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My second week postop was SO much better than the first week. The addition of kefir (liquid yogurt) in my diet really helped to bring my diarrhea under control & everything in the whole world looked much better after that! My surgeon had me on 2 full weeks of clear liquids plus skim milk postop. It was definitely tough to go that long on just clear liquids, even with skim milk & the addition of kefir one week in. I was aware that many other docs do not require 2 weeks on clears, but I just figured this was my karmic payback for having a generous pre-op diet that was not just a bunch of shakes. Even though I had heard this might happen, I was still surprised to find myself never experiencing hunger...either physical or head hunger. A couple of times I was in a restaurant or somewhere else around yummy food, but I was barely tempted. The food looked good, smelled great...and still, I only had a tiny ripple of want, and then I forgot about it. Here's what else surprised me, though...the number of pre-op and post-op sleeve peeps who encouraged me to cheat on, or disregard, my surgeon's instructions! Granted, nobody was encouraging me to eat a cookie or something like that, but several folks encouraged me to have some yogurt, or a protein shake, or pudding. Even though I knew it it probably wouldn't hurt me to give in, I chose to stick to the plan as outlined by my surgeon. Maybe it's a small thing, but it seems to me that developing our self-discipline skills is a big part of this journey. I assume that my surgeon has chosen his post-op guidelines because he believes them to be the best way to ensure a successful start. Part of the information we learn on this & other WLS sites is just how much variation there is among surgeons, and their pre- and post-op plans. We know what other folks are being told by their doctors, and sometimes it might be easy to think, "Well, that person's doctor said it wasn't a problem, so why does my surgeon care? It won't really matter if I just....." I know that suggesting that someone have a yogurt is not the end of the world, but rationalization and justification are twin pathways on the slipperiest of slopes. I don't want to get started down that road. I will be the first to admit that my self-discipline skills can certainly use some work, but I am making the best effort I possible can to be successful on this journey.

Holy **** once I went back to work life got busy. Anyway, I'm one of the lucky ones, I guess; over one week of pre-op diet, first week and second week post-op I lost 30 pounds. Which is amazing and I am still a little flabbergasted. Now, sadly, all that loss has caught up to me in the form of THE STALL. I've been between 235-236 for several days now (like maybe 5), but keeping patient. I did, after all, just lose 30 lbs in three weeks. I've been telling myself I might lose inches instead and reading the forums like crazy for morale, but every time I try on that stubborn pair of size 18 jeans they are still a little too tight. :[ HOWEVER: Work is taking us to Six Flags as a reward for being awesome last year, and I currently have nothing to wear to a theme park, so on my lunch break I dropped in to Lane Bryant to see what I could see in the clearance section. And lo, shining brilliantly on the rack, a pair of size 18 capri... jegging... things... hung in brightest red. And I did take them from the rack, and did carry them into the changing stall on the off chance they might fit. And there in the changing stall I discovered two things. One! My current work pants are a size 22 where I had unfortunately convinced myself they were a size twenty, which makes it retroactively depressing that they were pretty tight for a while. TWO! The capri-jegging-things FIT ME BEAUTIFULLY. aaand since I got them on the clearance rack and found $10 cash in my purse, only $10 came out of my checking account. Stall be damned, I won today :3

