butterflymackey

I decided to get weightloss surgery after being over 250 lbs for 5 years with several failed diet attempts. I had hypertension, GERD, and fertility issues. I started off weighing 285. By the time I had surgery I was down to 268 lbs from my pre-surgery diet. Had my 4cc lapband done on 5/17/2006 in Omaha, NE. First fill 6/2006. .5 cc. Lost 30 lbs. by 6/2006. Got pregnant 7/2006. Yay fertility issue solved....faster than I had planned....but yay!! Had my son 3/2007. 228 lbs. postpartum. Had second fill done 6/2007. 1cc. Got pregnant AGAIN 11/2007. Um fertility issue solved...yay? Another baby? Really? Ok. Had to empty band this time due to complications. Moved to Texas 2/2008. Had my daughter 9/2008. Postpartum weight 238 lbs. I didn't have insurance that would cover Lap Band in TX so I had to find a new doctor that wouldn't charge me a ton out of pocket. By then I weighed 291 lbs. Had 3rd fill of 1cc done 7/22/09 for $150. Btw the doctor tells me, "I would have never done LapBand on you. You come see me when you have better insurance and I'll do a revision gastric bypass on you." I should have walked out right then and there but got the fill anyway. Well 1cc was too much too fast and my stoma swelled shut. After a week, I couldn't even swallow my saliva without throwing up. I had an ER visit and fill removed a week later for another $150. I was down to 279 by then. 12 lbs in one week! Yikes! 9/2009 pregnant AGAIN! GDI!!!! Really!? Fertility issue can go to hell!! So can the breast feeding myth!! 6/2010 had another daughter. 270 lbs postpartum. Ok so most of you will gasp when you hear the extremes I went to to have my band filled, but here goes....I worked in an ER as a secretary. A nurse did my fills for me. She was honestly better at doing them then the clinics were. We started slow. By 11/2011 I had filled to 1.75 cc. Great restriction, no problems. Now I'm down to 245 lbs. I moved back to NE where I started my journey. My problems: 1. I don't follow a good diet. When you go through the preop screening you get educated, motivated, supported, to eat right. Its been so long....I don't know where to start again. 2. I was diagnosed with adult ADD. My meds make me never want to eat. I could go all day so I often go for junk just to get some calories in. 3. I just got tested 6/2013 for vitamin deficiencies and I'm vitamin D and Calcium deficient. No doubt as a result of my bad eating habits. I feel like crap. My hair is falling out again. Bad skin. Fatigued all the time. Irritated, moody. 4. I started smoking again. Ugh. I know I know!!! I'll smoke instead of eat. Bad bad bad!! But I'm being honest here. 5. My life has fallen apart. In the small span of time I went from being happily married, spouse working making good money, going to school, making good money, good insurance to....having a horrible marriage with a husband who is mentally ill and had a back injury (yes same guy as before. hitting 11yr anniversary July 26) he only makes disability, my son was diagnosed with autism, part time work, government assistance.... I have Medicaid. I go to school again full time. I only have 2 years left for my bachelors of nursing degree. I have a band that I abuse. How do I get back on track? Where do I even start with all the other things on my plate (no pun intended)? I'm a horrible example of a Lap Band patient. I feel like such a lowlife. I need help. What can I do on my own to get healthy? Besides the obvious, to quit smoking.... Thanks I forgot to mention I was up to 304 lbs when the nurse started filling my band. So since 9/2010 I've lost 59 lbs.

You guys are amazing! I truly thought that by putting myself out there, I would get nothing but negativity and judgement. Boy was I wrong. Thank you for your kind words. no one offended me, and sometimes one needs a "tell it like it is" talking to. I just found out that my work offers a smoking cessation program for free. I'm going to take advantage of it ASAP. Just called and left a message. I am currently going to school for nursing. I think that's what makes me even more pissed about my behavior is that I of all people know what I SHOULD be doing. I sit and think, why the heck are you doing this to yourself? My self esteem, self worth and God forbid my self accountability are way off. I made a simple phone call to my surgeons office and behold Medicaid will cover my visit. I think what's really held me back from that phone call is now dealing with the consequences of explaining why I haven't and continue to be irresponsible and unsuccessful. My surgeon is a no bs kinda woman and I'm sure if she could she'd rip this band from my body. Just FYI, I do have an IUD. No more babies for me! I used to talk crap about people in my situation. Im fertile mrytle and dont expect anyone else to pay for my kids. My husband has just started getting a new regimen of treatment for his mental health and so far I have seen a glimpse of his former self. My son is on track with Autism intervention. You all are right, I have to start focusing on ME. No more pity party. I'm not that kind of person. I don't settle for this kind of life. So since last night: 1. I have decided to take accountability for the things I can control and stop boo hooing about things without making an effort that is required. 2. I have a plan to stop smoking. I will wait to hear back from the smoking cessation guy, or stalk his life until he gets back to me. For myself, my kids, money, and I hang my head as I say for the cancer patients I take care of. Yes, I said it. I work in a cancer treatment center as a CNA. I hate myself some days for putting myself at risk for what my patients are dying from all the time. How much more in your face could the potential consequences be? 3. I made an appt with my surgeon. I'll see her on July 26th. Hopefully she won't make me want to jump from a building. Maybe I need her swift kick in the butt. 4. I'm going to start forcing myself to eat. Summer is produce season, season of lean grilling meats. No excuse. Getting a food tracking app is on tonight's agenda. 5. Exercise. I actually get a lot of that with my job and school. I'm just going to make an effort to track it and be more consistent. They have apps for that too. 6. Lastly, I'm just going to keep rolling with the punches. The things I can't control can't define me. I choose how to handle them. I'm feeling so motivated right now! Thank you all so much. I'll keep in touch. Hugs!!!

Congrats!!!!