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So this week has been pretty hard, but yesterday I realized some of my pain is already gone, and that's amazing! For a couple of months I had been getting bad, all-day-all-night pain in both hips/thighs, almost like a constant muscle soreness except minus the exercise that usually causes that sort of thing. When I was making my list of NSVs for the first time, I put that one up top. It was so bad some days I felt hobbled, and I'm 26. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted it gone. Yesterday I stood up to walk around and realized that I had just stood up with no. Pain. Not only that, but I had BEEN standing up with no pain all day, and my relatively pain-free state has thus far continued. HELL YES. As hard as this first week is, I have this little victory to hang on to. My other little victories/goals, scale and non-scale, in the rough order in which I hope to achieve them: Get below 250. I've been above 250 for a year. Start a series of every-morning pictures when I go back to work. Fit into my favorite pants again (the size 18s that had started to hurt when I wore them) Get below 230. I've been over 230 for a year and a half. Find an exercise I like! Get below 220. I've been over 220 for three years. Buy NEW favorite pants ;] Review my series of every-day pictures: six-month mark Have my ankles and knees not ache every 8 hour standing shift I do at work. Get below 210, which I haven't been under since I started college in 2005. Donate most of my too-big clothes. (keeping some for comparison!) Feel -- not even see, just feel! -- my hip bones again. I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE GUYS. Get below 200. I've been over 200 lbs since 17. Fit into a pair of size 14 pants. Get below 190. My lowest weight ever in my adult life was 187 at 16 years old, and I looked good. It's a shame I didn't know how good I looked, actually, but that's what you get when you're a slightly body-dysmorphic teenager. Sure, I was still pudgy, but I was awesome pudgy and I should have flaunted. CELEBRATE THAT ****. Get below 180 -- uncharted territory! GOAL: 175-170

I am sorry I have not blogged in a while. Life got busy and is about to get busier. I promised when I started blogging to tell the good and the bad so here goes.. Last month was a ton of bad. Not the bands fault. However, it was easy for me to blame the band and say WTH when it was me trying to sabotage myself all along. Not only did my weight loss come to a screaming halt, I gained 4lbs back in one week. One day I felt great and the next I felt no restriction. It was like I never had anything done. For some weird reason I freaked out and started eating and eating to try to feel "full". I am still not quite sure why I did that. I "know" what my portions should be and how I should eat. I do not know why I was looking for that "full" feeling other than I reverted back to eating for comfort which is something I thought I had conquered. Apparently not. So I went in for my monthly check up with my doctor with my b***h on. I was furious I gained weight, convinced I should have done another surgery, pissed at the world because "What if I did all this and am fat forever?" Now, my doc is a no bullshit kind of guy. He doesn't do well with whining because he has the band himself and he knows whats up. Its like a teenager getting caught sneaking out of the house by a parent who already did all that when they were a teenager. You can't really get anything past this guy. So he comes in the room and says What's going on? Are you drinking your calories? Are you partying? Are you eating a ton of carbs? *Bingo* the Carb alarm goes off. I don't drink and seriously with 6 kids who the hell has time to party? But I was eating baked potatoes, mashed potatoes, fried potatoes. They went down well. I had stopped recording all my calories and was only going to the gym 3 days a week. He told me absolutely no veggies that grow under the ground from now on. Exercise 3 times a week was only going to maintain for me so he wants 45 minutes 7 days a week. *faint* My poor inner fat girl wanted to cry. He asked me what exactly did I expect? The weight was not going to pack its bags and take off on its own. I had gotten lazy again because the band had been working so well for me that I thought I didn't have to work anymore. We did another fill and guess what? I had to re learn how to eat! I thought it was too tight for a bit but it was my bad habits again. It was hard the first week after the fill. I got stuck and finally learned what people mean when they say they "slimed". It is gross and a horrible feeling and completely my fault again. I got complacent. I got lazy again and looked for anyone but myself to lash out at. This month I am back on track. I have learned that eating a lot during the day is not going to be something I will ever do again. I have very small meals now but I am not looking for the feeling of "full" anymore. I understand now that is not what I need. I need to make sure I don't get dizzy or light headed from not having enough food. Feeling "full" is too much. I have replaced all the potatoes I was eating with squash or zucchini. I replaced a lot of the meat I was eating with fish because it has a lot of protein that I desperately need. I need to make sure that every single day I push my body just for a little while. I need to make sure I am helping the band work. Not expecting it to do all the work. I lost sight of the fact this band is a tool not a cure. This month I lost all the weight I had gained back. I made it to the next decade down. Since seeing the doctor 3 weeks ago I have lost 8 lbs. I feel great. I am not going to be "fat" or should I say "unhealthy" forever. I have forgiven myself for slipping up. I think maybe that is the most important thing. I have owned the mistake and forgiven myself for it. I will never come on here and bash this tool and say it is evil or its all the bands fault things are not working out for me. The band is an inanimate object. Not capable of either being good or bad or having choices. We control it. We decide how it works for us. The thing I want people to take from this is if you are in a stall or a plateau right now really look at everything. See maybe the tiny things you might be doing. Do NOT get angry. Try to stay calm and look at it from all angles. Write down everything. Write down how you are feeling emotionally, what are you eating, when are you eating? Once I started keeping logs again I figured out what was wrong. Don't give up hope and don't take it out on yourself or the band. It's just a matter of figuring out where the roadblock is and you will be back on track. Keep your head up. It does not have to come off over night. The goal is to be healthy. You are on track for that already. I have gone from 305 to 259 since January 11. I am going slow but I am doing it. All I can ask of myself is to be nicer to me.

