LonnieThatGirl

First I would classify myself as a child of God - a Christian. Second, I am a wife to the most amazing husband (truely) I've ever met. And, thirdly, I am a mother of a miracle little boy (conceived after 12+ years of unexplained infertility).

I am a work in progress. I love life and am excited to embark on a new journey with my wls - as my weight, I feel, is the only thing that holds me back from truely enjoying all I want to in life. My weight doesn't define me, but it has made some aspects of life difficult. I am excited to move past the issues associated with my weight.

Here's my story...

I was actually super thin until after I got married (until I was 19, I was about 110-115 and 5'5"... got married at 20 and had already started gaining already - 125 by wedding). It had less to do with getting married and more to do with all the lifestyle changes that happened at that point in my life and something changing within my body. When I was thin, I could eat anything I wanted, and I pretty much did (although my hunger was quite low) without any consequences - or so I thought. I was very active and loved running and doing aerobics. When I got married, I got a desk job and a very sedetary life style. But, it didn't really explain the huge weight gain (80 pounds). Something didn't "feel" right and a couple years later, my doctor didn't think it was normal either that I was gaining so rapidly. Many tests later, I found out I had insulin resistance and a metabolic syndrome. I really didn't know what I know now about eating and what to do, and by the time I figured it out, I had developed really horrible habits that I couldn't seem to change. I had also become an emotional eater. And my appetite became insatiable!

I tried exercising and many diets and many prescription drugs. I got discouraged that no matter what I did, I couldn't seem to get (or keep it off if I lost it) the weight off. Combined with my discouragement, I became an emotional eater and developed unhealthy habits. The combination was disasterous for my weight. Looking back, I must admit food always had a huge part in my life - even when I was thin. Most happy events in my life revolved around food. My parents never had a great relationship and although I would say I had a relatively happy childhood, there were bad things that happened (brother's death, molestation, etc.) that I think contributed to my emotional dependency on food. It seemed that my happiest moments as a child was when we were surrounded by food. We didn't have much money growing up, but I do remember one memory clearly about my parents buying us fast food, and we went to a lake and parked and ate - mostly in silence. Which was a good memory for me because silence meant that they weren't fighting. It was Wendy's. A burger in foil wrapper. To this day, a foil Wendy's wrapper takes me back... I realized how much food had control over me when I would try to diet and have a range of emotions from anger to depression if I couldn't eat what I wanted; when I finally caved in, it was a flood of relief that came over me. I quit smoking alittle while back, and I can equate the feeling to that addiction to nicotine - the flood of relaxation I got when I finally met that craving.

I've been overweight for 15 years now. I've let the years be ruled by shame and let my weight keep me from doing so many things out of embarassment. The last little while, I've tried to change that and do things anyway, but now I am older and weight has taken it's toll on my body (I feel much older than the age 36 that I am). Somethings just are physically not doeable. I have no energy, I've developed arthritis in my knees, back problems, etc. I've been able to conquer all sorts of battles and obstacles in my life (all with God's help). I went back to college and got two degrees in my late 20's, I quit smoking, I've conquered fears, made it through almost 13 years of infertility, fostered children, etc. But, my weight is the one thing that has always controlled me. I feel like I am in someone else's body; I want to do all these things in life but feel held back. I can't even dress in the style that I would want to (it's been so long that I am not even sure what that style would look like at this point) because I just buy what fits.

It's time to make a change. A permanent change. I know from the past that I cannot do it on my own. I need a tool - surgery. I know this is going to be a difficult journey for me. I haven't yet had the surgery and I am already battling. But, I have hope that this surgery will put the fight back in me and I will do what I have to in order to make this a sucess.