rebecca1962j

I had my lap band surgery two years ago this August. I have not been as successful as I would have liked, but I have lost almost 100 pounds. I still have 150 to go to meet my goal. I am glad I had it done, but things are so confusing right now in my personal life. I am having a hard time right now because my husband of 12 years moved out on May 19th. He turned 50 in January, and I don't know what has happened. My husband started acting different and is not himself at all. I know he has developed a good friendship with a girl at work, and that he has talked to her a lot. He told me in January he wanted to leave, moved into the other room for a few days, then moved back. He did this again in February. In March, he went to see a counselor for one time and came back saying he didn't know what he was thinking. He apologized for hurting me and talking to the other friend, but said it was nothing romantic at all. He seemed okay for a couple of months. In May, he told me he had decided that the counselor was a hypocrit and nothing she said made sense. He told me early one morning that he was moving out and when I got home from work all of his things were gone. He sent me a text. He comes by to see me or calls to check on me every few days. He says he is very depressed and has been unwilling to seek help. He says he loves me, but doesn't know what is wrong with his mind. I don't know what to do. I am very unhappy in this limbo situation, but I feel that things can never be the same. I love him, but I no longer trust that he will always be here for me. I want things to work out for us, because I believe marriage is a committment and that anything can be worked out if both people care enough. Right now, he doesn't care enough. I have not gained any weight, but it is because I have been working hard to exercise. In the last two months, I have lost about 30 pounds through exercise and probably the stress. Any advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? I am a good person, a Christian, and I want us both to be happy. I just needed to tell all of this to a friend. Thanks for listening.

I had my lap band surgery two years ago this August. I have not been as successful as I would have liked, but I have lost almost 100 pounds. I still have 150 to go to meet my goal. I am having a hard time right now because my husband of 12 years moved out on May 19th. He turned 50 in January, and I don't know what has happened. I know he has developed a good friendship with a girl at work, and that he has talked to her a lot. He told me in January he wanted to leave, moved into the other room for a few days, then moved back. He did this again in February. In March, he went to see a counselor for one time and came back saying he didn't know what he was thinking. He apologized for hurting me and talking to the other friend. He seemed okay for a couple of months. In May, he told me he had decided that the counselor was a hypocrit and nothings she said made sense. He told me early one morning that he was moving out and when I got home from work all of his things were gone. He sent me a text. He comes by to see me or calls to check on me every few days. He says he is very depressed and has been unwilling to seek help. He says he loves me, but doesn't know what is wrong with his mind. I don't know what to do. I am very unhappy in this limbo situation, but I feel that things can never be the same. I love him, but I no longer trust that he will always be here for me. I want things to work out for us, because I believe marriage is a committment and that anything can be worked out if both people care enough. Right now, he doesn't care enough. I have not gained any weight, but it is because I have been working hard to exerise. In the last two months, I have lost about 30 pounds through exercise and probably the stress. Any advice? Has anyone gone through something similar? I just needed to tell all of this to a friend. Thanks for listening.

I was banded almost two years ago. My weight has gone down some, then back up, and has now gone down again. I have been working since December to exercise more, eat less, and really eat healthy foods. I am sooooo close to being in the 200's, but still so far away. 301, 300, 302, 300...will it ever get there? Keep me in your thoughts, I am trying so hard to get in the 200's. Wish me luck! Rebecca

Hello there.... I have been focusing on my weight most of my life. I have gone up, down, up, down and back again. I have really been working since December, and have lost about 80 pounds. I still have a long way to go. My goal is to have my weight go down as I improve other areas of my life. I have been dealing with my husband's depression since January. He moved out in May, and is now taking some medication which he doesn't have much faith in. I would like to know if any of you have every suffered from depression or had a loved one that has....what did you do to help them and also help yourself? I can use any advice I can get. Although his leaving and the things that have happened have really hurt me, I still have hope that we can stay together. Maybe I am crazy, but I would love for us to both grow stronger in the Lord and in our marriage. Please say a little prayer for him and for me today. His son, who died when he was 7 of leukemia, would have been 25 years old today. It has been an emotional day for him and for me because I know the pain he feels every day with that loss. Thanks for listening.... :0/ Rebecca