So, this is my first entry, and planning to behave like a grown up and take control of my health and use this lapband tool properly. I read somewhere once that people who overeat are emotionally underdeveloped as they use food as a emotional escape - not true for everyone - but for someone like me, that rung a true and clear bell, and frankly, it really hurt. Can't remember how I responded, but I probably ate something.... I have read in a million different approaches to this type of task, that keeping a journal is ideal and helps in some way. I have no desire to keep a paper journal and run the risk of having it read upon my demise, or even before. This may be public, but it is only public to people who can relate to what is happening to and for me during this process. I don't expect anyone will read this, but as a journal this will serve nicely. My handwriting resembles ransom notes these days anyway! Next entry - after a trip to Paris - surely not the ideal place to commence healthy food choices, but this is a "for life" change so location should be irrelevant. I

4 more days! I'm going to share 4 things I have done in the past week.... 4. Had my pre-op appointment with the anesthesiologist. She said I would do fine and that I have a big mouth for easy intubation haha 3. I went to two spin classes, walked 3 miles every day I wasn't at the gym and even started running a bit 2. Took my dog to the vet because he has e.coli. If you know what that is then you will know that my week also consisted of cleaning up gross dog poop accidents in the house. 1. Practiced living the lap band lifestyle since my surgery is 4 days away!!

