DrmBig4Evr

My official intro, you may know me as DrmBig4Evr, or Kathryn, but allow me to introduce to you The High Heeled Ninja Assasin.
 
Going through the official pre-operation phases from research to pre-authorization, approval and now finally pre-op status I have gone through a number of emotions. I know all of us have pre and post op.
 
In reflecting on this past week I realized a number of items I wanted to blog about, but didn't get around to it. This morning I realized the best way to do this is to write this blog and title it appropriately.
 
All of my life I have been known as a fighter, a fighter against adversity. Now, I realize that is not enough. Why fight adversity to gain a "normal" sense of life when I can go up against my fears, additions (food/abuse), problems full force as a ninja and break through each one and move FORWARD?? I've been living my life the wrong way.
 
A little background on my past, but this past does not define me...
 
* Teen mother
* College Graduate
* Abbusive Relationships
* Supportive Family
* Narcissistic Husband
* Overweight
* Single Mom of 2 beautiful boys, turning 11 & 18 at the most appropriate time, the weekend of my surgery
* Professional & Strong Woman
 
I have allowed the above "classifications" define who I am. I thought I was embracing adversity and overcoming it when I should have fought through it and kept moving. There are those to remind me that I am too young to have an 18 year old and to them I say simply, I know. However, I noticed that I also have appeased my biggest interloper, my ex-husband (Nov 2012), by giving into his demands and putting my life on hold as not to "rock the boat". When I decided on this journey it was mainly for quality of life puroses, medically speaking, but what I have realized I've gained is a change of a QUALITY LIFE.
 
You may be wondering about the title of my blog. Well, obviously the ninja assasin may be self-explanatory. I will overcome AND advance forward very calculated and strategically. However, the high heeled part is specific to the abuse I have received over the last 13 years of my life. The physical abuse stopped about 10 years ago, thankfully, but the emotional, financial, and manipulative ways continue on today. I have clawed my way out and I am finally seeing a light. I was told I do not look good in heels, but I LOVE wearing them. I am not too tall, but not short either. 5'5.5" with 3" heels would make me as tall as many men. Being overweight, heels made me feel pretty. I used to blame my ex for his opinions stating it was his insecurities. Typical Napoleon complex in my opinion. However, I bowed to the abusive behavior, I started buying more flats, and why not I had back problems anyway. I didn't realize how upset I was about this control until I was faced with attending a R&B concert and I "asked" if I could wear heels with my dress and I was told no, I look unnatural. WHAT???????? I wore flats and rocked them, noticing I was the only one with them on. NOW? Its time for ME. I am going in full force with my heels on assasinating any negativity and facing adversity like a Ninja!

My official intro, you may know me as DrmBig4Evr, or Kathryn, but allow me to introduce to you The High Heeled Ninja Assasin.
 
Going through the official pre-operation phases from research to pre-authorization, approval and now finally pre-op status I have gone through a number of emotions. I know all of us have pre and post op.
 
In reflecting on this past week I realized a number of items I wanted to blog about, but didn't get around to it. This morning I realized the best way to do this is to write this blog and title it appropriately.
 
All of my life I have been known as a fighter, a fighter against adversity. Now, I realize that is not enough. Why fight adversity to gain a "normal" sense of life when I can go up against my fears, additions (food/abuse), problems full force as a ninja and break through each one and move FORWARD?? I've been living my life the wrong way.
 
A little background on my past, but this past does not define me...
 
* Teen mother
* College Graduate
* Abbusive Relationships
* Supportive Family
* Narcissistic Husband
* Overweight
* Single Mom of 2 beautiful boys, turning 11 & 18 at the most appropriate time, the weekend of my surgery
* Professional & Strong Woman
 
I have allowed the above "classifications" define who I am. I thought I was embracing adversity and overcoming it when I should have fought through it and kept moving. There are those to remind me that I am too young to have an 18 year old and to them I say simply, I know. However, I noticed that I also have appeased my biggest interloper, my ex-husband (Nov 2012), by giving into his demands and putting my life on hold as not to "rock the boat". When I decided on this journey it was mainly for quality of life puroses, medically speaking, but what I have realized I've gained is a change of a QUALITY LIFE.
 
