Help! My Family Is Against My Weight Loss Surgery!
Why Does It Matter?
Support during your Weight Loss Surgery journey can help you succeed. It is motivating to know that the people who love you are on your side. Through the long days of diet restrictions and dramatic lifestyle changes, your journey will be easier if your family members and friends pitch in however they can, whether with verbal encouragement or concrete changes such as avoiding eating off-limits foods in front of you.
Still, it is important to remember that you CAN succeed, whether or not you get the support you hope for.
Get to the Heart of the Matter
First, make sure you know why they are against your weight loss surgery. It is often because they are afraid for your safety. They may know people – or know people who know people who know people – who had complications from Weight Loss Surgery. You can talk to them about the real risks of surgery – using statistics rather than hearsay – compared to the risks of remaining overweight.
Still, do not assume that your safety is why they are negative about your decision. It is important to let them express their concerns and to address them directly. These are some other common reasons why your family and friends might have a negative gut reaction to your exciting news.
- They may be worried that you won’t be able to stick to the Weight Loss Surgery diet, and that you’ll be disappointed with the results.
- They may think you don’t need it. A lot of family members have trouble seeing how overweight you are, and understanding how much it interferes with your life and health.
- They may feel insulted. Parents especially may feel as though they have failed if they see you, their child, opt for surgery.
- They may feel threatened. Your significant other, for example, may be comfortable in the relationship you have had for years, and may worry that the way you feel about him/her will change as you lose weight.
- They may not know what it means for them. Friends may worry that you won’t want to hang out with them anymore, especially if your time together tends to revolve around food or if they think of you as their dependable “fat friend.”
Whatever the true concern is, address it directly. Reassure your friends and family that you are doing this for you, and that you will not become a different person.
Offer Them a Role
Some friends and family members may feel overwhelmed by your news of Weight Loss Surgery, and that can lead to their negative response. Surprisingly, offering them ways to be more involved in the experience can actually help change their minds. They may feel better about your WLS once you tell them the details about the prep, procedure, and diet, and may even be grateful if you let them know specifically what they can do to help.
Address Meal Times Directly
Food is central to relationships at home and in social settings, so it is understandable if your loved ones are worried about how your upcoming Weight Loss Surgery will affect the time you spend together. If you think this may be a concern, discuss meals at home and in restaurants with your friends and family. Let them know that you will still be present at the table and interested in being good company, even if you are not eating as much as them or ordering the exact foods that they are. If you are comfortable with the situation, they are more likely to be.
Agree to Disagree
In most cases, family members mean well. It may be hard to remember or see in the heat of the moment, but they often do genuinely want the very best for you. If you have already tried your hardest to convince them to support your Weight Loss Surgery decision and they are not ready to do so, your next hope is to keep them as an ally in other aspects of your life.
Hopefully, you and they can agree to disagree about your Weight Loss Surgery. You can let them know that you respect their opinion and will not be pressuring them to support your WLS. In exchange, you can ask them to continue to be your friend regardless of whether you are a bariatric surgery patient.
Be Patient
Sometimes, it just takes time. Your own Weight Loss Surgery success may be the best argument for why your loved ones should support you. It may take weeks, months, or a year, but they may come around as they see how happy you are, and as they realize how much they miss you.
Bariatric surgery is a lot easier when everyone you love supports your decision, but that’s not always the case. Don’t let resistance from family members and friends get you down, though. They’re probably trying to act in your best interest, and in most cases, you can still get Weight Loss Surgery while keeping strong relationships with them.
Alex Brecher
I am a native New Yorker who loves spending time with my children and working out at the gym.
I had struggled with my weight my whole life. Diets worked for me until I went off them and gained back more weight each time. Finally, a friend who used to be obese told me that he had gotten weight loss surgery. I could see how great he looked, and I got weight loss surgery in 2003. Thankfully, I can say that I have never looked back. It helped me lose more than 100 lbs. and keep the weight off since 2003.
I am the founder of BariatricPal and proud of everything that it means to the entire weight loss surgery community. Together, we can fight obesity and work toward living healthier lifestyles!
