am straight...I read 'straight' to other gay men...lol. I am just ME. pure and simple. I finally got one of the dogs a rainbow dog collar (its the 'gayest' thing I own) however, I do see other men and know I think 'I can't get....him' so I knock msyelf out of the running before I even say hello.....online I do the same thing... online if someone tries to chat I wonder 'why are they talking to me, whats their reasoning' so yeah- I wonder if I will fall into the 'you ignored when I was fat but now?' (naw, I am not that much of a jerk) as to the job you are spot on- I have thought about job hunting but worry that I will be seen as the 'heart attack waiting to happen' and no matter HOW good I interview (heck, will I even be able to get in and out of the chair? or sweat walking in?) goes I will be shot down due to my weight (and do I even have any interview clothes that fit?? etc.... what if I smell? etc. but with 100 lbs less I KNOW I will have that much more confidence....I won't be able to hide the good in me. again, thanks ALL of you for the comments- I know I over think things, but wrapping my brain around this is interesting...

Wow Dave- thanks! This is what I needed to hear...from others... I think I have barricaded myself so long that...well...being 'exposed' feels threatening...(which is normal) also at age 49 I am pretty set in my ways (another reason I feel to do this now is I am will be 50 next year...time for CHANGE) and you really hit the nail on the head...I know what 'this' feels like, not great, but what does the other side feel like? I have no idea unless I actually take that risk. The band is a tool...toward that new me, new life. I think I have allowed the weight to erode my confidence.... I know I am very intelligent, have a great sense of humor, a very big heart (remember I was the guy whose first concern was 'can the dog still snooze on my belly after the surgery?) I will not be the same person- you are right, now I only take the dogs out the minimum to do their business. Across the street is a 20 acre national park along the Chattahoochee River that I have never been to - and I have lived here 2 years. What about exploring that? Or learning hobbies....a river means fishing... I also think NOW is the time to ask these questions- and its a wonderful thing having this forum to ask folks on the 'other side' of this. I also realize part of this is the annoying part of having YET to see my doc, I am guessing/betting there are folks in my area who are having this done (I am sure I will have to go to a seminar, etc...) that will be a great chance to meet, more, folks...who knows.... Thank you very very much for the response....and the pic in your profile is a nice inspiration... Pendulum

You really DO make sense on this one....I was sexually abused as a kid, and told I was 'unlovable' by my abuser (my mother)....wonder how much of my weight/fat is my 'hiding'- if I give that up everyone will see ME. Wow. If I lose the weight do I run the risk of being happy and being me? I also know the wieght keeps me on the side lines...I don't take risk (i.e. going hiking iwth the dogs would be free, and fun...) hmmm... I think I am afraid OF the risk (and god knows I am sick of all the meds) if nothing else do this for my HEALTH, let the happiness come with that... and I have safely proven that you do NOT meet folks sitting on the couch and I agree, if I DID lose 25 lbs (to start would that give me a nice 'nudge' of energy... thanks Iwanna... Penndulum

Actually insurance will cover a big big chunk, just I am 'paying down' several old debts (everyone gets $25/month ) so maybe its a mental excuse? hmmm... Am reading all the (heartfelt) responses and wondering if I am worried about losing my 'wall' that has protected me? or of giving up my drug/lover/hater/best friend/shackle....food. Thanks Shirley.... Pendulum

Thanks for the note, what is a 'green zone'? (new to all the terms) and I work for a large home improvement retailer....(simillar I am sure) starting to notice how I eat with out thinking....(or not paying attention to what I am putting in my mouth) also noted my BMI thinking it was 'high' until I started looking at other post...wow!

Thanks LB4, I want to be a success in this (if nothing else to prove my (step) mother wrong I figure if I start taking those long needed steps now this will be less of a struggle after surgery (tho the liquid diet DOES sound challenging!) yesterday I had a blood sugar drop...and then overdid it on sugar...so I know 'control' is an issue...better start slow NOW... PenNdulum

Thanks- think I will def tell them my plans for the future (one of the things I want to do is sort of say 'I want to be here a long time and be a better employee). There has been some 'throwing under the bus' lately (my dept is in a bit of freefall as we have a supervisor who is a) untouchable and does NOT want to be there and we are all on our own.... I am ALSO a big worrier so I want to cover my 'butt'. Her boss (the asst mgr) is.....an...er....I think Idiot is safe statement, so telling him will make me 'safe'. I also realize this WILL take some time at least 3-6 months. We have had to dept heads who kept putting off surgery and they were very supportive of them. One was in a lot of pain for years (foot issues) and the store mgr basically told her that he did NOT care what was going on in the dept, GET the surgery...she was out for 3 months (she could not stand on it) and now her counterpart is having knee surgery- there is no 'good' time to be out so... Writing this I realize I know I have MAJOR self esteem issues/self worth and having the lap band will help BIG TIME in dealing with that. I am assuming the getting to surgery is a bit of a roller coaster? that said just having made the decision is a weight off my shoulders (no pun intended). I even woke up craving Protein for a change, not sugar/carbs. thanks all. PenNdulum

