MsAnn6550

I'm not doing well with this. I have not lost any since my second fill on the 3rd. I find myself sneaking food so my hubby won't see. I am so full sometime it hurts and yet I still seek something to eat. I am such an addict. I am so ashamed. I am reverting back to old habits of sleeping a lot and not leaving the house for days. The girls were here this weekend and I did not eat right or drink right. Why can't I do the things I am supposed to do? Have tried to get support on the chat line, but I can't bring myself to tell what I have been doing or how I feel. How do I tell someone I feel like such a failure. I do have more energy, but I choose to ignore it. I don't want to leave the house for two reasons: 1) I really don't want anyone to see me and 2) I don't want to explain where I'm going to hubby. He is still somewhat supportive but he is also getting critical. And with his size and health problems, that is like the pot calling the kettle black. His short term memory is getting worse and I have to remind him of things constantly. I thought my depression was getting better,but apparently it's not. I would say that I don't know what to do but I do. I need to suck it up and get my mind back in order. But that is easier said than done. If anyone has suggesti9ons< I'm open.

Had my second fill on Wednesday. Now have 5.5cc in 14 cc band. doc this will be the last time I get a 2cc fill at one time. I feel more restriction this time. Bad part is the burping has gone back to being terrible. Yesterday was hubby's birthday and we went out to eat. I ate 4 small bites of salad and 10 shrimp. Brought the potaote and Hush puppies home, along with 3 shrimp. I have to admit that I was bad tonight. I ate the shrimp and the potatoe with my piece of steak. I gave the hush puppies to hubby. I was starving. I had breakfast (7 chicken nuggets) at 11 am and only some peanuts until we ate supper at 7:15pm. I think I should start eating something about every 5 hrs and see if that keeps the starving feeling from happening. I have nothing in the house to "graze" on and that's a good thing. If it's not here, I can't eat it. I have to go to the grocery tomorrow and get more chicken. Gonna have to keep myself in check and stay out of the snack aisles. Lord give me strength.

Why am Iso obcessed with food? I think that I wake up thinking about when I can eat and what I can eat. While I'm eating I think about when I can eat again and what I can have. Inbetween, I'm thinking about what to drink and how much I have left to drink for the day. It has been two months since I was banded.You would think it would be better by now. I get a second fill tomorrow and I know I am going to be chastized for not doing better .My clothes fit better and I seem to have more energy, but I am just so obcessed with food. Motivation seems to be a problem too. And the more my family talks about my "diet", the less control I seem to have. What is the matter withme? Am I ever going to get myself in check? I feel like a whiney brat writing this.

I am home now. Got home yesterday and the house is still standing. I stepped on my scales and I have gained 3 lbs. I thought I had done better than that. I figured I had at least maintained at her house. Weigh in Wednesday is not gonna be good. It was really depressing for me to see the scale. I found myself searching for something to eat. I found the bag of cheese puff and kinda pigged out on them. Afterward the guilt set in. What a vicious circle this is. Will I ever defeat it. Right now I don't feel confidant. all I can do is try again.

Today has been a good day. not only did I beat my daughter in Scrabble twice ( as well as the two times last night and the three times night before last), I went to the movies and did not a tub of buttered popcorn and large soda. I snuck a bottle of water in and just had part of that. It worked out well. Then we spent 2 hours in a traffic jam trying to get home. We finally got to Full Moon BarBQue and I got the half chicken. That gives me chicken for tonight and for breakfast in the morning. I did cheat though. I had fried onion rings too and I ate 2/3 of them. I also had some ice cream last night. I am doing better but not good enough. And I know it. Food addicts. It is hard.

