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Last week I was losing weight like crazy. This week the weight loss slowed to a crawl and hit a speed bump. I did keep up with my exercise. And I faithfully, brutally honestly, kept up with entries in My Fitness Pal. I am eating soooo much better than I used to. No fast food, no sodas. Lots of healthy food. This week though, I ate out 3 times and went to gatherings at a friend's house twice this weekend. Wednesday I went to lunch at Chuy's (a mexican restaurant). I felt I made a really good choice with my meal. Lot's of protein, not much carbs. Didn't even finish it. Only ate about 5 chips from the basket of never ending chips. Later that night the hubby and I went to dinner with his parents at Texas Roadhouse. The thought of it mortified me.That place seems so unhealthy. I looked at the menu online before I went so I would already know what I wanted. I had Grilled Shrimp with rice and broccoli. I only ate about 1/4 cup of the rice and all 10 shrimp. I had 10 peanuts so that I would stay away from the bread but I did pinch off a small piece of the bread and dip it in that delicious cinnamon butter. Thursday I worked my butt off at work and picked up Chinese for dinner. I've really been trying to stay away from the carbs but I'll allow myself some rice every now and then. I ate leftovers for lunch the next day on Friday. Friday I had a long exhausting day at work. Some friends had invited us over to see their new house. We had appetizers and I drank an entire bottle of wine! Oh boy! 615 calories worth of wine down the hatch! Plus appetizers. I didn't go crazy over them, but it was hard not too. I had about 8 meatballs and a couple of spring rolls. And it was the first time I have gone over my daily calorie limit on My Fitness Pal. The next day I was up a pound. Of course. I am a daily weigher. I know some people think you shouldn't but I'm a rational person. I know weight goes up and down. I like though, that that one pound makes me say, hey! don't eat so much today. That night, Saturday night, we unexpectedly went over to a friend's house for her birthday. And again. Appetizers and wine. This time I didn't drink a whole bottle, but I had a few glasses. My Fitness Pal almost reached out and slapped me in the face. And...I was up another 1/2 pound. I really haven't eaten out since I had my surgery, then all of a sudden it was like everyday. It made me feel a little out of control. Though I can guesstimate calories on My Fitness Pal, you don't really know how that food is being prepared behind the scenes. Bobby the cook could be a little heavy handed with the butter. Oh and the wine. Whine whine. I love my wine. I don't drink all the time. Maybe an average of two to three times a month, but when I do, I like to catch a good buzz. But the calories!!! I guess I will really have to watch my meals a lot better on those days. I'm looking forward to my first fill this Tuesday to help with the between meals hunger. And this week all meals will be made at home. No wine for a while. No whine for a while.

I have not been around as much lately and several LBT friends have asked why…… I was banded in February of 2012, lost 80 pounds in 10 months and have maintained that weight until I had a tummy tuck on Halloween… After the surgery I had 2 drains, they were removed after 2 weeks. Within 5 days, my tummy filled up with fluid and my doctor drained it (this is like drilling for oil with a really BIG needle….. not fun!). Within about 5 days my tummy was full again so my doctor put a drain back in. The next week the area above my belly button filled up with fluid and I had another drain put in just below my bra line. About a week later I had the upper drain removed & that issue was resolved, BUT…. I was still accumulating over 50cc of fluid a day from my lower drain. Doc said the magic number was less than 20cc a day for 2 days in a row, well that wasn’t happening. So on Monday doc flushed Ethanol thru the tubing of my drain into the pocket in my tummy (100cc total). This is supposed to irritate the area between my skin & abdomen wall and cause it to stick together. Today (Thursday) I am still getting 30cc of fluid a day from my drain…… I go back to the doctor Monday. My options are, do the flush again and if that doesn’t work…..another surgery. Ugh Complications happen, I know that. But, how has this affected me mentally? Well, I can’t exercise (every time I do the amount of fluid goes up), I can’t go in my hot tub with my husband (open incision), Have this glamorous drain to carry around in my pocket….. IT SUCKS! And I have gotten very depressed over it. I have disconnected from my life lines (Local support group, LBT wait I mean Bariatric Pal, and my family) Yes I looked to food for comfort. (We won’t even add the holidays on top of all this….) So you wonder….how is my weight? I am about 10 pound over my original goal weight (I weigh between 177-180, depends on the day). But even more important is how I am mentally? I will be honest, I am struggling. I am pissed, why is this happening to me? What did I do to deserve this? WHY? Oh WHY? OH WHY????? Full on pitty me party here!!!! This is my confession, I am not the perfect role model. I struggle, I have pitty me parties, I ask why me…… and so I stayed away from my support. Too many people saw me as inspiration. How can I be inspiration when I am like this???? I am taking my complications day by day. I am not giving up (& yes the tummy tuck was worth it). I just don’t think I can motivate anyone right now.