You may be wondering about the title of my blog. Well, obviously the ninja assasin may be self-explanatory. I will overcome AND advance forward very calculated and strategically. However, the high heeled part is specific to the abuse I have received over the last 13 years of my life. The physical abuse stopped about 10 years ago, thankfully, but the emotional, financial, and manipulative ways continue on today. I have clawed my way out and I am finally seeing a light. I was told I do not look good in heels, but I LOVE wearing them. I am not too tall, but not short either. 5'5.5" with 3" heels would make me as tall as many men. Being overweight, heels made me feel pretty. I used to blame my ex for his opinions stating it was his insecurities. Typical Napoleon complex in my opinion. However, I bowed to the abusive behavior, I started buying more flats, and why not I had back problems anyway. I didn't realize how upset I was about this control until I was faced with attending a R&B concert and I "asked" if I could wear heels with my dress and I was told no, I look unnatural. WHAT???????? I wore flats and rocked them, noticing I was the only one with them on. NOW? Its time for ME. I am going in full force with my heels on assasinating any negativity and facing adversity like a Ninja!

The link to my recent blog on Transfer Addictions

When I went through my pre-op diet I was hungry, irritated, and seriously reconsidering what I was about to do. I decided that if I could not get through what my surgeon wanted me to do before the surgery - exactly- that I was not mentally ready for weight loss surgery. I did it. I never strayed from the guidelines and I lost 12 pounds and felt really good about it the night before my surgery.
 
I know so many people personally that "try to beat the system". They figure out what they can get away with eating. Then they are stunned when the scale stalls or shows pounds gained. This surgery does not control what is brought to your mouth. For only a short time will it control how much of that food goes to your new stomach. This surgery is a great tool to give me a chance to break the cycles of bad habits. I haven't had fast food (pizza, McDonalds, Subway............) since January 6, 2013. Of course I miss it. But I will never give them a dime of my money again. I feel betrayed actually. All the money I have wasted on that garbage food- and in return I get 100 plus pounds of excess weight to carry.
 
I am not going to try to see what I can get away with. I am serious about getting healthy. So the only foods I eat will be what the bariatric surgeon says I can. High protein/ low fat and low carbs.
 
Mentally I have created an atmosphere for success. I go to support groups once a month for weight loss surgery. And I go to overeaters anonymous and I have a behavior therapist to visit 2x month. Matters of weight take place in the mind and this surgery does not take place in your head.

Well, it's here. Day 13 of my pre-op diet. I can't believe I didn't die. I really felt like I was going to a couple of times. That is that hardest thing I've ever had to do. And I cheated! I actually dreamed about tacos last Friday night. I woke up and realized that I was obsessing! So, I had a taco from my favorite Mexican restaurant. Oh well. At least it was off my mind then.
 
I'm so weak that I almost crawled up the stairs to my classroom this morning. I get no protein today. Only clear liquids. I've had a sore throat since last Wednesday thanks to the dry desert that I live in, so the cough drops are what is saving me today.
 
I'm very, very (did I say very?) emotional. I feel like I could cry at any moment. I think it's because I'm just so tired. I'm also a little pissed at my husband this week. This is a very stressful process. So, when I get home today I'm going to go to my room and cry. Just get it all out. I know I will feel so much better!
 
I have prepared everything at work for my two day absence. Thank goodness Monday is a holiday. I also have an intern coming in next week to help me out or just to be present. Luckily, my job is not physically demanding and my kids know what I'm going through. They have been very supportive.
 
I haven't packed a thing for the hospital. I figure I won't be able to sleep tonight, so I will leave it for then. I bought pretty new jammies and a robe. I'll take slippers because the biggest fear I have is gas pain! So I'm going to walk as soon as the pain meds clear from my brain.
 
Speaking of pain meds...this is my biggest fear. I hate being drugged. Pain or no pain, I just don't like it. I took Motrin with both of my kids and it was fine. I really hope I don't have to have much tomorrow. I don't want to be a martyr, but I don't want to be spacy and loopy either.
 
A less serious fear is the discerning comments that my husband has made. Twice he has mentioned something about getting skinny and finding someone else. Makes me think he is a little insecure. I'm a little happy that he would worry. Maybe he should pay a little more attention.
 
Anyway, here we go. A brand new journey. I feel like I'm at the airport and they're going to call my flight number any minute. I love to fly!

Just got the call from my bank!! I'm approved!! SURGERY IS OFFICALLY A GO! I never thought this would happen so fast! It's something I just started really investigating in January, and it looks like I'll be signed tomorrow, and can schedule surgery as early as the end of this month...
Funny, all those nervous feelings are gone- I'm totally confident in the choice I'm making, and frankly, I'm ready to have my LIFE BACK.
I'll keep you posted!!

