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'Twas the night before surgery and all through the house everything was quiet even this mouse! Well in 12 hours I will be leaving for the hospital to begin a new chapter in my life. I never thought this was a road I would be taking but here I am nevertheless. It has been an eye opening journey so far. My pre-op diet turned out to be a total success. For 14 days I followed all the rules and directions of my surgeon and nutritionist. It was a positive experience and actually taught me a lot about myself. I can do what I must even when it puts me in an uncomfortable spot. I've re-learned what TRUE hunger is and I now have a better and more intimate understanding of what head hunger is and feels like. I wonder why I never strayed for these past 2 weeks and then I came to this conclusion. Besides laying on that operating table for the surgery, I have one job...and one job only. Shrink my liver! Well, I figure since they need to move it a bit I could at least make it as lean and non-slippery as possible. I've read many posts lately about how people are falling off the "pre-op wagon" and that its okay because after all if we could stay on a 2week diet we wouldn't need weight loss surgery would we....those posts really got to me. But in the end, I am only responsible for me and my body. I've abused it enough over the past 44 years so i figured I could do it right for 14 days at least. So I am not saying I am any better than the next person, because I surely am not....but perhaps people should think about those goldfish or that cheeseburger....is it really worth it....ummm, for me....NO. And please know, with a 3 and 6 year old I made it thru making lunches (with extra peanut butter on the knife)...lots of snacks (some with just a cookie or two left in the bag)...and meals (nothings better than leftover mac and cheese from my kids' plates). I lived my life and made it work because I HAD TO! I've learned more about fear and uncertainty...constantly wondering if this was a good decision, the right decision, what may or may not happen before, during and after surgery. Will I love it....will my band be good to me...will i be good to it???....will I have success like so many here. Lots and lots of unanswered questions. I've learned more about support and friendship. I've met many nice people, on this forum and in person, and am happy to now call several of them friends. It's nice to have a place to go and people who support you. A place like this...a place to come and not be judged....for what you look like or how "large" you are. That's a rare thing in todays cruel society. I sit here on my couch feeling very calm and at peace and it bothers me a little that I am not more nervous...since that is my nature. Granted, my one and only concern....and its a biggy....is I just want to wake up from this surgery and know that I will see my babies again. I know that I will...I've come this far and all of this has happened for a reason. For me, I'm going to take each new day as it comes....each one is a gift and I am walking forward on this journey with good thoughts and the hopes of positive things to come. Tomorrow's a new day! A day to celebrate a new and healthier me! I want this...I want it bad. I'm willing to work and following what I must. I'm willing to take responsibility for me and my new little friend that will soon become a part of me! Sometimes it takes a lot of faith and a lot of work....I'm ready for both!

This past Week or so has indeed been a busy one. Last Saturday (9/14) Kelli and I along with our friends participated in 5K Walk for Breast Cancer Awareness. Walking a 5K is pretty much a breeze for me...or so I thought. I finished no problem but I did learn along the way that walking a 5K on the public streets is not the same as walking a track or a treadmill. I did end up finishing with a pretty decent time of slightly over an hour. We had a great time and it was for a good cause. We were walking in honor of our friends Mom who had passed roughly 8 months ago. We called our team Bosom Buddies and on the back we had his Mom's initials. Almost to the finish line...styling in my pink shirt.. Kelli (knick1016) and I Finish line!! Sunday was busy day as well between Laundry, Grocery shopping day to day stuff. Kelli had band surgery Monday. She got the Realize band. She was in surgery for about an hour and everything went great. As with all patients she stayed over night at the hospital and came home on Tuesday afternoon. She is on the mend but is dealing with the usual gas cramps and fighting some nausea today. I am excited for her as her journey is just beginning and she is inspiring me to keep on keeping on.... I am sure she will post in a day or so if she hasn't already. Her screen name is knick1016

