AlgernonAnon

Wow, what incredible replys to return to after all this time! Thank you all so much for sharing your feelings, it was really affirming to see that there were other intelligent women with my concerns. I ended up going with the gastric bypass about a year ago and I've been amazed at the surreal changes, as well as comforted by what remains unchanged. I'm half the weight I used to be, and the difference is amazing. I've found that these changes do not remove me from the body positive movement, but allows me to present my perspective (when the subject comes up) on body issues to people who would never have brought up the subject if I had still been my size. For me, my weight threatened my quality (and quanity) of life; for others thier quality of life is threatened by how others perceive thier weight. That is why I had the surgery, and that is why I still hold my body positivity princibles, uncomprimised by my weightloss. I'm totally at peace with that now. In the wake of all the Non-scale victories I've enjoyed, like crossing my knees when I sit, beating a friend at running up a flight of stairs, wearing boots that go around my calves, I realised that my weight loss was reaping me personal rewards far more than soicetal ones. With my degree of weightloss, I was a petite 5'3", 300 pounds, now 150, there is excess skin apparent in my arms and thighs, but I don't give it a second thought. Because this surgery was never about conforming to an ideal, but doing what was right for me. In that, I have succeeded, and it is satisfying!

I've read up on how our ideals of body type and shape of women are so often imposed ideals of a patriarchal society, how those ideals torment women and marginalize people. I've touted those ideas since I was in middle school, however fumbling my efforts were. I had been excluded for being fat and odd since grade school, and developed a dislike for the mainstream early on (starting with the popular girls of course.) I made friends with the freaks, geeks, and goths my whole life, I love them. I love the underdog, the misfit toys, the goonies. The code was always to be who you are and celebrate it. When I discovered I was a lesbian as well, I was already two steps ahead. I worked to develop pride for myself as I was, I tried to err on the healthier side, but I didn't want to diet anymore. I was tired of the struggle, I AM tired of the struggle. But I was offered a very generous opportunity from my family. I am willing to take it. Chubby is one thing, but my doctor has been bringing up my weight. I'm in my twenties and my knees and ankles hurt at times. I know I can succeed with the helping factors that the procedure provides. I can't imagine being on the other side, though. I feel like I'm being given the option to change my ethnicity. I know this is more about health than anything (how would you get insurance to help otherwise) and there IS more to me than my BBW status, (I love indie films and reading). Yet, people like Rosie O' Donnel (before the drama) and Uncle Candy, Tracy from (the original) Hairspray, these were the people I identified with. I watched Heavyweights multiple times as a kid. I feel like I'm turning my back on the people who helped me feel good about myself when I was young. Did anyone else struggle with these sort of feelings?