Am at daughter's house today. Her surgery went well and she is doing much, much better than I thought she would be. That is a very good thing. I feel I have been a help.I plan to stay until Friday or Saturday, if hubby doen't self-destruct before then. I made what my daughter calls Paleo jambolya last night, with her help of course. Didn't care for the sausage part but really liked the chicken, shrimp, and broth part. It was served over califlower "rice" that was actually very good. Don't think hubby would like the "rice" but may try the jambolya on him. I'm afraid I'm a little bored here. It's not my house so I'm trying to not step on her toes and do something to make her uncomfortable. Am getting more exercise here cause I have to actually walk her dog and i can't sit any when i cook . That is a real challenge because it hurts so much. My knees and my back kill me. But she needs me and I want to be here, so I am going to do it. Have to call hubby 4-5 times a day. He whines a lot but he is doing ok. I don't know what the big deal is. You would think he had never been alone. He calls and tells me what he ate and I tell him how much medication to take.have to admit house stays cleaner when he is not here, too.I don't think I'm eating too much here. I don't think I'm eating exactly right. but not too bad either. Guess time will tell. Go for second fill next Wednesday. I hope that will help with my hunger.. Will write more later.

Fixed homemade chili for supper tonight. I know it's hot outside, but hubby loves it. I thought it was a little spicy, but he said it was good. Of course, it cou taste like s--- and he would say it's good. I've only had a few dishes that he has not eaten. After 41 years, I can tell when he doesn't like something. Have not been very good today. I am probably over my calorie limit. I had my usual chicken nuggets for breakfast. That's okay. but then I've had two servings of Cheese Puffs, a few peanuts, a cookie, 4 Ritz crackers, and about 1 cup of chili. I know that's more than I'm supposed to have. I am such a junkie. The food just calls to me. I know that sounds atrange. No! I'm not crazy. I just can't seem to resist. I tell myself no but then I eat anyway. It is much less than I used to eat. And I know I don't like the way I feel when I'm too full,but I do it anyway. The only good thing that has happened in last few days is that at least I'm not constipated. I also have not walked on treadmill today. I did clean out the freezer and throw away a bunch of freezer-burned food. At least that was constructive. I am looking forward to going to daughter's house next week even though I know she will be hurting and probably be bitchy. I guess I would be too if I were her. She will keep me more focused. Made appointment for next fill (Aug 3). Looking forward to it as I hope it will give me restriction and help me stay on the straight and narrow.

Today has been a day of firsts. To start with, I actually walked on the treadmill this afternoon. I won't lie. It made my knees and my back hurt. I only made 1/2 mile at a speed of 1.7 mph, but it's a start. I'm gonna try to walk every day. If all I can do is 1/2 mile to start, so be it. Maybe I can try walking twice a day. Go to daughter's house next weekend, so i guess I'll have to walk outside at her house. The heat will limit how much I walk there. The second thing I tried is spaghetti squash with spaghetti sauce on it. It was a lot like eating pasta, just a little sweeter. Made me wonder what spaghetti sauce and cheese ( you know, like macaroni and cheese) would taste like. I got some left over cooked squash so I think I may check it out tomorrow. The last thing is I took some Miralax tonight. I have got to find the secret to this constipation thing. I'm tired of going to the bathroom with the urge and only passing gas. I burp like I'm drinking beer at the bar and I fart like a mule eating hay. Laugh as you may, I'm afraid I'm going to do either one at the most in-opportune time possible. I hope the walking will help this too. I wonder if Beano would help . I'm trying to eat slowwwww and chew extra well to see if that will help with the belching. If anyone reads this and has any suggestions, feel free to give them.

Went to group meeting tonight. I enjoyed it even though it was mainly a rah-rah meeting. They all are. We are supposed to be doing this "Back On Track" program but all the meetings so far have been the same. I still go. I need the rah-rah. I take notes and listen intently. What I get out of them is this: the lapband takes commitment, conviction, and diligence. The odds are that we will all slip with our diets within the first 6-9months. The test will be if we pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start all over again. A 12 step program teaches you one day at a time. I think this is true for Bandsters. Food is a drug for me. It gives me comfort. I crave certain foods. I feel like my body need them. These cravings are better but I still have them. The hunger thing is getting better too. I have to be very careful or I'll over eat. then I pay for it by feeling miserable. My brother had LapBand procedure 1 week before me and he is having a completely different experience than me. He's a little weird any way. Correction. He's a lot weird. So far everything he has told me he can't eat, I have at least tried with no problems. He can't eat shrimp. I can but don't really like the taste/texture once I've chew, chew, chewed it. I've eaten fried chicken, too. Just chewed it extra well and didn't eat the skin.Gonna try spaghetti squash tomorrow night with some spaghetti sauce. Daughter says it's good. Maybe it will help the pasta craving. Well, that's ablut all for now. Will write more later.