Yup. I'm stuck. Not the lap band "I need to toss my cookies" stuck. Weight stuck. I have reached a weight number that I cannot seem to bust through. If you look this phenonenom up in the FatAss World Dictionary, Volume 17, Second Edition, you will find that this is called a plateau. A plateau for the over active metabolism crowd, is a nice place. The top of a mountain perhaps. Where you can gaze at beautiful vistas and see for miles. A plateau for the overly girthed is quite another matter. It's a tortuous place that plays with your emotions. It's a place that reminds you that your journey ain't easy. In fact, it reminds you that the road in front of you is only going to get harder. Moving off this plateau is metabolism over mind. Sometimes it's just out of your control. It's part of the process. I don't plan on pitching my tent and staying on this plateau. I plan on moving on as fast as possible. So I'll soldier on. Head down, focused on the goal. Being stuck is about as frustrated as you can get in a weight loss campaign. Here you are doing everything right. Following the same plan that has worked for you for months with good results. Only to get kicked in the nuts with your daily or weekly scale visit. In my case, it's daily. I weigh my self every morning. For the last 10 days or so, my weight has fluctuated back and forth about a pound and a half either way. A couple days ago, I hit the low end and I thought "this is it. I'm gonna break this mark tomorrow." Only when tomorrow came, I bounced back up a pound. ARRGHHH! If my ultra high tech FitBit scale didn't cost so much, I would have flung it out the window. So I kicked it. (Note to self: Kicking your scale hurts and can only do bodily damage. Please refrain from hostile acts of aggression towards said device in the future. Resort to colorful language instead.) This is also doubly frustrating for me. Why? Because my low weight right now is 200.4 pounds. I have been waiting to get that 1 in front of my weight number. I'm as excited as a kid on Christmas eve to hit that mark. Come to think of it, I'm probably more excited. Hell, a kid only has to wait one year for Christmas. I haven't had a 1 in front of my weight since ... well, I know I still had a record player. I'll have to do some research on this. Suffice to say, it's been a LONG friggin time. So here I sit ... on the door step of a personal milestone. I can only hope that I will break through this barrier by next Monday. If you want to be there for the breaking news. Stand outside my bathroom window around 6:30 a.m. If you don't see a FitBit scale flying through the glass, you know I made it. If not, DUCK! I will report back from the other side of 2. Johnny

When I look at this picture, a song comes to mind. (I was almost at my largest, think i was 10-15 larger than this at one point). The song is called reflections Look at me You may think you see Who I really am But you'll never know me Every day It's as if I play a part Now I see If I wear a mask I can fool the world But I cannot fool my heart Who is that girl I see Staring straight back at me? When will my reflection show Who I am inside? This has always been one of my favorite songs..and I guess in so many ways it was MY song for so many years. When I was larger, I didn't feel like that was the true me. Everytime I looked in the mirror its as if the reflection was a stranger. Who is she? And what made it worse is I also hid the fact I gay. I didn't hide that too long, I did come out within a couple of years of realizing who I truly am. Maybe that's what started my journey to self discovery. Would I have had the surgery had I not come out? I spent so many years wondering who the hell I am (well was rather). The day I came out to myself was a wonderful moment. Admitting to myself WHO I AM. Coming out to my family was the second most wonderful moment. Dad took it ok. Mom went through a range of emotions. I wasn't looking for acceptance, however, the freedom of being who i am was beyond words. Now 10 years later, my life has been the best it's ever been. The only and final struggle was the girl in the mirror.. It's been 2 years since my 1st surgery...and I look in the mirror each morning, Smile wide..and giggle "There she is..." There's the person I was supposed to be all this time.. I am so grateful to God for giving me the strength to proceed with my life change. And to my family and friends for being 100% supportive (well minus 1 person, but it is what it is). Each and every day they keep me in check. At first I had issues with some of them sneaking a peek at what I was eating. now however, it's a welcome glance! My favorite person is my co-worker and wonderful friend Granny Cathy. She has been so supportive and such a wonderful friend. I was being bad a few weeks ago and grabbed a kit-kat (sorry those are and always will be my weakness). After I nibbled one piece of it, she looked over, saw it...and took it from me! I almost died laughing. i knew i shouldn't eat it. and she knew i would do it anyway. i love her for that. i know some individuals struggle with this surgery before, during and after...i can't express to them enough how wonderful this life change truly is. I wish I had done this in my 30's, but i'm a strong believer in everything happens for a reason. just thankful i did it when i did. no regrets....

