CRay1972

Hello. I'm not really sure of where to begin with this post, but I guess that I'll start by saying that I am dangerously... well, obese, I won't lie to myself any longer about it. I am 5'4" and as of yesterday evening, 302 pounds. I have a BMI of almost 53, which has scared the living daylights out of me, especially since I'm still able to not only walk, but run, stand on my feet for long periods of time, fit into "standard" sized seats, etc. I simply didn't think that I was "that bad". But the inevitable health problems have begun to crop up, and I'm frightened that if I don't do something now about the weight (I'm 38 years old), it'll simply get worse over time. Last year, my health provider suggested the idea of surgery, but I immediately nixed it because I was under the impression that it was a very dangerous procedure (however, it wasn't LapBand I was thinking of, but Roux-en-Y, which I still would rather not do - I think I'd prefer the weight problem over my stomach being stapled). Unfortunately, I no longer have that same health provider due to an insurance switch - so now I have no idea of how to go about it finding out how to get qualified for the procedure. From what I've read on this board and others, I know that I have to meet a certain BMI requirement (at a BMI of 53, I don't think that'll be an issue), and that possibly I may have to show that I have tried other options (which I have, I've been on Weight Watchers since November of last year with little to no results). I have not tried Jenny Craig or Nutri/System or the like - and I'm hoping that I don't have to, because I don't think they're going to work for me at this point. I know that I need to see my primary doctor at this point and explore options. I know that I'll have to be tested for everything under the sun before they'll approve a surgery. I'm honestly scared, as I've had some really rotten experiences with doctors and health care in general - but I know I have to do this. I also have a lot of mental health issues (severe depression, amongst other things) which I think may have been a major contributing factor in causing the weight gain in the first place. Anyhow, I just wanted to introduce myself, I guess. If anyone could point me in the right direction as to how to get started, what I should do, what things I can expect, I'd be grateful. Thanks.

Hmmm. I've never really thought about this question before - perhaps because I never really wanted to admit to myself that I was, well, fat, heh. A lot of the reasons given do apply to me, as well, though I hesitate to put all of the blame on my childhood (it seems to be the typical thing to do, especially when one's in therapy like I am). My therapist would also ask me why I'm hesitating. I was more or less emotionally abused by my family (pretty much everyone), as well as severely neglected for a good deal of the time - I had to pretty much raise myself from the time I was 7 years old. When I turned 11 and hit puberty, that's when all of the weight gain started, and it hasn't stopped since. I suspect that I may have PCOS and/or endometriosis - I have a lot of the symptoms of it - and that probably doesn't help things. But I think that a key issue may be that I want to keep people away from me and keep from being "noticed" - so I deliberately make myself look unattractive so that I can keep my emotional walls up and stay "on guard". The few times in childhood that I was noticed, it was usually because I was in trouble or being blamed for something. Ugh, just reading that makes me want to cry.

I looked at the Hopkins Bariatric Surgery Center a couple of nights ago, and viewed an information session. I've decided to fill out the required information package that they want, but one thing worries me greatly in that one of their requirements is that I have a "support network", i.e., family and friends. I do not have any family left that can help me, and very few social contacts due to my depression/mental illness. I feel very discouraged now about even applying, because once they find out that I don't really have anyone but myself... they may deny me on this basis (I'm not really sure of why that is - I may not have any visible source of support, but it also means that I don't have anyone to tell me it's the wrong thing to do, either, and that has to count for something). I did take and pass a required quiz about the procedure and the correct reasons why I should be doing it, so maybe there's some possibility that this might work for me. Time will tell. In any case, I've taken the first step. <gulp>

I really appreciate all of the replies so far - thank you. I'm feeling a little better about the possibility of doing this. To answer some questions that have come up: I am probably in the best area that I possibly could be for any kind of medical procedure, as I live in Baltimore and the closest hospital to me is actually Johns Hopkins of all places. I have absolutely no worries about finding a qualified surgeon here - if I can't find them here, they probably don't exist! Actually, I didn't know that the doctors themselves handled the insurance obstacles. That's probably a huge thing that's scaring the hell out of me right now, the possibility of getting my hopes up that I'll qualify for this procedure, only to have some faceless (and heartless) person on the other end of a phone inking a rubber-stamped "DENIED" on a piece of paper, a la "Dragnet". I found this board in the first place by searching my insurance company name to see if WLS was even considered covered (my insurance company website is no help). It seems to be covered from what I've read here - but who knows. I guess it won't matter much anyhow, as I'd qualify just on health reasons alone - it's not like this isn't going to be a big step toward saving my own life, because I know it will. I'm more than ready for a permanent change, but there are things that I do worry about. My eating habits are, in a word, weird. I don't overeat - if anything, I don't eat enough in the course of a day. I don't get the normal hunger signals that other people do - if I were only to eat when I'm hungry, I wouldn't eat for literally three days. (It's happened before.) I've tried Weight Watchers (still on it) and I've had to force myself to eat all of the points because I just didn't feel hungry. I don't understand it. I weigh 302 pounds but I hardly consume anything. I know that I'll have to get this checked out and make sure that there isn't some other physical issue going on, but I know this isn't normal. I don't know if the cause is physical or psychological (could be the latter). It's beyond frustrating for me. I have plans to call my doctor tomorrow morning and get the ball rolling about getting this started. Should I mention that my previous practitioner recommended that I consider WLS? For what it's worth, my therapist is in support of my doing this, and seems to think that I'll be okay as far as the psychological issues are concerned. I do understand the massive repercussions that having the LapBand will involve, and I'm pretty sure that I still want to go through with it. As it is, I don't really eat anything now - I actually feel more comfortable drinking my meals than anything else, so minimal eating for me wouldn't be a big change. I actually find that I don't like the physical act of eating - isn't that strange? I don't like how it makes me feel afterward, either - I often feel bloated and slightly sick, even if it's just a small salad from Subway. I'm aware that these reasons aren't enough to have the procedure done, of course. But at this point in my life, it's do or die. This weight will end up killing me if I don't get rid of it, and after struggling with this since I was 13 years old, I am so ready to make a change. I can't express how much. I will definitely let you all know what the doctor said tomorrow. And I thank you for embracing me at a pretty confusing time. I'm still scared, but I know this is the right thing. -c.