Leaderboard

I am sure that the subject of this blog sounds funny. Yes, I have made the decision to get banded. I have been in the program for about 4 months now. I have my surgery date but even now, as I type this, I am still having a hard time accepting my decision. Let me explain. I grew up fat. I was a fat kid, I was a fat teenager and I am now a fat adult. If you had talked to me about the word fat maybe 15-20 years ago, I would have been super offended. Now, it’s just a word. Yes, I am fat. In my childhood and teenage years, I was your “typical” fat kid. I was offended by the word fat that I was constantly called. I was always self-conscious and picked on for my weight. I was ashamed. I can recall a time in 7th grade when a class mate complimented me on my jeans. I was questioning why she was even talking to me since she and I were in completely different cliques – she was one of the “cool kids” while I was the new girl – or better yet, the fat new girl – at the school. Alas, when she asked me where I got my “so cute” jeans (and they were) I replied, “Sixteen Plus”. The next thing I heard were snickers and laughs because I was clearly shopping in a store for “plus sized” people. From that moment on, I vowed NEVER to mention store names again. I would shop at stores that had both junior and plus sizes so I never had to bear that “shame” again. This is how much of my adolescence and teenaged years were. Never had a boyfriend – sure, I had plenty boy friends but never a “boyfriend”. I had one such friend who, when we were alone, would confide in me and once even told me he loved me (oh, middle school love…LOL) but would not be seen talking to me in school. High school and college were filled with more of the same. Boy friends – some of whom I liked more than a friend but I would NEVER tell them because they would NEVER “like” the chubby chick as more than just a friend. Enter my early 20’s: I’m not sure when the realization came but I found myself developing a confidence that I had never had before. I had never considered myself ugly, after all I’ve been told “You have such a pretty face” for so long that I knew that if I weren’t fat, I’d be “so pretty”. (That is another blog post in itself.) However, I was dressing better. I was putting more effort in to my appearance. I was deciding that I was worth something. I was approached by a male colleague (whom had no romantic interest) who handed me a newspaper article on plus sized modeling. He suggested it was something I look into. He told me that I was a beautiful girl and should really give it some thought. I was BESIDE myself. A compliment without the caveat that all I had going for me was my “pretty face”. As the time went on, my confidence improved. I began to get attention from the opposite sex. I was complimented and asked on dates, left and right – granted some of these dudes were on the sketchy side – but when a random stranger tells you that you are the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen in his life, it’s always nice no matter what. My dating life ramped up and I found myself eventually in relationships with people who were attracted to me – fat and all. It was then, that I decided to take back the word fat in my life. I was no longer going to look at it as a bad word. Yes, I was fat. So, what?!? I was otherwise healthy and happy. Things were going in the right direction for my life. I accepted myself. I would proudly admit that I bought my “so cute” shirt or pants at Lane Bryant or Fashion Bug Plus! Yep, that’s where I shop and I love my clothes. Yes, I am fat but that’s OK with me. Here I am, a confident fat woman. Take that, society!!! Over the years, I have maintained that attitude. Of course, I have areas of my body that I hate – boobs are for the chest, not the back! LOL But, I always looked at it as I have the ability to change the things about my body that I hate, if I put my mind to it. Enter the current time. I am still that confident woman who accepts the word fat. However, about 3 years ago, I was officially diagnosed with diabetes. Unfortunately, I am all too familiar with this wretched disease as my family is laden with it. I have watched it reach havoc on my Mom as she has had many years where she did not properly take care of herself and this disease. I have done well over the years keeping my diabetes at bay. My A1C is almost always good. Unfortunately, this success comes with medications that I hate and the knowledge that it is only a matter of time before this disease will reap havoc on me, if I do not get rid of it once and for all. The only sure-fire way for me to do that is to get myself to a healthy weight. My husband and I have been married for 5 years this October. It was when he underwent his lap band surgery last year that I began thinking about having the surgery myself. He’s had amazing success that he has worked very hard for. I feel that with him at my side, I can have a similar success. However, I can’t get past the feeling that I am going against “my morals” with this surgery. I feel like I’m taking all that confidence that I worked very hard at and saying “society wins”. It’s silly, I know, because I know I’m not doing this to be skinny – I’m doing this to be healthy. I just still feel like I’m doing something wrong. I have been SUPER hesitant to tell anyone about this choice. Any one I have told has been supportive but I am still uneasy. I don’t know why….. If you have managed to stay with me and read all this, thank you. I know this is super long – especially for my first blog post to the site.

