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Today is Day 5 of my pre-op shake diet. I'm really growing to dread "meal time". I guess it doesn't help that I've also been sick the past few days. All I want is a little soup. I've been eating my vegetables for dinner. I never thought I'd ever be looking forward to eating asparagus and cauliflower! I'm doing this for a reason. It will all be worth it when I start dropping pounds. This is the first time in years that I actually have a chance to get down to a reasonable size. Right now my first goal isn't even getting out of plus size clothes sizes. I've been shopping in plus size stores for so long! It really doesn't bother me. My first goal is to be able to shop in the regular section of stores that sell XXL like Old Navy or Target. I guess that would make my first goal a size 18. From here at 4X, that seems like a long way off, but I know I can do it!

"As I look back over my life, and I think things over, I can truly say that I've been blessed" I'm headed in to get my labs drawn for my one year appointment that is coming up very soon! I am just in shock over the fact that I was able to take this journey. I am so happy with the decision I made over a year ago to pursue WLS. I would have to say, without a doubt, that is the best and hardest decision I have ever made. There were days when I wanted to give up and had eaten badly, but I got back on the saddle and rode this one out! This morning I stepped on the scale to discover that I have lost 98lbs! That is 4 additional lbs to the last time I checked. I now completely understand that this is life-changing. I will never stop maintaining what I have worked so hard for. I have spent $$$ on vitamins, co-pays, supplements, medicines, etc. I am invested and I want to protect this investment of good health with living healthy. I feel like a different person when I step into public places. I am no longer as insecure and ashamed as I walked around feeling for years. I feel like I might cry through my entire appt this week. They have a picture of me the day before surgery. I have not seen it, but I know I am bigger than my license picture. As a reward to myself (and getting tired of people focusing and questioning that I am the person on my license) I am going to the Secretary of State to get a new picture and new license mailed to me. This will be another little happy gift to myself. It truly is the NSV that make me so content. Congratulations to the people that are celebrating their one year surgery anniversaries with me this month! I know I was on this site 24/7 as I rested after surgery. I am so appreciative for all the great advice on the blogs and chat rooms here. I couldn't have made it so well through my first month without this site. I started back when this site was verticalsleevetalk.com. Thank you everyone for the encouragement when I needed it, and the advice to give me discipline. I am emotional now just writing this. We have all made it over hurdles that we didn't know we had the strength to do.

Last week I was losing weight like crazy. This week the weight loss slowed to a crawl and hit a speed bump. I did keep up with my exercise. And I faithfully, brutally honestly, kept up with entries in My Fitness Pal. I am eating soooo much better than I used to. No fast food, no sodas. Lots of healthy food. This week though, I ate out 3 times and went to gatherings at a friend's house twice this weekend. Wednesday I went to lunch at Chuy's (a mexican restaurant). I felt I made a really good choice with my meal. Lot's of protein, not much carbs. Didn't even finish it. Only ate about 5 chips from the basket of never ending chips. Later that night the hubby and I went to dinner with his parents at Texas Roadhouse. The thought of it mortified me.That place seems so unhealthy. I looked at the menu online before I went so I would already know what I wanted. I had Grilled Shrimp with rice and broccoli. I only ate about 1/4 cup of the rice and all 10 shrimp. I had 10 peanuts so that I would stay away from the bread but I did pinch off a small piece of the bread and dip it in that delicious cinnamon butter. Thursday I worked my butt off at work and picked up Chinese for dinner. I've really been trying to stay away from the carbs but I'll allow myself some rice every now and then. I ate leftovers for lunch the next day on Friday. Friday I had a long exhausting day at work. Some friends had invited us over to see their new house. We had appetizers and I drank an entire bottle of wine! Oh boy! 615 calories worth of wine down the hatch! Plus appetizers. I didn't go crazy over them, but it was hard not too. I had about 8 meatballs and a couple of spring rolls. And it was the first time I have gone over my daily calorie limit on My Fitness Pal. The next day I was up a pound. Of course. I am a daily weigher. I know some people think you shouldn't but I'm a rational person. I know weight goes up and down. I like though, that that one pound makes me say, hey! don't eat so much today. That night, Saturday night, we unexpectedly went over to a friend's house for her birthday. And again. Appetizers and wine. This time I didn't drink a whole bottle, but I had a few glasses. My Fitness Pal almost reached out and slapped me in the face. And...I was up another 1/2 pound. I really haven't eaten out since I had my surgery, then all of a sudden it was like everyday. It made me feel a little out of control. Though I can guesstimate calories on My Fitness Pal, you don't really know how that food is being prepared behind the scenes. Bobby the cook could be a little heavy handed with the butter. Oh and the wine. Whine whine. I love my wine. I don't drink all the time. Maybe an average of two to three times a month, but when I do, I like to catch a good buzz. But the calories!!! I guess I will really have to watch my meals a lot better on those days. I'm looking forward to my first fill this Tuesday to help with the between meals hunger. And this week all meals will be made at home. No wine for a while. No whine for a while.

