prettygirlhiding

Gee Ladies, you sure know how to support a gal! Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!!! This online community of "strangers" is the biggest tool to keep me on track and motivated. Love it!

Keeping my cool is not what I am or have been known for. Having Pcos, a difficult childhood and addictions to food, nicotine and caffiene are not excuses to behave badly, but they certainly do not help you stay on an even keel! I am sitting here getting ready to go to work for the day... the procrastinator in me is giving the rest of me a big fat I told you so talking to right now. You see I have not only managed to wait until I was 347lbs and 33 years old to decide that I want to be a mother, I have also waited until 3 weeks before surgery to quit smoking, give a liquid diet a try and just for kicks increase my workout routine! What kind of sadistic fool am I??? Work will be a nice distraction today, I care for Seniors in a continuing care facility. It is actually the only time I get away from my big brain thinking about everything too hard! I love the way caring for others makes me feel. Today as I down numer 2 of 3 protien based drinks I will have to face today, I am can't help but remind myself ...... why I am doing this. I will face the day and not smoke ( is it possible to not smoke while driving??? guess I will find out!) I will keep my cool because I am practicing a new me, one that cares about me and my future. I should just go ahead and apologize to all of you right now.... there will be a lot of blog entries in the next 3 weeks. With out Food and Cigarettes, My fingers will be looking for something to do.......

I am 23 days and counting, Good luck and can't wait to share the journey with you!!!

Thank you for your honesty!!!! I am just getting ready to say good by to my old friend. Wait... not friend though! My friend has never told me I am beautiful, it didn't take care of my health, it did not return the financial investment I have made over the years, it has never once said " i'll help you out if you need me". I know that I will miss our time together, but I look forward to making new "friends" The truth is I gave my old friend my whole life, it took away so much of my life like frenemies do! Love that you are sharing what is real about this addiction and I look forward to supporting and sharing with you all the new friends we are going to make!

Thanks Jess!!! Hope your having a better time!

Your answer was in your question may not be able to control what my family eats but I can control what is brought into my house and I have a Rights. I have the right not to subject myself to unhealthy atmospheres, friends or family who do not support my choice to make a healthy life for myself There is no easy answer or magical answer. I know I do eat because I have such a negative view of myself, that I do not deserve happiness. How do you change that? by remembering, constantly reiterating, I am worth it, I deserve to be happy and trying to change a negative dialogue with yourself that has been going on for years! It happens Day by day.Take care of your mind and your body will follow. Thank you for sharing this post, it is another reminder to me that once I have the surgery I will still have to remind myself everyday to keep moving forward. I hope this helps!

So I was not sure how I was going to tell my family that I was going to have this amazing surgery to change my life. So we had a fantastic meal and while eating dessert my brother in law was talking about his last work trip to Toronto and I started asking him questions about the locale...... he asked why? you goin' there or sumthin?...... I blurted Yes I am!!!! I gently explained that I was going for lapband surgery and prepared for an enslaught of questions to commence! I was so surprised! My Husbands family was so supportive. They have watched me for the last 10 years balloon from 230 lbs to 347lbs. They supported me when I decided to go to therapy 6 years ago to deal with abuse I went through as a child. They have always met with enthusiasm my ventures at weight loss over the years and never once said anything as I failed each time. My sister in law who has had a 20 lb weight struggle said it best..... you can't give up food right and this will help you change how food is in your life, How do you change a 30 year bad relationship with food? It's not easy..... They had your standard questions about the logistics of it all, when, with whom are you going?, is it safe, how long will it take to recover. I was proud to say and relieved that I had all the answers. I really have done my research in to this. I have watched a friend almost die from her gastric bypass surgery and it's complications, I have watched another friend lose 180 lbs with her lap band and has told me " don't wait till your 50 like I did" and I have been in and out this forum. I am so thankful for the honesty and openess of all of you today. What I am really starting to learn is when you move and act from a place where you are trying to better yourself, be honest with yourself, be true to yourself and really want to change yourself for the better. People see that and want to support you to be happy. Of course I have had negative encounters..... one woman I told stated " have you really tried everything? I mean it's a lot of money" I FUMED! My retort? 25,000.00 For IVF, not gauranteed and I would have to lose weight anyway 40,000.00 adoption and 4-5 years 16,000.00 lap band = healthy me, healthy pregnancy and a tool to control my weight for the rest of my life! I asked her to go home to her beautiful little boys, think about how much money she would have paid for just one of her pregnancies, birth experiences, and sons and tell me how to price that out...... cause that is what I am buying!!! She didn't have anything to say..... I was not trying to be a smart ass, I was trying to remove the stigma. The one that says fat people are lazy, have not tried and are motivated by skinny jeans only..... I am a real person, I am a nurse who cares for others, I have been married and built a life to be a mother. I do not deserve to be judged. That is what my mother in law said to me last night. That was just what I needed to hear........