What is Being Morbidly Obese Protecting You From?
The recent statistics from the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention) has reported that about one-third (33.8%) of U.S. adults are obese. That number rises every day, and keeping up with it is more difficult than keeping up with your stocks. I work with the finest bariatric surgeons in the U.S. They are dedicated to helping their patients lose weight in an effort to thwart diseases, and minimize current disease progression. I also run several 12-step food addiction groups in the city of Houston and online in many cities. I talk to morbidly obese patients everyday. I teach them, counsel them, eat with them, and spend endless hours reading their journals. These patients have a story to tell, but we aren’t listening and we continue asking the wrong questions.
To be sure, obesity is genetic and many times the social milieu of obese patients I work with is chaotic with issues of abuse, abandonment, shame, ridicule, and anger. The genetic role helps explain the body type; the way food may be processed, stored, and proportioned. It cannot explain what keeps the person from changing the behavior that contributes to obesity. In my work, during step 4 of the 12-step addiction group, the group members begin making amends. They look at how their behavior got them where they are. They quit thinking about how they were abused, and begin to consider how they hurt/abused others. The step is painful, gut wrenching and overwhelming for all of these patients. It is also the step I ask them, “How do you benefit from being obese?” At first they look at me as if I am crazy. After all, they are weight loss surgery patients, and have gone to extremes to lose weight. They laugh, shake their head, and say, “Mary Jo, what are you smoking?” Then the room gets quiet. One of the bravest patients will say, “My obesity gives me an excuse. I am not held to the same standards as others; they don’t expect it, because I am morbidly obese.” Another will chime in, “My obesity keeps men away; I was sexually abused by my dad for 4 years of my life.” A statistic that no one likes to talk about was one mentioned in Bariatric Times in 2007. As many as 20 to 40% of obese women have been sexually molested, harassed and/or perpetrated (they know it’s higher than that but can’t ascertain the exact amount). Yet another will talk about how her/his marriage is so distant that food has become their lover/best friend. They are lonely, and they eat to comfort that incredible sense of loss.
Another part of my job focuses on the group that failed the weight loss surgery. If you have never been morbidly obese, or gone through a weight loss surgery only to have the weight come back, you cannot understand the depth of failing these patients feel. They are cursed by their unresolved reasons for going back to food. They don’t understand it, and often those who love them most don’t either. A Gastric Bypass, Gastric Sleeve, Lap Band, or Duodenal Shift is never going to successfully keep weight off if the patient has no idea why they are eating, and experience a fear of stopping. Many of the cravings patients feel are emotional; totally unrelated to real hunger. How can a weight loss surgery of any kind manage emotional hunger? It cannot.
When we evaluate patients who struggle with obesity we talk frequently about denial. I am beginning to think they are no more in denial than we, the health care professionals. We can talk food all we want, but most of my patients know what healthy food is; they could write a cookbook with the calorie count included! They know food like most of us know our lover. What they need help with are the tough questions. One of those questions is, “What are the benefits you are experiencing from your obesity?” We have to ask this, and we should ask it prior to weight loss surgery so we can begin the process of helping them understand this part. People drop old behaviors when they are no longer benefiting from them. You don’t need to be a weight loss surgery patient to begin the yoyo dieting process. If weight protects you from receiving attention, and you have been sexually abused in your childhood, then when you begin losing weight you are going to turn to food to manage the anxiety you feel when a man gives you eye contact. When patients begin to understand what they are protecting or avoiding with their weight, they can effectively work a weight loss program and keep the weight off.
It is also important to look at obese children’s homes especially if there is a substantial weight gain. Many times, something is going on at home that is causing this child to medicate their anxiety with food. Society continues to be judgmental and negative with obese people. One thing is clear: shaming or ignoring obesity is not helping curb or decrease the numbers.
Mary Jo Rapini
Mary Jo Rapini,MEd, LPC is a psychotherapist specializing in intimacy, sex and relationships, and maintains a private practice in Houston, TX. Additionally, she is a renowned lecturer, author and television personality.
Currently you can find Mary Jo on the TLC series Big Medicine, and on Fox Houston's Morning News. She contributes on-air for CNN's Prime News, CBS up to the Minute, Fox National Morning News, Montel and various Houston television and radio programs. Mary Jo is also featured in a Discovery Channel show about Near Death Expreiences (first air date Jan. 4, 2010).
Mary Jo is a contributing expert for Cosmopolitan Magazine, Women's Health, First, The New York Daily News, Seventeen Magazine, Redbook and Self Magazine's "Love and Relationship" section. Additionally she is a "City Bright" blogger for the Houston Chronicle, and is a contributing columnist for HealthNewsDigest.com and Houston Family Magazine.
