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Our stories are very similar! Like you, I have been "the fat girl" my entire life. I can remember being as young as 5th grade and obsessed with how huge my thighs were. I remember being teased for being big all through junior high. I remember going shopping with my girlfriends in high school and being so ashamed because I couldn't wear anything at the "normal sized" shops they went to. I did date as a teen but my self esteem was always awful. When I hit college, like you I decided to own being a fat girl. I had more self confidence and I decided I didn't give a rip if someone did like me for me- fat and all. ...but then I had my first child at 21 years old...and got bigger and bigger. Over the years I ballooned up to over 400 pounds. Any self esteem I ever had was long gone and my health was seriously tanking fast. My best advice is to let go of that "fat girl" mentality. Too often we wear it like a suit of armor not a badge of courage. We're teased and tormented so severely we try to muster up all this false bravado to shield ourselves from being hurt yet again. It is simply wonderful you're doing this for your health- but you have to be ok with the fact there's nothing wrong with doing this to look good, too. You're not letting society or anyone else "win" by getting the Lap Band and losing weight. YOU are winning for taking control of your health so you can live a long, happy, healthy life with your husband. Best wishes to you

Spent the day with a friend & her extended family.....people I have seen off and on over the last 30+ years....they are all slim, but they have huge appetites.....I swear I was born into the wrong family, because even when I was a size 6, I couldn't eat the way they do.....but they do, and after all these years, they are still slim. I'm on pureed foods, so I packed a shake, just in case there wasn't anything appropriate.....they do not know about my surgery...I'm one of "those" who has kept it rather private, but my friend is used to seeing drink the RTD shakes. They had the usual trays of ziti, eggplant, and my fave chicken francaise.......plus all the mayo loaded salads, rolls, and don't even get me started on the desserts. I ended up having a slice of deli turkey, a very slim slice of hard boiled egg, and a bite of chicken.....literally a very small bite.....and slowly chewed my food until it was the pureed consistency.......a little scary that it all went down so easily. They gave me a hard time about using a small plate.....but I told them if I didn't, I'd overeat.......they didn't mention it again, and no one noticed what I did or did not eat...... I was afraid this was going to be very hard, but it was quite doable.....just wish I could have measured/weighed what I ate LOL It was so nice not to want to sample every food that was set out...what a wonderful change.

Today has been pretty uneventful. I slept all day. Literally. I got up every 4 hours to walk a little and drink a little and do some deep breathing. Then...back to bed. I got in 32oz of fluids (and I'm sure I can get in another 10 or 15 oz). As far as I'm concerned, this is pretty amazing. I thought very seriously about going to my kids' soccer games this morning -- that's how ok I feel. I ended up staying home just because it is Africa hot here and I knew I could sleep. My tummy is still swollen - I look fatter than I was when I went in for surgery. That said, some of the fluid has started to drain off. I was 230 on DOS. I came home at 237. Today, I'm back to 230. So that is very encouraging. (I'm not concerned about the weight loss right now - but it is nice to have the swelling go down). I took a shower today - I highly recommend it. It made me feel more human. After the shower, I changed my dressings. I wasn't prepared for these big honkin' staples. They are sore and itchy. Burping remains an issue. But it is way easier to drink today as compared with yesterday. Tomorrow is my 8 yr old son's birthday. My BFF is hosting a party for him so all I have to do is show up with the little birthday boy. I'm confident I can do it. While napping today, I had a dream that I freaked out and went inside and ate all the icing off the red velvet cake. Total reminder of my "old" self. Eating in secrecy, feeling guilty, etc. Soooooo glad I don't have to do that anymore. Finally, I know it is too early to say, but I can't imagine that I won't be ready to go back to work at the end of week 1. If I absolutely had to, I think I could go back Monday (I have a desk job). Don't get me wrong....it wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. I say that just because I know there are lots of people out there wondering about work. My advice: take off as much time as you can but don't let a lack of time off prevent you from having this surgery. Okay...I'm about ready for bed again...hahaha! Tomorrow - FULL LIQUIDS HERE I COME!!! (Not a moment too soon!) Love to all, Angela

