Hi sweetie... first of all, I'd like to say that I think I understand some of how you are feeling. I don't have a surgery date yet, my consult is the 12th, but I am expecting to have surgery 3-4 weeks after that. Even just knowing that it is coming, I think I am starting to mourn the loss a bit - the loss of eating what I want, when I want. Even though I WANT this, that is a loss I have to mourn and I think I am doing that by eating junk and eating too much and feeling super full - because I won't want/be able to do that after surgery. I realize what's causing my behavior, but it still makes me feel depressed, sad, and mad at myself. I think it also gives me a fear of failure... like, if I can't have the right attitude right now, how do I know I can have the right attitude after surgery?? This might be where the depression is coming from. That fear of failure. But I have to realize this is a process, and mourning the loss is part of that process. I don't know if this is the same for you, but wanted to put that out there in case it is.
Also, quitting smoking is a REALLY big deal. I have never been a smoker, but I have seen how hard it is for people to quit. My parents smoked for 35+ years and they both quit in 2001. I am so proud of them and their lives have changed so much. I think all addictions have so much control over us - especially food. You are about to try to conquer TWO major addictions in your life at once - give yourself the credit and recognize that this is a big deal. It's a lot to take on at once, and you're doing it, and that is a struggle. You are not a failure if you feel like it's really hard to do both of these things at once - it IS hard! I know you can succeed though, and when you do, embrace the feeling of accomplishment because you deserve that.
I don't know anything about your boyfriend, your relationship, how you feel about him etc - but from a complete outside opinion based on what you wrote.... if he is a trigger for bad habits in your life, maybe it is time to let go. The things you have to take on are going to be difficult, and having support is great..... but better to be alone than to be with someone who makes it even harder. In yourself you can find support but if someone is pulling you down, that is an extra challenge that you just don't need right now - you are facing enough challenges as it is. Just my view from the outside.
I wish I could give you the hug that you need!! But I'm in Colorado By the way I am about 310lbs right now and it's also the highest for me, I was down in the 230's 3 years ago and missing that so much. Just so you know you look fantastic in your photos and I wish I looked as hot as you at this weight!!