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More embarrassing than the male nurse giving me a bedpan. I couldn't wipe properly. The pain on my left side was killing me, i sat there for 10 minutes trying until i said "screw this" and grabbed the shower hose. Worst poop ever.

Today was a girls day out.....and we scrapbook together......I brought my meals....I'm still on full liquids.....and thought I'd be all set......then dinner was brought out..........total head hunger....... I nearly reasoned that I could have a bite if I chewed it very, very well. Note: I've had this dinner before....it's not that great LOL But I still wanted it.............desperately..........and no, I wasn't hungry.....haven't been hungry since being sleeved. I sipped my protein drink.....still wanted the dinner..........so I left the room and called my hubby........You're probably sick of me saying this, but I've come to far to screw this up.............After taking a walk, chatting with hubby, I was able to put this behind me.....just needed a distraction to focus on. We've heard it before......and it's worth repeating.......whatever struggles we experienced before surgery, we will have them afterwards......and they need to be worked on/addressed.......the sleeve is only a tool, not a magic wand.. I'm glad I didn't give in to my old habit "a bite won't hurt".

Well the sleep Center call me today and told me that I tested positive for sleep apnea and is severe. So they schedule me appointment to go try the CPAP mask and machine and I have to stay overnight again. In part this will definitely get me approve as a medical necessity however, it's sad that I'm in this predicament. My mother and brother both suffer from this disease, and they let it get horribly bad. But I am going to do everything in my power to not end up with a trachea tube and in a position that I can't barely move. I met my surgeon already I'm in a supervised diet, I'm walking, I'm potion controlling. I'm doing this.

Waking up at 2am and trying to get out of bed is painful as hell. I don't have a normal bed with a frame that's all purdy. It's a bed and box spring. No headboard or nothing. I kinda miss the remote for the bed, it would help me stretch and move the gas around. Now i have 6 pillows propping me up, lol. One of those pillows is used as a cat guard. They've been trying to lay on me.

I've struggled with telling people from the start of this journey. Mostly because I dread the negative reactions and rude comments. Another issue that I have is a direct result from a traumatic event that happened a few years ago. People focused on that constantly, for a couple of years....and it gets old---you try to heal, move on, live a normal life, and they can't help but ask about it, comment about it, and it can be a downer (even if their intentions are good). I don't want people to focus on this (I do enough of it on my own ) This morning I've figured at some point I may tell the truth when asked, but I won't put out a banner announcing it......and gmanbat's post below couldn't have come at a better time. THANK YOU GMANBAT! Source: VSG: status symbol?

My husband & I were talking, and I got a bit emotional about this journey and so thankful for his support.....the poor man, he is my sole support......well, that and VST! He's never asked how much I weighed, but knew I was over 200 pounds. I was 250 in January.....forget about getting to a healthy weight....I was feeling overwhelmed at the possibility at just getting below 200 and feeling I would never reach that goal. Today I weighted in at 217 and got teary eyed when I realized getting under 200 is possible, and it's in sight.....don't know how long it'll take to get there, but am giving it my all. My husband is hurt that I don't wear my wedding band/engagement ring. I already had them sized 5 years after we married...back in 1989....and I refused to have them sized again--unless it's smaller.....felt if I got them sized again to a bigger size it was acknowledging I'll never get to a healthy weight.....and I wasn't going down w/o a fight. He has no clue, but I can now wear my wedding rings......our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks....I plan on surprising him by wearing them....I'm so excited, I want to wear them now....but I don't want to ruin the surprise.....wish me luck!

I'm down 10 lbs. in 1 month. I started this process on 7/16. Amazing what not eating carbs will do for you. I'm hyper-sensitive now to reading food labels. Went to Costco yesterday and was shocked by how many carbs there are in everything I love to eat. Doc has me on a 20 grams or less of carbs per day until day before surgery and then it's liquids only. I can eat unlimited protein. The shakes are saving me as I really don't have much of an appetite. I weigh myself once in the morning and then log it and my food intake on myfitnesspal.com. Love that site and it's really keeping me on track! I keep telling myself I can DO THIS! I'm excited to be healthier, to be able to walk (eventually jog/run), wear different clothes, etc. Tonight I'm going to a bachelorette party for a friend and it's going to be tough to not drink, but I have a ton of support from the friends that will be there.

It's been a busy few weeks. The week before last, I was out at Camp Keystone in Starke, FL for our youth Junior Soldier Camp. I had a great week of walking and enjoying nature as well as getting a good meal 3x's a day with the choice of salad as a meal in itself or something to go along with my meal. I did well and ate what I knew I could and kept away from a lot of what I knew I couldn't. I was proud of myself as I began to take my Calcium Citrate pills again (for the first time in almost a year) that week and now I am able to take them faithfully! Last week I came home to my Day Camp Kids and felt so glad to be back. While I was away though I had many moments to think about what is going on with me and to admit some things. I kept reflecting on my "Desires". Coming back home I thought that I'd be ready to get right in there and go after those things that I wanna start focusing on...nope, it's actually a greater struggle. I have to pray often and consider what will help me change the mindset that I am stuck and can't move forward. It's almost as if I need someone to take me by the hand, grab my running shoes, put my buds in my ears and go until I sweat to death! Why do I need someone to do that for me when I was the one that got me to where I needed to be in the first place? Why do I need someone to challenge me to do something that I have always been able to do on my own? Why can't I get up and get motivated to go to the gym? Why can't I do all that on my own anymore? Why doesn't it matter as much as it had before? Why haven't I been able to make this a huge priority in my life anymore? I keep asking these questions and I know that I won't see the answers or the results until I am 100% completely ready. But here I am, I am at the point of desire to do something better for myself...to fight the struggle...to beat the wanna and just do it! I know that initially I had a wonderful support system; I had my team of Doctors, Surgeons, Nurses, Dieticians, therapists, friends and family. I now have an anxiety med, a great distance between my family (a sister that I moved here to be near and haven't seen in almost a year now due to her own life's circumstances) and almost a year and a half without working out when I had been doing it up to 75 minutes daily. Where is the joy that I had? Where's the love of a new life gone? I need it back!!! I need the desire back!!! I have had lots of time to process all of this and lately it has been heavy on my heart. I need to find the right person, the perfect scenery and make it to my destination...rejoicing together along the drive. So I pray tonight, I pray for the person God has planned just for me, the place to enjoy and the results to show the best I can possibly be. It is my desire, a strong, deep desire, to be back on track physically. I lay it at the altar Lord, I leave it before You...striving for Holiness, moving from the burden of the sin to accept staying where I'm at to the reality of what is right and what I need to do to feel better. Holiness is my desire...