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Exactly 6 weeks post-op I will get on a plane and fly back east to the wedding of two of my best friends. I have not seen this group since last Thanksgiving and I'm totally nervous about this trip. My weight loss isn't dramatic, but we are a party group and my non-partying ways will be noted. I admit to testing my limits with alcohol with this new stomach which I know is a no-no but I made sure to be super active for two days to combat the calories. I knew I would never go back to my partying ways and as 30 looms another year away I made my peace with that. But now... knowing what I'm heading back into.... I wonder how I pull this off. I am not telling anyone about my surgery. My body is my business and they love me regardless so I feel no need. I just worry about how to combine two lifestyles that do not go together at all. Oh and also about making a fool of myself if I have three glasses of wine. The best part is... I have another wedding to go to at the end of August and I get to do this all over again.

I had to put my WLS surgery on hold again, because I discovered I have an eating disorder. It is not the two you think of when you think "Eating Disorder" it's closer to Binge Eating Disorder. That is characterized as episodes of emotional overeating, past the point of fullness. .. I'm currently undergoing treatment at Centre Syracuse for my binge eating disorder. I still know I need WLS but I also know from my research that, having an eating disorder, makes me a very poor candidate for that surgery. That doesn't mean I can't get Binge eating under control, it just might be a little - longer? Which isn't a happy prospect for me as I'm barely walking as it is now with my weight and spinal fusion. I'm in a 6 week program that will supposedly help me decrease my bingeing and focus on the reasons behind why I binge eat emotionally - while teaching me to see food not as comfort or fun or helpful emotionally (subconsciously what I've been thinking) - but as a prescription or medicine I need to keep my body healthy. How to eat in a healthy way while combating what it was that caused me not to eat healthy. This does NOT mean it will help me lose weight. I've maintained my weight the 3 weeks I've been there. The dietitians /therapists/ psychologists in the program taught me what it was like to "diet" from an evolutionary standpoint - the body doesn't 'get it", doesn't understand that it's supposed to stay at a lower weight. It's made for saving fat not getting rid of it, and they believe that it's normal to binge after periods of intense dieting because that's what your body craves. They also taught me 52% of people do not only not lose weight on diets but gain it back AND THEN SOME. This is something docs dont' want you to know - you really have no alternative if you get to a certain "set point" weight (and your brain can arbitrarily make new "set points" if your weight goes up... but not down unfortunately). WLS is one of the only ways proven in some cases to help you lose weight and keep it off - this doesn't mean it works for everyone (my research from both sides of the argument - shows about 60% of people do well with weight loss surgery long term) but for me that's a big enough number and 20% (for those that experience serious complications over their lifetime from WLS) is a small enough number for me to do the surgery. I'm not being naiive about it, I know there are serious risks and I could end up gaining all the weight back (and then some)... I saw both sides of the argument for and against WLS and with my health problems they are risks I'm willing to take. I went on websites for WLS (like this one) and many that are against. One of my good friend's mother just died from WLS a couple of months ago. I'm fairly sure she helped contribute to her problems but was it the WLS that did ultimatlely kill her? Yes. I know many who are in the hospital from WLS complications. But then I know those that did great with WLS long term as well. It's a gamble and the sad truth of it is that while there are factors under our control, it's a gamble who will do well and who won't. There just isn't the research into the long term effects yet. But people are still dying every day of obesity related illnesses. So the WLS becomes a necessity for our current epidemic. Again it's a risk I'm willing to take. But back to Binge Eating Disorder. I've found through 3 weeks of intense therapy that the causes of an eating disorder are very multifaceted. Some of them for me personally, was my traumatic upbringing, past abuse, the fact I had to "nurture" myself since a young age, and physical concerns (hormones, genetics, back and ankle surgery - physical limitations to exercise), And the program went into the 'addiction' to food caused by increased dopamine in the brain some brains react with high calorie foods. I happened to be that lucky individual in a group that does react that way. I also happen to be part of the 52% of people that actually gain all their weight back AND THEN SOME when I traditional diet (by binge eating - see description above). There's actually has a lot of medical or scientifically based reasons why it feels like I'm "Addicted" to overeating... of course there are ways to treat it. It involves intense emotional therapy, PTSD therapy, and trauma work. It also involves body image work, and individualized talk therapy with different techniques. And a new prespective about how we view food ... no more 'celebrating' with food (hey good job, want a cookie - type thing) etc. None of this will help me lose weight, it will just help me maintain my weight before and help me to not regain the weight after surgery. WLS is the only thing that is going to actually help me lose the weight - it's up to me to keep it off. Which is why I've enlisted help professionally with my eating disorder. Binge eating disorder is actually more common than Anorexia and Bulimia HOWEVER it is the least treated or talked about because of stigma surrounding it. I think that's very sad. Trying to 'get it right' the first time, and hopefully only time I need WLS. 3 more weeks in program *whew* I'm ready. Today out sick because of Obesity related issues, Urinary Tract Infection, and Diabetic Skin Rashes. But tomorrow is a new day, and going back to program.