What's new you ask? Quick answer.... underwear! Yup. I had to replenish my entire supply of unmentionables, even the new ones I got last Christmas. They just weren't doing the job anymore. The always dependable waist bands were stretched beyond repair and my incredible shrinking ass left the backsides saggy and mis-shaped. Not to mention, all security for the family jewels had completely evaporated. I was dealing with an uncomfortable jail break every hour or so. This caused more than a few strange stares from others during what I thought was a private adjusting period. Good thing I wasn't near a Kinder Kare. That would have been hard to explain. So I solved the crisis. I went out and bought some new skivvies. While this may not seem like a big deal to most of you. It was to me. Reason... I don't think I have bought my own underwear for twenty or so years. Why? Because every year when I am asked what I want for Christmas, I give the standard man-swer. "Underwear". So I get underwear. Every Christmas morning, I march up to my dresser with my new present stack and clean out last years Jockeys for this years models. I guess models is an overstatement. Other than a few new colors, the basic design hasn't changed since I was a kid. I mean, really. What can you do to improve underwear? And why do you need to? Well imagine my amazement when I came upon the shorts section of my local department store. I was flabbergasted to see rows and rows and racks and racks of man-derwear! So many brands! So many styles! So little time. And the advertisements, oh my! Here I am, fresh off an embarrassing, not so private reorganizing incident, staring at a life size cut-out of a buffed teen lad with come hither eyes hiding nothing but his schvaanzen behind a scanty pair of man-ties. Honestly, I had to look around and make sure some cop wasn't following me. Or some hidden camera from one of those second rate TV shows. As overwhelmed as I was, I was on a mission! I had to replenish my underwear supply. Two racks over, I spied the familiar Jockey logo. Thank God. I sauntered over thinking I'd pick up my shorts and be on my way. Wrong again. I guess Jockey, in an effort to keep up with times, has totally expanded their product line. Boxer briefs, sports shorts, low rise, high rise, full coverage or tiny pecker pouches. Ugh. After walking around three racks, I finally found the Classic style. Whew. My new size offers me a plethora of color choices. Sure beats the color selection at the old fat man's shop. There used to be three sizes ... FAT, REAL FAT and YOU GOTTA BE KIDDING. And there was only two color choices ... Santa Red and Your Wives's Gonna Kill You White. I always wondered why they would want to see a fat man in red briefs. Without further adieu, I chose the multi colored 6 pack. Six pairs for the price of three, awesome. I took them to the checkout counter and pulled out a ten spot and expected some change. Wrong again. This paltry pack of panties was over $30! I had to double check the pack and see if there was some kind of vibrating device included. Nope. I pulled out a couple double sawbucks and through those down with the ten spot. I got my poor excuse of change and headed out the door. I sure have been out of the man shopping game for a long time. And I am about to get a real education about shopping in the new millennium. My current wardrobe is completely nonfunctional. I had hoped to get through to next spring with some heavy alterations and cheap pants. But that ain't gonna happen. It's gonna cost me. I need to buy a functioning intermediate wardrobe. You know it would be nice if the current men's fashion were of the Fred Flintstone variety. Then I would only need one all purpose tunic. That's all for now. Johnny P.S. I see Dr. X today for a weigh in and another fill. Let's hope I get a GOLD STAR again. P.S.S. isit my blog: TheDeconstructionOfJohnny.blogspot.com

Today my life changed, at 09:02 mst my insurance approved my surgery!!! I thought this day would never come, and now that it is here I am even more anxious to keep going. To all of you that are waiting on insurance approval, who think that everyone is out to get you, who think that the requirements that insurance give you are crazy......I was there and still can't have the clock move fast enough. Well I have my approval and I want my surgery date NOW....but of course my surgeon's office moves at a snails pace compared to how I think they should move. My advice to you, don't give up, do what the insurance says, be your own advocate, talk to your insurance company (the utilization review nurse) and find out what is going on if your feel like your surgeon's office is not telling you everything. Ultimately it is the insurance that decides not the surgeon's office. Ok I am so looking forward to my future for the first time in a long long time.