Lately, I’ve been thinking about judgments & why people feel compelled to judge others. People post a lot here about feeling judged by friends and family members for deciding to have surgery, or feeling judged by skinny people for being fat in the first place. Personally, I have been fortunate that not one single negative word has been said to me with regards to having surgery. My family and friends have all been very supportive. Intellectually, I know I am (or have been) judged negatively by other people for my weight, but I honestly don’t usually notice those judgments. If I do happen to notice or feel judged by somebody, I don’t generally internalize the judgment and allow it to continue to affect me. But it seems to me that there is also a fair amount of judgment happening among members of the WLS community. Sometimes it’s subtle and sometimes it quite overt, but it’s all judgmental bulls**t that says more about the person making the judgment than it does about the person being judged. Here are just a few judgments I have observed being made here and elsewhere among members of the WLS community. Some of these judgments have been directed at me, some I’ve observed in others, and one or two I am guilty of making. Everyone who needs/wants WLS has a food addiction or depression or very low self-esteem. If you say you don’t, then you are either lying or in denial. People who go to Mexico for surgery are less prepared mentally and emotionally than those who have surgery in the US. My surgeon does things the “right” way. If your surgeon tells you something different, he/she is wrong and I am justified in telling you to ignore your surgeon’s instructions. People who slip up on the preop diet are not ready for surgery and will likely fail. People who do not follow instructions to the letter in the first couple of months post-op are not committed to the process and will likely fail. People who do not commit wholeheartedly to an exercise plan postop are not committed to the process and will likely fail. People who drink alcohol, smoke cigarettes, or smoke weed postop are not committed to the process and will likely fail. People who come here posting questions without first searching for the answer are dumb or lazy. People who credit their faith with helping them get through this process are annoying and should not talk about their faith in relation to WLS. People who are atheist or agnostic are missing the most important part of life and should be pitied. People who have plastics after WLS are vain. People who struggle to put their own needs ahead of others aren't trying hard enough or valuing themselves enough. I’m sure other folks can think of more, and there is also a whole raft of judgments that we frequently make against ourselves. The point is that none of these judgments are true and none of these judgments are supportive or helpful in any way. We all have our own path to travel, and I believe we each generally do the best we can at any given time. At various times, my “best” will be better than some and not nearly as good as others, and that’s true for everybody. I don’t know if judging others is a way to feel better about ourselves, or just a bad habit we fall into, but it certainly does seem to come naturally to us. In my opinion, reaching out for support is a healthy, intelligent, and wise thing to do. Let’s try to respect the courage it takes to be here, and check our judgments at the door.

I'm so glad I found this group. I'm excited and scared as hell about my upcoming surgery date (11SEP13). I've found comfort here...as well as uncomfortable truths. I am not very open with the people that know me. I have issues...I have a counselor who is helping me with those issues. Progress is being made So, you all have been my peeps...I've come to you (whether you know it or not) for answers, encouragement, and truth. I've posted a few times. I've shared some of my story. I want to share more. And I want you to respond...with truth, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. So, here is my promise. I promise not to be offended when you tell me the uncomfortable truth about my ramblings. I won't get all moody and start calling names. I will value your opinions and your experiences. I may pout in front of my computer screen...but not on here where you can see it. I also promise to share...the comfy and the uncomfy parts. I know it's not going to be a bed of roses, or an instant fix. It's going to be hard work and require a full committment on my part. There is no miracle weight loss. I know people have complications. I want to learn from them. I promise to take responsibility for my actions on here. If I screw up...I'm going to own it. And I ask you to remind me of that I know there are consequences for when I make mistakes. And I accept that you are going to let me know about them! I write this because I've seen a few posts lately where the initial poster gets offended when the comments aren't all "warm and fuzzy." Well...as some of you have pointed out...truth isn't always warm and fuzzy. So, thank you for letting me learn from you. Thank you for being that shoulder I may need to lean on. And thank you for keeping me in check.

