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Oh my god, you could have opened up my brain and took those thoughts right out. As I started reading your words I started to cry, because this is how I feel and have felt for the past year. Sure a year ago I was still big but I at least tried to hide the emotions and look as if I was fine. Now I don't even leave my house unless it is for work or to go to the store. I used to love doing my hair, makeup, and get my nails done. Now I feel so disgusted with my body and how I feel I cant hardly bring myself to color the grey in my hair..lol Its crazy to know that if someone else can relate to what you're feeling it makes it a little better. I guess I just feel alone because I am the "biggest" one in my group of every day life people and I just don't think they understand how "Fat" is not just something on your body but it is a state of mind as well. Thank you for putting your feelings out there!