OK, here is a bit of a rant. Lately, it seems that everyone has the opinion that I have lost too much weight and need to stop. I currently weigh 186 lbs, just at the top of the 'normal' range for my height. I don't want to look sickly, and don't think that I do, but my image of myself is distorted, and I know that. My mind hasn't caught up with the rapid weight loss yet. It is starting to piss me off how everyone is insisting that I need to stop losing weight. I know that, and plan to, but don't even know how to at this point. I can't eat more than I do now. Yesterday, my family and I went to a 50th anniversary party. We saw my stepmother, who I haven't seen in about a month or so. She kept telling me I was done and needed to stop. I kind of snapped back at her, which is out of character for me, and I'm sure threw her off guard. I said that I wished people were this concerned for me when I weighed 274 (and growing) and had ACTUAL health issues because of it. Her reply was that I was more open to talking about it now, since I was so open to talking about the surgery. I guess that's a fair point, but still annoys me. When we got home, my wife told me that my stepmother told her that I looked like a little old man, and that the surgery made me look 15 years older. This REALLY hurt and upset me. I told my wife that I wished she hadn't told me that. She couldn't understand why it upset me. She said that my stepmom was just stating her opinion, and that she was concerned about me. I said that I was upset because I didn't go through all of this to look like a little old man. While I had the surgery for health reasons and not vanity reasons, I still wouldn't like to look older. I'm 42, and don't want to look like a little old man. My wife also said that it could have been what I was wearing. I had on a polo shirt that was kind of long and made me look taller and thinner than I really am. My wife agrees that I'm getting too thin, but doesn't agree with the little old man comment. My wife also had the surgery, and looks amazing. She is 40, and could pass for 25 now. She is not yet to goal, so who knows how she'll look if she also gets 'too skinny'. I told my wife I don't want to look like the old man dating the model. I'm not even rich! LOL I was really depressed by the whole thing last night. I'm a little better about it today. The whole process has been an emotional roller coaster. I really think they need to strengthen the psychological requirements for weight loss surgery, and have mandatory psych follow-ups AFTER surgery. This site is what has kept me sane, just knowing there are other people who have had similar thoughts/experiences as me. I've attached a before and after photo of myself to this blog post. I'd love opinions about whether I look 'too skinny' or 15 years older. Thanks.

Recipe adapted from my favorite Indian cookbook, Raghavan Iyer's 660 Curries. If you love to cook and are willing to spend a little extra time to make sure everything is made fresh and authentically, this is the one to choose. Best places to get all the spices are either whole foods, central market, or other stores that have spice bins, or an indian grocery store. Ingredientss 2 tbsp Coriander seeds 1 tsp cumin seeds 1/2 tsp whole black cloves 1/2 tsp cardomom seeds from green/white pods 2 dried bay leaves 3 dried red chiles or 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper or red chile flakes (the kind you put on pizza) 1 2-3 inch piece cinnamon Method 1.Put all ingredients into a clean coffee grinder and grind until it's a coarse-fine powder. I use a this type of coffee grinder. Shake it about as it's being ground so all the seeds and bits get under the blades. 2. When you're finished, unplug the grinder, and turn it upside down. You want all the spice to collect into the lid so you can easily scoop it out without cutting yourself playing about around the blades. 3. Finished! Use in the palak paneer recipe I have posted as well as the chicken curry recipe.

