What's your happy weight?

I began my weight loss surgery journey with very nebulous goals. Happiness wasn’t one of them. I knew I was miserable and frustrated and unhealthy, and mainly wanted to neutralize all that so that my future would be not-unhappy. As far as I was concerned, the words “happy” and “weight” didn’t even belong in the same sentence.

In his book, Ultimate Lap-Band® Success, bariatric surgeon Duc Vuong (who is insightful about obesity despite being naturally as slender as a blade of grass) talks about identifying a "happy weight" versus a "goal weight". He says your happy weight is the weight at which you are no longer struggling with your relationship with food. You feel good, look good, are confident & active.

Me? I have a happy weight, but it keeps changing. When I got to within 20 pounds of my goal weight (which I had casually grabbed off the high end of the BMI chart for a woman of my height), I thought that if I never lost another pound, I'd still be happy and consider my surgery a complete success. I did indeed feel better, look better, was more confident and far more active then than I ever would have dreamed, so I suppose you could say that my Happy Weight was 152 pounds. A few months later, I reached my goal weight, which was most certainly a very happy place. So I suppose you could say that my Happy Weight was actually 132 pounds, not 152.

The problem is that my Happy Weight keeps changing. When I regained 20 pounds after a complete unfill to treat a band slip, the 152 pounds that had pleased me earlier was not a happy weight any more. My skinny wardrobe was too tight, my fat clothes were long gone, I tired more easily, my cholesterol went up, and I avoided looking at myself in the mirror. I wasn’t as miserable as I was at 221 pounds, but I wasn’t happy either. I knew I’d get back down to the 132 pounds again (and I did), but in the meantime….I was not happy!

What about you? Do you know your happy weight? How do you even define it? Choosing a weight goal, whether measured by your BMI (Body Mass Index), a certain clothing size, reduction or elimination of a medication or the need for a CPAP machine, is fairly concrete. But how do you know what will make you happy? How do you measure happiness?

I hate to tell you this, but achieving a certain weight goal won’t necessarily flip the Happy Switch in your brain. It’s quite possible that your happy switch will get turned on well before you reach the end goal, and also that achieving that goal may not yield the results you expected. If you believe (or at least hope) that being a certain body weight will make your partner fall in love with you all over again, things will get messy when you both discover that your slim new shape makes your partner insanely jealous every time someone else gives you an admiring glance. If you believe that a certain body weight will get you the job promotion you long for, and you get laid off instead, what becomes of your happiness? So my advice to you is this: keep your mind and heart open to the kind of happiness that takes you by surprise, and remember that many small NSV’s (non-scale victories) can add up to a huge improvement in your quality of life.

There’s one aspect of Dr. Vuong’s definition of a happy weight that illustrates something that’s difficult for him (or any other never-obese person) to understand. That’s the part about your happy weight being the weight at which you are no longer struggling with your relationship with food. Bariatric surgery affects our brain and body chemistry to different degrees depending on the procedure, but it doesn’t cure obesity and it doesn’t forever vanquish our eating demons. That’s why weight regain in bariatric surgery patients is so common, and that’s why I highly recommend counseling, both pre- and post-op, to help us gain the insight and tools to conquer or at least tame those eating demons. Your bariatric surgeon should be able to give you a referral to a therapist who’s experienced with bariatric and/or eating disorder patients. Seeking counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy – it just means that you recognize that you need help and are willing to give therapy a try.