Me, My Selfie, and I

Let’s say it’s true that some obese people spend a great deal of time “doing” things for other people. Why do obese people do that? Is it because they truly care only for others? Or perhaps they feel “obligated” (lest people think badly of them or less of them)? Maybe they do so much for others for fear they won’t be included by others if they don’t? Maybe they do so much for others because it makes them feel better about themselves?

Here’s another question: What, exactly, does that “caring for others” look like? In a lot of “obese homes,” the obese parent(s) feed their children junk food because they don’t want to “deprive them” of “fun foods” that “other kids get to eat…” In other words, they “selflessly” take care of their kids by feeding them junk. How, exactly is poor nutrition caring for a child? Could it be that the obese parent(s) feels guilty about their own, poor eating behaviors? Maybe they don’t want to have to explain why they are “allowed” to eat one way, but the kids are expected to eat another? Could it be that the obese parent(s) really want the junk food at home for themselves and use the kids as an excuse for having it there? “I wouldn’t want them to have to be deprived because I can’t have it.”

Makes you think. Doesn’t it?

Obese people are definitely going to find ways to take care of (feed) their obesity – with frequent trips to the fast food drive-thru, late night runs to the market to pick up ice cream, or having dinner at the all-you-can-eat buffet (because it’s a “good value” for the money). Obese people create ways to take care of their own “needs” very well. They take great pains to ensure there are always emergency treats squirreled away in the pantry or bottom drawer at the office, just in case. They’ve always got some cookies, chips or candy in the car (so they won’t starve.) Does this make them selfish? Not in and of itself… What makes the behaviors of the obese person selfish are the consequences to other people… Read on.

Let’s talk for a minute about the many obese people who have co-morbid diseases including high blood pressure, high cholesterol, sleep apnea and diabetes (to name a few). Diabetes and each one of these diseases individually kill people every day. The combination of obesity with any of them (and obese people usually have several co-morbid diseases, especially as they get older), increases the likelihood of a premature death. Ah – but, “I can always take medicine” and “more medicine” and “more medicine” to treat those other diseases. The reality? In effect, many obese people are saying, “I’d rather take more and more and more medications, all of which have side effects, than to change my eating and eliminate the need for the medications. By changing my eating behaviors… I could eliminate the diseases. But I’d rather eat.”

Right now, you might be thinking: Obese people like to eat – everyone needs to eat – how is that selfish?

Easy: It’s not just about the food.

Let’s talk about the effects on others of the above-mentioned behaviors.

What happens when an obese person’s health declines to the point that he/she isn’t able to walk easily? Perhaps they eventually need a scooter to get around? And maybe they become couch-bound or bed-bound? The ability of the obese person to get around on their own affects everyone involved in their lives – especially if the non-obese members want to engage in outside family activities. Spouses and kids often forego sporting activities, extra-curricular events, and social gatherings because it creates too many problems for the obese parent, who is unable or unwilling to drive the kids to events, is too embarrassed to attend events, or is unable to get around once they get to an event. Kids and spouses often have to cater to the obese parent at home by fetching them food, books and TV remotes. Family members have to help with activities of daily living such as bathing and dressing the obese family member. Many a teenager has dedicated considerable time to care-taking for obese parents and in the process, misses out on an important developmental stage of life. The obese person needs help attending numerous doctors’, wound care and physical therapy appointments.

Ultimately, the obese person’s needs dictate what others can and cannot do. That doesn’t sound all that “selfless,” especially when an obese adult, like an adult alcoholic or adult compulsive shopper or adult cigarette smoker has options for seeking treatment and therapy. Yes, there are many contributing factors to obesity, many that a person has no influence over (genetics, diseases). There are even more contributing factors to obesity that one can influence (environment, food choices, exercise). On the contrary, the above examples sound like the actions of a person who is looking out for “number one” – not someone more concerned with the needs of others…which sounds suspiciously like the definition of selfish, don’t you think?

Now, don’t get us wrong, being selfish isn’t necessarily a negative thing…there are healthy ways to be selfish, including:

• Going to the gym regularly to take care of your health, even if it means you’ll miss some television time with the family.
  
• Not bringing junk food into the home – even if the kids might like it – because it’s not good for your health, or theirs.
  
• Spending money on vitamins and supplements each month, even if it means you’ll have less money for “entertainment” or “dining out.”
  

Basically, healthy selfishness means that you take care of yourself in healthy ways. You take care of yourself AND keep in mind the important people in your life and how your actions will affect their lives as well.

It’s important to note that being selfless is not necessarily better than being selfish, because selfless people often ignore their own needs and wants, resulting in their feeling unworthy, unvalued or unimportant. And most of the time, also leads to their feeling resentful (being the “victim” of always doing for others … although it’s really being the victim of their unconscious neediness). That’s not a good thing, either! In other words, both extremes – being selfish and being selfless - are equally unhealthy.