I don't like exercise. I don't get that post workout rush so many people talk about. "Oh, I have so much energy after a workout." I call B.S. I think this is a buch of hype created by marketers, much like women who've had children encouraging other women to have kids by saying, "Oh, childbirth is painful, but it's the kind of pain you forget." Yeah, right! They just want you to suffer like they did. :-P So post-op, I had to figure out how to get in some exercise without thinking I was really exercising. Here are the ways I've been able to sneak in more exercise without really exercising: Parking far away from the entrance at the mall or superstores. If you've ever been to a mall or Super-Wal-Mart, you know what I'm talking about. Wearing a backpack to work. I started using an old backpack as my lunch box after my old lunch box became overflowing with vitamins, protein powders and shaker bottles. It was an old one I had bought a few years ago when I went to college. It still had the school supplies (pens, pencils, calculator, screwdrives, and floppy disks (yes! we still used 3.5" floppies in 2005!)) and one of my old school books. The book weighs about 5lbs and I just left everythinging in the bag. It probably weighs around 20lbs with all my junk in it. I park at the far end of my office parking lot and wear it into work. It's almost a thousand feet from my car to my office. Do that twice a day and I've gotten in almost an extra quarter mile of walking. That's a sneaky way of burning a few extra calories without really exercising. Now if only I could get Security to let me walk up the stairwell to my office. :-P Bathroom workouts - squats, wall push-ups. Another sneaky way to slip in a little extra exercise is to workout in the bathroom. Each bathroom break, I do 40 wall push-ups and 15 squats. It's easy if you have a handicap stall. The one in my office has handrails that are perfect for using my arms to help support my weight when I do toilet seat squats. They're really simple, I stand up and sit down on the toilet, trying to use my legs (and not my arms) as much as possible. The wall push-ups are really simple as well. I stand as far away from the wall as I can - and still be able to lean forward safely. I lean forward with my hands about shoulder width apart and rest my weight on my hands. Then do a push-up, 1 second down, 1 second to complete the up motion. I started out at 10 push-ups and now 2 months later I can easily do 40, 2 to 4 times a day. Stairwell workout. My office moved from a single story building to a multi-story office building in January. Now I have access to the stairwell on the 5th floor. I walk down to the 1st floor and time myself going back up to the 5th. A round trip takes approximately 5 minutes. Do that 2 or 3 times a day and you can build some endurance in the legs. Walking the long way around the building. My office is pretty big and is shaped like a baseball diamond, so no matter which direction I turn when I leave my office, I can make a loop around the building and get back where I started. So I always make a complete loop around my floor whenever I leave my office. Or if I have the time, I make a loop on the 5th floor, walk down to the 4th, make a loop there and walk back up to the 5th. Pretty sneaky, huh? So these are some ways I have been able to sneak in some extra exercise without it really feeling like I'm exercising. Hopefully, you will take some inspiration from my tricks to find your own ways of working just a little more exercise into your life. Keep Pimpin' that Sleeve!

Yesterday I was having issues with gas but today the gas has gotten better. Since the gas pains have gone I am starting to feel the discomfort of the incisions. I had to sleep sitting up last night because it was to much to lay flat. Bless my mom's heart she is taking great care of me. Overall the pain isn't bad. I have had ice on my stomach pretty much since I had surgery. My back is hurting today so I have been laying on a heating pad. I can't wait for the pain to go away so I can start moving some more. For now I am catching up on my reading. The attached picture is from yesterday.

So I found it amusing my blog yesterday was titled "Reflections". I walked out of my building to meet a coworker of mine outside. As I was walking back in the building, I looked up and saw my reflection in the glass doors.. I literally giggled out loud like a giddy school girl. The reflection was...amazing. I was just your normal, average woman walking towards the door. My legs looks so thin...My entire body looked so thin. I know i've lost 100 lbs. I know I'm a new person..but there are days when I just don't see it. I just see me. But yesterday, Oh lord! I SAW IT!! HOLY SKINNY MINNIES BATMAN!! THAT'S ME IN THAT REFLECTION!! not a friend, not some stranger, ME. I practically started skipping back to my desk. Oh what an amazing NSV moment. Just seeing ME. Who I was meant to be.. WHO I AM!!! Now if I could just find another job or at least get a damn call back from 1 of the ones i've applied for... grr...but that's ok. God is watching...God has a plan...

so i just got of the phone with a coworker meeting was for work but as all-things go quickly led to the more personal area.. how are.. your having your surgery tomorrow etc etc. then she shared with me some tips on being successful while on the liquid diet.. she recently had her jaw reconstructed and knows all about having to eat all your meals through a straw.. she was don't be afraid to experiment. the strangest things can taste wonderful in a blender but to always start with only a small portion that way you don't end up wasting food. But the thing she shared with me that i found to be the most interesting. she told me to ask the anesthesiologist to give you a subliminal message as they put you to sleep. She said that during her first surgery for her jaw 13 mts ago she asked that he tell her she doesn't need to smoke and that she will recover quickly well and with limited pain..Her recovery she said was fast and she has not smoked since that day 13 mts ago so tomorrow if i'm not too embarrassed or don't forget because i'm freaking out .... i'm going to mine to tell me i will recover well with limited pain and that i will enjoy my new healthier life style....