Hi Again... Thank you so much for caring. I would have updated sooner if I could have figured out how to get back to my original post. I went to New Hampshire and spent a week with my brother, his wife, and his two young children. I really enjoyed spending time with them. It was a chance to get away and focus on something different. I think that is what I really need to do. I have no idea why he won't tell me where he is living. I got really upset after meeeting with that counselor last Tuesday. I don't see or talk to him every day. I did not hear from my husband at all on Tuesday, and when he called on Wednesday afternoon I had my phone on vibrate and did not answer. He came by really worried about me. I was just lying on the bed crying. He laid down beside me and was also upset. He has asked me to give him some time. I asked him if he was living with someone, and he said he swears he is not. I told him I do feel as if he has been emotionally unfaithful, but I asked him if he had had a physical affair. He swears he has not. I told him it really hurts me that he won't tell me where he lives, but he still will not. I guess if I really wanted to know I could have a friend follow him, but I don't want to do that. If I have to do that, it is truly over. He says he is trying to work things and it will take some time. I still feel so unsure of him and our relationship. How do I just wait? I am so lonely.... This all started in January. So far the year 2011 has not been a good one for me at all. I hope it gets better soon. I do attend church, and have talked to my minister. He was very nice and would like for me to worry about myself more. I am trying. I have encouraged my husband to get some counseling, but he does not have a favorable view of them. When his first wife and he went to see a counselor when their son died of leukemia, the counselor suggested that God had taken their son to straighten out parts of their lives.....Big mistake. He is not open to couseling at all. My husband did tell me that he has a futon couch and a flat screen T.V. that he bought and put in his apartment. I don't know why, but that bothers me. If he wanted a T.V, why not take one of the ones we already have? Is this a sign that he is making his own plans? I don't expect an answer. Thanks so much for listening. Rebecca

Hi Everyone, I posted several things about my life a few weeks ago and I have a hard time trying to see what others have added or get back to where I was. I used to know how to navigate better, or this board has changed in the last two years. Oh, yeah, and I'm also getting older and have been really stressed lately, so my memory is probably shot, too. :0) Anyway, I wanted to give an update on my situation and see if anyone out there can relate. My husband and I have now been separated for two and a half months, and I am no closer to understanding why. I finally know that he has been really depressed, and he was recently diagnosed and has started taking depression medication. He has been on something for two weeks now. He says that along with the side effects, he feels the medicine has magnified his feelings of disgust in himself, lack of confidence, feelings of failure, and desire to just hide away somewhere. We are hoping that in a few weeks he will feel better or we don't stand a chance. I hope that the medicine will help him, but I have been feeling really down about everything that has happened the last two and a half months. I think I am in the midst of my own situational depression. I had an appointment for a counselor and went last week. I was so sad for two days after that I just wanted to crawl in a hole myself. I do not think we were a good fit at all. She made me feel stupid for having hope and wanting to stay in the marriage, although I don't think she wanted to do that. She wanted me to admit he has had an affair and stop living in denial. I feel that he has had an emotional affair with someone, but he says he has never had a physical affair. He says he still loves me and is just asking me for a little time to get his head on straight. So here I am, waiting....and waiting...and waiting. I am trusting in what he says, because as far as I know he has never lied to me. I love him unconditionally, which makes it hard not to give him the benefit of the doubt. I know that he is so upset and ashamed with himself for needing medication and asking for help from professionals. He doesn't seem to think a problem of the mind is the same as a problem of the body. How can I help him with that? Anyone have any ideas? I go back to work on Monday, and guess it will be good to stay busy. Please say a prayer for me. If I can figure out how, I would love to see any comments on what you have experienced or what you think. God bless..... Rebecca

Thank you so much for the response. I really appreciate your expertise in medications because I don't know much about them myself. He is on prozac and has had a really hard time sleeping, trouble with upset stomach, and bad headaches. I hope he feels better soon. Thanks for the great advice. I will continue praying and hoping every day! :0)

Hi... I am not afraid to fly, but I am afraid of being the biggest one on the airplane. Please think good thoughts and pray I don't have to squish myself up against someone I don't know for two or three hours. I can use all the prayers I can get. Thanks! Rebecca

It was really scary flying yesterday. First, I was at the very back of the plane, next to last seats. Second, it was so hot and the airplane had no air until we got under way. Third, every seat was full. Fourth, when I got there I saw the middle seat was filled with a large man. I got him to let me in, then he got in and I was pushed into the wall. Another large man came and sat beside him on the aisle, so all of us were the biggest people around. I spent a couple of hours sitting as close to the wall of the plane as I could get and kind of sideways. It was pretty turbulent, so it wasn't the greatest flight. Flying into Boston, we ran into bad storms. Anyway, I did pretty well. I had to ask for an extension because it wouldn't meet by about two inches. The flight attendant was very discreet and did not make me feel bad. I have always had good experiences on U.S. Airways. The scanner was no bid deal. I have my lap band and four titanium cages from surgeries in my back and I had no trouble so don't worry. Thanks for all the great responses. Rebecca