Why, oh why - please tell me...Why am I in the most danger when I've had a victory??? So we all know that exercise is the bane of my existence. But I've managed to work out at least 3 days a week for a month now. So this week, I'm bumping it up to 5 days a week. Grrrr. So I haul it out of bed this morning with the intention of doing something different at the gym. Everyone says you shouldn't get stuck doing one exercise routine - you should mix it up. I was therefore going to do a bike instead of the elliptical and weights. Started out fine - but the seat KILLED my butt (and not in the good 'oh I'm feeling the burn' way - more like the 'OMG I'm being sawed in half' way) !!! So I switched to one of the bikes where you are more seated with your legs horizontal instead of vertical. Didn't like that either because everytime I pedaled, I smooshed my stomach (which is still considerable) into my boobs, which are even more considerable. All of this and I only burned half the calories I burn on the elliptical. Had to leave the gym earlier than usual because I had an early morning at work. Managed to actually eat a good, protein breakfast and get to the stupid meeting on time (HUGE for me). Only to find out the meeting was canceled!!! However, we were having a drug rep coming later - with breakfast! So now - I've already eaten and they bring in tons of food (breakfast pastries, naturally) to leave in the break room, 3 steps from my office. Before vacation, about a month ago, I bought a new linen outfit. Fit perfectly. I haven't gotten around to wearing it until today because it's linen and requires ironing - which I only do about once a year. So I put it on - pants are too big!! :-) YAY me! I've mentioned that I was getting pissy because the scale wasn't moving, which usually triggers a binge for me. So I'm not allowed to get on the scale until the end of the month. The idea is to get used to doing the healthy thing because it's healthy, rather than being motivated by a number on the scale. So having a NSV like my brand new outfit being too big already is big for me! SO - someone please tell me WHY I'm seriously in danger of having a really, really bad - out of control eating - kind of a day! Why must everything trigger a binge for me??? If doing the right thing and not having a payoff makes me want to eat - why does doing the right thing and having a payoff make me want to eat?!?! Getting up for an extra workout - victory Healthy, protein breakfast - victory On time for early meeting - victory New clothes too big - victory I just have that unbelievable urge to eat everything I can find. I am my own worst enemy! Ready to turn around, go home, and climb in bed to hide until it's over!!! Shelly

I'm going to lay out some thoughts I've been having. My intent is not to minimize the experience of anyone else, but simply to offer my own thoughts and beliefs. I know this journey is different for all of us, but I am always saddened when I see a post about how a pre-op person can't wait to "be skinny" or "look hot" or "feel good about myself again". Skinny does not equal happy. Skinny does not equal hot. Skinny does not equal feeling good about ourselves. There are just as many skinny people who are unhappy, unattractive, and down on themselves as fat people. Happiness, feeling attractive, and feeling good about oneself are characteristics generated from within, not without. A few years ago, at a very low point in my life, happiness seemed to me like a foreign concept. I could not remember the last time I had felt genuinely joyous or happy about anything. Intellectually, I knew that there were many things in my life that were desirable. I had a good job, a comfortable house, a dependable car, some money in the bank, food in the fridge, etc. But despite these things, I was unhappy. Now, I had good reasons to be unhappy, or so I thought. My marriage was failing, I was coming to grips with the fact that I would never be a mother, I wanted desperately to change my life but felt completely stuck, and so on. I remember reading somewhere that happy is a verb...it's an action, not a passive condition. I began to wonder...if I truly felt that there was no spark of happiness or joy in my life, who's fault was that? Who was responsible for my happiness? The answer, of course, is me. I was failing myself. I was not loving myself, or being kind to myself. I decided that if happy was an action, I was going to try and exercise my happy muscle. I was going to try and find one thing to feel happy about for a few minutes every day. My goal was 3-5 minutes a day of active happiness. I thought that would be super easy. After all, I had been able to identify good things in my life, so how hard could it be to think about them for a couple of minutes every day? Well, it was actually harder than I expected, but I stuck with it. I had to set a timer in the beginning, but I made myself do it every single day. Gradually, I noticed it got easier. Some days all I could come up with was something like the weather, or the fact that my bills were paid on time, but damn it...if that was all I had, then I was damn well going to focus on it & feel happy for 3 freakin' minutes. I eventually began to notice that I felt happier overall. I'm not sure why, because by this time I was just divorced and trying to figure out dating at 270 lbs & maintaining my new house, etc, but regardless, I felt happier. After meeting the man who has become my 2nd husband, he said that one of the things that attracted him to me was that I always seemed happy. I'm not saying that this is somehow a magic bullet against bad stuff happening, but holding happiness in my mind for a few minutes every day helps me to deal with the inevitable downs of life. It seems to me that consciously taking time to feel happy each day has somehow made a state of happiness more accessible in my brain. It's been almost 7 years since I began my happiness quest, and I can honestly say I feel happier today than I ever have in my life. To quote Charlotte in the Sex and The City movie, "I feel happy every day. Not all day every day, but every day I feel happy." In choosing to have the sleeve, I absolutely do not expect it to make me happy, because I'm already happy. I feel pretty good about myself today, this minute, at 300+ lbs. Yes, there are things I want to do, but I can't right now. Yes, I have pain every day & difficulty walking, but I still feel good about who I am and what I have to offer in my small corner of the world. I am aware that I am probably judged negatively by some people because of my weight, but I don't even really notice that. Today, I find it so much easier to find things in my life that make me genuinely happy. I am definitely looking forward to weighing less and seeing an improvement in my mobility, but I don't think it will make me somehow better or more acceptable or a more worthy person. I am enough, right now, just as I am. We all are, and we are all so very precious. Today, right now, at this very moment, we are beautiful, and we are valuable, and we are enough. I believe that with all my heart, and I hope you do, too.