Well, made it back from B'ham without problems. I did cheat though. Hubby and I went to CheeseCake Factory for supper Saturday night. I did well for supper. I only ate a piece of steak, rwo onion rings,and 4-5 french fries. My downfall was the chocolate brownie cheese cake I ate for dessert. I ate half of it Sautrday night and the other half Sunday night. Sunday night was bad. I am going to remember how bad I felt after eating the cheesecake that night. Being in the car driving home Sunday I did not drink enough fluids and I am trying to make up for it today. I can tell when I have pushed my eating limit. The burping becomes ridiculous and the flatulence that comes later is also bad. I would like to promise that I will be good eating wise, but I know I can't. I know that I will slip again. It is the nature of an addict, which I am a food addict. But I am going to be extra aware of what I do and eat. Am going back to B'ham in two weeks to care for daughter after she has procedure done. I hope hubby will stay home. Since daughter does Paleo diet, I think it will be easier to stay on a good diet at her house. If he's not there, I will cook better. Will write again later .

Well, I survived my first fill. Now have 3.5cc inmy band. Seems like such a small amount. I am to be on full liquids for 24 hours then back to regular. Feeling sorry for myself because I am hungry now. Guess I'll just have to grina and bear it. It didn't hurt but my port site is now burning a little. I know that will improve too. Have not lost anything since I weighed at doctor's office 1 week post-op. I am disappointed. But truth is, I have not exercised. I have dramatically reduced my eating, I know. But I guess I have not cut the calories down enough. I want this so bad. I want it to magically happen. But I know it's not. I keep giving myself a pep talk, but it has not stuck yet. Confessions of a food addict. As with any addiction, I must take it one day at a time.

I'm now at the 1 month mark. Been an interesting day. I am drinking Benefiber every day, but i realized yesterday that I had not had a BM in several days. So yesterday I took a laxative. It didn't work. So today I took the laxative again along with Benefiber. I had been told before this that I could take a stool softener if I first dissolved it in hot water. So I put two in some hot waster, dissolved them and drank it down. BIG MISTAKE! It was horrible. It burned the back of my throat for the longest time. I even ate some cottage cheese to see if I could make it better. It took quite a while for my throat to feel better. Long story short, something finally worked. But I think that it should have worked better. I may have to give in and get some Milk of Magnesia. If I can drink the melted pills, I can get MOM down. Food wise, I'm doing fair to good. I ate too much for dinner and I'm paying for it. The burping is ridiculous. And each burp feels like I should be throwing up. I am such an addict/food hog that I often have a hard time stopping eating. Sometimes I wait until no one is watching and eat more. Tis what I did tonight and I am paying for it. You'd think I'd learn. If I were the type that could throw up on cue I'd do it, even though I have never liked to do that. I go for my first fill Tuesday. I don't think I've lost any weight. Pretty sure I haven't. Know I'm gonna get fussed at and I deserve it. If I don't get a better grip on myself, I'll never lose this weight. I will write more after the fill. Hope it doesn't hurt.

I'm not sure how to write about my feelings today. I realized today that hubby is some of my problem. He is very supportive of my banding and my diet. And, bless him, he has lost 5 lbs since my surgery. So I guess my diet has changed his diet. He is still having hia fried pies and honey buns, just not as often. What I mean is that I think some of my inactivity is because of his inactivity. Take today for example. I thought he was going to go to a doctor's appointment and then to the bank. I had planned to go with him. Instead he said he didn't feel well, again, anfd had me reschedule his appointment. He makes me feel like I'd be a real heel if I left him alone. So instead I just went back to bed and went to sleep. The truth is that I really don't think he'd mind If I had somewhere to go. I'd just have to tell him all about it when I got back home. .You know, where I went, who I saw, what i did, what I said, what they said. I guess that's why I don't go. I don't want to play twenty questions when I get back. We live on his income and I feel like I have to ask him for money and things, even after 41 years. I know I should grow a pair but I can't seem to get past it. I know this blog seems to have nothing to do with banding but it does. Banding has made me more aware of my feelings and how they affect my eating (head hunger). And if I don't address my feelings, all the bands in the world will not help. The chat room helps too even if I don't talk much there. At least I am communicating with others. Tomorrow is another day. I think it will be better.