The end of July I decided to call the center just to see if my insurance would pay for any of the procedures. I had heard through the grapevine that my provider did but I just wasn't ready to take that leap yet. I work nights so before heading to bed I called and gave the info to the lady and went to sleep. A couple of days lady I got an email stating I had been approved and needed to call for an appointment. Now what? Did I really want to do this? This would mean a lot of changes. So I made the appointment for one morning that week after work. I still hadn't told anyone. I didn;t want anyone to know so there would be no pressure whatever I decided. I've been overweight my whole life and most of my family has too. I have had several family members have WLS and all of them have gained their weight back. Everyone I know that has WLS has gained their weight back. And I'm still considering this? I was very discouraged at my appointment when they told me I would have to wait four months for surgery! I would have to have two dietitian appointment and a psych eval. ( that might disqualify me right there!). But after doing some research I know why and I guess that's better than six months or a year. I brought home my information and started doing my research. I found LapBandTalk.com. I found The Big Book (I'm almost finished with it) and I feel very confident I can do this. I've been able to determine exactly why all my family members have gained their weight back and even a few of my friends. I know it will be hard, one of the hardest things I've ever done. But I don't just want it, I need it. I need it for my life, my kids and my husband. I need it to be able to continue the job I love.

The night before surgery....I kept myself busy and finally at 11 dropped from exhaustion.....and slept like a baby until the alarm went off at 4 a.m. I was in the OR, getting prepped for surgery, asked for something for nausea in my IV, we had a few laughs, and the next thing I know, I'm happily waking up in recovery... My eye sight was blurry for hours after the surgery....and as soon as they let me, I walked...blurry eye sight or not.....the fear of gas pain was my motivator, I walked as often and as far as they'd let me....and continued walking every hour starting the 1st day after surgery. When I was finally in a room (long delay), I felt utterly helpless and useless....like a beetle on its back. I'm not a fan of pain killers......don't experience pain like most people....I only took something late at night (not sure I needed it, but thought it couldn't hurt and sleep was important.) Morning came early, and the first thing I did was pee and walk...I don't think people knew what to make of me walking at 5:30 in the morning, so I just smiled and said good morning.....had the dreaded leak test this morning (wasn't so bad)....found it.hard to sip my liquids today, but wasn't too worried because I'm hooked to an IV......they are giving me prilosec in my IV, and I've never had nausea. I am sore, but not in any real pain. The only pain is when I breath in deep. The biggest problem I'm facing is high blood pressure.....it's all over the map.....so they are giving me something for that.....6 hours later we finally see a break. Day 2.....time to go home! Yeeha! so sick of being hooked up to an IV and having my pee measured and BP taken LOL The first thing I do is get up for my early morning walk.........and surprised how much easier it is to get up and out of that bed....wow! They give me another dose for my blood pressure.....will have my blood pressure checked on Monday with my PCP...may have to go on blood pressure medicine until some of this weight is gone (I've never been on BP meds before) I was dreading the self injections.....did that this morning, and it wasn't so bad. UPDATE: I did have a drain, and that for a brief second or two hat was some intense pain when it was take out---but again, very brief. I haven't experienced the gas pains yet....hoping all that walking worked it out....but I'm still walking..... I've experienced my restriction...took one little sip too many and felt it.....luckily it was a tiny sip and went away quickly. UPDATED: this pain I'm experiencing is a spasm, not a restriction....will try warm liquids and see how it goes. Now that I'm home, my arms are killing me.....I figure one is from the IV....no idea about the other....my IV was in my hand, and my hand is a little swollen and sore. I was told the priority and goal in the next few days is to get down the isopure (1/2 bottle mixed with water).....finding it difficult, but I sip as much as I can (I found in the hospital juice and broth went down much easier LOL) I haven't gained weight from the hospital (yet anyway) but I am swollen around the mid section. Right now I'm feeling rather fortunate....have not had a WTH did I do moment. I'm so thankful to have a wonderful man by my side for support. The things I packed that I used....a pillow (only for the ride home)....a maxidress w/o anything at the waist was great for going home with a cami underneath...a note pad/pen for notes/questions for when the doctor came in...my own tooth brush/paste, hiar brush, eye glass case, and my cell phone to check in with VST and for my email. I know this is just the first step in a life long journey, but rather than anxious as I have been, I'm looking forward to the ride.....