I am 4 days in to a pre-op diet. But I was here not too long ago too. Since first meeting the surgeon and nutritionist, I actually gained 10 lbs. I've never heard of anyone gaining that kind of weight during the pre-op diet. I was eating like crazy. I really couldn't get enough. (It's ever enough.) So I went from 295 to 305 in about 5 weeks. I'm trying to undo the damage. It's late evening. I'm sitting in the recliner, icing my foot (tendinitis from attempting the treadmill 2 months ago!) and watching The Bachelorette. I've been hungry today and a bit demoralized. The show is on Mediera Island, which is where my grandmother and her family came from to the US. I love traveling, but last month, I didn't take my daughter overseas to visit her grandparents because I couldn't stand the thought of how uncomfortable I would be, from not being able to buckle my seat belt on the plane or in my in laws' car to being hungry and tired all the time at my in laws' house. There was going to be a big party with a lot of family there, but I just couldn't stand them seeing me. There would be pictures. I just couldn't face it all. But I get another shot in December. My surgery is at the end of September; so I'll be a couple of months post-op at that time. Things should be well under control by then. I hope so.

I was able to eat another jello cup and a sugar free Popsicle It's strange because I can feel my stomach making sounds like its hungry but i don't have an appetite for food. in an hour i will try to drink a protein shake. I've been reading a lot of blogs and comments on here and its making my head spin. I am worried about getting filled. some people said it hurt and they didn't feel good after the shot. I was under the impression that they numbed the port site before injecting you with the needle?? I was happy when I saw my friend gabby yesterday. She gave me a hug and looked at me and said you look great and she noticed that I lost weight. That felt great to hear someone say 327 looked great. I'm sure I am less than that. I just don't want to face the scale because It's not really about the numbers. its about how i feel. coming from 379/380 all the way to the low 300's is awesome. I can walk down a flight of stairs now without slumping over or being out of breath. I can walk on a treadmill for an hour at a pace of 2.0-2.6. and I know once i am able to workout again I will continue to progress. My goal is to be able to run. i have a little niece and a little sister that I want to be able to chase around. since I have an extra day off I will spend it trying to relax and focus on getting better. My life has already changed. I've meet three people here who inspired me and many others whose stories have help me. I wish they were in chicago or close around my hometown. I could use a buddy during these times. it helps to talk to people who know what you are going through. ive vented enough for now. enjoy your day. sorry about my randomness and grammar. I am not going to spend much time worrying about that, simply just expressing myself.

I received a call from my doctor ten mins ago. I asked her if everything I am experiencing was normal, She said if I am not tolerating my fluids and they come back up I need to go to the er. I will see how today goes. I know last was rough. I felt dizzy and hungry. I felt like I had not eaten enough or drank enough water. I did a skin test for dehydration. (You go to the middle of your arm and you take your index finger and thumb and pull a chuck of skin up. if it goes back down you are fine. if it stays in that pinched position you need to seek help). I forgot to ask my doctor if my band was pre-filled. she informed me that if I had any other questions or concerns to call them. I just don't want to become a pain in the butt, but this is my health and life so maybe I should keep asking. They have a support group but it is not nearly anything like this site. Today is my first day of work. I start at 3pm. I am low on energy and I won't be able to rely on my energy drinks and no vitamins. I just have to get through four days before I can move on to the mushy foods. I hope I can tolerate eggs and oatmeal. I don't understand how I can't have grits but I can eat oatmeal. They said it's because grits are sliders. I guess I am going to try to drink some soup and see how I feel because my stomach is starting to talk. lol I hope you all have a great day.

