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It's not getting much easier. I'm sticking with the diet changes that I'm supposed to make, but they are not easy! Sometimes I just want a sandwich! Or a bowl of cereal. That used to be a great, easy dinner when I didn't feel like cooking. We've been eating eggs a lot lately. When I make them over medium (with the yolk still runny), I just want a piece of white bread to sop up that yolk! It's the best thing in the world when you can't have it. I can do without pasta - except for Aunt Faye's mac & cheese that I only get on holidays. That's my only pasta vice. I will have a bite (or 3) of that at Christmas time - no matter what. Hopefully by then I'll have had surgery and be well enough to be ok with the occasional treat. Don't get me wrong, I'm not planning my cheats even before I get my surgery date. There are so many things that I shouldn't have that I can absolutely see myself never wanting again. And I am ok with that. I would be totally satisfied if I never had spaghetti noodles with my meatballs & sauce again. Like I said, pasta isn't a big thing for me, unless you put a pan of Aunt Faye's mac & cheese in front of me... I would be completely happy to never have white bread again - I'll be just as happy with some yummy whole grain ONCE IN A WHILE. There are too many sugar free options for me to worry about every having sugar again, no worries there. Rice - eh - not a big deal to me. I would like to be able to have some really good sushi again, but I'm sure my sleeve will only allow so much. I'm ok with that. I'll just make sure that I have the best quality to make up for the quantity. Potatoes aren't that big of a deal for me either. Who doesn't love a nice baked potato or yummy garlic mashed potatoes, but I'd much rather have that filet. I can make those choices and not feel deprived. I'll be fine with it. Do you see what I've done here? It was not my intention to write about what I can do. It was my intention to rant a little and let off steam about how much I just wanted to give up. But here I go - I've convinced myself that I can do without these things. I've turned my head hunger around just a little bit and reminded myself that I don't need it. I know someday I'll be able to add some of these starches back into my life, but for now, they aren't priority. Yes, I miss bread & rice & potatoes! I'm only human. But I can make this journey. I can do what I have to do. I want to do this! I need to do this! My life depends on this. In my first consultation, Doc told me that my chances of living to age 65 were 10%. I'm 35 years old. I never thought it was this bad. I knew I was fat - that was never a secret. I knew I was doomed to high blood pressure & diabetes. It's all over my family. But I never thought I'd hear someone tell me that I probably wasn't going to make it to retirement age. My last two years have been tough medically. And it seems to never end. I truly believe that it can all be alleviated, or at least helped, if I could just get rid of this weight. I'm carrying around enough weight to almost equal 3 of my 14 year old daughter. WOW! That's a lot! I can not continue to live like this. I don't know where I'm finding this discipline, but I thank God for it. It's so hard. I just pray it will be worth it in the end.

My company specifically wrote out Bariatric Surgery from my plan. I have worked for the same company for five years and each year I would pray that they would change their minds and allow WLS. Nothing happened. In 2012 my father passed away from a heart attack, he was only 63. At that point my obesity was making me so uncomfortable I thought that I could be the next one to go. If I lay on my back at night to go to sleep I would wake up with panic attacks that I couldn't breathe. I literally had thoughts that I would go to sleep and not wake up. I kept saying to myself, when you get your WLS your life will change but at the same time I kept eating. Finally, on November 30th 2013, I began praying the St. Andrew Christmas Novena. For those who aren't Catholic or religious, a novena is a prayer that you say so many times a day or for a number of consecutive days. I am not in the habit of asking God for things for myself. I usually pray for my friends and my family or in thanksgiving for what I have already been blessed with. This time though, after I prayed the novena prayer I asked God to work a miracle in my life that I would be able to afford WLS. I had no savings to speak of, especially not $13400. I prayed the novena faithfully through advent and up to Christmas Eve, each day asking God for intercession in my life. Some days I felt very guilty because my Aunt was dying of lung cancer and I shouldn't be asking for something for myself but for her. Christmas came and went and my prayer wasn't answered but I was determined that I would get my surgery somehow but I had other things to focus on, like my aunt. My Aunt passed away on January 18th. I delved into the planning of her funeral services which would be held on February 1st. I also decided that I would enter the medically supervised weight loss plan offered by my WLS office. I had my consultation with them, did the H-Pylori testing, and scheduled a time for my first follow up appointment for when I started the diet. I was going to start the diet on 2/3/14. The day of my Aunt's funeral came. The service was very nice, I was able to sing the Psalm without being too overwhelmed and gave her Eulogy since her own children were so devastated by her loss. My Dad's side of the family came to the funeral to pay their respects. Afterward my grandfather asked to speak to me and my brothers. What came next was the shock of my life. My sweet Grandpa who loved us all very much and would send us small tokens of $20 in birthday cards, seemingly out of the blue, gifted my brothers and myself with $14,000 each. There is no question in my mind that this was the answer to my Novena prayer, that Grandpa was inspired by God to gift us a portion of our inheritance so that he could see us enjoy it while he was alive. I cried. It was just enough to have my surgery. It was the most profound feeling, God had heard me, He listened to my prayer, He said yes! I started the iMetabolic Diet as scheduled with a new found vigor as I knew that I would be getting my surgery. I lost 23lbs by my 1st appointment 17 days later. I scheduled my surgery for March 12th, 2014. The day of surgery I had lost 38lbs. Since surgery I am down 60 more. Every day I am driven by thankfulness, to my grandfather for his gift, but even more so to our Heavenly Father for his intervention in my life. I know there are skeptics who would think that this is just coincidental, and I say believe what you will. And I will continue to recognize God's intervention in my life.