Well, here i sit in what was to be my day of Lap Band surgery. But due to an insurance "mix-up" needing another test, I am back to pre-launch. I wonder if this is the way astronauts feel before a mission? Nervous, excited, aprehensive, and this feeling that somehow life would never be the same again for them. Miss their families, friends, pets. I wonder if they sit there and say ..."Boy, I am SURE going to miss eating regular food." Of COURSE not, I can guaranteee this. Anybody who can endure the battery of performance and fitness testing that THEY do cannot possibly be worried about FOOD. But I am,...kinda...no, definitely. Definitely worried. Definitely. Rainman worried. definitely. Food and I go back a long long way. It is my best friend and my worst enemy. It has been there with me thru lonely teenage nights when I was one of the "undesirables" who sat home on weekends with no date, but a can of Ravioli and a Heath bar filled the hole a little and numbed the pain. Temporarily. Until later that night when I lay in my bed and looked out the window into the dark sky thinking how many calories I could put on in just one sitting. And that God saw the WHOLE thing. And He was just as disgusted with me as I was with myself. So I laid there in the dark, crying, and listening to all the heart-break songs that Delilah had to offer. "I'm Not In Love" comes to mind most often, because it was then and there that I figured that I would NEVER be in love or be worth loving. At 12:30 I hunted for the Pringles can I had hidden under the bed. But i did fall in love, several times. It never stuck. And the young obese teen turned into the young obese woman who was still searching for love AND a teaching position right out of college. No jobs in my field, so my best friend and I decided we could search out of town. BIG MISTAKE. BIG. I found a job alright, 2 hours away from home in a little river town that rolled their sidewalks up at 5PM every night. And for a 21 year old single teacher (the only one in town it seems) life was pretty miserable. LONELY. Which made that hole in the center of my body grow bigger than a FLorida sinkhole. And GUESS what I decided to do? I took up Culinary Cooking. Julia Child, Justin Wilson,Paul Purdomme. I began collecting cookbooks and recipes. And cooking. ANd eating. Me and my little Huggy Bear, the happiest little chub of a cockapoo you ever saw. My friends were happy (wait, make that friend- jenny, who was painfully thin and resembled her pet parakeet that she brought everywhere with her. Including my dinners). I had plenty of left-overs, but not for long. ANd the sweet country cooks in the kitchen at the school just LOVED me because i was the only one who bragged and bragged on their cooking. Daily. ANd it was soooo good. Not the stuff kids get slung on their plates usually. But homemade chicken pot pie, brocolli casserole, real sweet potatoes with some delctable nutty crunch topping, and PIE. YES!! seriously, they made pies and cakes for the kids and the teachers every day. Used real butter too. LOADS of it. I think one day I saw the dairy truck back up with a "BEEP BEEP BEEP" and a ramp slid out with crate after crate of one pound blocks of butter by the dozens. And to complete the picture for you, at th end of my work day, I could always count on Mawmaw Jane to be waiting with a sack of "just a little something to keep you from having to cook for just one, honey." Leftovers of the day. but 2 servings of pie. That woman is still in my will I think. Better check. I carried extra weight until some neighbor had mercy on me and told me about a diet she had been on and she looked wonderful. She was eating and still losing. And even though she had 4 kids and was married, she befriended me and made me her project. And got me SO involved in projects around town, one of which I loved and still do to this day. Acting in community theeater and singing. Yes, under this fat is the soul of Patsy Cline. I dont know how she managed it, but maybe on one of those lonely night I spent crying myself to sleep, she crawled right into my soul and vocal chords and when I sang it sounded so much like her that i soon became a hit in this one-horse, no stoplight little town. AND then the neighboring towns, and then a big town heard about the "fat girl with the pretty face that can sing her behind off" and I wasnt lonely at night anymore. And I felt loved and needed, and I began to LOSE WEIGHT!! that lasted from 1982, married my blind date in '85, and continued to be active and still cook and sing and act. BUt then.... Then one morning I couldnt get out of bed. The pain that seized my back was so intense it took my breath away. I yelled for my husband who was getting ready to leave for work and he carried me to the car and put me in and i bellowed and cried in pain all the way. Tests and xrays later revealed I had two deteriorated discs in my lower spine and something called Spondylolythesis. I began epidurals for pain, but surgery was out of the question. I just needed to exercise and protect my back. Guess which one I decided to do and forget the other. Yep, the old Yaya reared her ugly fat head and soon i was "protecting my back" by being inactive and eating as much as I had before, for "comfort". And soon I had gained back over half of the 133 pounds I had lost before. Now add another 20 since my mom died 2 years ago. The hole was back with a vengence. I was desperate to find something to help me control this ravenous "hunger" (appetite)and it seemed NOTHING could fill this hole. Which grew with several miscarriages, 2 botched adoptions, and my dear husband who closed the door to any more heartbreak where kids were concerned. Not even foreign adoption. Bigger hole, more weight. I was, and am still as I write this, miserably sad with my life and situation. But blissfully hopefully for tomorrow, when I heard about Lap Banding. I think lifes going to change for Yaya.

I woke up this morning with a positive out look. I did great until I again was in tears from the barfy feeling that would not go away. It was at the point where just opening my eyes made me heave. I called and I was told this is classified as an emergency an to come in now. I explained to the doctor when I arrived that I am a very violent vomitter and I know that causes serious problems so I have been fighting it for 4 days now and just can not take it any longer. Well I survived my first adjustment. I had to have fluid removed. OMG the relief I felt it was pretty much instant the pukey feeling gone! Apparently my band became to full. I am still very puzzled how this could happen. I felt fine up till 4 days ago and then all of a sudden whamo. He told me to tolerate the protein drinks. He also believed that now they would be easier to drink now that the nausea was gone. Well that is a no go. For what ever reason I still can't stomach them. He also adjusted my diet and told me all liquids again. After reviewing the paperwork he gave me again. I was on the right diet. I dunno. Here I go again. I just hope this hungry thing goes away as it makes me weak and supper tired. Also I was worried about the adjustment because I read up on how it's done. People say that it is pretty painful. Piece of cake, the only thing I felt was the numbing shot (2). Mmmm c..a..k..e. Sorry all, I mentioned cake.