I have not been around as much lately and several LBT friends have asked why…… I was banded in February of 2012, lost 80 pounds in 10 months and have maintained that weight until I had a tummy tuck on Halloween… After the surgery I had 2 drains, they were removed after 2 weeks. Within 5 days, my tummy filled up with fluid and my doctor drained it (this is like drilling for oil with a really BIG needle….. not fun!). Within about 5 days my tummy was full again so my doctor put a drain back in. The next week the area above my belly button filled up with fluid and I had another drain put in just below my bra line. About a week later I had the upper drain removed & that issue was resolved, BUT…. I was still accumulating over 50cc of fluid a day from my lower drain. Doc said the magic number was less than 20cc a day for 2 days in a row, well that wasn’t happening. So on Monday doc flushed Ethanol thru the tubing of my drain into the pocket in my tummy (100cc total). This is supposed to irritate the area between my skin & abdomen wall and cause it to stick together. Today (Thursday) I am still getting 30cc of fluid a day from my drain…… I go back to the doctor Monday. My options are, do the flush again and if that doesn’t work…..another surgery. Ugh Complications happen, I know that. But, how has this affected me mentally? Well, I can’t exercise (every time I do the amount of fluid goes up), I can’t go in my hot tub with my husband (open incision), Have this glamorous drain to carry around in my pocket….. IT SUCKS! And I have gotten very depressed over it. I have disconnected from my life lines (Local support group, LBT wait I mean Bariatric Pal, and my family) Yes I looked to food for comfort. (We won’t even add the holidays on top of all this….) So you wonder….how is my weight? I am about 10 pound over my original goal weight (I weigh between 177-180, depends on the day). But even more important is how I am mentally? I will be honest, I am struggling. I am pissed, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? WHY? Oh WHY? OH WHY????? Full on pitty me party here!!!! This is my confession, I am not the perfect role model. I struggle, I have pitty me parties, I ask why me…… and so I stayed away from my support. Too many people saw me as inspiration. How can I be inspiration when I am like this???? I am taking my complications day by day. I am not giving up (& yes the tummy tuck was worth it). I just don’t think I can motivate anyone right now.

I gave myself and my daughter post-Christmas presents, memberships at Planet Fitness. Since I don't drive and PF allows you to bring a guest, my son gets one by association - he will be my driver. The problem is that with this extreme cold weather, my fibro has been in overdrive. I don't like to go out when it is really cold because it aggravates my pain so I've been following the exercises set up by my pre-op personal trainer and my post-op physcial therapist.

I didn't wake up with a headache today so that's always good. I'm not sleeping very well as I'm still on the recliner. I may try the bed tonight. I briefly attempted it yesterday for a nap & it wasn't happening. I'm still sore but it's early in the day & I haven't walked around too much. I plan on taking a shower (as I do every day). Might actually blow dry my hair today. I washed it yesterday but had NO energy to blow dry it. Suffice to say, I had a great hair day yesterday I understand the importance of walking so I'm going to take a short shopping trip with my daughter to Game Stop. Well, let's hope it's a short trip. I'll probably write again today to talk more about how I feel. For those that know, no bm's for me yet. I've always had a little issue with that prior to surgery so why be different now. I am talking a stool softner once a day just to be safe. I have flax seed but you can't really add that to clear liquids without it being nasty so I may buy some miralax or benefiber as suggested by lots of people on line here. Be back a little later. Have a great Monday! *** It's about 5pm now. The nurse from my Dr's office called me to check & see how things were going. She said it sounded like things were progressing normally. She didn't seemed very concerned over my "bm" issue saying that it can easily take 3-7 days, especially since I'm on liquids. But, that I should focus on increasing my liquid intake, adding a stool softner & trying benefiber. Aside from that, she said its normal for my left side to hurt as that is where the band was removed & where my stomach is positioned. She'd be concerned if I said my right side hurt. Oh, she did say my low grade fever sounded like it was related to being dehydrated. She says the goal is 64 oz per day but that I should at least shoot for 32 while on clear liquids. I asked that the NUT call me as I had a few protein shake related questions. She thinks I'm ready to start Week 2 on Wednesday (instead of Thursday) based on what I told her. While I remember thinking (pre-surgery), "oh wow, 2 tablespoons of food 5 times a day sounds like starvation,' I now think that's a feast & I can't wait to very sloooowly take my first bite of cream of wheat, instant oatmeal, creamy soups or mashed potatoes!!!! I'm not sure what to try first but I thought cream of wheat might be a safe start. I think I read I can also try yogurt but I'm partially lactose intolerant so I may just hold off until I know what I can handle. Last thing I want is gas pain. I may actually log into my work computer tomorrow for an hour or so just to check in on things. I don't want to sit & spend hours in front of my work computer yet, but I would like to see whats up. I have a co-worker coming to visit me after work today. Hope I don't scare her away, LOL. My follow is scheduled for Feb 14th..... and so, my journey continues...

This week has been very stressful! I would catch myself picking something up unhealthy to eat and stop right before I took a bite. I've come a long way baby! This is the type of munching I have always done. This brings me to my next point. I was not happy with the changes to the site originally; however, my viewpoint has changed. When I need to keep focused I get on here and read and respond to people and it gets my brain back on track. I don't even mind reading the negative stuff. I actually find it comical. NOT ALL - there are exception to every rule, but for the most part they are not working their band. So, today I put down that potato chip and grabbed a Greek yogurt. I didn't realize I had the WILL to WANT this so badly... but I do! Here's to letting go of the things I cannot control and focusing on what I CAN CONTROL.

Destructive thoughts within our minds can keep us in despair... those doubts and insecurities are not worth the pain they bear. It's sad to carry baggage that causes grief and shame... and in time we come to realize we have ourselves to blame. We can choose our way of thinking and ask God to give us peace... as we pray for a healthy attitude, our negative thoughts will cease. These human hearts are fragile and sometimes we can't see... it takes some effort on our part to find worth and security. Don't let those demons haunt you and keep you in the dark... just know that God, who formed you, loves you just the way you are.

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.