You can view The BIG Books on Weight Loss Surgery book series at the BariatricPal Store.
This hits home because just last Saturday, my daughter cried and begged me not to make a decision now. She thinks we can try again with mainstream weight loss endeavors...while I see her point, I know what I've been through over the years. She is so afraid I'm going to die, either on the table or from a post-op complication, she refuses to listen anymore.
This makes me sad because I told her I'd try again for her. But in reality, now I'm pushing ahead with plans of the surgery behind her back. She doesn't realize that in a year, she will be moving out. I'm alone and I want to move forward with my life. I've already made huge changes and my weight is the last thing holding me back. I'm 42 years old. I WANT TO LIVE!
I realize dieting with her will help. But I know where my weight plateau will be--it will be still considerably overweight, but will put me low enough that I will not be accepted for this surgery. I didn't come to this decision lightly and have been researching for two years! Now that I've made the decision to do it, I don't think a lack of support will hold me back. I'll just have to work harder to prove that the decision I made was the right one for me and that it will have a happy ending.
When I had surgery in 2003 I didn't tell a soul since I knew that everyone (friend's and family!) would try to talk me out of my decision to move forward. I felt guilty about hiding this big secret from them. It was the BEST decision I ever made! Years later most of my family and friend's are pro-WLS since they've seen how it positively changed my life.
This hits home because just last Saturday, my daughter cried and begged me not to make a decision now. She thinks we can try again with mainstream weight loss endeavors...while I see her point, I know what I've been through over the years. She is so afraid I'm going to die, either on the table or from a post-op complication, she refuses to listen anymore.
This makes me sad because I told her I'd try again for her. But in reality, now I'm pushing ahead with plans of the surgery behind her back. She doesn't realize that in a year, she will be moving out. I'm alone and I want to move forward with my life. I've already made huge changes and my weight is the last thing holding me back. I'm 42 years old. I WANT TO LIVE!
I realize dieting with her will help. But I know where my weight plateau will be--it will be still considerably overweight, but will put me low enough that I will not be accepted for this surgery. I didn't come to this decision lightly and have been researching for two years! Now that I've made the decision to do it, I don't think a lack of support will hold me back. I'll just have to work harder to prove that the decision I made was the right one for me and that it will have a happy ending.
When I had surgery in 2003 I didn't tell a soul since I knew that everyone (friend's and family!) would try to talk me out of my decision to move forward. I felt guilty about hiding this big secret from them. It was the BEST decision I ever made! Years later most of my family and friend's are pro-WLS since they've seen how it positively changed my life.
Did they make you take a support person? I've asked two different people if it was required and they both ignore the question!
If I'm able to go by myself, I feel strongly that at 4 days post op I can walk from the car, check in at San Diego airport, fly to Sacramento, and walk to the car of the person who's picking me up. I'm a tough lady! I've been through 3 C-sections, a Tummy Tuck and gallbladder removal. However, this is one thing I've never done, so any input would be greatly appreciated!
"Sometimes, hopefully, maybe, in most cases, many times, probably, etc. etc" are all wonderful and sensible words, but when all is said and done, they are just that----words.
In order for words to make sense, they have to be "heard". When a SO or friend is not at a place where they are capable of hearing them, the words might as well be spit into the wind.
One thing that I am absolutely convinced of is that WLS changes people. EVERYONE who has WLS changes. That's what it all about, isn't it?
MHO? One should NOT have WLS until their main support (SO, spouse, bbf,) has had every opportunity to come to terms with all of the ramifications. I strongly suggest therapy---separately, and then together. "They" don't "always come around".
I have been obese since the third grade. Waiting a year while having therapy would be a exercise of great joy , understanding and acceptance of me "changing".
Given the choice of twenty less years but with John in my life or living longer alone, there would not be a nano second's hesitation.
More understanding on MY part and NOT listening to those who said, "Go ahead---he'll come around", and maybe, just maybe John would not have swallowed 120 Vicodins while I was on the operating table.
Maybe. Just maybe.
Just think, pray, consult, talk, discuss and then repeat a thousand times if need be. Take a deep breath and consider all of the consequences.