My dad arrives from India today so I have to make something his 90-year body (and teeth) can enjoy, AND tomorrow is soft foods day for us! yay! We were told to eat meats that were out of a crockpot or pressure cooker so they were soft. So here goes. This is massively modified from Anupy Singla's Indian Crockpot book to a) not make enough to feed the entire state of Texas and not to blow the roof off your head with her version of spice. I'm Indian. Believe me when I tell you, this is the BEST chicken curry I have ever had and the EASIEST. Ingredients 1 onion peeled & quartered 5 garlic cloves peeled 2 inches ginger root sliced roughly 2 tomatoes, quartered I tsp salt 1/2 tsp cayenne pepper 2 tsp turmeric 1 tsp garam masala, can buy ready mixed or use this recipe 1/2 cup greek yogurt 1.5 lbs of chicken, skinned 1 bag of baby spinach 1 2 inch piece cinnamon 4 green cardamom 2 whole cloves Method 1. In a food processor, grind together everything except the chicken and the spinach and whole spices. Make a nice, smooth paste. This may take a few minutes, be patient. 2. Put the chicken pieces in a crockpot, and pour over the yummy-smelling sauce you just made. Put in whole spices 3. Chop up the spinach and add during the last hour of cooking. 4. Cook on low for 8 hours or high for 4 until chicken is tender. Us Sleevers may have to eat the chicken without the sauce and eat the sauce separately. Makes 6 servings of chicken (3 oz each, 21 gms of protein each.

I will upload a photo of myself pre-vsg surgery to my profile. :embaressed_smile: I am so looking forward to posting photos along the way of my shrinking self. :smile1: Each day seems to get a bit better than the last, now on my 3rd day home after vsg surgery. My belly is still very sore. Thank goodness for the pain killer (roxicodone! - discovered I'm allergic to hydrocodone, i.e., vicodin, in the hospital, nausea, hallucinations and an itchy mouth is not my cup of tea) or I wouldn't be getting sound sleep. I am not one to take meds, especially a narcotic, but it truly is necessary in this case to keep from getting too exhausted fighting agains the pain. I have a strong pain threshold, but this is some serious surgery and it is required. I plan to discontinue the roxicodone by tomorrow and change to children's liquid Tylenol, if needed. I'm also meditating and doing some conscious deep breathing exercises for relaxation. My first blog entry was super long and wordy, but wanted to admit to some things and put it in writing. Today a trip to Costco is in the plans to buy some protein drinks and a scale with my honey. I'm so looking forward to weighing myself today. (This is a statement I would have never made before.) So far on this 4 weeks liquid diet phase I've had Chiobani Greek yogurts (honey and vanilla) with Beneprotein added and a couple of the sample protein mixes I received from the nutritionist. I've tried the Bariatric Advantage Chocolate and the Unjury Chocolate. The fav out of these is the Unjury Chocolate protein mix shaken up with Plain Soy Milk - just like a chocolate shake, rather tasty. After reading other posts, it seems like the follow-up diet is different in other locations. I'm surprised when I hear people are eating more of a pureed diet 2-3 weeks out from surgery. The instructions from Stanford are a 4 week liquid diet phase, six protein meals a day, post surgery, followed by 2 weeks of a pureed phase diet. The liquid phase includes yogurt, cream of rice/wheat and protein drinks. I've never been a fan at all of artificial sweeteners nor drinking sweet things on the regular. I tried the Gatorade with protein and Crystal Light, but the artificial taste is rather revolting to me. Additionally, I don't think it wise to fuel your body with artificial chemical anything. So, I'm going to stay as natural and organic as possible, well, except for the prepackaged protein drinks and mixes - simply for convenience. I've been getting in the required daily protein amount, thanks to adding beneprotein to most everything. I've really only been drinking water and herbal tea in between and find it much more satisfying than anything with artificial sweetener. I'm also making sure I get all the required protein in 'cause I really don't want hair loss! I'm just not quite ready to lose the dreadlocks yet or have them thin out too much. The healing continues.....