I cried for an obese man

We've talked about this subject here many times. Not about people falling, but how we want to pour our heart out to that morbidly obese person in the grocery store on the store supplied electric cart or the heavy breather walking up the steps in the mall.

It's a hard one and we all agree that it's not appropriate to offer unwanted advice. So unfortunate!

I'm so glad you posted this so I could be reminded to go back and make a point of adding that it's never a good idea to approach people. There are so many reasons and just one of them are the hundreds of people that want the surgery but cannot get it. I volunteer for a non-profit called WLSFA.org that raises money to grant surgeries to those who have been denied. It's very hard to raise money for surgeries because there is still so much stigma associated with it but there have been 11 recipients so far. All I can do is spread the word the best way I can and hope I can plant a seed that may one day help someone out.

While we all want to share our success with WLS I doubt back in my heavy days if someone came up to me and said have you considered WLS I would have been p'd off. It took many years for me to face my problem and most people have to make their own decision as to when it is time. My stepdaughter was almost 300 lbs @ 5'3 and my husband told me I should tell her to have lapband.. I said absolutely not. She would have resented me for interfering in her life and probably wouldn't listen. She is now on a weight loss plan and has lost 85 lbs through dieting and exercise.. I am so proud of her and I pray it last. But now and again we consult on nutrition but I still do not give her advice.

I absolutely agree. How wonderful that she's managed to lose that much. I also hope she can keep it up and perhaps having you around will help her. I've had a family member ask me to help another and I tried to explain that I cannot do it for them. Even if I could hand them a free surgery it won't work until they are ready to work it. 85 pounds is so impressive...I so hope she continues to do well. We all know it's hard work and I'd be really proud of her too.

I had a car accident 3 years ago. It took 6 very strong people to carry me on a board to the ambulance. I managed to turn and see only 2 carrying another accident victim to the ambulance...horrified I started right then to ball like a baby. i was already set to have surgery but had wished I did not have to wait 4 years for it...

I also fainted once because I blew out a rib and the ambulance was told they needed extra help as the woman was over 300 lbs. That went over every radio in the city...

A few weeks later I stumbled and my husband said If you fall I will have to call an ambulance to pick you up because I can't. He was not mean it mean or anything... It was just fact....

All the way up to my surgery I was abused like most of you were. Now after all of this....I have decided I will not tolerate it if I see it hear it or learn about these ignorant comments.....I will react..I will take no prisoners!

Thank you for your story...I have tears running down my face........

I LOVE your story and I love your attitude about taking no prisoners. Abusing people about their weight is one of the last acceptable prejudices and it's so cruel. I think sometimes I find myself talking about my WLS when I'm in a new group of people to make them aware before someone makes a "fat joke" because even though I am the most non-confrontational person on earth....I just couldn't allow an unkind remark about obesity go unnoticed. I get uncomfortable when anyone feels they have to make an unkind remark about anyone. Until you are in the shoes of the person being made fun of you have no idea what their journey is about. I suffered through 30 years of that kind of talk and I don't want to live without mutual respect, kindness, and understanding for others.

Your story has hit home for me because it reminded me of my grandfather. My grandfather will and always be my hero in my eyes. I come from a family who has always been bigger hardly any of us are "skinny" always had curves, and extra meat on our bones. My grandfather was always a big man, he was pushing 500 pounds. Growing up going to grandma and grandpas house was always the norm same with waiting to eat Breakfast with grandpa because he would make the best eggs known to man. Going over there was like the story book grandparents house. Grandma always had Breakfast on the table for you, we made Cookies together, drank the cold coffee that grandma didn't finish, made crafts, had grandma pre-school, and we always had big meals for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. My grandpa would make us girls finish whats on our plate before leaving the table. When I was three we almost lost my grandfather from congestive heart failure. I remember the day going to see him in the hospital and not knowing my hero was going to return. I was only three but I understood what he was going through. The doctors gave him less than ten years to live.