To this day and it will be 2 years Oct 27, I have told 4 people. My husband, my daughter and 2 sisters. One who wants wls but can't do it, has many problems. Just found out last month she will need a liver transplant before long. So no surgeon will touch her now with that and many other problems. Didn't even tell my son, he thinks I've done good in 2 years losing weight. 2 brothers and 4 sisters I have all say looking great! My mother had gastric bypass back in the 70's. she is super skinny now at 81, and younger siblings don't remember. I reminded them when her pain pills weren't working and she would cry in pain. The patch is working great for her, alzhiemers ? has mad her not eat , her food intake is not enough. I have recommended protien drinks for her at least twice a day.
So when older you have to make sure someone knows of weight loss surgery. If you happen to be forgetful.
@@Lori Orr Try and talk to your daughter about how important this is to you - and that you want her support. I am afraid that if you go ahead and do this behind her back you will permanently damage your relationship. Please reconsider doing this without her support.
I agree with you. In the end, I wont do it without telling her. I really need a specific date next month to do this, so I don't have time to sit and wait it out. She says she supports me, but is so afraid. It's my fault for not bringing it up months ago when I really decided this could be for me. I just didn't want to deal with all this. So, my daughter and my mom are simply being blasted by all this without notice.
I'll keep you posted. She's at her dads this week, and I have her back Monday. I'll talk to her then...
My family were totally against my having the vsg. Their fears were that I was not well enough (I have fibromyalgia) to survive the surgery itself and that I might have post op complications. They also felt that I could actually lose weight without bariatric surgery.
Unfortunately, I did have post op complications that required re admission to hospital, then contracted clostridium difficile. It was very serious and obviously all of their fears were justified.
But four months later, the drama is history. They do learn to live with your decision and they still love you.
I did try and explain my reasons for going ahead with the surgery during the three years or so that I was in the pre op bariatric program, but they all really were just dead set against it. They felt that I was risking my life having elective surgery.
Now that they can see that I will live and now that they see that I can sit with the family during meals and eat some food (I mostly just fake eating), things have calmed down.
Even if they stay against the idea, I definitely think you should always inform your family that you are having surgery.
It is upsetting, I know. I had no idea how frightened they actually were that I might not wake up from the actual surgery, until the day after.
I feel that I didn't understand their specific concerns. Maybe I wasn't listening well enough.
Regardless, my relationships were not permanently damaged because I went ahead with the vsg.
As long as you feel comfortable with your decision and have done your best to inform them, you will be okay.
Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App
Thank you!
It has been difficult but I learned how much I mean to my family, how much they value my role as a Grandma to their children. So to look at it all positively is easier.
My actual sleeve surgery itself was totally successful.
Sent from my iPhone using the BariatricPal App
Perhaps I am an anomaly (doubt it), but I never really worried about what my friends and family thought about my surgery. I chose to tell very few people -- my husband, my kids, my father and at the last minute, my mother. I also told my close knit group of besties.
My surgery had absolutely nothing to do with them and everything to do with me. I was having surgery, not for cosmetic reasons, but to improve my quality of life. I wanted to be a more active participant in my own life and theirs, instead of sitting on the sidelines.
I did not hear one objection or any real concerns. Perhaps because they knew that I was not acting on a whim and had done my research thoroughly? Maybe because they know that once I make up my mind to do something, it's going to be done and nothing will stop me? (Or maybe they were just hoping to get rid of me in case the worst happened. HA!)
If anyone HAD objected, I would have absolutely listened to their concerns, I would have given them some sites to do their own research and I would have ended the conversation there. I don't make such decisions lightly, nor do I invite anyone's "permission".
This surgery was 100% about me and no one else's opinions really factored in -- including my husband. We've been happily married for 21 years and together for 24. We often bounce ideas off each other, but never have we felt the need to "allow" or "disallow" each other's decisions. If he had objected in any way, that would have been his issue to deal with, not mine.
What if even your spouse is against the WLS from the beginning?
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
Sorry I didn't put much information about myself to the above question.What if even your spouse is against the WLS from the beginning?