Of course, this couldn’t be an article by A Post Op & A Doc without noting that seemingly “selfish” or “selfless” people (whether obese or not) are not “bad,” which the words (selfish especially) connotes. Like anyone whose lives on the continuum of dysfunction (which means all of us), obese people have learned to use food for what is referred to in the world of psychology as “experiential avoidance.” This means food and the obsession on food, weight, scales, recipes, food shows, etc. keeps them from dealing with “unacceptable” thoughts, feelings, memories, and/or physical sensations (such as anxiety, sadness, etc.). Don’t believe us? That’s okay. Getting to that awareness is a process. What’s important is to understand that we are not “dissing” anyone for being “selfish.” Ultimately, it’s important to be grateful for eating and food that was, at one point in time, for most obese people, a way to cope with situations or people that caused emotional distress. The “selfish” or “selfless” behaviors we are talking about are the long-term result of not dealing with life by numbing with food because one didn’t have the skills. In life today, as an adult, you can learn (and, we believe, have the ability to respond = responsibility,) to learn to deal with life stressors in healthy ways … without “using” food or other numbing agents (shopping, alcohol, other drugs, gambling, etc.). Hopefully, you’ll read this as an invitation to dig deep into your issues, learn healthy responses to life, and be a healthy “selfish” or “selfless” person.

Ultimately, a healthy, balanced person understands and meets their physical, emotional and spiritual needs while keeping in mind the needs of others. Does this sound like something many obese people practice? We would argue that it doesn’t. Adults who haven’t known how to meet their needs in balanced ways, can now take the opportunity to learn healthy “selfish” and “selfless” ways of behaving. (Note: it usually requires therapy in addition to changing behaviors).

Wait… this is getting deep! Why is this article called “Me, My Selfie & I”?

In this fast-paced, Facebook world, where everyone has a camera phone, people spend all day connecting with other people through status updates and tweets about what they’re doing, where they’re going, what they’re eating, how they’re dressed, and who they’re dating. And, it often doesn’t seem to matter how mundane it is.

Apparently everyone thinks their “friends” need to know, “Hey! I’m at Starbucks, drinking a sugar-filled Frappuccino with whipped cream and criticizing that guy at the next table. And, just to convince you I’m actually there, here’s a picture of ME and my drink (but not the annoying guy at the next table.)” “Hey! Guess where I am now? I’m in the try-on room in the junior department of that cool clothing store and I can’t believe I fit into a size medium. Don’t believe me? Here’s a picture of my butt in some teeny jeans. Don’t think that’s my butt? Here’s a picture of me in front of the mirror, holding my phone towards the mirror so you can see me… with my real butt in my teeny jeans. Whoo-hoo! I rock!” “Now I’m at the gym, sweating a lot. See? Here I am with sweat running down my face. Phew!” “After that workout, I’m hungry, so here I am at the restaurant eating this amazing food. (See the food? See me with the food? Oh, I had to have the person at the next table take my picture so you could see me and the food at the same time.)” “Man, it’s been a long, hard day…so now it’s time for some ‘me time’ at the nail salon. I’m having a pedicure (here’s a picture of my feet – I had them put little diamonds on my big toes. I really love my toes…) Here’s a picture of me wearing new shoes so you can see my painted toenails.”

And that was just today.

Maybe you think that sounds nasty or sarcastic or absurd, but we ask you: how many of your Facebook friends fit that description? Maybe YOU fit that description…?

Okay, it’s true that when people lose a lot of weight, they feel good about themselves and are no longer afraid to have their picture taken. This is a sign of increasing confidence (you say). It’s evidence that the person finally cares about him or herself (you contend). There is nothing wrong with having a lot of pictures of you (you believe) – after all, you spent a lot of years on the other side of the camera. You’re making up for lost time.

Well, we won’t argue about someone’s self-confidence, self-worth or belief about their appearance, but will say that, at some point, 4,000 pictures of you on your Facebook wall can give others the impression that you don’t have any friends or family in your life – or, at least none that you care enough about to include in your photos. It can seem pretty selfish…which makes us wonder why they don’t call Selfies, “Selfy-ishes.”

Maybe you see yourself in this article. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you can understand how selfish obesity really is…and maybe you recognize that you need to work on achieving a balance of “healthy selfishness” in your own life. Whatever the case, next time you think you need to post a selfie…why not invite someone to join you in the shot? You can still hold the camera, if it makes you feel better.

Cari De La Cruz and Connie Stapleton, Ph.D.

The Post Op and The Doc

info@apostopandadoc.com