​Well moving on to my sophomore year in high school, my grandpa became sick. I stepped up with my mom and helped take care of him. I watched my grandfather fall out of bed, and I had to pick this man up and put him back in bed. The strong man who I loved dearly was becoming weaker and weaker. He was the still the 500 pound man. Every morning he would tell me that I need to eat better, because he didn't want to see me be his weight or be like him. I would tell him I am trying, and promise him I wouldn't. Sadly on memorial day weekend 2006 he passed away in hospice from congestive heart failure from being overweight. My world ended.

Before having this surgery I thought a lot about those years with my grandpa and him telling me never be like him weight wise. I already failed one weight loss surgery and was thinking of a second. I told myself if my grandpa was offered weight loss surgery back when I was three I believe he would take it knowing he would be around for more of his grandchildren's lives. If he was given the choice for weight loss surgery back in 2006 before he passed, I know he wouldn't take it. Those thirteen years changed my grandpa and that last year you could tell he was giving up. I wrote my letter to the surgeon telling her this same story I am telling you and was approved. Had my revision surgery in November 2013.

It wakes a lot for somebody to really look at themselves in raw form to really make this life changing decision. This story hit home for me because my grandpa was a big man who I helped up many times and he had the bluest eyes and kindest soul around.

Oh Kaylee, what a beautiful story about your grandfather. He sounded like a beautiful man and it's obvious that he was loved deeply by you and your family. It's very sad when you think about how many people have been robbed of so many years because of obesity. You described him so perfectly that I feel like I almost knew him.

My husband and I recently met a couple. The gentleman is in his late 60s and weighs over 500 pounds. He can barely get around. He spends his days in an armchair and then struggles to get into his electric wheelchair. I was over there the other day and I see some Protein shakes on their counter and I asked if I could look at the bottle (because I'm nosey about anything protein-lol). I confided in her that I had wls and she said - so did Frank. I couldn't believe it. He had surgery in August of this year and has lost over 80 pounds.

Wls for most of us just clicked that we were becoming overweight, had some health issues, and we were tired of being on this "roller coaster". Wls for others is truly a life-saving surgery, like it was for Frank.

I have such sympathy for anyone overweight and I completely feel their pain.

WOW! I'm betting he's starting to feel a difference already. I hope he'll be able to take advantage of the weight loss to get himself out of his chairs and become mobile again. You're right... this most definitely was a life saving surgery for Frank.

Beautiful post & very interesting follow up conversation. I tend to agree - no matter how well intentioned, there is a time & place for sharing weight loss information. I'm not sure if I would be hurt, offended or happy about the unsolicited advice...

I just wanted to say thank you for your kind words about the post. You're right...it's a very personal decision and there's no easy way to share information.

Recently while at the grocery store I saw a young girl (18-22) in a scooter who was very very large. My estimate is that she was 450-500 pounds.

Is was late at night and the store was pretty empty. She and I were going up and down the same isles and I kept thinking about having a discussion with her about WLS but couldn't get myself to do it, fearing that I would insult her.

I wish someone pulled me aside years ago and had that discussion.

Andrew that was a very kind thing to consider. It's so sad that she was on a scooter at such a young age....you wonder if she'll live very long if something isn't done. Unfortunately she may have already checked it out but might not qualify and that's somehow even sadder.

My heart has always felt a pang when I saw a very obese person out and about, and now even more so, when I know (think, perhaps, is a better word) there is a sustainable way for us to get to a healthy, mobile size.

It was an odd coincidence, but last Tuesday, afterI had my one-year band consult with my bariatric surgeon, I was taking the bus back home and a massively obese woman got on. It is very rare to see 400-500 pound women in Paris (I'm not sure where they put them!) and I just speculated on what hell her life must be here. She easily filled the two bus seats and spilled over those. She had obviously just come from the bakery and was carrying a fresh baguette (which I imagined other people thinking "That's the last thing she should be eating."). I wondered how she bought clothing here, where the largest size is a size 12 (and that is considered a plus size).

Being just fresh from my one-year appointment, where I got so much positive feedback from my surgeon, I wanted to tell her there was a way out of the Obese Ghetto. Of course I didn't say anything, but I so very much wanted to convey this hope to her...that she should not just throw in the towel. I watched her struggle to get up and off the bus at her stop, and then shuffle/walk into her building. It was just so sad...this lack of mobility, lack of being able to move freely in the world.