It' will be close to a year in a few weeks. I've not had the weight loss results as most have reported here. I'm seeing >100 lbs being reported by a lot of my peers. I' not even close to 100 lbs, but on the healthcare front I've remained off my insulin, no longer sleep with my CPAP and have managed to stay relatively free of bing eating. I'm very disappointed in that I've not maintained an excercise regimen that would be considered a "Life Style Change." I did have some good starts and stops and right now I'm decidedly at STOP. I just don't have the motivation stay on an exercise regimen. I always end up hurting myself in some way, then that give me clearance to give up. In Oct 2012 I was in the hospital with stroke like symptoms, literally paralyzed on my left side. They r/o a stroke and after 2 days of tests, released me to neurologist for f/up care with dx of hemiplegic migraine. Code word for I don't know WTH is wrong, but she has had migraines in the past, so let's roll with it. I was on restrictions for about 2 month while they tried to figure out what's wrong. All my feeling returned before discharge, but I had total numbness in the last 3 fingers on my left hand. After testing for everything from carpal tunnel syndrome to pinched nerves in my arm and shoulder, the prize-winner neurologist came back with I can give you some cream that may work, I can send you to therapy with sometimes helps, or it may just fix itself on it's on........BUT I see you've not had a sleep study in a while and your plan will bay for it, so let me set you up for a new one. OK. Dr. Neuro's office begins calling me weekly to setup this darn sleep study....I finally told them to NEVER call me again. I still have trouble typeing and my left hand it still giving me problem. I'm hoping I'm not a stroke risk, but the PCP says get going with the excecise again. In February I start back walking. Doing good. Sporadic, but I'm getting it in at least 2-3 times a week. Weight going down, have to finally buy some new clothes because my black leggings are falling off an my colorful fat girl "pop of color" tops are looking like flour sacks on me 'cause they're too big. I have a chronic pain in my left foot and ask for an x-ray, my PCP says there's nothing remarkable but I may have small bone spurs that will just be a chronic issue for me. SUX. I start feeling a little soreness in my left leg, it evolves into a limp, but I'm thinking it's just me getting back on the track and I ben-gay it up and bear down. I'm down to 1-2 times a week, but I'm keeping it moving. Garage sale Saturday, I'm digging for treasures and a radiating pain hits my left leg. I can't walk. I yell. The ppl help me to my car and my mom starts freaking me out telling me it's probably a blood clot and I'm going to die if I don't get to an ER soon (She has a flare for the dramatic). I go to the ER and they r/o a blood clot, discharge to my PCP for follow-up the next day. PCP rotates my leg and refers me to an Ortho Surgeon the next day stating he thinks I'm going to need surgery. Now I"m on crutches. Ortho assesses and no surgery. Just 1 week of total bed rest. I have a grade 2 calf muscle strain! I'm off my feet for a week and come back, it's healing, but still not out of the weeds for abt 6 weeks so take it easy but do what you can.....To me that translates into DO NOTHING, and I've been faithful to that regimen for about 2 months now. WTH? Really Elle? You going to cop out like that? Why YES I AM. Disappointed in myself, but yes. I did that. Now I'm at the year mark and reflecting. I want to hit the century mark. I'm wanting a 1XX versus a 2XX at my weigh in. I hope to reach the 100s in about 6-8 months. Kick-off date is July 1,2013. Please pray for me that I can keep this new goal in sight. I do have concerns that I may have a hernia or something because I feel I am able to eat more than I should in one sitting. As long as I don't drink anything while eating I'm fine. I've drank alcohol sparingly w/o any trouble. I don't do well with chicken or ground beef. Bread and butter is my weakness, but I can only eat a little bit of it at a setting. I have been bad and do drink from straws on occasion. My new guilty pleasure is McCafe Hazlenut Lattes and Caramel Frappes. I also enjoy the egg white delight breakfast combo. I can eat the hashbrown and mcmuffin in one sitting (I just throw away one of egg mcmuffin slices). I can honestly say the term "use VSG as a tool" not a solution is a great message. You will not drop an insane amount of weight just from having this procedure. You have to work at it and change. My health is better and I will praise this procedure to the mountain tops, but you must be willing to put in the work to get the pounds off. My mother recently had the procedure and is doing well. She was not nearly as obese as me, so I'm excited to see if a little competiton will help boost me on the walking track. Her start weight is my current weight! So we're even in getting out of the gate. My mom had a lot more stuff broken in her health wise so I"m elated that she finally did the procedure. My marriage is struggling at the moment. Not heading for divorce or anything, just facing some challenges with a blended family. We're working through it, but I'm feeling my old urges and our lack of intimacy isn't helping things at all. I hate being mad all the time. Work is sucking as well. I don't know if I should move on or stay with them. My company has great benefits but I'm working 16-20 hour days and not seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. It's shockingly overwhelming. Any way in closing. 1 year has been faced with several set-backs, but I'm optimistic that I can refocus and get back on track. Besides my husband and kids, the VSG decision remains one of the best decisions I've made in life. I think I bought myself more years on this earth by just choosing to not die of morbid obesity complications. This board has been most helpful in letting me know I'm not alone and others are in the struggle with me and offering support. Thank you all

This too shall pass

This is very harsh! I am a former smoker and I feel that if someone is truly looking to be helped and want to stop, then your input is unnecessary: 1. You don't know what its like 2. Being insensitive I never open my mouth on this board but this is so out of line for you to tell someone else that they are not ready. Shame on you