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Can I say that I relate as well, but wanted to add that one thing I have learnt being 5 years post banding is that I never changed. On the outside? Yes. How people treated me? Definitely. But the fundamental part of me, who I was, who I am, remains the same. That doesn't change with the what you weigh. The difference though between me and someone who was always thin is that I recognise that someone's weight doesn't define them. And it doesn't define me. Nor should it define you. Fat, thin, you will still be you.

Our stories are very similar! Like you, I have been "the fat girl" my entire life. I can remember being as young as 5th grade and obsessed with how huge my thighs were. I remember being teased for being big all through junior high. I remember going shopping with my girlfriends in high school and being so ashamed because I couldn't wear anything at the "normal sized" shops they went to. I did date as a teen but my self esteem was always awful. When I hit college, like you I decided to own being a fat girl. I had more self confidence and I decided I didn't give a rip if someone did like me for me- fat and all. ...but then I had my first child at 21 years old...and got bigger and bigger. Over the years I ballooned up to over 400 pounds. Any self esteem I ever had was long gone and my health was seriously tanking fast. My best advice is to let go of that "fat girl" mentality. Too often we wear it like a suit of armor not a badge of courage. We're teased and tormented so severely we try to muster up all this false bravado to shield ourselves from being hurt yet again. It is simply wonderful you're doing this for your health- but you have to be ok with the fact there's nothing wrong with doing this to look good, too. You're not letting society or anyone else "win" by getting the Lap Band and losing weight. YOU are winning for taking control of your health so you can live a long, happy, healthy life with your husband. Best wishes to you

It is a constant battle that you will face from time to time throughout your journey, I'm 22 months post-op and still can catch myself eating too fast. What I try to do is go back to what I learned which is take a bite of food and then put the utensil down and chew, chew, chew it works if you are consciously eating and not eating looking at tv. LOL just a thought! I'm not perfect at it either so you're not alone - I also eat and do at 1 or 2 crossword so I don't just continue to put food in my mouth I concentrate on something else while I chew. Foods that still make me gurgle are salsa (anything tomato based) beef and chicken - pork not so much which is odd and crabmeat I can eat like no ones business.

I can totally understand your frustration and the waiting period can be daunting as we are all excited to start our journey. Try to be patient. It will come. You have dealt with your weight probably for a long time... what's a few more days. You DO belong. You are welcome and knowledge is power so it is good that you are on here even if you are not quite "there" yet.

I agree support is the brain tool. At first I thought I was missing so darn much when now I look back and I am not missing a darn thing except trash I was putting in my body every day.

I went through similar journey of starting out planning on lap band a couple of years ago, changing my mind, trying diet and exercise again for a year (unsuccessfully) not wanting to do bypass (for same reasons you stated) then deciding on sleeve. I do not have all of your health concerns other than a very lumpy bumpy thyroid with very little function, but so far it does not have to be removed. I did have several scares with chest pain (one that scared me enough to go to the emergency room) that turned out to be nothing, but it was enough to remind me that I want to live to see my children graduate college, get married, have grandchildren, travel etc....but if I kept on my current course, I was surely decreasing my chances of making it that far. Then my friend, who had the RNY operation four years ago, ran the NY Marathon. She looked great, she felt great and now she had accomplished something as incredible as that! Where was I, I was at my highest weight ever, 272 lbs feeling fat, tired, uncomfortable, embarrassed and miserable. I decided enough was enough and I got started on the journey to have the sleeve. It took 8 months of meetings with NUT, getting all the required work done etc, required by my insurance company. I had many moments of second thoughts, especially when I had to go for tests and things I would have otherwise never done in a million years. When my surgery was finally set, I almost cancelled about 100 times, I was so scared. BUT I went through with it on June 4th and I can honestly say it was the best thing I ever did! There were a few times in the hospital and during my first week home that I questioned what in the heck did I do to myself, but now I am getting used to the plan and I am down over 40 pounds since surgery and have never felt better! My point in telling you all of this is that it is human nature to cling to our old way of life because we are scared and it is what we know. It is really scary and hard to face the unknown of how things will be after surgery (and for me I had NEVER had surgery of any kind, so I was also really scared of the unknown of what that would be like). The tests and all the visits are a pain, but need to be soldiered through with your eye on the end goal...YOUR HEALTH! In the end, this surgery has helped so many people improve their health and their lives in unbelievable ways. I just read a post of someone who after 9 months is down 90 lbs and off of her 12 meds! With all of your health issues, imagine what life would be like for you if losing weight nullified or at least alleviated most of them! It is normal to be scared and uncertain, but in the end, don't let that get in the way of taking control of your life and your health. YOU ARE WORTH IT! Good luck to you. My prayers are with you that you can find peace and calm going through this process and that you have a safe and successful surgery.

I have the same problem with sugar foods. Like the cakes, cookies, and icecream. Even with the lap band its taken me 5 years after surgery to realize I just cant have them in my house. I have 10 more pounds to go and I believe these foods have always been my down fall. I too am a sugar addict.

Thanks Missy, I am more comfortable with the spoke word, than the written. I have been fat all my life, and the LB is a concept that I refused to even consider, so now that I have one, I need to find a way to use it to look at my life in a new way, Mistress Band is the person who is helping me do that. The humor for me is a reminder to not take myself too seriously, and a hint to others, that they may want to follow suite. BTW, just want you know how inspiring your journey is to me. You and several others on this board give me hope that one day I can succeed as well.

One of my favorite sayings is "I never said it would be easy, I only said it would be worth it." I understand your fears and they are good to have now because if they are were you know them then they will always stay fears and never realty. I look forward to reading your blog and going through this with you.

God didn't make us with 85% less stomach, but he also didn't make us to give into temptation and get ourselves to where we are today. The idea is to use those he has put in our path with the talent and ability to perform a procedure that will get us back to where God wants us. Healthy and able to avoid the temptation the devil puts in front of us so we don't abuse the beautiful body and life God was loving enough to give us in the first place. Don't give in to doubt! God put you here at this time for a reason. I feel that I'm here right now because this is where God needed me to be so I could benefit from the procedure the has helped the medical profession perfect. Years ago they would have taken my stomach, or I would have been wearing a mu-mu waiting to die from a coronary or a stroke. Now with this procedure, I get to keep my stomach, lose weight, be healthy and live a long, happy life. Good luck!!!