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SO Here is my motivation list. Things I will do when I get to my goal weight. Skiing with no boot extenders Ride a rollercoaster comfortably Tan out by the pool Learn to salsa dance Go to an actual zumba class Experiement with different sex positions Go hiking and not feel like dying Not be the biggest person in the room Fit back into my little black dress Looking awesome on the back of a bike Go to the gym and not feel self consious Buy clothes that arent in the plus size Get lingerie See my ex when I'm 100pds lighter Walk up my steps without getting winded

(Posted to MFP on 8/9/13) I've found myself at odds since I reached my first major goal - getting under 200 lbs. I was so focused on that goal that once I reached it, I didn't really know what to strive for next. Over the course of a couple of weeks I started sliding back into bad habits, not tracking, and just generally being lazy. Now I think it's because I didn't have a concrete goal to focus on next. So, I decided to pre-determine my specific goals - obviously the Main Goal is to lose weight, but I need weight-related milestones to keep me on track. Lose 20 lbs - complete! Get under 200 lbs - complete! Get to 190 Get to 186 Get to 169 Get to 160 Get to 155 Get to 150 Get to 145 Get to 140 Get to 135 Get to 125 Get to 120 Some odd numbers, I know. I chose 186 because I had a frenemy that used to crow about her weight loss and time in the gym until everyone was sick to death of hearing about it. When she reached 187 it was 3 weeks of listening to her go on and on about her workouts, her food intake, and every last detail of her bodily functions to get to 187. The number always stuck in my head, so I figure if I get to 186 I can finally get that memory out of my head & thumb my imaginary nose at her! I chose 169 because I weighed 170 after having my daughter, and it was the highest weight I had ever been at. After that, I only gained - I never got back under 170 and that was 18 years ago. So, once I get to 169 I will be at my lowest since 1995!! The rest of these goals may change over time, for now they are just place-holders. But at least I've got them down!

An amazing thing is happening. For the first time in my life, I can honestly say, "I don't give a s h i t what other people think." Perhaps it's because I'm another year older today, and on birthdays one is wont to take stock. Perhaps it's because I am feeling the empowerment than accompanies true change. Perhaps it's because I'm finally realizing I have people in my life who love me unconditionally, or that I now know I am deserving of that love. Perhaps it is all of these. What I do know is I've said that phrase many times before, at times very convincingly, but I never meant it. I wanted to mean it, others even believed that I meant it because I come across as irreverent and impossible to embarrass, but there was always a motivational undercurrent of wanting to be liked. The following is a list of notions I've recently come to accept as valid. Some are mere reminders to myself, some are rants, some are missives directed at specific people on this site. All are liberating: I am not required to tell anyone about my decision to have weight loss surgery. Should I choose to do so, I have no obligation to explain or defend my decision. I am justified in flipping off another driver when the egotistical delusions acquired from watching "The Fast and the Furious" momentarily override his cognizance of the fact that he is operating a deadly weapon. I may express my offense when someone implies I should be ashamed of the way I look, or used to look. I am permitted to be impolite, even rude, to a man whose words or actions are causing me to feel uncomfortable or unsafe. I am allowed to inflict physical harm if his clear intention is to harm me. I am free to voice my belief that it is not all right for people posting in the general forum to attribute their weight loss to a higher power. If I attributed mine to Obama or the recent supreme court ruling on gay marriage, and put that post in a general discussion forum, I would be criticized. And rightfully so. I have a right to discuss the increase in my libido on an internet forum, as well as the conundrum I'm faced with as a single teacher in a small town, without being accused of advertising for sex. And should someone attempt to shame me out of talking about sex, I have a right to stand firm in my refusal to be shamed. I am allowed to call people out for misusing this and other support sites; for not following the rules, which have been clearly laid out; and I am allowed to do so without being subjected to ridicule and insult. I am not required to dumb myself down because others are intimidated by my intelligence. I also am allowed to state that others are intimidated by my intelligence without apologizing or prefacing such a remark with a qualifier or self-deprecating damper such as "This is probably going to sound egotistical, but...." when I have a higher than average IQ. It is also true that I am endlessly disheartened by the dissolution of the English language, have won awards for performance and writing, and am, on the whole, infinitely more impressed with the emotional intelligence of animals over that of people. None of these statements require compensation. I do not have to remain passive when others make remarks that are sexist, racist, ageist, homophobic, heterosexist, xenophobic, misogynistic, violently aggressive, indicative of body fascism, or convey intolerance of mental illness, mental retardation, or other disability. I deserve to be treated with dignity. And if you don't agree with me, I really don't care. Honestly. And it feels so f u c k i n g good to say that.