Thanks so much, Jen. You have been a very encouraging spot in my life the last few days. It is nice to have someone to talk to. Have a great week! Rebecca

Thanks so much for sharing what happened to you. I have no idea if something similar is happening to me right now or not. If he is living with her, he is very bold. His boss and everyone who works in the office with him knows where he is living, so that could be. Tomorrow I leave for a week to visit my brother and his wife in New Hampshire. I am a little bit scared. My husband came yesterday to paint and said that he knew I must be getting excited about my trip. Yes, I am glad I am going, but there is no way I would be going if things were still right between us. I would rather be staying home, working on a project on the house with him or taking that vacation to New Orleans we planned. I can't afford to go anywhere right now, so my brother and his wife bought me a ticket to come and visit them. I am looking forward to seeing them and getting away from all the stress here, but I am afraid it will go with me. Thanks so much for sharing..... I will continue to pray and wait, being careful to watch out for myself along the way. God bless! Rebecca

Thanks so much for responding. The last two months of my life have been very hard and I don't know how I have survived. I wish I could feel like he does so that it wouldn't bother me so much.... A few days ago I met with our minister for an hour and a half. He didn't really advise me, but he really made me think about things. He also wonders why my husband is so secretive about where he is living. The most profound thing he said was that the person with the least interest in a relationship is the person with the most control over it. That made a lot of sense to me. I wish sometimes I didn't really care. Then I feel I would have choices. I can't change who I am, but I can work on myself and make sure I am okay. That is all I have control of anyway. My sister-in-law and brother do know about my situation. I had called her when it first happened. She is just finishing her residency as a psychiatrist, and although her speciality is children, she has a lot of insight into this situation. It really bothers her how I am being jerked around by him stopping by and calling whenever he wants. I am glad he is going to take care of our kitty while I am gone, so at least he will be checking on the house and making sure things are okay. I do trust him in a lot of areas, but I don't think I trust him with my heart anymore. My minister also said that he worries when he does come back, and he thinks he might, that I will be strong enough to do what is right for me. I hope so. I am not as sure he will ever come back. I know things can never be the same again, and that hurts. I feel like he has thrown me and our marriage away. Thanks for taking time to write me back. I really have looked forward to checking these last two days. It has helped a lot! Have a great day! Rebecca

Jeannette, Thanks so much for replying. I absolutely agree with everything you have said. I have been waiting and living in limbo a little too long. I have asked him what he wants, and he doesn't have a clue. I think he truly does want to bury his head in the sand. I see him once or twice a week for just a few minutes, and in two months he hasn't spent more than five mintues talking to me about something other than chit-chat. He is not at a place right now where he will discuss anything. He just wants to live in his little apartment where I can't find him and go back and forth to work. He spends all weekend riding his motorcyle, according to him, but who knows? He also says he talks to his female friend from work, and I know they have met four or five times to go walking. It really hurts that she has been to his apartment when he won't even tell me where it is. I feel betrayed.... I do love him, but I don't know this person at all. Where did the man I love go? He has never been on any medications for depression, but does have rheumotoid arthritis and is on major medications for that. Thanks so much for responding...at least now I feel like someone is finally listening. Have a great night, and I will keep you updated! Rebecca

Hi.... I am so sorry you have had so much trouble. I had my surgery August 31st of 2009, and have had my ups and downs. I am not sure I ever found that "sweet" spot, but have been working around it. I have had two fills, and the second one was too much. I couldn't keep anything down. The doctor tok some out, and restriction was gone. Now I will have trouble eating about once or twice a week, usually because I didn't chew well enough. I get that awful sliming and just have to get it back up. Most of the time I do okay. I began trying to lose weight at 424, was down to 380 for my surgery, lost 70 pounds over a year, then put all 70 back on throughout the next year. This past December I started doing Weight Watchers online and lost about 40 pounds. My husband and I separated a few months ago, so I couldn't afford WW anymore and stopped. I am continuing to lose slowly, but it is only because I am walking every single day. I have a horrible hill two mile walk that I do every day, and it has really helped me feel better and more in control of my eating. I still have a long way to go, because I am still 304 pounds, but I feel hopeful that the band, my own willpower, and exercise are the way for me. Don't give up. I have never had acid reflux, but I hear it is awful. I will be thinking of you and hope to see things going better. Hang in there, girl! :0) Rebecca