I told him what you wrote! Lol He's kind of being responsible for his own meals. He said he'd do the grocery shopping, too.

Thanks everyone for your love & support. I really appreciate it. I go back to the doctor on Monday, so fingers cross that we have good news.

good to see you AJ and understand the struggles you are having...maybe not the extent you are experiencing but i can def (feel) your mental anguish, your being down on your self...you ARE most def loved by this forum and by your family and your friends and even Sammy Hagar......YOU are amazing....... you are and continue to be a success a great inspiration and one helluva woman. much love to you your friend forever VA

A lot of people ask me " How does it feel to have lost all that weight?" and I never can find the words to express the joy I have. It's actually taken some time for me to be comfortable with my weight loss. Contrary to popular belief, losing the weight isn't the hardest part. Accepting the "new you" and every ones reaction to the "new you" is the tricky part. It amazes me sometimes how superficial the world really can be. You would think that weighing in at over 350 lbs would make you stand out but the truth is; it was as if I was invisible. No one really pays any attention to a person of that size, not positive attention anyway. There are things as a larger person that I never really gave much thought to that I absolutely have to now. For example, I never thought about being raped or attacked at my highest weight. The reality is that it is a much bigger challenge to prey on someone that big ( Not saying it doesn't happen, just not as often). I never gave fashion much thought either. Lets be honest, if it wasn't a Lane Bryant, Ashley Stewart, Torrid or Catherine's around then I would have been wearing bed sheets or curtains. At one point it was just a matter of "Is it going to fit?" versus " Does it look good on me?". Saying the word "NO" was also a huge challenge for me. I was a self proclaimed "People Pleaser". I figured by saying "yes" to everything and everyone, it would help them overlook my obvious weight problem. I also hid behind my sense of humor. People like funny people no matter what they look like. And me making fun of myself hurt less then someone else doing it. The world seems much friendlier then it used to now. I get smiles and greeted everywhere I go. It's like men came out of nowhere. Its like I got a face lift and record deal all at the same time! I don't think one can ever get used to the attention given after such a physical transformation. I had to learn how to live a new life. I had to establish a "New Normal", life's new routine. It' s the little things that we take for granted that make such a big change in our lives. Walking up a flight of stairs without passing out, being able to fit at any booth at a restaurant, breathing/sleeping normally or just being able to wear denim jeans again made all the difference. With limited mobility, something as small as going to the mailbox was a task. Losing the weight opened up a whole new window of opportunity. I started dreaming again. I started setting goals for myself that actually seem attainable now. I was so used to my hum drum existence that I never really considered my future. Waking up with excitement for what the day will bring, grateful to just be alive and ready to take on anything instead of never wanting to leave the house, wanting to end it all and bracing myself for the worse. Sometimes I have to stop and ask myself "Is this really my life?". Adjusting to my life's new routine is a day to day effort. Its like losing someone close to you. The absence of their presence leaves you lost and unclear about the future. It's like time stops and your stuck, not knowing what to do, what to think or how to live. Parting ways with my former self also left me with those same feelings. It too was like a death. That other person is gone and I'm now left with a "New me". I can no longer hide behind the weight or use it as an excuse. I have to be brave now. Walk in a confidence that I never had before. People see me now. Some even look up to me and are inspired by my story. It truly blows my mind how life can take such a turn for the better. Embracing my life's new routine has been both a rewarding and challenging experience. Today, I want you to think about your life and all the changes that have come. Are you ready to find your "New Normal"? The funny thing about life is that NOTHING ever stays the same. You can decide to remain stuck or roll with the punches.