We make soup today! Shrimp Bisque and Chicken & Mushroom, both pureed. I don't know how to shop or cook for small meals. I barely have pots in the house small enough for our new meals. I take out the cauliflower I bought. I picked the smallest one at the market. The WLS Surgery recipe calls for 1 cup for four people. That's about a fourth of the entire dang cauliflower. What am I supposed to do with the rest? The chicken soup recipe calls for 1/2 lb of chicken. I have no idea what size pot I need to cook that little chicken. I've been cooking for a family since I was 14, and here I am at 47, I can't guesstimate the right pot size for so little food. I've been telling R he will have to stop going to Costco but I don't think he quite believed me until he saw the proportions of food we're cooking. Forget Costco, I think I may need to start buy veggies at the Salad bar instead of at the grocery! And after all that? I eat 2 oz and R can get in 4 oz of the soup before we're too full for more! Friends want to come visit to check on us. We start to clean the house and to cook something for them. After several hours of whirl winding around, we are SO tired that my tummy hurts. R is cranky and over-sensitive and has to go lie down after he loses it with the kids and me over nothing. The hormone thing is doing a whammy on him for sure. We give him hugs and reassure him we still love him, and then sit down to eat as a family. I decide we will have to let our friends know we are not up for company yet. We're really, really not. At all. We may not hurt, but we tire easily and then we get cranky. Need to tread slowly still. R and I go to lie down in our bed at 1 pm. The kids follow as does the dog. We spend the rest of the day hanging about together, all of us on our computers, chatting occasionally, resting, reading, and playing with the dog. From time to time, I get up to make food/snacks for the kids, and R gets up to make our soups. THIS is how you recover on a Saturday after surgery my friends. Soul-food time, with no food, just love to feed your soul. And a little soup maybe.

When I started talking about having the sleeve done my sister also started talking about it. She is over weight and has been for most of her adult life just like myself. She is 5 years older than I am but is about 5 inches shorter. She has been my little big sister for many years. Well, she has had a couple of c-sections, laproscopic gall bladder surgery and a robotic hysterectomy and was concerned that she may have adhesions that would cause problems for a sleeve surgery. She talked herself out of the surgery and out of looking into it anymore than what she already had, which wasn't much but still. Well, I've now lost 102 pounds and she has gained about 20 in that same amount of time. She asked me this weekend if I thought she would be crazy to have it done. I was so excited! I have been wanting to encourage her to have the surgery but knew she was afraid to. She talked with her husband and he is supportive too! My prayer for her is that if she is supposed to have it done that God will put her infront of the right surgeon. She lives away from me so will be using someone other than the surgeon that did mine. I am so excited for her and that we could be doing this together. She is one of my best friends and is one of my biggest encouragers. I can't wait for the opportunity to be the same for her!

