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I feel like a different part of my brain has been activated over the last few weeks. Look at how much we all have to learn to prepare for this surgery. When was the last time you used the words "pyloric valve" in polite conversation, on a regular basis? Eight weeks ago, I didn't realize I would be a "sleever", a "post-op" a "full liquids" stage. I was just me, loving life, my job, my husband, my kids, and reading Sci-Fi if I wanted to learn new words (China Mieville, anyone?) Unfortunately, today I also know things like "sliders", "pre-op cheating", "slow loser", "stall", "head hunger", "weight re-gain", "falling off the wagon". And now, these words I've never used before have become imbued with emotions, with meaning--and another way to judge myself and others. Now these words are emotion-laden, and I have to work to make them rational. Now, if I'm not careful, I will categorize myself by these words and find another way in which I could be seen to have failed. For someone who is as motivated as am I by the fear of failure, now these can be new weapons. Unless I refuse to let that happen. Unless I say to myself and those around me, that everyday that I stick to the plan is a successful day. That everyday I veer off the plan is an opportunity presented to me to triumph the next day. That this is my new life, and I intend to live it, enjoy it, succeed at it, and let the Universe unfold the way it should. So I will try not to throw out the old, happy life I had, and live instead by one where I can succeed or fail daily based on an outcome I may not be able to control--like when I stall, or what I lose. I can only control what I do, and that part, I know how to live by that.

After all the obsessing, the second-guessing, the tears, the food funerals, the binges "pre the pre-op," the failures on the pre-op, the successes on the pre-op, the hours reading on this site. And now.... the surgery is tomorrow! Some musings: --As I've posted, as surgery gets closer, I get calmer. Or at least that has been true up until today. I am going to post tonight to see if I start freaking out again, but right now I am solid and confident that this will all go well and I'll be very happy with the results. --As I look around my community at women and men who are as overweight or more overweight as I am, I feel such compassion. I know how that feels to be in this body and not believe I could ever get out. The feeling of a sugar binge, the out of control feeling, the horrible remorse and beating of self, then the starving myself to "make up for" the binge. And then the entire cycle starting again. So many people will remain stuck there because they don't know about the surgical option, cannot afford the surgical option, or are too scared to go with the surgical option. I feel so blessed today. Although I have no illusions about how tough this is going to be, at least I have hope of a real and lasting change. --I keep remembering my surgeon telling me that this is the only real cure for obesity. A CURE - not a bandaid this time! --The risks of this surgery are less than the risk of gallbladder surgery or hip replacement surgery. I have weighed the risks and benefits and I'm not going to start the mental mindf--ck of second guessing myself this late in the game. Now is not the time to start re-questioning my decision. I thought long and hard about this before I made my decision. Now is the time to trust. --I'm feeling grateful for this forum. It has been such a blessing to be able to read about your experiences, share my experiences, ask for help, ask for advice, and receive inspiration and support. You guys are like an online family. Only a lot more understanding about the weight stuff LOL! --Because I am so grateful for being able to learn about this process by reading your experiences, I am resolved to "give back" by blogging my own experience. I've blogged pre-op. I fully intend to blog as soon as I get home from surgery and for the time I am home from work so that others can get another perspective on "what it is really like." Okay...that's it for me this morning. I'll check in tonight. P.S. I stayed on my pre-op diet again yesterday - put together 3 days plus today (assuming I stick to it). Also, 2 week anniversary of quitting smoking. I rarely have cravings and I love not always wondering "where are my cigarettes?" "do I have enough cigarettes?" "how much longer til my kids go to bed so that I can sneak outside and have a cigarette." Etc. Love to all, Keep the faith, Angela

GamerGirl writes some of the best stuff.....I didn't want to lose this, so I'm keeping it on my "blog".......the 2nd week after surgery I had 5 days where my weight stayed the same......was it a stall? I didn't know and didn't care.......with everything I've read about VSG, I knew there would be bumps on this journey and not to get discouraged......but for more information, GG has posted some great reads below. Source: This is a Public Service Announcement concerning Stalls & Plateaus