Now I'm depressing myself and will stop here.

I am fascinated by stories from different cultures. I also can't imagine how difficult it must be for her. I had no idea that clothing only goes up to size 12 there. I suppose buying clothing online is certainly an option. The stigma regarding obesity must be overwhelming. Is bariatric surgery even something people know much about?

I'm a hair stylist and I never even considered wls. About 5 years ago a new client came in, a man, skinny little fella. I asked him what he did for a living and he told me he was a bariatric surgeon. I was instantly uncomfortable. Then he went on for 20 minutes about how I should get wls, about how the odd are stacked against me for doing it on my own, about how while I may be able to lose weight on my own but I would never be able to keep it off. Well, needless to say all that did was make me mad and humiliated. He came in every month. He didn't always talk about it but he often did. Not the best bedside manner, but a brilliant and successful surgeon. 4 years after our initial meeting I had surgery, with him as my surgeon. He pissed me off but if he hadn't I may never had even had surgery on my radar. I've never been so grateful to be made mad and humiliated in my life.

What a great story!

I had been researching WLS for the last ten years and attended many seminars but just wasn't ready to pull the trigger.

About 10 years ago my boss' wife had WLS and she put together a packet of information and sent it to work for my boss to give to me. I was embarrassed and humiliated. I threw the packet in the garbage. Now, I had already been thinking about WLS but to have it flung in my face just didn't seem right, it was very uncomfortable. I think that is how it would be for most people. If there were some brochures or something we could anonymously (sorry can't remember how to spell that) leave around for people they might then be more comfortable receiving the information but when it's face to face it just feels more threatening. Now that I've had the surgery, I think its the best thing since sliced bread. Do I share it with others? NO, I'm still very private about it but if I had brochures to leave behind... I'd do it.

I would feel embarrassed as well, unless I'd had several conversations with (in this case) my bosses wife about my frustration with my weight, and previously expressed an interest in the possibility of surgery. Then the package of info would have been a thoughtful gesture. But out of the clear blue.....don't think I would like it. The other thing is, I would be happy to talk with someone about my surgery, but I would never push it. We're all on the other side and happy. But it is a HUGE life change, and not every obese person is up to the task. You just never know who you're approaching, and know nothing of their life story. I would never suggest it unless someone expressed an interest. And even then, I would NEVER say "you might want to think about it", or "it's the best thing ever....you SHOULD do it". It's too big of an undertaking, and I think just sharing my own experience is enough to possibly plant a seed. The rest is up to them; timing, affordability......whatever their mindset is.

Years ago, I remember the Jesus freaks approaching me on the street, wanting to shove Jesus down my throat. Or, the Jehova's Witnesses knocking on my door, bible in hand....wanting to share "the word". I didn't ask you, so leave me alone! I don't want to become a WLS zealot, who sees every obese person as someone who needs WLS enlightenment.

Okay.....off soapbox now - LOL!

As much as we might like to tell someone there is a way to be successful with weight loss, it's not a good idea to do so. If anyone had come up to me to speak to me about a way to lose weight when I was at my heaviest and walking in obvious pain, I'd have been so mortified and angry that I'd tell them off or start crying. Not sure which. You just cannot invade someone's life in that manner no matter that you try to be sensitive and explain that you've been there. I would especially be pissed if a former fatty was trying to tell me there was a way to live a better life. We knew that when we were fat. Every fat person knows there is a better way. But....they must get to that place themselves and we cannot presume to move that process along no matter how sympathetic we are.

I for one am glad you never ran into that man again. I'm sure...in fact I'll bet the house, that he certainly didn't want to run into you again.

Even if we have the best of intentions...it's better to say nothing.