I had a NSV this past weekend. Unfortunately, along with it came a problem. I had to go get the box out of the attic. You know the one that I filled with the clothes that were too tight. The clothes that I had from the last time I lost some weight .. and the time before that, and the time before that.... How could that possibly be a problem, you ask? The routine in the past has always been to take out the smaller clothes (hurrah!!) and fill the box with the bigger clothes. At that point, the box sits in the closet for a few weeks while I decide if it goes to charity or back in the attic. Well, having gained and lost the same 40# several times in my adult life coupled with the fact that I'm frugal (ok ok a cheap rat bastard), the nagging thought that I may need those clothes again generally leads to them going back in the attic. Then later when I've lost my resolve and gone back to cramming my pie hole with whatever isn't nailed down.... the box comes out and the the process is repeated in reverse. I keep telling myself that this time is different. That not only will I never need those clothes again, in all likelihood, I will have to buy new clothes when the "small" clothes are too big in another month. I am quickly coming up to the point where I will be smaller than I have been in 20 years, and my goal is a place that I haven't seen since middle school. Never the less, the box of big clothes is currently sitting in my closet silently mocking me. Stupid box.

Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking - (1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong. I think it depends on the sauce (go with "hot" flavor to get all of Einstein's relativity benefits, I know he is not the king of Thermodyanics, but you always get points for dropping his name) (2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count… (3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce. Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE! Nonetheless, busted is busted. Until, the great god of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught. Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure) But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects. Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of. Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive). So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.” I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA – Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog. I took out the trash and washed her car twice…. HOPE YOU ARE LAUGHING..... LIFE IS TOO SHORT NOT TO LAUGH - ESPECIALLY AT ME. Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking - (1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong. (2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count… (3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce. Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE! Nonetheless, busted is busted. Until, the great good of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught. Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure) But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects. Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of. Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive). So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.” I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA – Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog. I took out the trash and washed her car twice…. Before my surgery, I used to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings (BWW) on my way home from work. I work many many hours (70+ a week or more) so I come home late a lot. I got in the habit of stopping off at BWW on the way home for a few. But I had a system - Here was my thinking - (1) Tuesday is wing night with discount prices - 40% off means 40% off, so I ate an extra 40% of wings for the same calories. I am pretty sure that is the 4th law of thermo dynamics. I could be wrong. (2) Then if you used a discount card, or had a gift card, they were "FREE" - well, those don't count… (3) And we all know that all the calories are in the bones, so getting boneless wings was practically like eating lettuce. Well, here was the problem. BWW was a smoking establishment – so I would come home smoky and the wife would ask, “Did you stop at Buffalo?” to which I would say no! Since she was obviously referring to a small town in upstate New York. And I had not been THERE! Nonetheless, busted is busted. Until, the great good of fried chicken intervened. They did a huge bar remodel and in order to get the building permit, they had to go No-smoking inside. Wheeeee! Now I am in high cotton. I can stop off and not get caught. Of course, the sleeve surgery drastically changed my eating and beer consumption habits. So I was not covered in mango hanenero or Asian Zing sauce anymore. And not having a “few” beers. But I could still hang with my late night buds, tell horrible lies about all kinds of things – like girls, and golf handicaps, and girls, and how much money we make and girls… (we talk a lot about girls- go figure) But like all great things, there was a catch. And we are going to get just a bit 12 year old boy potty humor here (or as I like to call it) unexpected sleeve side-affects. Here is the deal – and tell me if I am a freak or weird (in this way only, I know I am an odd ball) – About 30 days after surgery I had a change in my “habits?” I have become North America’s 2nd largest producer of methane gas, second only to the entire US cattle industry. And of course as a guy, this is not a drawback – it is something to be proud of. Also it is a useful tool. Dog in the bed, not being still? No problem, I can get him to leave without even rolling over. Trapped in a frozen cabin in Alaska? I can keep a family of 6 warm for over a week (assuming they survive). So, the problem … Came home late, had a “bit” of gas the next morning (knocked both dogs out of the bed) – but more importantly – “the cloud”, honest to goodness, had a distinct mango hanenero “after burn.” I was busted again. TWO FRICKIN’ NAKED (GRILLED) TENDERS AND AN ICE TEA – Unfortunately, you cannot blame wing sauce on a dog. I took out the trash and washed her car twice….

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