Well, first a few REALLY exciting things...this morning the scale dropped again to 177, meaning a total loss of 78 pounds, 63 pounds post op. The other day I put on AND ZIPPED UP a pair of size 8 jeans...I've never been in a size 8...I honestly can't remember being one anyway.... so that is all great exciting stuff for this week The last two weeks it seems eating has become hard again, I realized as I sat with not really an upset stomach, but just feeling generally crappy after about 3 bites of dinner last night...I HATE EATING. I only do it to live now. It's weird to think of it that way. I used to really enjoy a really good meal, or a really yummy snack..and don't get me wrong- I'll still totally indulge in a brownie or something sweet and good like that- but generally speaking- I only eat to live. I never thought I'd see that day. It's a totally different world than the one I used to live in. I never really "crave" anything anymore- my husband hates that he asks me 'what do you want to eat?" and my genuine answer is "I don't care"....although I do care- b/c it can't be anything with too much bread, or anythig high in sugar, or carbs- lol- my stomach just doesn't tolerate those things anymore. To be honest though, I don't mind, I don't really miss it- I wasn't eating executive chef meals everynight- so if Taco Bell no longer sounds appetizing, I can handle that The saying is true- nothing tastes as good as skinny feels

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6wKyXA_nMVQ This video explain what been going on with me in the past 2 weeks. I am such a young old head! I am going to warn you guys I am going to be venting! So why I do I hate fake people because they are stabbers and lairs. I know most of my flaws but I will say this I am not fake! The only thing that is fake about me is the hair weave that is in my hair! So what happened? One on my good friend (coworker) had a house fire 2 weekends ago and lost everything. Last Monday I came into work and my fellow coworkers ask did I hear what happened to my friend? I thought he died or something but my coworkers filled me in on what happened. So I started calling our friends outside of work to see if he was okay. Then I called my boss to let him know what happened. Finally my partner in crime (my friend) called me. I was so happy to hear from him! To give you a little background He supported me during my decision process of getting the lap band. He called me every day when I was out for my surgery to check on me. So I took this one to heart. Later on that day I went up stair to talk to someone who I thought who was my friend. She asked me did I hear what happened to my friend. I close her office door and told her I was so upset that I had to take a Xanax and that he was okay. The only reason I closed her door was because I didn’t want her neighbors to know that I am on Xanax When I got back to my office I received a phone call from one of her wannabe bosses. This girl went a told her wannabe boss that I told her what happen to my friend. So basically he didn’t know about it and I was accused telling a couple of people what happened to my friend. Well that is half true I only told people who I thought who heard from him or knew how to get ahold of them and the rest was all hearsay. Anyway as soon as I got off the phone I started to cry I was so upset that I didn’t eat lunch. My mentor ended up calming me down and I proceeded on with my day. I am hurt because I thought those two people were team players but they are not. I have done nothing to them to get this type of treatment from them. So I prayed on this and forgave them but I will forgive them because this will take some time. Moving forward…. Even though they upset me I didn’t go back to my old habit Instead of 2 big girl bottles of wine I only had two glasses. I ended up seeing my friend last Friday I brought him some comfort food and gave him a cooler full of his favorite beers. Also we raised $1415 in cash and over $280 worth gifts cards for him. That came from our group of friends. We all started crying when we finish counting the money. It was very emotional for us. All about me… I am slowly breaking out from my shell about me and buying new clothes. Since my last entry I was a size 16 but mentally I am still my old size 20. It took me a week to final wear the clothes I brought 2 weeks ago! Yesterday I decided to wear one of my outfits and I was getting so much attention… and it felt good! I also started running (jogging) and I am averaging 3 miles in 30 mins. Starting next month I want to start working on my arms. My goal is to have arms like Michelle Obama! I am 59 pounds lighter and life is good! Thanks for reading.

Six months ago today marks the anniversary of a very important day. The day I put my foot in the Jordan River (metaphorically speaking, of course) and took a leap of faith. I decided to quit my extremely stressful, horrible, high-paying corporate job at a large wireless company, put my house on the market, had my last panic attack and jumped head first, heart open into my new life. Little did I know the changes that were in store for me, including the miracle of stumbling on to this surgery I'm about to undergo. I couldn't imagine then what I know now - happiness, serenity & peace. I don't know what the future holds but I do know this: I'm where I'm supposed to be and being guided by something greater and bigger than I could ever imagine. Don't get me wrong - it's not all roses, sunshine and butterflies, but I'm choosing to make the most of every day, despite the fact I'm selling my home, a business, a rental cabin, no full-time job (yet), a daughter that will be leaving the nest (most likely permanently) in a few weeks, a son who is starting his senior year of high school and no idea where I will land in a few months. What I DO have is faith - faith in me (after a very long time, tons of therapy, etc.), faith in my husband of 23+ years, faith in my weight loss (down 10 lbs. from high protein/low carbs in just a week!) and faith that a year from now I will be a completely different person. Just five more "sleeps" (as my kids used to say) until I check in the hospital. My husband asked me this morning if I was scared. I can honestly say I'm not. Just super excited to get rolling.