We've all seen them, all those women's magazines clogging the checkout counters. With titles like, "How to find His Pleasure Spot," "10 New Tricks to Keep Your Man," "Good Girls Bend at the Waist, Bad Girls Bend at the Knees." Now I'm all for women boning up on how to please their man. But where is the equal treatment for men's magazines? If those same headlines were in a man's magazine, the thing would be shamefully hidden, deep behind the counter in liquor stores, with a piece of cardboard blocking the cover, lest some young innocent soul gaze upon the image and be scarred for life. And, GASP!, if you actually thought of buying one, you'd have to wear a disguise so your neighbors wouldn't know it was you. And you'd shamefully carry it home, wrapped in a brown paper bag or folded between the pages of a newspaper - stuffed under the car seat. So no one would know that you were about to abuse yourself in front of God and all your ancestors. But stores proudly display women's porn right there on the end cap at the checkout counter. How did it become socially acceptable for women's porn magazines to be sold right next to the Tic Tacs and Juicy Fruit gum? Is it because because the target audience is women? Another inequality, I saw a commercial for the micro vibrator sold by Trojan. The women in the commercial sit around in circles talking about how wonderful it is, and even grandma chimes in and happily gets in on the action. Can you imagine the public reaction if it was 3 guys sitting in a circle (I know where you're headed - 3 guys in a circle, just don't go there!) expounding on the joys of the Fleshlight? It would be an outrage. The Christian Right would flood the airwaves with indigent protests of how shameful the commercial was and how we're all going to burn in Hell for it. But because it's women talking about masturbation, somehow it's acceptable. And finally it hits me! The marketing! If the men's magazines just worded the headlines on the magazine covers differently, their magazines could be sitting right there next to Cosmo and the Tic Tacs! And the best part is, women would be happily buying the magazines for their boyfriends and husbands. Just imagine if the latest edition of "Spread'em" changed the headlines from "Brandy's Naughty Adventure," to "Brandy's Illustrated Guide to Pleasing Your Woman!" or "Brandy Shows You 10 Ways to Make Your Woman Scream in Bed (No! Not by calling her by the wrong name.)" Women would rush to the stands to buy their man the latest issue. It's all in the marketing. Keep Pimpin' that Sleeve!

So tomorrow is my 7 year Bandiversary - Unbelievable! I feel good in that I have maintained a 100 pound weight loss from my pre-surgery weight. However - I am still up 40 pounds from my lowest weight. It is so easy to lose focus and get lazy. I'm really quite insistent on having things the way I want them - even if it contradicts my ultimate goal. I'm one of those people who has always been fat - I remember wanting to be thinner in second grade. As long as I can remember, I have had an ultimate goal of being thin. (And I don't define thin by magazine standards - just want to be "normal size"). After I got my band, I was ecstatic! I did not know how to defeat it yet, so I lost weight almost effortlessly, it seemed. I actually got there! For a brief shining moment, I felt like I was where I wanted to be. I was still about 20 pounds over what the BMI charts said my "ideal weight" was, but I was happy with it. Then I got cocky and decided I could do what I wanted - and I did. So now I have come full circle - staring myself squarely in the eye and forcing myself to take responsibility for all of it. The truth is, I can't eat what I want and be the size I want to be. I have to chose one or the other. I must exercise, even though I don't enjoy it and it's always work. Nope - not fair. Doesn't matter whether it's fair or not. Those are the facts. I have spent the vast majority of my life wishing for (and pretending I had) a different reality. I slam my head into that brick wall over and over and over, and come away each time with nothing but a sore head. That wall - reality - never budges! Reality does not care about my preferences. So it's time to stop sniveling and live life on life's terms. I have been blessed beyond measure and certainly more than I deserve. I had a wonderful childhood and healthy family. I never experienced abuse or neglect. Although we were certainly not rolling in money, I had everything I needed. I have never really experienced any kind of trauma or tragedy. I have achieved most of my career goals and have a wonderful husband and family. In the grand scheme of things, when all is put into perspective - I'm quite the spoiled brat. With all I've been given (including the tool to achieve the one thing I don't have) I continue to whine that I actually have to be uncomfortable to get where I want. I behave as though it is unthinkable that I should have to have less than I want (not less than I need, or even none of what I want - just less than all). It's unthinkable that I should have to do something I don't enjoy for 30 whole minutes a day. Poor me! I am the only one who is responsible for my life. The universe does not "owe" me. I am not "entitled" to have everything I want, just because I want it that way. The rules do apply to me. Perhaps I should focus on being grateful for having been given so much. Gratitude can go a long way in reducing self-pity. Shelly