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I go in on April 2. Really trying not to freak out. I just keep reminding myself what my life was like before I gained weight and what my life is like now. I want my old life back, cuz this, this isn't living. ...right?

*sigh* Not a good day yesterday. I had been invited to a lunch thing with girlfriends and went. I had checked out the menu online in advance and discovered that there was very very little in the way of healthy foods. It turns out it's not a buffet, but you choose food from the menu and for one price they bring as much as you can eat. Suffice to say, I ate. And not well. I ate a piece of beef that threatened to stick but fortunately didn't. I was able to eat a stunning amount of food. To make matters worse, I decided I needed a dessert on the way home. And in my attempt to gobble it down, I had pain like nothing I've felt before in my life. I'm upset because, EVEN AFTER PAIN, I still wanted that 'treat'. Even after feeling sick from eating so much, even after so much pain, I WANTED it and I kept the remainder and ate it very slowly late last night. I'm glad it's gone. Today I am very sore, really sore and need to return to a liquid diet today. How can that be - to want something so bad, that has no nutrition, that I'm willing to hurt myself to eat crap. What does that say about my self esteem? I was banded only two weeks and two days ago. It's disgusting.and I'm hell bent on getting to the reason why that was acceptable previous to surgery and still is. I'm pleased that I'm at least aware of this, and I know that this is an issue, but I swear, until I figure out how to unravel it all, it will continue to be a problem for me. More than anything - I'm disappointed. I'd love to say that my upcoming first fill will take care of this, but that's bull*hit*. That doesn't address the why, and that I'm likely to still find a way to eat around the band. I wish myself peace and kindness to myself today.