Im sitting here 12 hours til my surgery & Im a ball of emotions right now. Excited, anxious, scared, nervous, hungry....
Its weird because up until today I was pretty excited about what was gonna happen but now that its finally here Im finding myself surprisingly emotional. I feel like I have been waiting my entire life for this. I've been overweight since birth & have known nothing else. I know there is no guarantee that this will work for me & I got a hell of a long way to go, but Im ready to put in the work. Im tired of living my life this way & Im ready to say goodbye. Good bye to looking at chairs with dread & wondering if Im going to fit in them or break them. Goodbye to cardigans & jackets over everything to hide my fat arms.( Even during the hot summer!) Goodbye to turning down invitations to hang out with friends I havnt seen in awhile because I dont want them to see how fat I have gotten. Goodbe to hearing "you have such a pretty face" or "You would be so pretty if you lost some weight". Am I suppose to take that as a compliment?! Goodbye to hiding behind my camera. I went to Vegas for the first time 4 months ago & took tons of pictures of my friends having the time of their lives.Tell me why Im not in one damn picture? Any picture I took with myself in it got deleted when I saw how fat I looked in it. This sounds dumb, but I cant wait to update my profile picture on Facebook with a picture that's not from the face up & from 3 years ago when I wasn't as fat.
Good bye to not being able to take a compliment from my loving fiance who tells I look beautiful, to only get my "shut up" or "whatever" response. Or even worse, that being together for 6 years & living together for 3, I still make him turn around or close his eyes when I change or I am naked. Goodbye to the looks of pitty I've seen in people's eyes. I was at a store one time & there was a lady & her child in the isle with me. When I passed them with my cart the little boy said "Whoa Mommy, she's faaaat!" . The woman mouthed an appoligy to me while looking embarassed & scolded her son. But no one was embarassed as I was. I sat in my car in the parking lot & cried. Did this 6 year old kid really make me cry? I felt like I was in grade school again. I never want to feel like that again. I'v lost 36 pounds in the last 2 1/2 monhs with diet & excersize alone & can't wait to have this tool to help keep it up. I guess my final good bye should be to the "old" me. The over weight, unhealthy & unhappy me. Im ready to start living the life I've always wanted to live & Im ready to show my body the love it deserves.