Leaderboard

I did something I didn't think I'd EVER be able to do Saturday night: I attended a bachelorette party for a good friend, jumped on a party bus with 11 other ladies and didn't touch a DROP of alcohol the entire night. Well, ok, there was ONE sip at a comedy club after my friend sent her margarita back twice claiming it had soda in it so I just had to see for myself how truly hideous it was. And it WAS. But that was it! We had dinner at a Mexican restaurant. My FAV food in the world. Not a chip passed my lips. No beans. No rice. Just some grilled chicken with a bit of salsa on it and a few black beans. The moral? If I can spend 7 hours on a bus full of crazy drunk people, pass on Mexican, (oh and did I mention there was cake?), pass on cake (I shall leave the "shape" of cake to your imagination) - I CAN DO THIS. Just how tough was this? Oh so hard. Normally I'm the life of the party, and at my current height/weight I can put it away. Bottom line - WILL POWER. One week until surgery. I've turned down fruit, beer (gulp), chips, etc. My size 0, 19 year old daughter left a 1/3 eaten Snickers bar on the counter the other day (who DOES that?!) and I wrapped it up and stuck it away for her later. I wasn't even tempted to finish it as I would have been a month ago. I want to be healthy more than I want the 2 second gratification of tasting chocolate. The other thing I'm learning is that food is for FUEL, not for emotions. Old me: "Hey! It's sunny! I need a bowl of cereal! Oh crap, it's raining, I should probably make a pot of pasta and have 3 huge bowls. Look at that, I'm sad - better grab some chips and dip" (you get the idea). Now I'm listening to my tummy for cues that it needs fuel. Let me close this post by saying - to know me is to know how hard this has been and will be for me. BUT I'm doing it and so can you. Stay positive - eye on the prize.

Surgery complete. Half way to goal. Happy with the results thus far. But how far am I going? At the moment, I am just adrift in the currents of change and weight loss. Not a bad place to be, for now. Societal pressures say I should be rail thin. The BMI (to which our insurance companies enslave our health standards to) says I should be very thin, when going by the ideal weight for all of my 63". My boyfriend would like for me to keep some curves. My doctor wants me to lose at least 80lbs, no more than 100. Everyone has an idea of where I should end up, and what I should be. What about me? Yes, I know. I know. I should get to a place that makes me happy. But where is that? I know I don't want to be rail thin or too thin. I like having curves, but I don't want too many curves. That's why I got the surgery in the first place! I'm half way to the Doctor's goal. I have time to figure this out. I have time to discover the new physical me that emerges. In the end, fat or skinny, I am still me. I like me. I didn't like the way I looked, but I like ME. So, here I go, adrift in the currents of change and weight loss. Enjoying the journey. To thine own self be true.

Well the sleep Center call me today and told me that I tested positive for sleep apnea and is severe. So they schedule me appointment to go try the CPAP mask and machine and I have to stay overnight again. In part this will definitely get me approve as a medical necessity however, it's sad that I'm in this predicament. My mother and brother both suffer from this disease, and they let it get horribly bad. But I am going to do everything in my power to not end up with a trachea tube and in a position that I can't barely move. I met my surgeon already I'm in a supervised diet, I'm walking, I'm potion controlling. I'm doing this.

Well, it's been a whole week since that fateful appointment with the surgeon last Monday, and even though I haven't done perfectly, I have managed to make some changes. I dropped soda like a rock. I'm proud of that. I got a bottle of water with ounce measurements on it and I'm up to drinking all the water I need to. I've cut my carb intake in half, I think. Burgers without buns, breakfast without toast, things like that. But, I still have some hurdles to jump. Drop carbs completely. Drop sweets completely. Count calories and stay under 1200. So, I'm not perfect, but I could be worse. I'm not gonna weigh myself every day or every week. That will make me nuts and my scale's not that accurate anyway. I got it at Wal-mart, after all. So, I'll update my weight each month, when I visit the doctor and use their vastly superior scale.

Hello friends! Thanks to all who posted the kind, encouraging comments. I can't tell you how much it means - really helped snap me out of the funk. With the caveat that I'm always happier in the morning (vs. evening when I'm hungry and tired), I will say that today it all seems bearable. I stuck to the pre-op diet perfectly yesterday (although I had more than one sugar free popsickle...!). Today, I am committed to doing it again, no matter how hungry and headachy I get. If you guys can do this, I can do this too! In other news: I've been watching the Aug. 19 thread and it is so exciting to see those with whom you've been watching for the past week go through the process. They seem to all be nervous and excited. That's how I feel too -- I have to go to sleep 3 more times before it's time for the surgery. Can't get here fast enough as far as I'm concerned! Also, a shout out to all those who are on the other side of surgery and have posted their great results on the comments to this blog and on the larger forum. It is such an inspiration. Lastly, there was a huge article in my local paper today (Kansas City Star) about the dangers of visceral fat. Visceral fat is the fat that we carry around our internal organs. (If you are considering sleeve surgery, trust me you have it). Reading the article was added motivation and comfort that I am making the right decision for myself and my children by having this surgery. One recommendation to others who are nervous and always second guessing: remember how dangerous it is to remain overweight. I get myself into trouble when I start saying "I don't care if I'm fat...I am used to not looking good and having to buy big girl clothes." This is not a cosmetic surgery for any of us. It is truly a chance at a long and healthy life vs. a life of heart problems, knee problems, other inflammatory disease problems, etc. We are doing this for the right reasons. And the risk of this surgery is less than the risk of gallbladder surgery or knee surgery (I looked it up to give myself some comparisons). Okay, back to work. Feels good to post a positive blog entry! Have a great day, Angela

