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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wKyXA_nMVQ This video explain what been going on with me in the past 2 weeks. I am such a young old head! I am going to warn you guys I am going to be venting! So why I do I hate fake people because they are stabbers and lairs. I know most of my flaws but I will say this I am not fake! The only thing that is fake about me is the hair weave that is in my hair! So what happened? One on my good friend (coworker) had a house fire 2 weekends ago and lost everything. Last Monday I came into work and my fellow coworkers ask did I hear what happened to my friend? I thought he died or something but my coworkers filled me in on what happened. So I started calling our friends outside of work to see if he was okay. Then I called my boss to let him know what happened. Finally my partner in crime (my friend) called me. I was so happy to hear from him! To give you a little background He supported me during my decision process of getting the lap band. He called me every day when I was out for my surgery to check on me. So I took this one to heart. Later on that day I went up stair to talk to someone who I thought who was my friend. She asked me did I hear what happened to my friend. I close her office door and told her I was so upset that I had to take a Xanax and that he was okay. The only reason I closed her door was because I didn’t want her neighbors to know that I am on Xanax When I got back to my office I received a phone call from one of her wannabe bosses. This girl went a told her wannabe boss that I told her what happen to my friend. So basically he didn’t know about it and I was accused telling a couple of people what happened to my friend. Well that is half true I only told people who I thought who heard from him or knew how to get ahold of them and the rest was all hearsay. Anyway as soon as I got off the phone I started to cry I was so upset that I didn’t eat lunch. My mentor ended up calming me down and I proceeded on with my day. I am hurt because I thought those two people were team players but they are not. I have done nothing to them to get this type of treatment from them. So I prayed on this and forgave them but I will forgive them because this will take some time. Moving forward…. Even though they upset me I didn’t go back to my old habit Instead of 2 big girl bottles of wine I only had two glasses. I ended up seeing my friend last Friday I brought him some comfort food and gave him a cooler full of his favorite beers. Also we raised $1415 in cash and over $280 worth gifts cards for him. That came from our group of friends. We all started crying when we finish counting the money. It was very emotional for us. All about me… I am slowly breaking out from my shell about me and buying new clothes. Since my last entry I was a size 16 but mentally I am still my old size 20. It took me a week to final wear the clothes I brought 2 weeks ago! Yesterday I decided to wear one of my outfits and I was getting so much attention… and it felt good! I also started running (jogging) and I am averaging 3 miles in 30 mins. Starting next month I want to start working on my arms. My goal is to have arms like Michelle Obama! I am 59 pounds lighter and life is good! Thanks for reading.

When I got married in May, 2009 I had to be at about my highest weight. I had stopped checking my weight long before so I imagine I was somewhere around 400 pounds. Hubby and I got married at Disney and were having our photos done in one of the hotel lobbies. A woman came up to us and apologized for the interuption but said she had to tell me something. She said her small daughter had asked her if they would get to see any Disney princesses and she told her that they wouldn't until they got to the parks. Her daughter had then pointed to me and said "but mom, there's a princess!". I know I had likely gushed my thanks at the time. I wish I could let her know what an incredibly sweet and touching gesture this was. Considering at 400 pounds, even in my wedding dress I truly looked nothing like Cinderella or any of the other princesses, but it really goes to show what beautiful souls children and even adults can have, This memory has remained with me and fluttered into my mind while sitting at work today. I've never blogged before but such a happy memory is certainly a good place for me to start. -K T