Hi there... Thanks so much for responding, NJGirl32. It is nice just to know someone somewhere is listening and cares. I spend way too much time thinking about all this. One of the problems is that I am a teacher and my summer break still has a month to go. It has been very hard being all alone here, but I am coping. We had planned to paint the house this spring, so after he left I just started on my own. I would say I have done about 80%, and he is coming different afternoons and finishing the things I couldn't reach. We are almost done completely. I also painted both sheds and the under part of the house, along with treating the decks with Thompson's Water seal. I have been a busy girl.... Don't worry about finances. This was a second marriage for us both, and I had such a bad experience the first time that we don't have many things together. I am in the house and paying all those bills. He is living somewhere else and paying all his bills. We do not have any joint credit. My car is paid for and in my name only. I paid for our car insurance, and he gave me his half. So far, so good. I am sure you are probably right about someone else. I can't believe he would do that, but he probably is. Whenever men are unhappy, they need for someone else to make part of them happy, if you know what I mean. This is complicated. He came by first thing this morning just to see me and give me a hug. He came this afternoon and painted, but I stayed in the house. He gave me a kiss on the head on the way out the door. I am taking an airplane on Wednesday to go and see my brother and sister in law in New Hampshire, and I am looking forward to getting away from here. Thanks for listening and the great advice. I have a counseling appointment later this month, but it is nice to have someone to talk to right now. Keep the faith, and I will keep you posted. If you are a believer, say a little prayer for me as well. Rebecca

Thanks so much, Melissa. I can use all the prayers offered.

I have had all of those chair experiences, and they are awful. I even also sat down on a toilet one time and had it fall off the wall in the hospital. Talk about embarassing....I wanted to die. I am down 100 pounds, but I still weigh 304. I am flying on Wednesday, and I already plan to ask for a seat belt extension. Most of the time the flight attendants have been very understanding, and I have only had one bad experience. She stood up and announced to the world that she would bring me one in a minute. The others just discreetly nodded and dropped it in my lap on the way by. If people have never been too large to fit into things, it is very hard for them to empathize. I understand completely because I have been through it. I went to a dinner at a restaurant about two years ago. The chairs were super small with arms, and I couldn't begin to fit into it. I sat with just about two inches of my behind in the seat and the rest sitting forward, trying to balance on my legs. The dinner lasted about two and a half hours and I thought I was going to die. It is a shame that large people do not feel they have the same rights as other people much of the time. It never occurred to me to just stand up and ask the waiter for a different chair, because that would call attention to my fatness. I never want anyone to notice, but it is really hard not to. If I were disabled or had any other problem, I think I would be freer to ask for help. I am so glad I had the lap band, and hope that I can continue to lose weight until I am a more normal size. My goal is 150, but I would shout hallelujah if I could get to 200 or anywhere nearby. Thanks for listening....

Thanks so much to those of you who responded. I do have an appointment with a counselor, but it isn't until late in July. It takes so long to get an appointment. My husband is so mixed up right now. When we first separated, I did not contact him at all for about three weeks, but he would come by and see me or call me every few days to see how I was doing. He has been having panic attacks as well, and sometimes he would call me three times in just a few minutes to make sure I am okay. I love him with all my heart, but I know this has really hurt our relationship. It will never be like it was before. I hope he will go get some help for himself, but I can't make him do that. I don't think he is having an affair yet, but I think it could easily happen. Unmarried, willing female friend and lonely, separated man are a little dangerous to put together. The one thing that really hurts my feelings is that he won't tell me where he is living. I asked him why, and he said he was afraid I would go there and make a scene. In 13 years with him, I have never done anything to embarass him in public, so this doesn't make much sense to me. I asked him who knew where he lives, and he said all the people in the office at work. I asked if the girl he talks to had been there, and he said yes. He doesn't understand why that bothers me. He says they have gone walking four or five times in the last six weeks. Seems pretty strange to me....she is more trusted than I am. Kind of ironic that so many people who go through weight loss surgery wind up separated or divorced. I don't think my weight had anything to do with this, but who knows. He keeps telling me it is not me, I am wonderful....wish I felt wonderful. Thanks for caring!