echonn123

So this may be kind of long winded but... I got banded in december of last year and I have struggled ever since. I have struggled with weight for as long as I remembered. I was chubby in the late elementary years and as my parents pushed harder and harder against me to lose weight I just got bigger and bigger. I've been up and down many times, but never losing more than 30 or 40 pounds and then regaining it back plus some. In middle school my parents put me in weight watchers and I lost a grand total of 10 pounds. Great. They divorced when I was in 6th grade but looking back on it I dont necessarily see it as a traumatizing event. I bring it up because when highschool came around it became a huge focus of my mother's. Freshman year I gained quite a bit more weight and it put me over the 300 lb point. My mother had me going to see different eating disorder therapists and then eventually i had a nutritionist and a personal trainer. Some of the therapists were not a good fit for us either schedual or work ethic wise (one of them would get interrupted during our sessions and she would proceed to give drug tests to those who had done the interrupting). Eventually we found a therapist who has done wonders for me. Before that, however, after I didnt lose weight with my nutritionist and personal trainer I was hospitalized with pneumonia, and then shortly after a SCFE. (a scfe is a disorder where the hip bone does not form fast enough and the bone fractures and requires a screw to be put in and hold it in place.) I had endocrine problems interfering with my developmental process which caused this as well as my weight (obviously as my mother enunciated many times). Needless to say I was in a wheelchair for a few months as i couldnt put any pressure on my leg. During the hospitalization of the later it was my senior year of highschool and my mother informed me that I was going to go to an eating disorder clinic for 4 to 8 weeks towards the end of my first semester. I would have to disenroll from school that semester (luckily i would still have enough credits to graduate). I had to explain it to all my teachers the principle and the counselors, all of whom were supportive. I went to structure house in North Carolina. I was pretty successful there, lost 40 lbs in 6 weeks. I came back with a limp. It turned out that my leg had not healed all the way and i was in need of a hip replacement. 3 months after i returned from the eating disorder clinic i had the hip replacement and I was told by my mother that unless I kicked it into hi gear with the weight loss thing there would be LAP-BAND®®® surgery. She never flat out said things like this, they were usually suggested, but nonetheless there was no way i could say no. summer came and this is when i started seeing my therapist i mentioned above. My mother, at seeing my lack of weight loss after the clinic, brought up the LAP-BAND®®® thing again and said 'lets just get info on it and then you can decide.' My therapist encouraged me as well. Truthfully I never really wanted the LAP-BAND®®®. If there is anything I've learned about myself its that I eat because of emotion and habit, its my addiction. I guess to me the LAP-BAND®®® is like that thing alcoholics take to make them throw up when they ingest any kind of alcohol. But my mother was completely invested in it. I felt like her whole life was revolving around my weight. Its probably not true, but i certainly felt like we could not have a conversation in which she asked me whether or not I went to the gym, or how my weight was, or what not. My dad wasn't much better, his view point on weight loss is. "go to the gym a lot and you'll lose weight". Maybe he was right, maybe they were both right. So we saw the surgeon, i said all the right things and shazam i had a surgery date. During this time I gained back all the weight I had lost at Structure House, and some more. Post op diet went smoothly, i lived off Protein shakes for 4 weeks straight. I lost 20 pounds (after gaining like 10 after my initial weighing, i gain and lose fast in random intervals.) The doctor was pleased and I started the process of getting fills. I was right and wrong about my preconception of the band but it was a near 6 months after the surgery date that it was tight enough to start helping me. its a 10 cc band and is now a little over half full (7 ccs i think). My eating habits have changed ALOT. I dont binge nearly as much, I eat smaller portion sizes and I eat more slowly. Until the last fill I didnt notice much difference to be honest. Then when i got the fill i started PBing and i feel every little bit of food (and even sometimes liquid) that i ingest. It was also the last time that I went to the surgeon that i got the Come to Jesus meeting from his staff as I hadn't lost as much as they would like. This turned me off big time, and now i feel like im descending into the pit of hell every time i think of the office they have. It may sound extreme but my entire life I have been told how im not doing it good enough. Similar things have rubbed me off. A month or so ago I saw the nutritionist im required to see by the surgeon. After weighing me she calculated my pounds/week since surgery. After stating that I was "on track exactly" with their set goals for patients she continued on how much harder i need to be working. I can eat much more than the "1 cup per meal" standard, and in doing so i feel full. But I feel as though I can't take anymore restriction. I've gotten my PBing down to probably once a week. But every meal it's a struggle to chew enough and eat slow enough to prevent vomitting it back up. My mother and nutritionist insist I need another fill. That I am doing something wrong if i can eat so much. I probably am. My mother was amazed the other week when i told her i didnt want this. I feel like I am owning my weight problem more than I have in the past but I am just struggling. I am in my early years of college, trying to pay my way with a job I hate. I feel like I am not getting any support and only criticism. I worry that if I outright defy my mother's claims/arguments/suggestions i will be homeless. I should state that this is the most weight I have ever lost and the longest I have ever kept it off, but i personally don't feel it as a success. Maybe I'm just being whiney, I clearly lack discipline. I am struggling. Any words of encouragement would help. Thanks for your time.