Well,it has now been 24 days since I was banded and some times it feels like it was forever ago. I know I am eating a lot less than I did before but I am still dealing a great deal with head hunger. I suppose it will always be that way. Being able to come here and talk to others has helped. I still cheat. I had a cookie yesterday and today. There is a time not so long ago that I would have eaten more than one. I also had some ice cream tonight. It's like it calls to me, "Psssst! Hey you! You know you want me. It'll be alright." I know I have lost in size because I wore a blouse and pair of pants that I haven't worn in quite a while to church Sunday. I wore my hair pinned up and people were telling me I looked different. Most don't know I've been banded. My other milestone is that I went to Sam's Club saturday and actually walked through it. I have been having to ride the Old Fart's cart for the last year because it hurt so much to walk. I also walked tonight when I had to go to the grocery to pick up a few things. Small victories. I know some would not think of these things as victories. I am going to try to get motivated to go check out Curves tomorrow or Wednesday. And after my first fill I am going to see about going back to aquatic fitness at the indoor pool. I did that 7 years ago and really enjoyed it. I had even started lap swimming. I gave up and gave in and stopped going. It's hard to get motivated again. Every night I go to bed with good intentions for tomorrow. Tomorrow comes and I just can't seem to get myself to do anything. I can't seem to get up the nerve to leave the house. I think the problem is that I have not actually set a goal. If anybody reads this post and has any suggestions to help get me off my butt, I'll gladly hear them. I need to get out of this depression I seem to stay in too. I know I'm good for something,but I just haven't found it. Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Been almost three weeks since I was banded. Still feel great. Talked to another bandster last night at church. She is 1 1/2 years out and she is still not at goal. I don't know whether to be anxious about the future or not. The other thing is my first fill coming up on the 5th of July. I don't like needles. Now I'm learning that Fills involve more needles than I originally thought. Makes me a little scared. I think I have done well diet wise today. Fixed ribs and french fries for hubby. I did eat the meat off several ribs. Probably blew my carb count with the sauce but I only ate 4 french fries and there was a time I would have made sure there was nothing left. Clothes fit different, better but the scales don't show any weight loss. The belching is still a problem. I do it a lot, big burps too. Farts are pretty spectacular too. Afraid either one might happen at a most embarassing time. Have to deal with that if the time ever comes. I think it would embarass hubby more that me.

Was a little more active today. Went to church this evening. First time there since banding. Did not eat there. They had hot dogs and did not feel like just eating the weiner. So hubby and I went to Shoneys and ate off the food bar. It was good but I didn't eat enough to warrant the price (first time for everything). Next time I.m gonna make sure I order off the Senior menu or off the child's menu. Didn't drink until a hour after just like I'm supposed to. so I guess you could say I had a good day.

Another day In the life of a new bandster. Too hot to got outside. Still have not gotten mentally motivated to do anything inside. Each morning I get up with the best intentions. I think today I'll start that quilt, or that scrapbook. I think today I'll walk on that treadmill. And by evening, I have done nothing. What do others do to get motivated ? Used to love to bake and cook, but that is not a good thing for someone as large as me to do. And I am not supposed to eat things like that with the band or with carbs and sugar like bread, cake, casseroles,etc. Of course my hubby is not happy that I am not wanting to cook. That's ok though because he is big too and could stand to lose a bunch. He is not a candidate for the band because of his other health issues as well as the fact that I know he will not put down the cigarettes. My surgeon will not do the surgery unless you have quit smoking at least 2 months before. He has promised to quit too many times for me to even assume he would quit now. And the last time he went for more than four days without one, he was almost impossible to live with ( and he had a nicotine patch on). I was a smoker, just not as much as he . I quit the end of November 2010. I know it's hard, esp. when your spouse is smoking around you. Giving him a hard time doesn't do anything but aggravate him. So I leave it alone. Oh, well, guess if I don't cook, he can't eat unless he goes out. Had my usual chicken nuggets for my meal about 1 pm. Gonna fix ham for dinner but don't know what I'll have with it. Figure that out later. I'll close for now. Write tomorrow.

