I have body dysmorphia. Hence the whole backstory of me thinking I was gigantic at 140lbs and having lipo and then gaining 150lbs from the lipo "not working" and me shoveling food into my face because "I was fat anyways".
ANYWAYS, I am basically at the weight I was when I had lipo a few years ago, and I find myself nitpicking again. I'm like "ugh, my calves are so thick and fat and ugh my inner thighs are fat". But I *know* I am not fat... I just see that little bit I can pinch and it drives me CRAZY. I'm having my skin removal in 3 months (which is actually legitimate) and I feel like it will be a temporary fix and right after I will find more things I am not happy with... and, just like the lipo, have unnecessary plastic surgeries in the attempt to achieve some misguided form of perfection.
I've talked to lots of therapists and I know what "caused" the body dysmorphia, but nothing's been helpful. I am very unreceptive and argumentative to therapy; it's my pessimistic nature, lol. I bought a self-image self-help workbook and I am putting my personal trainer certification on hold until I can work out some of my self-esteem issues. I also see people out and about that are very heavy and I either a) see myself as being that size or b) get really judgmental and disgusted, even though I was JUST that size a few months ago. It makes me feel like a terrible person.
Not really sure I have a point here LOL but while I *know* I've done well, I can't fully appreciate it because I still see so many imperfections. I am constantly critiquing every inch of me saying "oh, that needs to be smaller" "this needs to be toned" "I am so huge". I hope that I don't become one of those crazy people that spends 100k on plastics and ends up with a mask-face from endless Botox or something. 😖
Does anyone else struggle from body dysmorphia? How did you overcome it or if you haven't, how do you deal? How do you learn to love yourself after hating yourself since you were 8 years old??
I kinda' thought I had overcome all this, but the smaller I get... the more judgmental I am becoming of myself again. Like nothing will be good enough.