Really struggling today, this bronchitus of the airways is terrible, you dont coff, you splutter and gasp to breath and my throat is so soar too.
Anyway, health report over, i will recover and i need to because today out of the blue i received a letter from my heamatologist with my blood test reults.
Hubby has hotfooted it to the hospital to hand the letter in to my surgeon, who will be ringing me next week, well my nurse will, and as she doesn't work mondays it will be tuesday.
The blood tests show that i have got the lupus coagulant in my blood, and rather than my blood not clotting quick enough, this messes with the test and my blood actually is more likely to clot too much.
I can have my op but will need to be on anti clotting meds for 2-3 weeks after surgery.
I need to now see a rhumatologist about the lupus but have to be referred by my gp, passing the book yet again.
My 80 year old mom has decided to go into a nursing home after another infection where she ended up in hospital.
This is going to keep me busy mentally over the next month or so and a lot of physical work by my husband, our two sons and hubbies brother to empty moms bungalow.
It is very difficult when this has to be faced in life, it is something that she never wanted or me, but she needs 24 hour nursing care and i cant give it to her, so a nhs funded nursinf home is the only answer.
I think i am too ill and emotionally drained to be excited or otherwise about my op at the moment.
I had it in my head to have it in march, no later, but seeing as they only do 2 ops per week on one day a week am hoping they havnt scheduled march yet and i have time to get better and start my 2 week pre op diet before march begins, ready for the first date in march.
I went to my support group last night and they are a brilliant bunch of people who are cheering me on, and i know i am very blessed to have them, and i have a group of christian friends who are praying for me and supporting me too.
I think i will only believe it is happening when im actually wheeled into the operating room, lol.
Did i say, i had my hair cut 2 weeks ago, really short with a short fringe and spiky and everyone says it makes me look younger, and i love how easy it is to do.
I have had a pic taken of me with a white furry hat that looks like a dalmation head and everyone says i looked nice in it so for the first time in years i have my face on my facebook account. Not ready dor the body yet though.
I always said when my face was thinner that i would have my hair cut and have surprised myself by having it cut now. I have even begun to wear make up when i go out and its made me realise how much i had given up on myself, so i feel younger as well as looking younger.
I have told hubby to smarten himself up too and have bought him some younger looking clothes so we match more, dont want my man wearing bobbly flecees-jacket and jumper when he takes me out, he has spruced up well, i have a well dressed handsome silver fox on my arm now, just wait while i loose my weight, i think his little belly will have to go, lol.
I am determined to do all i should to loose the weight healthly and to maintain it, i dont want to be putting any weight lost back on, i know it can happen and am aware that the sleeve is a tool that only works when you use it correctly, and i will need to deal with comfort eating and weak will and eating chocolate or puddings to comfort me.
I have seen how the sucsessful people work at it, and i want to be one of those people, i want the new me and the new life it will bring.
I was talking to a lady last night who has had the bypass and she told me that what she eats now is the same that a thin woman would have always eaten instead of the huge portions she used to eat that made her 27 stone = 27 x 14 lbs.
That made sense, the smaller stomach helps us to eat what our bodies need instead of what our stomachs demand, cant wait to get rid of the greedy part of my stomach and work with my new smaller stomach.
I will update next week and really hope it will all be good news now, bye for now, keep up the good work, because You are worth it, xxxx

It's starting to get harder and harder to track! Not because anything is hard, but because this surgery has become a life style change for me! I don't count calories, because I eat such small portions. THis week I've been eating pretty badly, but normally I make really good high protein choices. Every time mother nature comes around I immediately go for the bad stuff, but my sleeve doesnt let me binge eat. I take a bite of something and I'm done. It kills the craving and I move on. I'm hungry but nervous starving like I use to be. I'm so thankful for my sleeve. I still have a ways to go, but slowly and surely, I'm getting there- that happy place we all dream about pre-op.
 
Height: 5'9
 
Highest (Surgery) Weight: 216
 
1st Primary Goal Weight: 169 (Achieved 11/27)
2nd Optimal Goal Weight: 145
 
Sleeve Journey:
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 8/17/12- PreOp/Surgery Day w/Pics Posted in Blog
Week 1 (8/24): 204.8 (-11.2)
Week 2 (8/31): 200.6 (-4.2)
Week 3 (9/7): 196.8 (-3.8)
Week 4 (9/14): 193.5 (-3.3)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 9/17/12- 1 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-22.5 lbs)
Week 5 (9/21): 191.6 (-1.9)
Week 6 (9/28): 190.1 (-1.5)
Week 7 (10/5): 187.0 (-3.1)
Week 8 (10/12): 181.9 (-5.1)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 10/17/12- 2 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-11.6 lbs)
Week 9 (10/19): 181.4 (-.5)
Week 10 (10/26): 177.9 (-3.5)
Week 11 (11/02): 176.8 (-1.1)
Week 12 (11/09): 174.7 (-2.1)
Week 13 (11/16): 173.3 (-1.4)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 11/17/12- 3 Month Anniversary w/Pics Posted in Blog (-8.6 lbs)
Week 14 (11/23): 173.1 (-.2)
Week 15 (11/30): 167.3 (-5.8)
Week 16 (12/7): 168.1 (+.8)
Week 17 (12/14): 164.6 (-3.5)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 12/17/12- 4 Month Anniversary (-8.7 lbs)
Week 18 (12/21): Holiday Break/Vacation- No Scale Available
Week 19 (12/28): Holiday Break/Vacation- No Scale Available
Week 20 (1/4/13): 164.5 (-.1)
Week 21 (1/11): 161.5 (-3.0)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~> 01/17/13- 5 Month Anniversary (-3.1 lbs)
Week 22 (1/18): 161.7 (+.2)
Week 23 (1/25): 158.7 (-3.0)
Week 24 (2/1): Out of town- No scale Available
Week 25 (2/8): 157.2 (-1.5)