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
Hello, I'm 37 years young, mother of 3 beautiful children. My Bmi is 43 right now, it often fluctuates between 40-43 depending on my weight gain or loss. I'm an active mother, wife, worker, and very healthy young woman to say the least. However, I'm sick and tired of the yo-yo dieting. I've taken diet supplements along with injection (and I'm scared to death of needles- but did them anyway) for years I know since 2013, I've been on a strick diet plan for over a year and lost only 7lbs from 250lbs of weight I already had on my 5'4" body frame. At weigh in just the other day and was back up 243lbs. So all that being said....... I'm more then ready, to use this WLS as an added tool to stay healthy and fit. But I just can't get the one person I felt that would understand, to understand!!!!! I love my life but I know that I have to do this for ME and I don't want it to seem as if I'm being selfish and not considering his concern for me..... I've had 3 c-section do to my children and those are the only surgeries I've every had & all went extremely well by the time we had our 3rd child I was up walking around on my own the very next day, the nursing staff didn't like that but I told them "I can't take you guys home with me, so I have to do this on my own, you all just supervise me cause I don't want anyone getting fired because I wouldn't let you hold my hand!" They understand and just simply walked behind me as I walked the halls of the hospital... so when, I'm determined I'm determined!!!!! Mind over matter!!!!
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
Sorry I didn't put much information about myself to the above question.What if even your spouse is against the WLS from the beginning?
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
Hello, I'm 37 years young, mother of 3 beautiful children. My Bmi is 43 right now, it often fluctuates between 40-43 depending on my weight gain or loss. I'm an active mother, wife, worker, and very healthy young woman to say the least. However, I'm sick and tired of the yo-yo dieting. I've taken diet supplements along with injection (and I'm scared to death of needles- but did them anyway) for years I know since 2013, I've been on a strick diet plan for over a year and lost only 7lbs from 250lbs of weight I already had on my 5'4" body frame. At weigh in just the other day and was back up 243lbs. So all that being said....... I'm more then ready, to use this WLS as an added tool to stay healthy and fit. But I just can't get the one person I felt that would understand, to understand!!!!! I love my life but I know that I have to do this for ME and I don't want it to seem as if I'm being selfish and not considering his concern for me..... I've had 3 c-section do to my children and those are the only surgeries I've every had & all went extremely well by the time we had our 3rd child I was up walking around on my own the very next day, the nursing staff didn't like that but I told them "I can't take you guys home with me, so I have to do this on my own, you all just supervise me cause I don't want anyone getting fired because I wouldn't let you hold my hand!" They understand and just simply walked behind me as I walked the halls of the hospital... so when, I'm determined I'm determined!!!!! Mind over matter!!!!
Sent from my SM-T817V using the BariatricPal App
Our stats are right on and I was about the same age as you when I had my surgery. Here is my story:
And if my husband was against it? Not my problem. He'd have to figure that out on his own. I'd listen to his concerns, I'd direct him to appropriate research and I'd let him take it from there. I love him but I don't LIVE for him. He is a huge and important part of my world but he is not my world in it's entirety. Big diff.
Lori Orr 29
Posted
This hits home because just last Saturday, my daughter cried and begged me not to make a decision now. She thinks we can try again with mainstream weight loss endeavors...while I see her point, I know what I've been through over the years. She is so afraid I'm going to die, either on the table or from a post-op complication, she refuses to listen anymore.
This makes me sad because I told her I'd try again for her. But in reality, now I'm pushing ahead with plans of the surgery behind her back. She doesn't realize that in a year, she will be moving out. I'm alone and I want to move forward with my life. I've already made huge changes and my weight is the last thing holding me back. I'm 42 years old. I WANT TO LIVE!
I realize dieting with her will help. But I know where my weight plateau will be--it will be still considerably overweight, but will put me low enough that I will not be accepted for this surgery. I didn't come to this decision lightly and have been researching for two years! Now that I've made the decision to do it, I don't think a lack of support will hold me back. I'll just have to work harder to prove that the decision I made was the right one for me and that it will have a happy ending.
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