Thanks all for the great chat so far- wow! Well a small update, saw my primary care doc AND my endocrinologist this week. Good visits- I always forget the BIG correlation with diabetes and depression. Both docs wholeheartedly back me on this. I am DEF a candidate. My diabetes is NOT controlled, tryglicerides (sp), lipids, hdl are "not good", ditto A1C. I 'official' weighed at 398 lbs (I am 6'4 1/2"). The endo took about 1/2 gallon of blood...(will know more in 2-3 weeks (his staff is horrible (laughing). Question for the group- should I say something to upper managment about my plans for next year? (to do an 'end run' basically saying I want to be a better employee, etc...etc...). I WILL tell them I am wating for a new med to kick in (should help with mood, tiredness, etc). (background, we have had 2 knees surgeries and one foot surgery in the past year). I have been with the company for 5 years. Still waiting for my consult Dec 1st (if not sooner) thanks PenNdulum

Just thought I would put this out there- I have an appt with my primary doc on Tuesday, I have an appt with a Lap Band surgeon on Dec 1. (with a note if an appt opens up to get in sooner) Background- 6'5" 400 lbs, type 2 diabetic, 6 shots a day, sleep apnea, 2 anti deps, ZERO energy, no sex life/drive, seem to be taking naps constantly. Right now I am all over the map with my food.Part of me is of the mindset 'if I have the surgery then I can eat whatever crap I want until then' mentality.(dinner was 1/2 gallon of frozen yogurt). I crave carbs/sugars. I rarely eat veggies. My feet/knees ache. I work in a retail warehouse environment, and find myself wanting to work less/sit more. My family, while supportive is concerned that I think this is a magic button. Food is my (depending on the moment) refuge, lover, curse, best friend, killer, numbing agent, etc....). I find myself not caring about seeking a relationship (why not I have one with food). I have two wonderful dogs but... and want to 'be around' for them. Yet I am tired and grumpy- my joy is my lunch nap! (smile) So if I do get the surgery- what prevents me from figuring out how to 'work around it'? I do know I am SICK of 'where I am'. I feel like this is the bottom... I also know I am very intelligent with is a curse/blessing. Am I looking to the band to be a 'magic button'? I have been in touch with some amazing folks from here (thanks guys!) Why not just get the will power and EAT RIGHT? (I have lost and gained and lost and gained....) Every time I have gotten close to the magic 299 (sound of clouds parting, music, lights) I freak.... I have done eating disorder clinic (30 days) weight watchers (even published a cook book, taught healthy cooking) I 'know the drill' (but hate cooking for one). I even did Protein tablets 20+ years ago (how silly that seems now, tablets 2 meals a day to lose weight!). Any one else 'there'? Would love to hear your side(s) I have talked to my doc several times- the last time he showed me the '3 little cups' and I FREAKED but at this point....I dunno i am ready to do what I need to do (yet saying that I turn to ice cream, I guess I worry that if I am 'so ready' why am I not eating salads and low carb stuff??

One thing my doc said yesterday I need to remember- my diabetes affects ALL area of my life, at this point I am headed nowhere. The diabetes and other things are NOT under control, after a year not much better. Will that shorten my life drastically- oh yeah (and heck, no sex life for 2 years sucks a lot of whats left joy out of it....) I believe him (and me) that the lapband WILL radically change my life for the better (and quite possibly SAVE my life). So....appt with the endo tomorrow and full steam ahead! Dec 1st will be here soon....