I am 118 lighter because an acquaintance who I see 2 times a year asked me once if I ever considered WLS. At first I was taken aback. it's not pleasant to face the fact that you look like you could use it! She is a healthcare professional and also has a weight issue ( not as much as mine) and it was meant conversationally not as advice. Well I told her Oh no I would never do that... but her question may me ponder it. I did my research and got the sleeve. A year later I saw her and thanked her for bringing it up. I owed her a lot!

I hope sometime to return the favor but I also remember how shocked I was she asked me. I guess it would take the right situation and relationship to bring it up. It is a major life change and not easy either. People have to do their own research to see if it's for them. I hope someday I can help someone.

I am 118 lighter because an acquaintance who I see 2 times a year asked me once if I ever considered WLS. At first I was taken aback. it's not pleasant to face the fact that you look like you could use it! She is a healthcare professional and also has a weight issue ( not as much as mine) and it was meant conversationally not as advice. Well I told her Oh no I would never do that... but her question may me ponder it. I did my research and got the sleeve. A year later I saw her and thanked her for bringing it up. I owed her a lot!

I hope sometime to return the favor but I also remember how shocked I was she asked me. I guess it would take the right situation and relationship to bring it up. It is a major life change and not easy either. People have to do their own research to see if it's for them. I hope someday I can help someone.

So many possible variables.....

A couple of weeks ago I was driving to an appointment and I saw a really large man walking down the street. Because of his size and the near 100 degree temperature, I knew he had to be extremely uncomfortable. As I pulled into my parking place I glanced in my rear view mirror and watched this man trip with a force that propelled him like a rocket to the concrete. I bolted from my car and ran to him...his arm was already bloody.

"Let me help you up". He had salt and pepper hair and perhaps the kindest sky blue eyes I have ever seen.

With a perfect Texas drawl he said "Little lady you're gonna have to pack a little more lead in the rear to help me up!" My heart was breaking for him. I grabbed him by his good arm and we rocked....1, 2, 3, and I pulled with everything I had. No matter how much I wanted to help this man, I couldn't get him off the ground. He explained he was walking to work and I at first got the impression he was trying to get some exercise. I asked him to stay put and I'd get some help and as I ran into the building, there were just a few tiny women and elderly people that could be of no help. By the time I got back out, a man had stopped to help him up. He was hurt....I told him there was a doctor inside, would he please come in? I know he was both surprised and ashamed that I would help him. He chuckled and said he was alright (he wasn't). As he walked out of my sight he said "It's time to go on that diet".

Of course I knew he'd been on hundreds of diets, just like I had. It was the perfect time to have shared my story but yet it wasn't. I wish I had at least gotten his contact information so that maybe my signature on my email would perhaps spark a conversation.

Maybe he didn't have a car and had to go into work anyway for fear of losing his job because of his size. Maybe he couldn't afford to call for an ambulance. So many "maybes". Every day since then I have considered waiting at that parking space to see if I could locate him again. He felt so much embarrassment and I wanted to tell him that I knew there was a perfectly loving man inside trying to get out. I wanted to tell him so many things but most of all that I didn't see him as just a morbidly obese man....that he was just as valid and worthy as anybody and the shell he lived in did not make him "less than".

I fell a few weeks before that and was in extreme pain so I could only imagine what he was dealing with. Tears ran down my face for the rest of the day. Call me silly for wanting to do this but I'm going back to try to find him. I want him to know why I didn't judge him that day.

And why I cried.

p.s. I just added this because I do want everyone to know that I would NEVER give anyone unsolicited advice because I have seen it happen and someone got the response "I've already had WLS". Much like asking a woman if she's pregnant....not until I see the crowning of the baby's head would I ever ask when someone's baby is due. I just wanted to make sure everyone understood that.

*Note- I wrote this in 2011 and reread it the other day. I decided to share it here because the comments left on this blog post were so memorable and heartfelt. If you'd like to read them you can see them here.

I've been back to that same parking spot every month basically at the same time of the day ever since that day. I have unfortunately never found him again. If I ever do, I hope he'll let me take a picture with him so you can see his beautiful blue eyes and the kindest face you could ever imagine.

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You are a beautiful person! Thank you for this post! Good to know there are some still left. God Bless..

I sure needed and appreciate that so much.