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So I survived vacation with only gaining 2 pounds, which came off in 2 days! Yay me. We (hubby helped a lot) did very good the first week at my moms. Shakes for breakfast and lunch, reasonable dinner. Even went to my favorite Italian restaurant and ordered meatballs, no appetizer and only had 1 bite of their signature almond cake. The beach was not as good. I'm not sure why...might have been because I had not told my in-laws about the surgery. Anyway it's over and I don't currently have another one scheduled so I should be well down my road before I have to figure that out. Had the endoscopy and it wasn't too bad. Arrived at 0700 (I was the first of the day). Was in the prep area by 0715...it was the first time in a long time that my husband couldn't come back with me. The nurse cracked me up...she asked if I wanted the larger gown and I thought Duh of course I do. Then she said....I think you could use the regular one...I mean your big but your not BIG....LOL I am too BIG that's why I'm here So I meet the anesthesiologist who is a nurse practitioner...I joked and said "I guess you are going to put me a little under" and he said "Actually we are going to put you a lot under" I guess that is sleepy time humor. Then Dr. Galvani comes in absent his usual entourage of students (I'm using a university hospital). He jokes that he will be slower because they usually do the paper work. IV is started, and by 745 I'm on my way into the procedure room. They put the mask over my nose, turn me on my left side, put a bite block in my mouth and I start to fight to stay awake. A bite block is a round tube like thing that they strapped onto my face (I guess they did, all I remember is being told to bite it but not hard). It protects the scope and keeps the mouth open during the procedure. The last thing I hear is Dr. Galvani talking to the others in the room about a different design for the room with stuff hanging from the ceiling...I think. I woke up back in the original staging area around 840. Had some gunk in my throat as I was waking up that they suctioned out. I swear that nurse had me out of bed and in the bathroom to get dressed within 10 minutes and I wobbled to the car at about 850 with a print out of pictures of my insides...kinda cool for a science nerd like me but hubby passed on the offer to look. We had always planned to go get breakfast so we took the long way to the café because I was feeling kinda woozy. Breakfast was uneventful except when I put pepper in my tea....but hey, that could happen any day right? Had only two lasting side effects...one was a slightly busted lower lip...apparently I caught my lip between my tooth and the bite block (it cleared up in 2 days) and I had a tenderness right under my left ear...which also went away. We putzed around in Tucson till my last NUT apt and my pre-surgery class...both of which went well. Back to work the next day, Friday and as I was driving home I got the call that the insurance had been approved! So I start my pre-op diet on 19 November and am scheduled for surgery on 03 December...This has been a long one so I'll talk about the irrational stupid self talk my brain is now putting me through later.

At 6.5 months post-op, I am 218lbs. I want to be 212 by 7 months out (12/5). That will be 100 lbs gone from my program start weight of 312. I want to be below 200 lbs before my birthday (February 7th). I will do it. I think as a stretch I could be 192 by my 38th birthday. I've come so far, but the finish line (150 lbs) still seems so far away. The weight will go when it wants to go. In fits and spurts.

One that isn't three sizes too big. Just in time for the polar vortex. FUN TIMES! I was hovering right between the XL and the 1X. I erred on the conservative side and got the 1X. I really think I could have gotten the XL and been okay.

Ambivalence is defined as the state of having mixed feelings or contradictory ideas about something. On this particular journey in my life I've decided that I have but only two kinds of days. The only way I can refer to them is as positive days and negative days. The two never seem to cross paths, and each morning promises one of the two. A new friend of mine that I have begun to get to know through this site, said it best; "It's almost like a strange retake on Groundhog's Day, where we've somehow got caught up in this (seemingly) never ending loop." That's exactly how I feel. I fall asleep at night thinking one of two things, either worry about the surgery and/or post op, or feeling excited about the surgery and/or post op success. I wake up feeling either anxious about how many days are left until surgery or hopeful about how positive my life will change for the better. I'm not quite sure why I keep vacillating so much between these two outlooks. The good thing about being on this site is that you can read all sorts of varying experiences from literally thousands and thousands of people. The bad thing about it is the exact same thing. It's the epitome of a catch 22. Sometimes when I read horror stories that people have gone through or turmoil that people going through right now as a result of surgery, its sets my nerves on overdrive. One side of me says, "that won't happen to me", and the other side says, "the risk here is real, even the risk of death". Those two extremes are just that. Extreme. Granted, I'm relatively healthy other than morbid obesity, degenerative arthritis and fibromyalgia. I don't have blood pressure problems or heart issues. But, the clock is ticking. I am getting no younger and no thinner being incapable of exercise in this state that I'm in. I know that I've made the right choice and I know that the more positive I remain, the better I will do. If I don't go through this surgery, one thing is for sure, I will get sicker, I will get heavier, and I will face more health challenges. My mind is made up, I just wish I could stop this cycle.

So I have not lost any weight in 2 days...disappointing! I am stuck at 221. I was so looking forward to being under 220. but not this time..So I started to reevaluated what I am eating (Drinking) and I know I was adding fruit to my shakes and thought, oh I better stop that!! so I did last night and today.... and then there was my little snacking I did yesterday on peanut butter pretzels. I only had like 5 total and they are those tiny little square ones... but regardless I was not supposed to have them..so this morning I threw them in the trash... today so far I have been really good and plan to be for the next 5 days. I really want to be under 220. its been a really long time since I was under that weight. I feel like exercise is one of the most important tools and I do walk, but I think I need to add in weights as well. I have an entire curves gym in my basement so I think my next goal is to start using those machines. I am sure I will be very weak after surgery, but I will do what I can and work myself up to them after surgery.... Feeling excited about the surgery...still nervous.. I think I am more worried about the pain afterwards and the gas pains in my chest that everyone talks about...and then the pain in my throat from the tubes that will be down there...and then I worry about possibly needing my gallbladder out like alot of people post about. I know they say a 20% chance of that but I keep reading post that people needed theirs out. Scary!.. I am afraid of ending up dehydrated...and most of all I am afraid that I will go back to my old ways and gain everything I will lose back. So scary. They told us in group that we get one honeymoon stage so enjoy it for as long as I can...that once you start gaining you can't go back to the honeymoon stage....So I hope I can stay in that stage forever. My boyfriend and I are Italian and we love food and our families love to feed us...its hard, I am sure everyone has their reasons for eating... I pray that this weekend when we go to his family's house that they understand I am ON A DIET (famous last words) and I can't have pasta and meatballs and bread! fingers crossed they leave me alone with just eating a salad. :-) ok, I better get back to work.....