I just wish I had some restriction! This totally feels like a diet right now ... Have I failed? Why am I so hungry? Why don't I take smaller bites? Why don't I eat slower? Why can I still eat everything? My biggest question .... why do I keep reading other people's awesomely amazing experiences on here and think the same thing will happen to me... even when my surgeon is telling me that is not always how it works?!?!?! Here is an example: People on here who lose 40 pounds or more their first 6 weeks. My surgeon tells me: expect to lose less than 5 pounds in the first three months, then expect to lose 1 - 2 pounds a week after the three month mark (when proper restriction is reached). Here is another example: People on here who have restriction at 4 cc in their 10 cc band and they have "stuck" episodes, and they can barely eat five bites before they are satisfied. Here is my reality: I can eat anything and everything I want, no exceptions. Here is one more: People have restriction after one fill and live happily ever after. Here is what my surgeon tells me: I will need about three fills before I can feel restriction. I know ... it's individual, other people's experiences won't be mine. I know. But ... in every area in my life I'm a huge pessimist ... but with my lapband, I'm an optimist and I keep getting let down. I also know ... calm down, it's been 6 weeks and I've lost 14 pounds. That is better than 2 pounds a week. I need to keep repeating that to myself. Over and over and over and over and ....

HEY there! i am 3 weeks and 4 days out from surgery... and on a stall! i know to be positive and everything, but i just want to be like SERIOUSLY!!!!! i can see it in the tummy that its going down, i know the inches are because i put 3 pairs of jeans in the cant wear bag that needs to goto the donate pile... i joined a slowpitch softball team that plays on sundays and this last sunday was the first game... wow its been 12 years since HS and i sure can tell... i needed a roll cart with air for sure!!!! i have been going to the gym.... DAMN i was so excited to start tho... i get up to bat and totally nerves set in like **** what did i get myself into... i am going to kill myself, but licky me i have insurance lol... well its slow pitch so the ball is no faster than a third grader playing... YEAHHHH!!!! i slam the ball out in the left feild (or i think that is what it was i have forgotten how sad) i was like HELL YEAH the guy dropped it! haha sucker, so i hall off to 1st... as i am running, i start having the running farts like i seriously was farting going to first!!!!!! PRAYING no one heard me lol... pants are able to fall down i was just so excited to get to first! i made it!!!! but then got out at 2nd the next batter... hahah hope you have had a good laugh now!!!! but i am stalling scale has not moved in a week but that is okay... i keep plugging away and going to the gym... i wanted to cheat and not go yesterday but made myself go and was so glad i did!

Omg I just made the best lobster "bisque". I made it up as I went, hence the note below. Half an onion sliced thin 3 cloves garlic smashed 1in ginger sliced thin and julienned 5 Campari tomatoes 1/2 head cauliflower 3 c chicken stock 2 tablespoons pesto 1 lb frozen langoustine or lobster (see note below) Salt Pepper Sauté onions, garlic and ginger until browned (I used ghee, you can use fat of choice or spray w Pam). Pour in chicken broth and dump everything except frozen langoustine. Season with salt and pepper. Cook until veggies are tender. Put in langoustines and cook over slow heat until cooked through. Purée soup until smooth and voila! Note: We took out two cups of soup and puréed 6 oz of langoustines. That gives us 3 oz each or 14 gms of protein! I'm saving the rest to purée with shrimp tomorrow. If I had a recipe, I might not have so much soup left over but it's very good. Rich, creamy, flavorful and maybe I won't have to do another protein shake tonight. I've had worse in pricey restaurants.

My husband & I were talking, and I got a bit emotional about this journey and so thankful for his support.....the poor man, he is my sole support......well, that and VST! He's never asked how much I weighed, but knew I was over 200 pounds. I was 250 in January.....forget about getting to a healthy weight....I was feeling overwhelmed at the possibility at just getting below 200 and feeling I would never reach that goal. Today I weighted in at 217 and got teary eyed when I realized getting under 200 is possible, and it's in sight.....don't know how long it'll take to get there, but am giving it my all. My husband is hurt that I don't wear my wedding band/engagement ring. I already had them sized 5 years after we married...back in 1989....and I refused to have them sized again--unless it's smaller.....felt if I got them sized again to a bigger size it was acknowledging I'll never get to a healthy weight.....and I wasn't going down w/o a fight. He has no clue, but I can now wear my wedding rings......our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks....I plan on surprising him by wearing them....I'm so excited, I want to wear them now....but I don't want to ruin the surprise.....wish me luck!