These long dreary days are not doing much for my get up and go. I find myself bored to tears. Yawning my head off to the point that my eyes are watering. I'd love to be able to have the time to take off and just recuperate from the level of stress my life always seems to be under. The problem I encounter is when I have a down moment, and things are not moving at the speed of light and sound I don't know what to do with myself! I am so used to the high impact crash that usually happens when my battery stalls from all the overwhelming stress. The ones that take me down to the ground, and keep me there only until all the wounds scab over. I'm not used to pulling over and letting things pass me and avoiding those high speed crashes, but I am learning and I have been making different life choices these days and it's not just about food. Last year was a very rough year. It started at its usual break neck speed of things, and the intensity only increased throughout the year. I could write down all the grisly details, but sometimes sharing it all makes me tired and a bit sad. The events were extreme and it's a story that leaves most people staring at us with their mouths hanging open in disbelief. From January to April of last year our lives were zooming along on a roller coaster ride out of control. New Year's Eve this year we looked at each other, and vowed that this would be the year we worry about us. The year we focus on our health and wellbeing. A few weeks into the new year, my husband found out he would need a total hip replacement. The pain in his leg and his hip was getting worse by the second so we contacted the Hospital for Special surgery and met with the doctor, and the doctor didn't sugar coat it he told him flat out you need the surgery and that he would not touch him at his weight. He told him point blank go for some kind of weight loss surgery because you can't undergo this operation without it. He was devastated as I was to hear that. NO one wants to hear they are fat or that they are going to continue to suffer because of it if they don't do something about it, but I had a plan and I had the perfect place for us to go! I called the surgeon I had met 2 years prior that very same day and he accommodated us, so we drove there that very same day and started our Lapband journey! We jumped over the hurdles and through the testing hoops. We swam in the sea of the liquid diet, and we had our surgery, and in me…something was changing. I was learning so much more about myself. Not only about the foods I was eating, but why I was eating, and when and how and as I started to look at those things…I had to look at myself. I mean REALLY look at myself deep down inside in those dark and scary corners that no one wants to venture not even me! Yes my body had changed I had all these new little lines all around my tummy. I had lost some weight and I could see that in the mirror. My clothes were fitting better, but more importantly my attitude was changing. For me the stress never stops coming, not everything is as exceptional as the last year and Thank God for that! Something's are positive stressors like my youngest son's High School Graduation, College registrations 70th Birthday parties and 50 year anniversaries, but being part of the sandwich generation can really take its toll. My husband and I are caught between our sick and ailing parents who end up in the hospital every other week with life and death issues, from life support to blood clots to life saving surgeries decisions to be made on a dime, and our Peter Pan children who are pushing into their late 20's that seem to not want to grow up and take on the mantel of adulthood responsibility. We are always under one stress or another, working full time long hours far from home is sometimes a good thing, but most days it just adds to the level of stress. As I am learning what powers my body, and what it needs and doesn't need what it can and will tolerate or not, I am also learning about myself. The undue stress I endure when I run and jump and speed race for others, when I take on too many projects and take on other peoples responsibilities it adds to my already heavy burden. I have learned that just because I am capable, and can carry it doesn't mean that I have to. I am learning to pick and choose the things I engage in, as much as I pick and choose how, what and when I eat. I love to be able to help people it makes me feel good to share the knowledge and understanding I have, or to give physical aid where it's needed, but it can no longer be at the expense of my health. It hasn't been so easy for me to understand that I have to come first. I have to put my health and my wellbeing above the rest. I'm learning to take deep breaths and to try and keep the stress at bay. It's not always possible and it's never easy but I'm learning to cope to work with and around things that I should not be stressing over. In three almost four months the band has really helped me to make some major changes in my life and my lifestyle in positive ways. I don't think any weight loss would have been possible for me to keep off if I did not make some of these alterations, and I hope that I am able to continue to learn and implement new coping skills and see even more weight loss as I move forward toward my goals. Taking the time to think about and write all this today, as boring and dreary a day as it is here, has been an awesome non scale victory for me!

Haven't posted in awhile, things are going really well, I am a little over 2 weeks out and down 17 pounds, haven't moved from that in 4 days so I figure the dreaded 3 week stall is hitting. Oh well, I have learned its very common. Went to see my surgeon today and dietician. My surgeon was amazed at my recovery,(I must say he is a cutie too!) I have not had any issues, besides nausea with the celebrate vitamins. I am transitioning according to plan. He said "you are what we like to see with this surg" that made me feel good. I have been following rules, although I snuck a peanut butter cracker in the other day. Chewed it till it was mush. I must say it was delightful! But I was satisfied with that amount, unlike before where I would have eaten 15 of them. I asked the surgeon how he closed the stomach after he cut it, (I like gory details) He said he uses titanium staples which are permanent, also sutures a type of goretex material that dissolves along the incision, and he takes some of the omentum(tissue throughout the abdomen) and sutures it around the stomach to keep it in place.(this helps with nausea) These are techniques that are fairly new and that he and his partners created and are being used around the country. The dietician has given me the ok for soft foods and purees, what I don't get is they do not allow eggs, like egg salad or scrambled. But I can have tuna or chick salad. That was weird. I will stay on this for 4 more weeks before real food happens. I have tried mashed potatoes, refried beans and creme of wheat already no issues. I am slowly understanding the feeling of restriction now with this new food. I like to know its there. That is what keeps me on track. I do not have problems with sugar(kinda wish I did) I had a 70 calorie orange creme cicle, and no problems with it. What I am really struggling with is the no drinking during meals, I find myself with dry mouth post op so I always have a glass of water/crystal light around. It is so hard not to reach for the glass during the meal or right after. But I am working on it. I have noticed a change in appearance, nothing substantial, but heck I'm only out 17 days. I do tend to be a bit impatient........ This weekend could be a challenge, sat we may be going to a pig roast for a birthday, no one there knows and I don't feel like telling the story 80 times, but if I do not have a beer in my hand they will all think I am pregnant. Ugh so I may just have to pretend I am drinking. Then sunday we are going to see my husbands grandparents and take them out for their birthdays. Also, folks I don't feel like telling, number one because well people from that generation do not understand weight loss surg, and I don't feel like trying to explain myself 20 times because of hearing aids. But I also know his grandma will be pushing food on my like crazy so I may have to give in on that. Anywho, just though I would update things. I have found a routine, I am making my own protein shakes in the morning and saving the packaged ones for at work or on the go so I don't get too tired of them. I use half a banana, one scoop unflavored unjry, one container of 100cal greek yogurt(berry) and 1/3 cup skim milk and ice. Tastes great and good consistency. Plus its like 36grams of protien. Great start to the day. Till next time.....