SO Here is my motivation list. Things I will do when I get to my goal weight. Skiing with no boot extenders Ride a rollercoaster comfortably Tan out by the pool Learn to salsa dance Go to an actual zumba class Experiement with different sex positions Go hiking and not feel like dying Not be the biggest person in the room Fit back into my little black dress Looking awesome on the back of a bike Go to the gym and not feel self consious Buy clothes that arent in the plus size Get lingerie See my ex when I'm 100pds lighter Walk up my steps without getting winded

Hi, as you might have read, my name is Carmen. I am a mother of two, a 13 year old daughter, and a 9 year old son. Currently after 15 years working I am taking a break to continue my education. I am an EMT, and I am going to school for cosmetology. I been in the retail industry all my life. When I became and EMT, it was one if my great accomplishments, I was very happy. I started to work for a busy system in the City of Syracuse, and I was doing OK. At the end of my 15 hour days, I was in serious pain, but i got up every morning at 4am to go to work and do it all over again. But the pain got worst, i was barely able to stand on my feet less carry a heavy bag with an oxygen tank. I took a medical leave to address my condition. Resulting that I have arthritis on my back and my knees are deteriorating and I have tendinitis on my wrist. Anyone with arthritis now that pain only gets worst and it never gets better, I started taking medications for the pain that wouldn't allow me to drive the ambulance in the state. So I had to extend my leave indefinitely. My neck started to hurt, along with my ankles, and even so I decided to start going to school for cosmetology more standing up and more wrist work, What was I thinking? I figure I need to continue working on something I like doing but I want to make more for my work, and I want to work when I want to ( when not in pain). Anyways Its been a journey I am half way my journey (http://bbgbeauty.blogspot.com). My brother ended up in the hospital, also my mother. My brother had developed sleepanea, a sleeping disorder mostly on obese people. He weight at almost 600 pounds. He had let himself go. He was in the hospital for many months until he was able to get out he now weights around 550. He can barely walk, or breathe he ended up with a tracheal tube for life or until he gets his weight under control. Now my mother is battling her foot to diabetes in the hospital and they ha to amputate all her toes. I go trough a lot with them and finally get them into my home and they doing a little better. But its far from over, my mom goes again more times to the hospital and still struggling to keep her leg now in top of everything my boyfriend ends up in the emergency room because of his diabetes. I said to my self no more... I decided I am not going to end up like them, to this date I don't have diabetes, I might be in the border of Sleepanea, I might already have it. I don't have high cholesterol but my blood pressure is very high and I take medications for these. I talk to them about loosing weight and that we could do it together, they seem reluctant to the idea of eating less and healthier. I guess I am on my own right now. Each person's health is their own decision. My mom is somewhat supportive, she "tried to keep me under control with sweats" and by trying i mean she waves them in front of me and says resist the temptations! lol . My boyfriend has gone so far to the info group and support groups in the area for me and have allow me to expend a little extra on healthy foods. We all know that healthy food is more expensive... but thats another topic. So I went to the information group to gather information about the Gastric Bypass Surgery, and I have learn a lot. I also went online to research, and I been to support groups in the area. I filled my paperwork and submitted to the surgeons. I am awaiting a date to start the process. It should be this week. They called me last week but I was missing my doctors referral, which hopefully they faxed today. I been on a diet on my own so i can gradually start my transition to better eating. Its been hard. I am limited to 1,400 calories a day, witch is not much compared to what I was eating before. its like torture, to the point that I don't want to leave my room into the world because everything is food, advertised, in commercials, int he internet, on games, in my kitchen, my family and kids, across the street next door, its everywhere, the temptations are all there, its worst than drugs. And for someone that has been big since a child, and never been restricted on what I can eat because my motto was, "I am going to die anyways might as well die happy" Well, i rather die happy but not suffering restricted to a bed or not able to enjoy life. I want to be able to fit in the roller coaster so when my daughter goes in a date I can follow her and get in the same rides as her and her boyfriend. I want to be able to fit on normal clothes and spend $20 less on a shirt. I want to be able to run after my future grand kids, I want to be able to have a snore free sleep, and wake up energized, I don't want to be afraid of a stroke or diabetes. I want to keep all my limbs, I want to be able to work and make money! I want to be able to wash the dishes with less pain on my back and knees, and I want to be able to go back to being a great EMT and live a long healthy life. And more than anything I want to go to my birth country and shove it on their faces that I was able to loose weight and I ams till beautiful as I was before. So this is why I decided to do the gastric bypass. Even thou a lot of people say you can do it without the surgery, I might... but YES i am opting for the easier way, where I will have less chance of failure. Once my stomach is smaller, I will able to be full with less food thus being different from now, that I eat less but i am still hungry. And I don't care if people don't agree with me on doing this surgery, it my decision, and if I am weak for doing it, so be it. Pre-Operation: Currently I weight 280 pounds I lost 3 pounds in 2 weeks. Here are some of my current pics, They are gross, but I want you to have an idea of the real situation and have a visual concept of my progress.