Well I am really 'on the path' had a 'pre-appt' with my primary doc yesterday and just scheduled a pre-apt with the endocrinologist (so we are ALL on the same page before the consult with the lapband doc...) wierdly freeing to just TYPE that. I am also going to tell my store mgr what is going on (to 'head things off at the pass' and make me look more pro-active. what were others situation(s) about telling work? I know this is a way off but.... I DO know my weight (and screwed up endo system have affected my work performance (tired-er, sleepier, grumpier, etc)

I know I can give up the soda(s), used to study with a Shaman (long story) and gave up caffeine a few times (god the withdrawal headaches are rough tho!!!) and I can't believe the prices on sodas! 2 liters were a dollar 8 months ago, today it was $1.99.... been slowing changing to caff free tea (but love my diet pepsi in the AM)

Well, saw my primary care doc today. Good visit (as always) a really amazing group of folks. He supports me 200% in this. Also had a good sniff/tears with him. He pointed out 3 things I need to feel good about. 1) I have a great dog(s)- one is 1 1/2 years old, the other 15 1/2 years old that give me joy. 2) I have added a new anti-dep that will kick in in about 3-4 weeks. (I always forget that having uncontrolled diabetes really plays havoc with depression, among other things). 3) I have made a very good step along a new path that will add years to my life. Short version, diabetes (type 2) is not under control, cholesterol/triglicerides are not under control, BP was up a tad. (they ran an EKG and it was okay). His nurse said that he normally is not a fan of banding (the nurse not the doc) but in my case it will radically change my life for the better. Per the docs request I am making a follow-up with my endocrinologist this week (or as soon as I can get an appt). I am still 'on' for my consult December 1st. Glad I went. I had some political BS happen at work and it pushed ALL my worry/paranoid buttons (esp in this job market) my doc had a very good suggestion, I am going to my store mgr and sitting down with him for a second and telling him that I am working with my medical team to have surgery I want to be a better associate (aka employee) and that this surgery will add life, joy, etc to my work and ALSO that I am on new meds and they should kick in in the next few weeks and make a difference. I realize that I am slower, lazier, tired-er, less inspired right now. Oh, I am at an all time high weight wise- 398 lbs. doc daid my first goal is to lose 10%, then he smiled and said 'not 40 lbs, but 39 lbs !) ( I just smiled thru my tears and said thanks b***h (you have to know my doc (smile) he is the only doc I have ever had who first gives you a BIG hug from the heart, I know this man cares.... oh- and when he walked in he had just heard another (female) patient had JUST had her lap band done! (in another state) a nice omen?

In Eating Disorder hospital it was commented there are not drive thru liquor stores or crack houses... someone with a 6 pack of booze in the front seat (or a crack pipe) would get pulled over, but a 500lb person with a 6 pack of donuts would not.... I just watched one guy and to be honest, was disturbed about how much he talked about...food! he was showing off what he was eating...at the end, while talkinga bout his weight loss, was saying how much he enjoyed eating ribs in week 5.....did I miss something? am also seeing there is a lot of JUNK out there.... whew....like weeding thru....

Thanks for the vid suggestion- NEVER THought about that! Nice to see some male perspective too (no offense), but as someone who does not socialize much at all (I think my weight is part of that), I tend to feel....alone? isolated? the vids help (and am only on the second one typing this)

Wow, thanks all! As to by-pass surgery, to be honest, that just goes against "me"- the idea of reconnect part of yourself to itself just makes no sense to me (and the horror stories I have heard...my 'gut' says No.) so... I am just sick of this nighmarish hell relationship with food! I was a chef- but it was like an alchoholic working in a bar- my 'drug' was EVERYWHERE I turned. Now I have good days- I watched Dlife (a tv show for diabetics that is very good....like 'readers digest on tv for diabetics) and felt good- had a healthy Breakfast, frozen waffles, egg and cheese, lunch was okay, then had chicken and veggies for dinner, the day before I had 1/2 gallon of ice cream for dinner. The ice cream thing I can remember doing in 1982.... its like my own private hell. I have seen therapists, done a 30 day in-patient program, gotten a 1 year 'ship' in Overeaters Anonymous, won an Award for a recipe in a Weight Watchers Recipe Collection (ironically what I submitted and what was printed have very little in common (smile), taught Healthy Cooking at a Evening Program, etc...etc... Wow, I just 'read below' and when I DID make that appt with the Lap Band doc I DID have that A-HA feeling! I think the doubts are normal- this doc does come well recommended, in a very good practice. (my Endo is very very well respected and this doc is person he immediately said to call (in his weird round-a-bout way) Will post and update after my appt tomorrow (with the reg doc) What I feel I want is a new....a.....a <break> with the past, a new start/step/tool (yes I am taking notes as I am seeing my doctor tomorrow) I don't want to do therapy anymore...... Friends say 'go for it' my family says "you can't screw this one up" as they have heard the "tomorrow is a new start!!" speech hundreds of times....'next year is going to be THE year" "this is it!" ad nauseum...

interestingly enough I looked into this 6 years ago, but insurance would NOT cover it. And most of the 'people in my life' were totally against it. my consult (is that what you call it?) is Dec 1, but have asked for a sooner appt.... only 2 months? I was told 3-6?