"Believe in yourself and all that you are. Know that there is something inside you greater than any obstacle." - Christian D. Larson...I have to constantly surround myself with positive thoughts and quotes, etc. I have been doing this for a long time, it has helped renew my mind, focusing on what is going to help and not hinder me. Sometimes my mind can be a frightening place, and it has been that for years of emotional eating, out of control habits where food is concerned and all to the detriment of my health. I developed Diabetes, and was on oral meds and 5 shots a day and my numbers were still not where they were supposed to be. So I realized, a while ago, I had to change my mindset first, and the rest will follow. It's so easy to listen to and believe the negative things you tell yourself. I honestly remember telling myself how much I hated me and what I had become, I could not look at myself in the mirror without disgust at what I saw. My kids would judge how much weight mom lost according to if they could connect their hands around me when they hugged me. So after a bad marriage, and a bad 5 year relationship, I decided to work on ME. In doing so, I found the person I lost, and surprisingly she was waiting to make an entrance. She sat in the background being emotionally battered for long enough and food was her only friend. I tried denying the Diabetes and it got worse, they had to change insulin doses all the time just to see what might work, and it caused me to feel sick more often than not. But I had to press through, and had to realize that I AM worth fighting for, I AM worth my time, and I don't want my kids to know life without me at this point, I'm still young. That's where the positive talk came in to play and I can honestly say that with all things this helps me the most. I feel better because I am working on me from the inside out. This surgery was just icing on the "virtual" cake!!! Now I am self motivating me for the start of the rest of my life, and it feels great!!! I try not to let the negative things get me down, because I've been down that depression/anxiety road before and I don't like that path in life at all. Some things I say over and over that really help are as follows: "There is nothing to great of accomplishment for one who knows the power of one's word and follows one's intuitive leads." - "The perfect plan includes health, wealth, love and perfect self-expression. this is the square of life, which brings perfect happiness." - "When you feel the world pushing against you...drop your head, lower your shoulder and dig in deep and push back." - and the best one so far, by Joel Osteen: "You need to associate with people that inspire you, people tat challenge you to rise higher, people that make you better. Don't waste your valuable time with people that are not adding to your growth. Your destiny is too important." Believe that...YOU are important, YOU are so worth the effort you put in to yourself and YOU will be the BEST YOU that you can possibly be. As the song says...."YOU are AMAZING, JUST the way YOU ARE!!!"

I am in a pretty good mood right now. Have to admit I am one of those emotional rollercoaster types. Not that I am into drama or anything, I just feel things strongly. ( and often wear my emotions on my "sleeve"...LOL) You know it is bad when you shed tears watching really crazy things on tv and your four year old scolds you.."Mommy, you need to do something about all the crying". Hey, mommy is hormonal and emotional and changing her entire relationship with food after 43 years. I am entitled to a little random crying now and then. But I am getting away from the reason I am blogging today. As I have said several times I decided to start eating a diet similar to post surgery. Very high in protein, low in fat, calories and carbs. My thought process was I needed to make eating like this habit now, to make it easier on me later. I will be dealing with enough at that time, why compound it with trying to change everything I have ever done at the same time? So, as of August 1st I took on the challenge of changing my brain and how I relate to food. It has been hard at times, but not as bad as I had imagined. I guess the fact I am very focused on where I need to go makes it a little easier. IDK. Anyway, I work in a manufacturing plant and we have industrial scales used to weigh rolls of paper before shipping. They are calibrated often so I feel they are fairly accurate. I was unable to get on them August 1st because there were just too many guys around in the plant to do so. ( I am NOT ready to weigh in with an audience) So on August 2nd I was able to sneak on them with no one looking. I weighed 316lbs., which is my all time (non-pregnant) high weight. It is also the weight I had been when weighing at my doctor's, so again I feel it accurate. Well today was the first time I have been able to get on them again with no one around. I hopped on and it said 303lbs! I did a double take.. I have lost 13 lbs in 20 days!!! Whoop whoop. I am excited because I know it is getting my body to where it needs to be for an easier surgery and recovery. Of course I have already heard from a few people "well at that rate you won't need surgery". I just shake my head at their ignorance...LOL We all who have come to WLS know that is such a misconception. All this weight loss shows is just how fat I have become and how badly I have been eating. This 13lbs is a drop in the proverbial bucket. Yet I am excited that I can see I am doing the right thing. I see I can do this. I see a light at the end of my tunnel. I have hope.