Mary Jo is a popular key-note speaker across the nation. Her dynamic style is particularly engaging for those dealing with intimacy issues and relationship challenges, or those simply hanging on to unasked questions about sex in relationships. She also excels at speaking to groups of young girls dealing with body image issues and delivers a message that is geared to helping girls become strong women.
Rapini is the author of two books: Is God Pink? Dying to Heal and co-author of Start Talking: A Girl's Guide for You and Your Mom about Health, Sex or Whatever.
For more information or you FREE MONTHLY RELATIONSHIP TIPS: www.maryjorapini.com
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Really powerful article. Thank you for posting it.
Wow! This is really eye opening!
OMG, this is a crock.. Why are we constantly looking for a reason to blame others. Can't we take responsibility for our own actions anymore?? No, because it's way easier for us if we can blame someone else for being obese. Our parents, the abusive uncle, grandma who made too many cakes, and let's not forget genetics!! We have become the blame generation. We are fat because we ate too much. Blaming won't make us healthy it will just give us a clear conscience for a short time, and then hopefully reality will kick in and we will take responsibility for what we put in our mouths!
"I" think its a little hard how some of us, choose to not have a open mind about tópics discussed.It basically boils down to we all have stories to share that we feel may help another, we all have opinions weather we agree with it or not. The point "I" think we sometimes miss, is it may not be a message for us, or the message really might be for us, and we are not ready for the message just yet. This is a place that seems to be safe to share you thought, Im new here, and what I do is take what I need, and share what I can, and file the rest for possible use at a later date if need be..respectfully, aline728
Mary Jo I can so relate. I ate food because of the years of sexual abuse that I received as a child. Not making excuses because the minute I can identify the core I am now free- fre to choose - to get in the solution. I am a very pretty woman. The little girl in me says that if I am pretty and fat- I am protected and no one will take my body- so I would lose the weight - ( been exercising, no red meat since 1999, vegetarian since 2011, working out since 1999 and l.) however, once weighing 375, I began to change and lose weight. The moment I get close to 250 lbs, I would plateau and gain the weight back. Not platuea in weight loss...but that block..mentally of fear of the attention...so I would self sbatotoge. I just spoke to a doctor about these same issues. I will and are working on healing from the pain and void that I am feeling with food. I would love to join a group that will help me with this or a psych dr. That focuses on barbaric patients. Not doctors that just want approval but really will deal with the issues that brought me to that weight in the first place.
Since my surgery in march 2013, I began at 290 lbs. I am now 252. I have not seen 240's as an adult. So I am so close. I can feel the block trying to trap me to stop eating healthy and I have slipped in some ways. But this article and discussion has allowed me to identify one of the major things I must work on to live healthy physically and emotionally. I can't wait to see what 249 feels like!
Thanks
This article is great. As I am embarking on this journey, I've been reflecting on my weight and how it "serves" me, and the part where someone commented that it's their excuse not to be held to the same standards as others really struck a chord with me. I'm ready to let go of my old story of excuses and start anew!
OMG' date=' this is a crock.. Why are we constantly looking for a reason to blame others. Can't we take responsibility for our own actions anymore?? No, because it's way easier for us if we can blame someone else for being obese. Our parents, the abusive uncle, grandma who made too many cakes, and let's not forget genetics!! We have become the blame generation. We are fat because we ate too much. Blaming won't make us healthy it will just give us a clear conscience for a short time, and then hopefully reality will kick in and we will take responsibility for what we put in our mouths![/quote']I know this is an old comment but not everyone is fat because they eat a lot..I hardly eat at all. For me it is genetics.
I struggle with this reasoning because I don't see where I fit in. I've been overweight since I was 3. I've had a wonderful life, parents are still married, no abuse and no hard times. Why did I get to 300 pounds??!?! My brothers and mother are obese too. For me, I think it's due to the habits I've formed and had my entire life. It's hard to change now but I'm not giving up! A lot of people may be overweight due to trauma but I don't think that's the reason for everyone. Thanks for posting!
Nicolas says she has been obese since childhood, mine started almost from birth genetics and the desire of wellmeaning parents who equated large with healthy. What kept it going? Sexual abuse as a child, being an undiagnosed female on the autism spectrum. Not only did the weight help me Look less attractive but good befriended me, it was my friend when peers would not befriend me. These contributed but,i have been the one with psycological help that has had to crawl out and learn to stand up proud and finally learn to live and accept me. Neurodiversity is my strength instead of my sorrow and shame. I am unaverage but I am me and that more than sufficed.
Healthy&Skinny 33
Posted
This article is so dead on correct! Thank you! Please tell me how to join your online counseling? I am in Canada and can't locate a specialist on this subject. I am scheduled for Sleeve surgery in April and want to start this work ahead of time.
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