Today marks the end of Me as we currently know me.. Today i say good bye to the food dependent, emotional binge eating person i have become.. well in all honesty i said good bye to her about 2 weeks ago when i started the last leg of this journey and went on the Pre-Op diet. Tomorrow marks the start of the next stage of my life, to say i wasn't anxious, nervous... possibly a little freaked would be an understatement. The idea of surgery terrifies me... this isn't the first time I've had surgery but each time has been the same right up to the point where they put you to sleep the crazy thoughts will flash through my head of the what if's... I know i am in good hands.. I discussed this with the nurse at the surgery center.. I would take the word of a nurse over a surgeon ANY day. I know i will be fine I know i am strong enough to do this. I know I HAVE to do this This is for me. This is for the girl i used to be This is for the slightly older hopefully smarter woman i want to be. This is for my girls - i will be there to share all those mile stones in their life's they have not yet reached. This is for ME.... Can't wait for this Era to end and for the next one to begin.

Yesterday I had my two little appointments for the month. My nutritionist said I'm doing really well. I've lost 5lbs this month, with no exercise ( still on restriction from my PCP ). 5lbs!! That's nothing to most of the people around here, but to me it's a very good sign. For the last year I've been dieting and exercising and my body has been VERY resistant to let go of any weight. For some reason, this time, it's working. I was afraid my metabolism was so broken I'd be one of those people that basically doesn't lose at all. *whew* Back to my appointment: I showed her my MFP tracking, she was pleased to see my numbers, and that I'm being thorough. I'm just happy to have found a system that works for me. Last month's goal was to stay away from fried foods. She labeled me a 'success' after I told her that French fries no longer taste good, they're just grease sticks to me. This month's goal is to try and work on my sweets problem. I admit, I'm a sweets junkie. Growing up, we always had cake or cookies or bars of some kind in the house, plus sweet things like granola bars and chocolate sauce for ice cream. There is ALWAYS ice cream at their house. My dad used to have a bowl every night just before bed. We all would. Don't get me wrong here, I'm not blaming my parents for my weight problem. Yes, they've played a hand in it. When your 8 yr old says she's not comfortable in her body, please don't tell her "you're the only one who can change that". My parents are both obese. I have two sisters, one is severely obese, and the other one is a genetic mutant. That's the only explanation as to how she's 5'10'' tall and only weighs about 190. Don't misunderstand, she's the fattest thin person I know. She has very little muscle, no strength, and she sits down and eats a bag of potato chips and a container of ice cream for dinner. She just has that magical metabolism that keeps the weight off. Freak. So goodbye, sweets. You've done nothing for me until this point except medicate the ache in my chest that you're partially responsible for. If anyone has read this, and has battled a sweets problem, do you have any pointers on how to move past it? Tricks you used to help curb cravings? I'm practicing more mindful eating, so that should help some. I've also started to have hard candies instead of cookies/treats in the house. They last a while in my mouth, and leave me feeling like I've had something sweet. Two of them and I'm pretty satiated. Psych follow-up went very well. She said it looks like I'm in a really good place as far as my outlook and expectations for surgery. I'm hoping to lose more weight than the goal my team has given me, but I think that's okay. I'm hoping, but realistic about the statistics. Honestly? Even if I only lose to their goal, I will be VERY happy with myself and my surgery. I wouldn't be disappointed in the least! The biggest challenge I face right now is balancing school, doctor's appointments, work, and diet prep/surgery-related stuff. In the last two weeks I've had 9 doctor's appointments. Not all of them are surgery related, but let's just say my life is a little hectic right now. I feel really good about how the appointments went. We scheduled my next nut appointment, and then the final one (which has to be with a nurse practitioner). Things should be all wrapped up and ready for 'team review' by November 5th. The dietician seemed hopeful that they'd be able to get me in before the end of the year. 2014, I'm going to make you my b***h.