Six months ago today marks the anniversary of a very important day. The day I put my foot in the Jordan River (metaphorically speaking, of course) and took a leap of faith. I decided to quit my extremely stressful, horrible, high-paying corporate job at a large wireless company, put my house on the market, had my last panic attack and jumped head first, heart open into my new life. Little did I know the changes that were in store for me, including the miracle of stumbling on to this surgery I'm about to undergo. I couldn't imagine then what I know now - happiness, serenity & peace. I don't know what the future holds but I do know this: I'm where I'm supposed to be and being guided by something greater and bigger than I could ever imagine. Don't get me wrong - it's not all roses, sunshine and butterflies, but I'm choosing to make the most of every day, despite the fact I'm selling my home, a business, a rental cabin, no full-time job (yet), a daughter that will be leaving the nest (most likely permanently) in a few weeks, a son who is starting his senior year of high school and no idea where I will land in a few months. What I DO have is faith - faith in me (after a very long time, tons of therapy, etc.), faith in my husband of 23+ years, faith in my weight loss (down 10 lbs. from high protein/low carbs in just a week!) and faith that a year from now I will be a completely different person. Just five more "sleeps" (as my kids used to say) until I check in the hospital. My husband asked me this morning if I was scared. I can honestly say I'm not. Just super excited to get rolling.

I just wish I had some restriction! This totally feels like a diet right now ... Have I failed? Why am I so hungry? Why don't I take smaller bites? Why don't I eat slower? Why can I still eat everything? My biggest question .... why do I keep reading other people's awesomely amazing experiences on here and think the same thing will happen to me... even when my surgeon is telling me that is not always how it works?!?!?! Here is an example: People on here who lose 40 pounds or more their first 6 weeks. My surgeon tells me: expect to lose less than 5 pounds in the first three months, then expect to lose 1 - 2 pounds a week after the three month mark (when proper restriction is reached). Here is another example: People on here who have restriction at 4 cc in their 10 cc band and they have "stuck" episodes, and they can barely eat five bites before they are satisfied. Here is my reality: I can eat anything and everything I want, no exceptions. Here is one more: People have restriction after one fill and live happily ever after. Here is what my surgeon tells me: I will need about three fills before I can feel restriction. I know ... it's individual, other people's experiences won't be mine. I know. But ... in every area in my life I'm a huge pessimist ... but with my lapband, I'm an optimist and I keep getting let down. I also know ... calm down, it's been 6 weeks and I've lost 14 pounds. That is better than 2 pounds a week. I need to keep repeating that to myself. Over and over and over and over and ....

I have been drinking cucumber water for a while now and I must say it really taste good. There are so many benefits to drinking this drink and aids in getting rid of water weight. The only thing you need to do is have a pitcher of water and sliced cucumber, put It in the fridge and enjoy. If you are carrying around water weight then this is a great help to get rid of it very cheaply. Enjoy! Health Benefits of Cucumbers antioxidant properties anti-inflammatory benefits anti-cancer benefits rich source of vitamin C, beta-carotene & manganese free radical scavenger anti-estrogenic effects helps with hydration helps with blood pressure beneficial for pyorrhea aids in digestion helpful with constipation natural remedy for treating tapeworms high silica content helps brittle nails may relieve gout & arthritis pain beneficial for diabetes may reduce cholesterol levels may help with kidney stonesids in weight loss good source of B vitamins effective hangover cure

SO Here is my motivation list. Things I will do when I get to my goal weight. Skiing with no boot extenders Ride a rollercoaster comfortably Tan out by the pool Learn to salsa dance Go to an actual zumba class Experiement with different sex positions Go hiking and not feel like dying Not be the biggest person in the room Fit back into my little black dress Looking awesome on the back of a bike Go to the gym and not feel self consious Buy clothes that arent in the plus size Get lingerie See my ex when I'm 100pds lighter Walk up my steps without getting winded