Doing better eating wise today, but the day is far from over . It's just 6:00pm. My problem comes about 9 or 10. I find myself searching for something to eat. I know I'm not in need of food, but I feel driven to eat. It doesn't have to be sweet. Salty is good too. Salty and crunchy is even better .Have got to get a handle on this addiction or getting the band will be for nothing. Writing here seems to help. Wonder if others have this problem and how they deal with it.

Another day, another challenge. My older brother, God rest his soul, used to get fresh sweet corn from the farmers he called on. He would then give me a call and my family and his would get together and eat corn on the cob til it came out our ears (figuratively, ha, ha). We used to laugh at how many ears of corn I could eat at one setting. I think back and realize now I shouldn't have been laughing. My sister-in-law called today to say she had some sweet corn and did I want some. Foolish question. Of course I want it. But now, with the band, I have to think about what I eat. Corn is a carb and it also has that hull. I could probably eat it with out problems right now since I haven't had my first fill, but I need to start establishing good habits now. So I said no. Hubby not a big corn fan, so he was OK with it. I have to learn to eat right, not for memories. I felt sad, but proud of myself for turning her down The first step in dealing with my addiction..

Was reading other blogs today and it got me thinking. I have said many times that I was addicted to food, but not until today have I realized that I am a food addict. Been banded 16 days now and it has made me very aware of everything I put in my mouth. If addictive personalities run in families, then I can see that I am an addict. My father was an alcoholic as was my older brother. Second brother was addicted to perscription narcotics. I used to pride myself that I did neither of those. But now I see that I was not immune. I can sit here and blame it on my childhood traumas ( do not wish to go into those here) but it comes down to personal responsibilities. No one forced me to become this obese. I want and I need to lose this weight, as much as I can, be it 60 lbs or 160lbs. I know I need to get support everyday for my journey. I don't think very many people read these blogs so I don't expect much in the way of responses. I just want to write down my feelings, my goals,and my successes or failures in order to continue on. Maybe I can read my entries in a few months and see I am getting better.

Well, it's been two weeks since I was banded. The last five days have been good, even though I have fudged a little. My sca,es say I've even lost a pound or two. But now hubby is home. I feel like everything is now in s state of disrepair since his arrival. I know this is not his intention. I am sure it is my problem. But he asks me what I have eaten, when I last ate, why I am not eating more, etc. His questions, his messiness, the disruption seems to make me just want to eat, eat, eat. I have got to find a way to cope with my feelings. I don't want to become a grouch but I feel it coming. I know he doesn't mean to make me feel this way and it really never bothered me before. Now I feel so obsessed with what I eat, what I can't eat, when I can eat, when I can't eat, that having to deal with someone else in the house seems stressful. Did not realize it until I was by myself for 6 days. I don't want him to leave. I have missed him. Maybe just talking here will help. Does anyone else ever feel obsessed over food?

Quit smoking 6 months ago. Unfortunately, I still think about it every day. It is getting better. so, hang in there. If I can do it, you can do it.

In response to my eating at IHOP,,,,,My surgeon is different. First 4-7 days post-op is full liguids, When you fell a little hungry you try a soft food like scrambled egg. If that goes well, you go straight to meat (chewy). Everyone is always amazed how fast I went to chewy.

Nine days since being banded. When I write it down, it make me realize how short a time it has been. I feel great.Finally had a good BM, and according to my father, that should make you feel really better. Diet going OK. Had cantalope and cottage cheese for breakfast and five pieces of BBQ flavored Chicken chunks for lunch 4hrs later. Also had some Chocolat pudding about 2hrs ago. OK! OK! So it wasn't sugar-free. I promise to do better. Hubby has gone to help daughter with her house reconstruction. Will probably be up there thru Friday, so I plan to be good. Having a hard time with Head hunger Vs real hunger. Maybe I'll get motivated and start a project to get my mind on other things. Will write more later.