I started this journey for a change. From the time learned about what a gastric sleeve was (on 10 Nov), within 16 days, I had read extensively about it, drilled a friend of mine who had the procedure and paid over $15,000 cash for my very own sleeve.... Why, because I was tired...tired of the struggle....

December 5, 2012.
The first day of the rest of my life.
The last few days have been very dark days.
I've been in a stall for a about 5 days now, and this is my second stall in 8 weeks.
My highest weight was 242.2 and starting weight was 239.8.
I've been stuck at 205 + or - 2-3 lbs.
 
Today is my 8 week surgiversary. Today I am feeling much different than the few weeks, even the last 5 days. I have learned so much about my body as well as food, nutrition, and life in these last few weeks.
 
Today I hit 100 oz of fluids. Prior to today I might have hit 50-60 on a good day.
Today I hit my protein.
Today I walked over 2 miles in under 40 minutes.
Today I ran on the treadmill. I haven't 'ran' in almost 10 years...
Today I made healthy choices.
 
I have had sooo many struggles.
EVERY SINGLE MEAL is a challenge. (anyone else?)
Every meal is a new opportunity to choose the best food for my body.
I am sooo far from perfect, and have struggled every single day.
 
Today I put the scale away.
Today I will focus on being healthy.
Today I will focus on exercise and going forward.
Today I will focus on being happy and living in the moment.
My hunger has NOT gone away, however I can say that it is NOT the same kind of hunger as pre-surgery.
Music has been my healing power.
I hate plain water, and most protein shakes.
 
I have learned that I am a strong woman, but I have a lot of dark demons that haunt me, I have many issues that I am always going to struggle with, but I am NOT going to let them beat me or get me down...I have done that for way too long.
 
Thank GOODNESS for the amazing people who post on this website as they are and have been extremely supportive and I have learned so much from the many others who are taking a walk on this journey. I don't always post, but I read others posts and comments daily.
 
Cheers to the rest of my healthy life!

I found a poem a few years ago after coming back from a mission trip to Africa.... I came acrossed it again today and it helped calmed my nerves for my appointment tomorrow.
 

BE THANKFUL


 

Be thankful that you don't already have everything you desire,



If you did, what would there be to look forward to?


 

Be thankful when you don't know something



For it gives you the opportunity to learn.


 

Be thankful for the difficult times.



During those time you grow.


 

Be thankful for your limitations



Because they give you opportunities for improvement.


 

Be thankful for each new challenge



Because it will build your strength and character.


 

Be thankful for your mistakes



They will teach you valuable lessons.


 

Be thankful when you're tired and weary



Because it means you've made a difference.


 

It is easy to be thankful for the good things.



A life of rich fulfillment comes to hose who are



also thankful for the setbacks.


 

GRATITUDE can turn a negative into a positive.



Find a way to be thankful for your troubles



and they can become your blessings.



~Author Unknown~


 
When I am going through my highs and lows throughout this process I am going to try and remember this.

Ok, here I am a year and a half later!!! I have changed employers and landed a better job and found out that I may have a chance to undergo lapband! So we shall see! I have my nutritionist & psych eval Friday, had my physical and blood work done, EKG etc today! I already had my physician letters together from the last insurance process, so I am keeping my fingers crossed...if this doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. I have been under a supervised weight loss program and I have been having success, albeit very slow and has extreme ups and downs. I am at peace with whatever decision is made...very hopeful to get all of this taken care of and live a normal, energetic and exciting life!!!

Ok, here I am a year and a half later!!! I have changed employers and landed a better job and found out that I may have a chance to undergo lapband! So we shall see! I have my nutritionist & psych eval Friday, had my physical and blood work done, EKG etc today! I already had my physician letters together from the last insurance process, so I am keeping my fingers crossed...if this doesn't happen, then it wasn't meant to be. I have been under a supervised weight loss program and I have been having success, albeit very slow and has extreme ups and downs. I am at peace with whatever decision is made...very hopeful to get all of this taken care of and live a normal, energetic and exciting life!!!